What remains of us?
by allthingsinspace
Summary: Callie is trying to regain control of her life, focusing on returning to work, when suddenly her path crosses with that of Arizona's.
1. Chapter 1

Title: What remains of us'?

Summary: Callie is trying to regain control of her life, focusing on returning to work, when suddenly her path crosses with that of Arizona's.

Note: This was my first story and I wrote it in Spanish but I've always wanted publish it in English and try to reach more readers, thanks to the work of Shinata-Riyoko this has been possible.

* * *

Prologue

 _"While the beat of the heart persist, even if it is painful and is barely felt, there is the hope; and something can happen that would allow us to revive and return to believe."_

 _. . ._

We move between the pain and joy, we mourn and we laugh, we fall and we wake up. Life leads us from one side to another constantly, but sometimes we remain immobile in the middle of the road and we cannot move forward.

When that happens, we feel overwhelmed by the circumstances; the feelings exceed us and we get caught in the emotions. The anguish, despair and helplessness paralyzes us... Blinded by sadness, anger, pain and fear. The darkness arrives to accompany us, we make bad decisions and we feel that every day we breathe a little less. We are trapped and hopeless, we believe that nothing can change. We stay without seeing a destination and do not believe that things can change.

We walk hiding how we feel... behind a mask of perfect, but inside, all we do is scream and cry.

. . .

The sun hit heavily on the windows and its rays glide between the blinds. A body lies between sheets and blankets. The gentle breathing and beating of a heart, that sometimes threatens to shut down, it is all that can be heard in the overwhelming silence.

Drawers open, clothes hanging, pictures covered in dust and empty bottles of sleepless nights, looking for numbness and avoidance.

The incessant sound of an alarm begins to sound as a hand moves to the nightstand and gropes to capture the culprit. Headache... everything seems to explode.

Back to the mattress, eyes are open, unblinking, lost in the expanse of the ceiling.

Empty thoughts fly through space seeking home.

Moving slowly, spreading out on the expanse bed, hands reach out, resting against the mattress... preparing to propel upward... preparing to bring life to the day.

Sighs echo as you glance around yourself.

When was the last time this room was clean?

A reflection of the heart, where no one comes, no one sees, no one cares... It all adds up, everything stays frozen in time.

The body starts, in autopilot, and begins to walk, an entire routine already programmed.

Steam builds up in the bathroom and the water washes over you, trying to wake you up. Half an hour... maybe more, will this help you?

A tour... the living room, the kitchen, a round of back and forth before the smell of coffee starts to fill the air.

Breathe in.

Wake up.

Move.

Everything is a struggle... step by step.

###

* * *

Chapter 1

\- (February 11, 2013) -

POV General

Today is a great day for Arizona, the first day at her new job as head of the Pediatrics Department at one of the best hospitals in the country. She was proud of itself, had worked extremely hard to reach the position she was in, and she was happy.

The first thing in her schedule was to talk to the Chief; then a tour of the facility and finally to catch up on her workload. It was also her first meeting with the Department Heads where there is talk of everything related to the weekly schedule, important cases and administrative matters. She was given an official welcome and was lodged between her colleagues... soon it was all over and without further ado she began to face her new professional challenge with a smile on her face.

. . .

\- (March 01, 2013) -

The first few weeks for Arizona ran sharply and she felt tired. She had her first consultations and surgeries, and everything felt incredible, both professionally and personally.

Most of her colleagues were friendly and nice, she had shared lunches in the cafeteria and the majority of them were easy to get along with. Today was a Friday and she had been invited to a bar near the hospital.

"There's nothing wrong with having a bit of fun", she thought.

. . .

The day passed quickly and the night came. People were dancing; tables were full and the bar packed. Arizona was sharing with her new colleagues, talking about everything and nothing... laughter, jokes... the whole world seemed to fit.

While they were talking and amusing themselves, she noticed her new friends were becoming distracted.

\- You've come! - Someone said and the blonde turned her gaze upon the newcomer.

She watched as a woman sat beside Mark, making a general, somewhat aloof, greeting and a smile.

\- Yeah, I decided to come for a while; thanks for the invitation... – She sends a smile towards Mark. - I'm happy to see everyone; it's been a long time. -

Everyone seems to agree and is happy to see her.

The blonde does not know who she is and no one seems to realize it, until Mark says. - Oh, Doctor Robbins, this is our dear friend Callie. Callie, she is our new acquisition in Peds. - He laughs.

\- Nice to meet you, I'm Arizona Robbins. - The blonde smiles brightly.

\- Nice to meet you. - It is all the brunette responds with.

. . .

POV Arizona

I was mesmerised and couldn't stop to looking at Callie. She tries to keep track of the conversation around her, laughing at the jokes and the memories that they share. But I could tell her mind was far from present. Sometimes she was lost in her glass, fingers toying with the rim before taking a drink... rinse and repeat.

I'm not sure if anyone else has noticed yet, but the only thing that has her full attention is the liquid inside her glass. I haven't stopped staring and couldn't help being intrigued by her. I wonder what it is that goes through her head, what has her so far away from here?

\- Hey Torres! When do you think you'll be back? - Someone asks and I turn my attention to the conversation.

\- I don't know yet, I need to speak with the Chief first and resolve some issues. But I guess it is time to come back. - She scratches her head and smiles trying to be as convincing as possible. Or perhaps she was trying to convince herself?

\- Do you work in the hospital? Are you a surgeon? – It was the first words I'd said to her after our greeting, the first time she'd remembered that I was here and the first time she'd looked at me... her eyes were beautiful.

\- Mmmm, yes... but I've been away for a little while.

\- And... – I was interrupted before I could continue.

\- A little while Torres? God! It felt like a century. We missed you. - Mark said.

Mark tried to cheer her up. He kissed her head and whispered something in her ear; she just smiled and stared into her glass... a habit she'd had all night.

I could tell they were friends or perhaps something more? Because he was the only one she'd exchange glances with, the one who seemed to understand her without words. She'd allow his eyes on her and didn't mind his closeness. There was a barrier of sorts when she was with the others, there was still affection, but it was different with Mark. I'd heard a lot about it, but here, with her... It's different.

Curiosity, fascination.

Is that what it is?

The night goes on, one drink after another, the conversation continues and soon she is saying goodbye. But she's not alone... Mark is with her.

I... I'm still having fun.

The night continues and no one else has been moved, it was definitely a good choice coming. I'd been looking at someone and a little bit of flirtation is appreciated for a night like this.

Maybe a bit of relaxation isn't a bad idea.

. . .

\- (March 02, 2013) -

The mobile would not stop ringing.

"Dear God! Someone turn that off", I scream.

I am stuck at the edge of my bed, upside down, and attempt to reach the night table to grab the offending item.

\- Hey! Arizona, I cannot believe that you've forgotten about me. -

\- Who's this? - I grumble sleepily and I hear a laugh.

\- Wow! Your night it must have been pretty good if you don't know who's talking. -

\- Teddy? Oh! What time is it? - I move, and instantly regret it. Ouch! My head is killing me.

\- 11.45, it's nearly noon. - She laughs.

\- Oh! I'm sorry, I completely forgot. I'll get up right now and meet you... You still want to, right?

\- Of course, I'll see you later. -

I ended the call and try to get up with this insane pounding in my head. As I turn back toward the other side, I freeze.

\- Wow! - My voice comes out in amazement.

A very naked body, laying on her side with her head resting on her hand, looks at me with a seductive smile. My face must have been shown my confusion and shock because immediately, the smile slips from her face and turns into a frown.

\- What's the matter? - I could hear the uncertainty in her voice as I tried to remind who she was ... and suddenly the memories come rushing back.

\- Sorry, I didn't expect you to still be here. - I reply sincerely.

\- What? What's wrong? Did you did not like? Because that's not what it seemed like last night. -

\- Oh no, not at all. All is well. Everything's fine. - I ramble hurriedly – just... don't expect this to turn into a relationship or expect us to fall in love after meeting at a bar and having sex. I thought we were on the same page, a fun night, no commitment, no strings attached... I didn't expect you to stay for breakfast.

\- You're pretty direct. - She smiles with uncertainty. - It is just that... I thought that maybe this could be more than a one-night thing? I don't know, maybe try it out and get to know one another... I've wanted to ask you out for a long time now... I've seen you in the hospital and... - I interrupt immediately.

\- The hospital? Do you work there? -

\- Yeah, I thought you knew that... we've crossed a couple of time... – Oh no, I can't believe it; I've never gotten involved with someone from work and look at where I am now.

\- Sorry, but I think you should leave. It wasn't my intention to lead you on and I'd never seen you before last night... it never even crossed my mind that you might work at the hospital... Really, sorry, I think it is better to forget this. It was good, fun even, but that's all it can be. – Let her down gently Arizona; you do not want any problems in the future.

The woman rushes out of my bed without saying anything, the frustration and embarrassment evident on her face, but it's better this way.

I sighed and headed to the bathroom, I need a shower, stat.

Soon enough, I'm ready to go and meet Teddy for lunch.

. . .

Teddy is my best friend and we've known each other for a few years now. She was the one who mentioned the vacancy here and encouraged me to apply for the position. It's been good to have her nearby.

Our lunch was a little late, but as always, it was nice day out with her.

\- I can't believe it... really? What you were thinking? This... well, it's... well... don't say anything. You never change, do you? - My friend smiles.

\- It was nothing more than sex... but I believe that from today I will be celibate, fewer problems - we laughed.

\- I will never believe that, not in a hundred years... You're not for that... Was it worth it at least?

\- Mmmm... It wasn't so bad. – I sighed deeply and dropped back, into the chair.

I spend my afternoon, recounting my adventures to Teddy. She always enjoys my stories as I have hers. I will have to be more careful next time, I have always separated my personal life from my work and that will not change here; I don't like the drama and confusion. I prefer the easy life, without commitment. Friendships? Yes, that can be enjoyed in any situation, but relationships? It's just better to separate this part of my life from the work environment.

. . .


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you all for reading! I appreciate each Follows, Favs and Reviews.

Special thanks to Shinata-Riyoko, she is who makes possible the translation of this story.

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\- (05 March 2013) –

POV Arizona

It's Tuesday and I'm at the nurse's station completing paperwork while I think about my time at Seattle so far.

It has been several days since I woke up accompanied, I must say that the woman was beautiful, but I've felt uncomfortable. I don't like getting involved with people at work because things always end up getting complicated. So I'm grateful that it hadn't happened yet, until her. I swear that this would be the first and last time it happened to me.

I don't like the compromise, I prefer to just have fun, I don't even remember the last time I was in a relationship. Okay, I _do_ remember, but I'd rather not, to be honest. Everything is easier when there aren't feelings involved, it's just better that way.

After a while, I look at my watch, it's time to go home.

. . .

Today it was one of those days where my mind is scattered and goes from one place to another. It wasn't a bad day, but I've had a strange feeling all day and I don't know what is.

I'm leaving the elevator, lost in my thoughts, when I stumble into someone who, unexpectedly, turns around and we crash.

\- Hey, be careful! Watch where you're going! - I say angrily and as I raise my head I see the woman that kept me intrigued the other night at the bar standing in front of me.

She looks up, snapping back into reality abruptly. - Sorry, I didn't notice... I was just leaving and... I forgot something... sorry... I need to go back... - She smiles faintly as she looks at me, but I could tell she wasn't really _here._

\- Apology accepted... I was also distracted, sorry... - She doesn't look okay. Nervous? Sad? Tired? I don't know... but apparently she's in a hurry.

She starts to leave when I speak again. - Doctor Torres, right? - She looks at me confused, wondering how I knew who she was.

\- I'm Arizona Robbins, Peds. We met the other night at the bar. - She looks at me, squinting her eyes, trying to force herself to remember. I smile at her without allowing her to see my discomfort.

\- Don't worry if you don't remember me. - I look away briefly before returning my gaze to her. - Okay... it looks like you were in a hurry, don't let me distract you... I have to go anyway... - I get a little annoyed, maybe I was being a little petty, but who the heck doesn't remember someone like me?

She smiles, a little embarrassed, and when I go to leave, she stops me - Wait! Sorry... look, I was a little distracted Friday night... - silence - the alcohol, the bustle and the typical madness of a bar... you know how it is... if I had been in the right frame of mind, I definitely wouldn't have forgotten you... I promise you. - She gives me a strange look, as if she's trying to convince herself into believing what she said.

\- Don't worry, it happens... - after a brief moment of silence I talk again – So, you're back?

\- Hmm? - She raised her eyebrow in question - Excuse me?

\- Have you returned to work? You said that you had been out for a while and you would return soon. -

\- That... no, not yet... I still have some things to take care of, but I think I'll be back soon... I just need to ease myself back into it. - She replies vaguely, seemingly distracted or uncomfortable perhaps

\- What do you mean 'ease yourself back into it'? - My question makes her even more uncomfortable, I think that she's said more than she wanted. - Sorry, I don't mean to pry... You don't have to answer that. -

\- It's okay; it's just that... I've been away so long I can't just expect to be able to walk into an operating room just like that... maybe... I'll start with consultations, lab work… and just... gradually ease myself back into it - I look straight into her eyes but she looks away, as she continues to share... she smiles with something akin to nostalgia whilst looking away.

I am completely captivated by her beauty, but there is something about her that...

I'm interrupted before I can finish my thoughts.

\- I should probably get going now. It was a pleasure meeting you again. - She smiles, pulling me out of my thoughts.

\- Yeah, take care! I hope you return soon. - Where did that come from?

She nods and quickly moves away, leaving me lost in my thoughts again. I don't know if she heard my last words.

Where is her mind? What has her so far away from here? She tries so very hard to pretend that she's here and present, but I know better. I know she's lost, somewhere far, far away. I can see it; I can feel it.

. . .

\- A few hours before -

Callie POV

I've been hesitant, wondering what my meeting with the chief could mean. Just getting into this place, I've been bombarded with an onslaught of feelings and memories... I haven't been here in a long time... not since...

I shake my head to clear my thoughts... I can't be distracted... I need to be calm. A tight knot forms in my throat, but I take a deep breath and I pick up my courage. Keep taking deep breaths and clear thoughts, a repeated mantra, as I try to continue my way.

Today I'll be talking to Owen about my possible return to hospital. I think it's time to leave the fear behind and get back to work.

I don't know if I'm ready for it, but I know I need to keep moving on. I don't know if the same will happen with the rest of my life, but at least I'll try with my work. A job that once made me so happy and now... It's just another distraction, a way to reintroduce myself to the outside world, a way to get me out of the darkness I've been trapped in...

The truth is, I don't know if it's a good idea, I only know that I've got to find some courage from somewhere to do it, otherwise I'll find myself stuck, trapped once again, dying in the darkness, one that could be even darker than the last time.

As I wait for my meeting with Owen and the memories won't stop playing in my mind, over and over again, like a record. I've been ready to run away because I feel that the emotions will overwhelm me at any moment. But I stay strong in my intention and decision.

\- Go ahead! - A voice startles me and quickly I snap out of my thoughts as Owen's secretary talks to me.

I take a deep breath, get up from my seat and prepare to go inside. It's hard being here, but here we go... I'm fine, I say to myself.

\- Doctor Torres, I'm glad you're here. - He greets me as I enter his office.

\- Thanks Owen. - I smile while I sit.

\- Callie, its good to see you here. – I can tell by the tone of his voice that his words are sincere. - How have you been, with everything? -

\- It's been hard, but I'm fine... I'm ready to come back. - I say with as much conviction as I can muster, trying hard not to show any doubt or hesitance I might have.

\- Great, I'm glad hear that. You know you don't have to rush yourself, right? As head of department and your importance to us on a personal level as well as professional, you have some guarantees. -

\- I know, thank you for everything... but I'm ready and want to return. -

\- Okay. Then you know that there are procedures that we can't ignore, and it depends on you regain your position. Both you and I know you can't immediately jump back into an operating room, the patients are not toys and after so much time away, we must be careful. You'll have to go to Dr. Potter's office first, and then, depending on his authorization, we'll get you back in the operating room. You need to take it step by step, the first thing is to catch up on the paperwork and the administrative management of your department, and if you're ready, you can return to the lab, your studies and consultations. I know that there are things only you can do but you must delegate. You'll need the support of the Ortho department in order to get back into surgeries. If you agree then you can begin next week... I need to meet with Doctor Travis, who has taken over as interim chief, to inform him and give him time to get everything in order. - I listen silently and attentively until he stops talking.

\- It's okay, I understand. - I smile nervously. - I agree that I need to take it slowly, otherwise I'll go crazy. I appreciate the confidence, though.

\- You have nothing to be thankful for, you're part of this family and one of the best in your field. You've been out for a while, but you've always been a staple part of this hospital. Since your leave of absence, the percentage of consultations for more complex cases has dropped. So I hope that your return also means that we recover the position that we had in this case. -

\- I hope so. - We talked a little more before we parted ways.

. . .

It seemed that everything is moving in slow motion, inertia leads me and I don't know where I'm going. The people look at me, greet, smile and they give me good wishes. I try to respond, to thank with a smile.

Time is lost, I don't know how or when I got to the central hall from the hospital. I stopped to look for something in my bag, just to do something, anything, while I'm trying to calm down and breathe a little.

It seemed as if my legs were going to fail at any time, I needed to calm down... It's getting hot in here and I needed refresh myself... I had to get to the bathroom...

\- Hey, be careful! Watch where you're going! - As I turned around, I unintentionally crashed into someone and they seemed upset. Great, just what I needed.

\- Sorry, I didn't notice... I was just leaving and... I forgot something... sorry... I need to go back... - I say with a smile of apology.

She accepts my apology easily and when I start to leave, she speaks again. - Doctor Torres, right? – Do I know you?

She tells me who is and I give my apologies, apparently we met the other night at the bar... but I don't remember.

To avoid being rude I attempt continue our conversation, and then asks me if I'm returning. At first I don't understand the question, but then she repeats herself, asking if I'm returning to work. Apparently I told her the day we met.

I'm not completely focused, I'm not sure if I'm responding or saying anything... I feel uncomfortable and nervous. I don't like talking about my problems, preferring to leave it private... apparently she realizes.

\- Sorry, I don't mean to pry... You don't have to answer. - I give her a smile and try to respond.

\- It's okay, its just that... I've been away so long I can't just expect to be able to walk into an operating room just like that... maybe... I'll start with consultations, lab work... and just... gradually ease myself back into it – I looked into her eyes as I spoke, I don't know why I'm telling her, but I looked away quickly and smiled nostalgically... I don't know why, but someone flashes into my head.

I need to get out of here, so I say goodbye to her and I leave quickly.

The minutes are lost again and the next thing I know, I'm in the bathroom, in front the mirror, covered in cold sweat.

My breathing is harsh; I need to calm down.

This was more difficult than I thought it'd be... Dammit!

. . .

\- (March 8, 2013) –

It's Friday, the week is nearly over and here I am sitting in a bar drinking. Just a couple more days and I'll be back at the hospital. I'm nervous, anxious and frightened. I had been relatively well during the week, but today was... hard.

I don't know what to do, I feel anxious just thinking about it. I ask myself if it was the right decision, I tell myself that maybe its not a good idea and I'm not ready, but when I will I be?

I thought that I should prioritize my patients over my need to rebuild parts of my life, but I feel so empty. I need to do something for myself again and my work always helped me stand up again. But now, everything is so different... shit!

When did my life go to hell?

And now... here I am, in a bar... trying to come to an agreement with a habit I have been fighting with for so long now. I had managed to control it and was doing so well. But in these last few weeks, I have succumbed, only rarely, and I still had some semblance of control, but I feel that sooner or later, I will fall. If I continue this way... everything is shit...

. . .

Arizona POV

I've been sitting here in a conversation with a beautiful woman for the last hour, but I've been unable keep my attention on her because I have not stopped look at a woman, another woman... who is at the bar with a glass in her hand, apparently deciding whether to drink it or not.

I get the impression that she needs to talk to someone and I would like to talk with her. But I can't, I'm with a woman who invited me for a drink and that's my thing today, not to be a Psychiatrist... And! She doesn't work at the hospital, I made sure of it.

But my mind is elsewhere, since I saw her in the hospital again, I haven't stopped thinking about her.

I even tried to ask discreetly about her, not that I had much success. Usually, if a question is asked, you get the whole story. But when it came to Callie, its different. It's as if there's an unspoken deal not to talk about it. They just say that she took a long break after an accident. She is talked about with great affection and is told to be an incredible person who everyone thinks is a great surgeon too.

But I'm not satisfied with that, I even asked Teddy. She's my friend and I thought would she be honest with me and tell me everything, but I found the same thing happening. Teddy only told me that if I wanted to play then I'd better keep me away from her, because Callie was trying to take control of her life and she was not just any woman. I just told her that Callie had caught my attention and I had no ulterior motives. She looked so lost, as if something had happened to her and she would appreciate talking about it to someone. I know I'm a great listener and an even more amazing friend.

\- What do you think? – I was brought out of my musings as the woman in front of me asked me a question.

\- Sorry, I wasn't paying attention, what were you saying? - I gave her one of my best smiles.

\- I'm leaving. - What? Why?

\- Wait... sorry... I had a long day... and I'm just a little tired. You don't have to go. - Another smile, that never fails.

\- Sorry, but I am not going to beg for attention. - She pauses, looking across the bar and then back at me with an unimpressed glare - I think you should stop looking and just go to her... luckily she hasn't noticed you yet, because she might think you're a stalker. -

\- What? I... - silence, I stutter - No, no... I wasn't... - she interrupts me.

\- Whatever, goodbye. – She walks away, leaving me alone.

Great, who does she think she is? I was not looking at anyone else.

Okay, fine... I admit that the only woman I'd paid attention to tonight was not the one I was with.

What if I approach her? I weigh up the pros and cons of approaching as I drink from my glass..

Finally I decided to walk towards her.

\- Hello Dr. Torres. - She is startled. Great, it seems that we are destined to meet with a stumble or startle.

\- Hey! Arizona. - She remembered me - What are you doing here?

\- I was with some friends and I was leaving, but I saw you here. - I lie – Can I join you?

\- Sure! I was just finishing the night. - I see that she has reached an agreement with the first drink, because she seems quite relaxed by the alcohol. - Do you want something to drink? - She asks me and before I answer she adds. - Oh... and it's just Callie, it's less formal and we're in a bar, not at work. - She smiles, it's so nice when she's not so bleak.

I accepted the drink and we engaged in a superficial conversation, I didn't want to kill her mood with questions, because she finally appeared to be in a good mood.

. . .

After some time, I decided that we'd had enough and it was time to go. I drank and I feel good, but apparently she is feeling the effects more, therefore it was time to go.

\- Nooo, I'm having fun with you, and it's very nice. Why end the night? -

\- I think you've had enough, tell me where you live and I'll take you home. - She raises an eyebrow suggestively and I stumble. I think that she's misunderstood my words or is she joking?

\- Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound that way. I meant I'll walk you home. It's late and you've drunk, a lot. - She feigns looking sad, but then smiles at me.

\- No problem, I understand ... you're like my mother. - She laughs - Okay, I think you have a point. In any case, I don't live that far away ... - She gets off her chair and teeters. My hand goes unwittingly to her hip with the purpose of stabilize it. She smells like alcohol but I can still smell the sweet fragrance of a perfume, which is incredibly alluring. Too close, be careful Robbins...

. . .

We left the bar, the wind cold and the sky clear... it's a beautiful night. Callie looks at me showing me where to go and we walked in silence, but my mind is full of questions.

\- What happened to you? – I unknowingly spoke out loud.

\- What...? - She was not expecting that question and she responds somewhat confused and uncomfortable. - Nothing, I just wanted a relaxing moment. What's wrong with that? I start work on Monday and just I needed some extra courage... I didn't want to think too much... that's all.

\- Why do you need extra courage? Why come to a bar to drink alone? I've seen you only twice and I can't help thinking that something's happened to you... sometimes its good to talk to someone... I know you do not know me but I'm a good listener and if you need... - she interrupted me.

\- I don't need talk. I just wanted to spend the night without worries, no thoughts ... but it wasn't like that... Apparently I drank too much and found my mother... - she is upset but tries to joke to change the mood.

\- Sorry, you hoped to find a guy and I just ruined your night. It wasn't my intention. - She laughs again, and God, she has a beautiful smile.

\- I had a great time with you, don't apologize. Things don't always happen the way we expect it to... I know better than anyone, how it... - a moment passes before she quietens and her mood drops. - Forget it, just ignore what I said... You were right, apparently I drank too much. –

We kept walking and soon we stop at a building near the hospital. – Well, here it is. Thanks for walking me back. - Her movements are a bit clumsy and we were silent for a moment... our eyes meet, her eyes are glazed due to the alcohol.

\- I'll walk you up, I don't want to you stumble around and fall over. I'll just make sure you get to your apartment. -

\- No, no... It's not necessary. - She stumbles on the words - Mmmm... My apartment's not very presentable right now; it's a mess. Here's fine, I'm not gonna get lost. Thank you anyway. -

I have a strange feeling... Should I go home? Or go with her? Maybe I should go with her, it's too tempting... and I have to say she tempts me in all possible ways.

But no, I shouldn't think about her like that. The silence takes over and it seems as if time stands still, we lose ourselves in our own thoughts.

. . .


	3. Chapter 3

.

POV General

The night is cold, the sky is clear and the wind runs softly. The two women still stay standing outside the bar and the silence is all that exists right now. Each one navigating in their own mind.

After a time that seems eternal, Arizona interrupted. - Well... - her words do not reach Callie so she tries again. - Callie... - the brunette looks a little disoriented, Arizona smiles at her amiably with her head tilted to one side and speaks again. - You're good? - She asks with care.

Arizona looks into Callie's eyes, trying to see what lies beyond. She couldn't stop thinking, since the day they first met, what was hidden behind the brunette's eyes. Today, she saw it clearly and there was no need to ask... there was sadness, ill concealed, pain and emptiness. She wanted to hug her, but she knew it wasn't appropriate, she saw vulnerability and brokenness inside Callie... then she knew, Arizona knew she wanted to help her.

Callie delayed her response, took a deep breath and forced a smile. - Yeah, I'm... sorry... I lost myself in my thoughts... I guess it's the effects of alcohol. - She smiles half-heartedly. - Well, I better head up. Thanks for tonight, I had a good time, I was glad you found me there.

\- There is nothing to thank, it was nice. I hope you get a good night's rest so tomorrow won't be so harsh on you. - The brunette smiles shyly and with some embarrassment.

Callie looked at Arizona one last time before she began to leave. - Callie! - The blonde spoke again; Callie stopped and turned to face her.

\- Mmmm? -

\- I just wanted to say... - Arizona hesitates briefly before she continues. - If you ever need to talk, about anything... I'll be there for you... – she chooses her words carefully, trying to measure the brunette's reaction. - I know you don't know me and maybe... - Callie interrupts before she can finish her thoughts.

\- Thanks, but I'm fine and I have nothing to talk about. – Callie's reply is defensive and her goodbye is cold. – Bye.

Arizona berated herself for having spoken; she had already noticed that Callie was a pretty private person, but she still wanted to try.

She watched the brunette disappear into the building as she looked around herself, she sighed deeply and wrapped her arms around herself tightly before she started to walk.

. . .

POV Callie

 _Two women walk with their hands clasped on the edge of a beach. Their bare feet soaking in the moisture of the sand and gentle breeze hits their face while the sun timidly embraces them._

 _Silence, there was no need to say anything._

 _They stop and sit on the sand, looking towards the red horizon, as the last rays of the sun fall over the sea._

 _\- This place is beautiful, just like our life... everything is perfect - silence - do you think it could be more perfect?_

 _\- Yeah... I think I might... - the other woman quietly replies. - There is something that could make it even more perfect... or rather, it will... - Their eyes meet and the silence envelopes them, until it is broken by two words; two simple words that would change their world. - I'm pregnant... –_

 _Disbelief. Shock. Love._

 _The emotions are reflected in her face, as the other woman takes in the news, smile wide and eyes full of joy; she struggles to speak. – You are? It worked? - The other woman, nods. - I can't believe it. God! That's amazing, we're going to have a baby! - She places her hand the other woman's belly gently and kisses her softly. – Thank you... Thank you for making me so happy... There's nothing more I could ever ask for, everything is absolutely perfect._

 _\- There were times when I thought we wouldn't make it, but you taught me to persevere and to believe. I love you so much Callie and I could not be happier. You make me so happy._

 _\- You make me so, so very happy too._

 _Laughs, looks, complicity, love... future..._

. . .

I woke up startled, it's dawn, I look to my side and reality hits me. It was just a dream. A knot forms in my throat and I struggle to contain it, I don't like mourn... but I can't help it.

I cover my face with my hands, my sobs are uncontainable and a cry of lament goes directed at whomever it is that is listening. I am unable to control my tears and that makes me weak. I don't want feel this way, I don't want mourn... but no one is here so I allow myself to do so in the silence and emptiness of my room.

So many times I've wanted tear off everything I feel, more often I can count. I have wanted to sleep and not wake up anymore. But still, here I am, without being. Still I breathe, but it hurts like hell.

The seconds seem to go slow and the night is long, the gloom hosts meaningless minutes... I seek sleep but it escapes my grasp.

. . .

* * *

\- (March 11, 2013) -

It's Monday and after a tough weekend, today is the day that I back to work... I hope I don't mess it up. I keep my head held high, and keep repeating the same mantra over and over again in my head to encourage me: "keep it professional, show no weakness, I can do it'.

. . .

After my meeting with Owen and the interim head of Ortho, I go to my office, a place that has witnessed so much. My office... I never thought I'd be able to call this mine again.

So far I've kept my emotions in check, although it doesn't mean that I haven't wanted to rush out at times. It just feels so strange seeing so many familiar faces, all of who seem happy to see me. I put on my best game face and greet everyone with kindness.

And then I am walking... between memories and sensations that begin to reach out to me slowly.

I was very happy here once, I had beautiful memories, but what lies here is also the biggest reminder of greatest pain I have ever experienced. The moment of my life where I wanted to forget who I was and everything that was happening around me. I wanted to get away from everything related to the walls of this hospital. I didn't want compassion or pity from anyone.

I walked away from everyone who cared about me.

I believed that what I felt could disappear. Alcohol, drugs and meaningless sex were my evasion and without realizing, I got lost. I wanted to forget and I sought it in all the wrong places, nothing worked. The pain and memories did not stop; I was constantly tormented.

Then, I didn't want to feel anything anymore... I wanted to die.

I bottomed out.

I woke up on a hospital gurney and when my eyes were opened, everything fell on me. What I'd always thought was the worst decision, was the option I'd chosen to escape with. I didn't recognize myself anymore, I used to be a strong person, but there was nothing left of that person here.

At that time there was someone beside me. Someone who always remained close, in silence, waiting, no matter how many times I pushed him away. He was there for me at my worst moment and I didn't know until then how much I needed him nearby.

 _"If you feel as if you can't live, then you must learn to survive. Things will heal over time and you will see how everything takes its place, you don't know what life has to offer yet. You have to walk with your head held high and although your heart is hurting, you still need to continue. You have lost a lot, but remember that you loved without limits, and you were loved in return. What you had, how you lived and the beautiful things, that is what you have to save._

 _You've always been a fighter, it's time to get up... and... If you can't, if you can't find the strength to do it... I'll be here for you... you're my best friend, I love you and I can't see your life to end this way._

 _You have to get better, get back to work; it always made you happy helping others. That's the way, Do something useful with_ _your life. Don't leave your hands idle and let your talent to waste away, you have to start somewhere."_

It was difficult, but I was determined to put some order to the chaos that had wrapped around my life. Mark was by my side and was my pillar of strength. We never spoke about how I felt, that was something I kept to myself, but it was never necessary because he knew me.

He'd suggested I seek professional help, but I refused, I needed to do it by myself, to prove to myself that I was capable. That was how I started my recovery, one step at a time.

Even though I have drunk in the last couple of days, it was nothing like before. I think I've been fairly well for the moment, but I can't deny that sometimes, I'm scared I'll lose myself again,.

After reaching stability, I agreed with Mark that getting back to work was one way to get back to the norm, to reactivate my mind and go back to doing what always made me happy, saving lives.

That was my next step. I had decided to attempt to take control over what was left of my life. I was a talented surgeon, committed and respected; I just had to find a way to bring all of that back out again.

That's what I'm doing today... trying...

. . .

I don't know how long I've stood in front of my office door, but I know that I need to go in, at some point.

I hesitantly put my hand on the doorknob, take a deep breath and freeze. Everything is so difficult, but I know I can do this.

I finally open the door and take a glance inside before cautiously stepping inside.

Silence. I close the door behind me.

There are no witnesses here; no one can see my crumbling mask, the exposure of emotions and feelings that have been locked away within oneself for so long.

. . .

* * *

\- (March 18, 2013) -

POV Arizona

I've had a busy morning today; I couldn't even go to the weeks department heads' meeting. Luckily I had a free weekend, otherwise I would be collapsing after the week had just started. This is the first minute I've had for myself, so I decided to go for a coffee.

As I make my way, my mind goes back to last night with Callie. I think of her constantly and I can't erase her from my head. I don't understand why it worries me.

God! She's insanely beautiful! I'm not blind and I can appreciate her beauty even when looks tired and has bags around her eyes. If we were to have met under different circumstances, I would not have hesitated to take her to bed.

Dammit, no! When my thoughts go to that place, I immediately remember the pain I saw reflected in her eyes and those thoughts vanish. Then I know that there is no place for that and I think about how I could help...

The beeping of a pager interrupts me, _of course_ it's mine.

Can't I have just _one_ minute to myself?

. . .

* * *

\- (March 21, 2013) –

I have to say that this week has been totally crazy and has passed so quickly. I'm exhausted. On Sunday I'd stayed trapped in the ER most of the day and I haven't taken any breaks in-between cases until today. I spent the most my time here, between the on-call rooms and cases. Only on Friday was I able to go to my apartment, but not without a quick trip to the bar first.

It's been a little under two weeks since I last saw Callie and she remains on my mind, it's sometimes a little maddening. I wanted to ask Mark, but something stops me.

When I left the hospital on Friday, I wanted to go through the bar even though I was tired. I was hoping I'd find her there too, but luck was not on my side. I didn't stay any longer and I left disappointed; I was so keen to see her again.

Right now I'm in my office waiting for a query about a girl who came to peds with a complex case. I'd been reviewing her medical history and, even though it's not my specialty, I agree with the previous medical reports.

For the parents, hope never dies, therefore we should always exhaust all possibilities before giving the final verdict, and that's what I'm doing today, looking for options.

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. – Come in! - I spoke as I lifted my eyes from the chart and I'm surprised by who I see at my door.

\- Callie? - I'm confused, why is she here?

\- Hey! - She smiles at me. - don't look so surprised, I'm the one you're waiting for. -

\- Hmm? - I confused at her words but her arrival has left me speechless and she laughs at me, something I've never heard before... the sound catches me off guard and I get lost for a moment.

\- Hello? Blue scrubs and a white coat? – She gestures to herself - You know? - She smiles again and moving toward my desk. – I guess not then... Can I sit? - I nod my head and she raises her eyebrows as if expecting something else, but nothing comes out.

Seeing my lack of response she spoke again. - Well, let me introduce myself, I'm Dr. Callie Torres, Ortho. You asked for a consultation and here I am. - This world is such a small place, without expecting it, the person in front of me is the very same person that has not left my mind lately.

\- Really? - Come on Arizona, you should concentrate, act like an adult and speak like a normal human being. - Hmmm... I mean... I didn't expect it to be you... you never did say when you started, or what your specialty was. - I smile at her and after some hesitation I start to behave more normally. - Let's start again. - I pause and smile at her as I extend my hand. - It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Calliope Torres. - I wink at her and she looks at me confusedly.

\- How do you know my...? - Before she can finish, I motioned to her coat. - Oh! - She looks surprised. - Please... just call me Callie. - I think Calliope sounds better, but I keep it to myself, it's not important right now.

\- When did you come back? -

\- Last Monday. -

\- And we've never crossed paths yet? -

\- It's been difficult to leave my office with all the catching up I had to do, but I'm doing better now. -

We were silent for a moment, but soon we focused back to the matter that brought us here to begin with. I tell her about the case, what other doctors have said and what my opinion was. We talked for quite a while and she listened to me attentively, pitching in whenever she had questions. I could see when she was evaluating the possibilities in her mind and was surprised how quickly she got involved with everything that I'd told her.

\- Look... You know I can only get involved with some of things in principle, but I know I have not lost my ability to perform. I have experience and I know the subject better than anyone, and because of that I think there are some possibilities to explore. But if it is feasible, as with any other surgery, I'll have to put it in front of another surgeon. - She pauses briefly before continuing. - If you'd prefer someone who can be responsible for all aspects of the case, that's not a problem. Just tell me and I'll get someone else.

I must say I'm really surprised; her stance towards to case and her sincerity about her situation causes me to respect and admire her even more. I imagine that, for any surgeon, it's not that easy to admit that in front of another surgeon, that they can't take care of their work without worrying about how it might reflect on her reputation. That says a lot about her as a person and a professional.

\- Do you really think that there are other possibilities? -

\- Yes, I think so. I don't want to create false hope, but I have focused my career in many methods that many other doctors have discarded because they prefer traditional over innovative. I'll need to study the case a little bit more, but is not the first time I've seen something like this. -

\- Well, that's enough for me then, I don't want another doctor. I trust that you will do whatever it takes to find a solution for our patient. You should know, regardless of if you find another plan or not, that I'm grateful that you're going to research other alternatives and not go for the obvious. -

\- Are you sure? -

\- Of course, Calliope, I have no doubt and I will support you in everything that you need. - She smiles sheepishly.

\- Okay, I need to see Angie. -

\- Then we'll see her. - She nods and we head out to meet our patient. -

. . .

POV Callie

I was going to head for lunch, but I ended up on the hospital's rooftop. I used to always come here when I needed to some quiet. Now I'm here thinking about my day while I finish my cigarette. I know, it's a horrible habit, but it is a bad habit that I acquired when I began to deal with my problems, it helped calm my anxiety and I still occasionally rely on it.

Today, I felt strangely good, something I haven't felt in a long time, and I'm sure the reason for this is what happened this morning.

When I received the page from pediatrics, I immediately knew who it was from.

After Friday night, when I met Arizona in the bar, I was quite embarrassed and was therefore reluctant to find her in the hospital, and I have to say that I avoided her as much as possible. But I knew that we would have to see each other again sooner or later, so I took the plunge and went. I _am_ the head of Ortho afterall and it's my job to answer pages.

When I knocked on her door I could tell she was really surprised at my appearance, I guess she'd never expected that I'd arrive at her office. It was endearing how confused she was, but after the initial shock we focused back to the reason I came to find her. It was a good morning; the first real consultation that would actually challenge me.

That's what really made my day, being involved in a case like this, to have to look for a reason to challenge what others have said, to explore other possibilities and offer alternatives. Just like Mark said, _this_ is what I should be focusing on.

Since I came back it's not been easy to walk through these halls with what I feel inside of me, but I have managed so far. I know I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in almost a year, I feel as if I'm becoming myself again.

Moreover I was very pleasantly surprised by Arizona, it's easy to talk to her and apparently we work very well together.

. . .


	4. Chapter 4

.

\- (April 8, 2013) -

Callie POV

It's been four weeks since I returned to work. On a personal level there have been moments that required everything I had to keep in control, to not be overwhelmed, something that I have managed to handle so far.

There are moments where I'm trapped by memories, as they flash before my eyes, causing anxiety, anguish and despair. Unwittingly I get lost in time and space and I freeze, do I fight or flight? Sometimes I would scream and others, I fight in silence, suffocating. At times I feel like I'm going crazy and I'm scared I won't be able to cope with anything. But I know I have to learn to deal with these things if I want to be the surgeon used to be.

But looking back, even with everything that's going on, I must say that I'm in a better place. Because I _want_ to regain my professional life and that's what's saved me from falling into the same old habits that led me astray.

I've been immersed in Angie's case, examining her case and recommending options that were feasible. So far it's going well but it will be a long process. Working closely with Arizona has been amazing.

She is an excellent Doctor and has been one hundred per cent involved with me, even encouraging me at times when I really needed it. I can't say we're friends yet, but we've developed some sort of strange bond. Angie's case has kept us connected, not only with work, we've had some lunches together, and an occasional coffee. It's been nice to share this with someone... Her words and her personality is always refreshing.

I also realized something the last time I saw her, she's... really beautiful.

How did I not notice before?

Her eyes and her smile, there's something really special about her.

Sigh.

Be quiet.

. . .

I'm done for today, it has been a long day and all I want is to go home and sleep. I've just stepped out of the hospital when someone calls me from behind.

\- Hey, Calliope! - I know who it is instantly, I stop and turn around, sending a smile in her way.

\- Hey! - Apparently she came running. – You look like you've just run a marathon. - She laughs.

\- I just wanted to get to you before you left. You headed home? - She pants breathlessly.

\- Yeah, that's all that I want. – She looks disappointed.

\- Well... - She is silent for a moment, looks to the side briefly before looking back at me. - Mmmm, it's just... I was wondering if you wanted to grab a drink? I know we have to work tomorrow but... at least one? - She raises her eyebrows waiting.

\- I'm sorry. I don't think I'll be joining you. Not that I do not appreciate the invitation, I just need to sleep.

\- You feeling okay? - She sounds pretty worried.

\- Yeah, it was just a long day... and I'm tired. - I give her a smile.

\- I understand, it's okay. Can I walk you home? I'm going in that direction, and I really need a drink. - She laughs.

\- Okay. –

. . .

We were walking quietly talking about Angie and anything else we could think of. We'd just reached the corner when we suddenly heard sounds of heavy braking, glass breaking and screams.

I watch the scene before me and I freeze. I hear Arizona saying something about helping, but she sounds so far away, it's like I'm underwater.

\- Callie! Hey! - I hear her, but I can't answer. - Calliope! Look at me... - Nothing.

Brakes, broken glass, screaming.

The sounds begin to repeat again and again.

Memories come to my mind quickly, flashes of conversations and images... non-sequenced events that come and go.

. . .

 _Red light._

 _Stop._

 _Wait._

 _\- Honey, you need to have patience... only a few days more and she'll be with us._

 _\- I know, I know... I just can't wait to hold her in my arms. – She laughs. - Do you think she'll like her room? -_

 _\- Callie, love... she will love it... the simple fact of knowing that her mother made every detail of her bedroom, it will be enough to make it special for her._

 _\- I really can't to have her with us. - Her hand goes to the belly of the other woman while she drives._

 _Green light._

 _Clear._

 _Go._

 _Smiles, joy..._

 _\- Callie! Watch out..._

 _Time slows down._

 _\- Laura!_

 _Darkness._

 _Silence._

 _. . ._

 _Voices._

 _What have we got? Car accident! It's Callie! Listen to me! Calm down! We'll take care of you! Stay with us! Go, go!_

 _Voices and more voices._

 _Darkness again._

 _. . ._

 _\- Where I am? - I wake up. - Where's my wife? – I can feel the despair, uneasiness creeping into my system. - God! My daughter! I need to see them... Where are they? Are they okay? -_

 _\- Callie please, I need you to calm down. - Bailey says carefully._

 _\- I need to see them, tell me where they are. – I try to straighten up, but all I can feel is pain. - Ah!_

 _\- You've just been in surgery; you need to calm down. - Bailey takes a deep breath, knowing that she is not like any other patient, but she has to stay detached, emotionless. - Laura is... – she pauses as she struggles with her words. - Her condition is serious, her heart and lungs are... - Miranda never hesitates, but today she does not know if she's speaking as a doctor or friend. - She's had several surgeries, and we are doing everything we can to stabilize her..._

 _Fear._

 _Confusion._

 _\- What about my daughter? She... - her voice barely comes out and silent tears begin to fall._

 _\- She... - pause, Bailey wrestles with her own emotions. - She's in intensive care... She's struggling..._

 _Silence._

 _Pain and more pain, it's all there._

. . .

Arizona POV

There's chaos on the street because of the car accident that happened at the crossing near the hospital. I wanted to help but I saw Callie paralyzed and I couldn't leave, she looked pale and a so lost. When we left the hospital she told me she was tired, maybe she felt sick and didn't tell me, because she looked like she was falling apart.

She's staring ahead blankly and I can see tears forming in her eyes.

\- Calliope... - I said softly, not wanting to scare her. – What's the matter? - Silence. - Please answer me. - I approach her and grab her shoulders, and I can feel how it trembles under my hand. - Come on, let's move from here. - I help her sit on the sidewalk and I crouch down in front of her. I place my hand to her cheek hoping to get some sort of reaction. - Tell me what's going on, what you feel... You're scaring me... - I look around helplessly, when she suddenly breaks her silence with disjointed words that were absolutely meaningless to me.

\- It's my fault... everything is my fault... I'm the only one who should've... – She shakes her head and trails off into silence.

\- I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm sure that whatever it is, it's not your fault. Come on, look at me, please? - I put my hands on her shoulders and forced her back slightly to look at me, but nothing. I decide that it is best to take her home. - Let's get out of here, I'll take you home. - I help her to stand and we slowly leave the scene.

We cross the street and enter the building and not once does Callie lift her head. Her arms are crossed protectively in front of her body; never once looking back at the accident scene where medical assistance has already arrived.

We walked in silence to her building, I even tried to ask her about her apartment, but it was the same. I was lucky that the concierge was able to tell me which floor she lived on.

When we were on her floor, Callie trembled even more than before so I quickly found the keys in her bag and opened the door.

Everything was dark inside, even when I turned on a light that was uselessly dim. I looked around as we headed the couch for her to sit. Anyone who sees her apartment would think that no one has lived here for some time.

I head to the kitchen for water and when I return I see Callie with head between her hands. I put my hand on her shoulder and, without as word, she straightens up to drink the water, but her eyes never look at me. I sit in front of her, on the coffee table, and I wait in silence, giving her as much time as she needed. When I saw her breathing begin to stabilize I decided to speak whilst trying to look at her eyes.

\- Callie, do you feel better? Do you need anything? - She shakes her head. - Tell me what happened, let me help you. - She shakes her head, staring at the empty glass in her hands. I lean in a little to see her face searching her gaze, but she refuses to look at me. - Look, you can trust me. I won't judge you... I just want to help... I'll do whatever you want, but you need to tell me something.

\- Go away please, I need to be alone. - She says and gets up abruptly. She goes to the kitchen, opening and closing drawers with despair, as she's not able to find what she needs. I can only watch as she moves from one place to another until she stops and I realize what she was looking for.

I make my way over to her slowly, stopping at a safe distance from her and I speak softly.

\- Callie, it won't help you. - She ignores me, opening the bottle and downing the drink in anger, leaving it in the cabinet and placing her hands on either side it. She leans forward resting all of her weight on her hands, breathing in exasperation and struggling with her emotions.

\- You know nothing! - She tells me trying to not to shout, as she takes a deep breath to calm down. - So... don't tell me what to do. - Her words come out strained. - I appreciate you being here and helping me... but I need you to leave now.

\- I'm not leaving, even if you ask me to. - I stand firm because I don't think she should be alone, not now, not when she's worrying me so much.

\- Dammit, please, get out! - She yells at me.

\- No. - I walk closer to her and Callie grabs the bottle taking another long drink. - Callie, stop it... it's not going to help... - She interrupts me.

\- Just shut up! You don't know anything! You know nothing about me! - She smashes the bottle against the counter in anger and broken glass is scattered everywhere along with the liquid. Callie turns and slides down against the counter, falling until she's on the floor, back resting against the counter. I realize then that her hand is bleeding.

I walk over silently and clean the broken glass, taking the kitchen towel to carefully wrap her hand.

She straightens up and drops her head back, looking up and breathes harshly. - I can't... – Her voice is barely a whisper and I struggle to hear her. - I don't want... – Silence. – I'm trying, but everything is so hard... - A long pause. – It's my fault. - Her voice is harsh with suppressed rage. - Please... just go away... I don't want you to see me like this.

\- I'm not leaving, there's nothing wrong with being seen like this. Trust me, please... and if you don't want to talk, that's okay too... just let me be here for you... - She does not respond and I take that as a small victory. - Let me see your hand.

She gives me her hand but never looks at me. There are small cuts, not very deep, but it's bleeding so I put pressure on it to stop the blood. I don't think it need stitches, just a thorough cleaning because I can see glass fragments embedded in her wounds.

\- We have to clean your wound, do you have a medical kit? - She remains silent, looking as though she's lost in her own thoughts. - Be right back, I'll go get at something to clean this up. - I guess in the bathroom should to have something.

The first door I get to is locked, so I look around me and try another one. It opens and I glance inside, this should be Callie' room.

It's all very messy, but I choose to ignore it, heading towards where I think the bathroom is, trying not to violate your privacy.

Having found what I need I head back to Callie, but I'm distracted by a wall with several pictures on it. I couldn't help noticing Callie smiling very happily with another woman in most of the pictures. There are other people in the photos too, but this woman catches my attention. Who is she?

I've never seen Callie that way... her eyes, her smile, her face... everything looks different.

I brush away the thoughts quickly and hasten my return to Callie's side.

\- Here, I found something. - I sit on the floor beside her taking her hand and starting my work quietly.

\- I'm sorry. - She breathes fighting back tears and clenching her jaw. - I... my life is complicated... it really sucks... and you shouldn't be witnessing this... I... - She looks me finally, just to make a gesture towards herself. - Look at me, I'm pathetic, I'm a mess... I shouldn't even think about working. – She shakes her head hopelessly - How can I do my job? I deal with patients... people... I can't expose them to this... – She pauses. - What if this happens to me whilst I'm there? What if I make a mistake? I would never forgive myself... I can't afford to make any more mistakes... I lost my wife and daughter... - I can feel all of her pain and despair from her words and I know she's trying not want to mourn in front of me. – All I have left is my job and if I ruined it... I will have nothing left and I can't... -

Her words fail her as she loses the battle and her tears stream down her face. I lean forward and wrap my arms around her, I don't care if I'm crossing limits.

I don't know what to say but she doesn't push me away, so we stay in silence. She has trusted me and that's what I wanted but there's nothing I can say to her. I just hold her, try to stay strong for her, suppressing my own emotions to her sadness.

What do you say when there is so much pain? All I can do is hold her, to give her strength when she no longer has any left to stand. I lost my brother a few years ago and it was devastating. I can't even imagine what it means to lose something so... her wife and daughter... God! That has to be difficult.

She must be the woman in the photos.

Her wife, I did not see that coming.

\- Come on, lets get you changed and into bed. – I don't know how long we've been sitting here, but I know she must be tired.

\- Arizona... - For the first time she looks me in the eye. - You've done enough... Thank you for everything... I've never shared this with anyone... everyone knows what happened but this is the first time I've spoken about it.

\- I'm staying, I'll be here for whatever you need. You can trust me. - I keep silent weighing up to pros and cons in my mind before speaking again, I don't want her to get defensive. – You're not to blame for anything, I'm sure of it. I don't know much, but I know in my heart that none of this is your fault... - She listens to me in silence, maybe it's a good sign. - I can't even imagine what you've lived through and I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through... because only you know it... but I want to be for here you... let me help you, let me be your friend... please... - She says nothing, looks at me and after a few seconds quickly looks away.

I take her hand and lead her to her room. She's exhausted and struggles for stay on her feet. I help her to sit on her bed and ask her where her clothes are. She looks at me shyly, almost embarrassed... but finally tells me where. I think a hot bath would do her good so I go into the bathroom and fill the tub.

I help her to the bathroom and tell her to remove her clothes and get into the tub. I leave to give her some privacy and I tell her to call me if needs anything.

When I leave I look around at the mess. I change her sheets, pick up the clothes that are scattered around, close drawers and throw away the empty bottles that look like they've been there for far longer than they should have. Everything I've seen and I still see overwhelms me.

After a while, I knock on the bathroom door to see if she's okay. - Yeah, I'm almost done. - Her voice is trembling. – Just give me a few more minutes.

I was sitting on the bed a little lost in my thought when I heard Callie open the door, without paying much attention, I looked up and was immediately spellbound with the image I saw. Callie was only covered by a towel; her hair put up in a quick and messy bun and a few drops or water rolled down her neck. I was surprised her appearance and for a moment I completely forgot everything that had recently happened.

Wow! I had to clench my jaw to banish away any unwanted thoughts... she's absolutely beautiful.

I try to stop looking at her and I get up from where I was, I have to concentrate on what's important.

Callie sat on the bed with her head down and breathing deeply in exhaustion. I stood in front of her and couldn't stop my eyes from wandering over her body, stopping at the scar in the middle of her chest where I could also see a necklace with a heart and two rings.

After a moment, Callie finally lifted her gaze but quickly placed her hand over the necklace when she noticed my gaze. Without thinking twice I look away in shame, I just couldn't help myself. - Sorry, I did not mean to bother you... I... I'll get you some water... - I leave as quickly as possible.

. . .

Upon returning, Callie was already lying down so I approached carefully and I told her to move under the covers. She did it quietly and stayed on her side with her face close to her hands.

\- You didn't have to clean my room... but thank you. – There's a hint of embarrassment, but her voice is dry, hard... she is trying to contain the emotions, so like in the beginning.

\- Do not worry about it, it was nothing. Now try and get some rest. I'll call Owen and tell him you're sick so you're not going in tomorrow. That way you'll have some more time for yourself. – As I'm speaking, all I can think about is how much I want to lie next to her and hold her whilst she falls asleep, but... I think that might be too much... – I'm gonna head out now, is there anything else you need? - She does not say anything and I've never felt so helpless before in my life. I swallow the knot that formed in my throat and nod my head. - Okay, if you need anything just call me... I've left my number on the refrigerator door and... - I really don't know what to say next - Take care of yourself please... - I turn around and walk out the door.

\- Arizona... – Her voice makes me pause and turn, waiting silently to see what she wanted... All I can see is her back as she is curled up on her side and does not move.

\- Yeah?

\- Don't go... - Her voice barely comes out. – I... I don't want to be alone... – My heart breaks at the vulnerability in her voice and my legs have moved before I've even realised it.

\- Of course I'll stay... – It's probably not the best idea I've ever had, but I lay behind her and wrap my arms around her, pulling her back firmly against my front. I can feel her breathing and I know she is holding back the need to mourn at her loss. I lean forward and gently whisper into her ear...- You're allow to mourn, you're allowed to be weak, to feel. You don't have to be strong or pretend with me... just let it out. -

. . .

POV Callie

 _\- Hey Callie._

 _\- Mark._

 _\- You ready?_

 _\- Yes – no…_

 _I take a deep breath._

 _\- Are you sure you don't want to go home? You should rest. I can call you if anything changes._

 _I laugh humourlessly. - No, I can't... my entire life is here, connected to those machines and it's all my fault..._

 _\- Callie... - I interrupt._

 _\- Mark, please... I'm not in the mood to discuss this any further... I know I've been discharged recently but I need to stay here, I can't leave._

 _. . ._

 _I enter Laura's room and I fail to believe that this is real. I'm not convinced that this is happening, but there she is, my wife... with machines supporting her life._

 _\- God! Honey... I'm sorry... please fight... for me, for our daughter Emily... You remember that that was the name we chose? She needs you and... I do too... I can't... I... I can't see my life without you... so please just fight... please..._

 _My emotions are overflowing and I can't contain them. I hold her hand and beg for her not to let go and I cry, my soul is undone at her side in pain._

 _Everything is so overwhelming._

 _After a while, I get up from her side. - I'll go see our little warrior. She is as strong as her mother, she is also fighting hard. -_

 _. . ._

 _If I thought seeing Laura was hard, then seeing my daughter was devastating. There were no words, only despair, pain and emptiness. It felt like the engine of my life was threatening to stop forever, it was too much._

 _I approached her incubator and there she was... so beautiful, so small._

 _I put my hands through one side of the incubator to touch her... and when I made the connection with her, I crumbled... there was no consolation and there was nothing else to carry the blame._

 _I was driving and was so absorbed in my bubble of happiness that I wasn't paying attention. If I had then would have seen the oncoming vehicle that was clearly out of control and perhaps I could have swerved or done something, anything_ _to avoid the impact on Laura's side._

 _It was my fault._

 _. . ._

 _I have split in the last two weeks between these two rooms, waiting for either Laura or Emily wake up or move, anything would be encouraging... but nothing._

 _\- Come on Laura, please wake up... we can't go on like this... – I tried to smile, but it probably came out as more of a grimace. - Do you remember we said we would go to the beach house with our daughter? She's also waiting for you... I know she'll love it because I've talked about how beautiful the place is and how much it means to us... - I felt a genuine smile appear on my face at our memories at the beach house - she wants to be part of our place too... so... -_

 _I'm interrupted when the monitors began to ring wildly, startling me, even though I should be used it them as a doctor, I was completely lost and frightened. - I need help! Someone! Please, what's happening?_

 _\- Callie, you need to leave. – Bailey orders as she runs in with Meredith. Both of them immediately take charge of Laura._

 _\- Page Altman! - Meredith tells the nurse as she works and looks at Bailey._

 _\- Callie you have leave, let us do our job. - I'm speechless and my body refuses to move. - I'll take it, Grey, take her to out and page Sloan._

 _\- No, no... I want to stay... -_

 _. . ._

 _\- I brought you coffee, just the way you like it - I lift my gaze at Mark's voice._

 _\- Thank you... - I reply lifelessly as I hold the coffee in my hands, watching the steam coming out._

 _\- Sloan... Can you come here for a minute? - Karev's voice startles me._

 _They walk off and talk for a moment; Mark puts his hands on his hips whilst looking to the floor and I recognise that position, something's not right._

 _Not more bad news please... I watch fearfully as Mark walks up to me._

 _\- Callie... It's Emily... -_

 _Silence..._

 _Devastation..._

. . .

POV Arizona

A scream wakes me, I wasn't even aware I had fallen asleep. But an anguished scream shocked all the sleep out of me.

\- Nooo! - Callie was startled awake, crying and screaming.

I force myself to clear the fog of sleep and I approach her side speaking gently into her ear.

\- Callie, you were dreaming... look at me... deep breaths... calm down. - She breathes with difficulty.

\- They died because of me... I ruined everything. I loved them so much... everything was perfect... but then... - Silence. - My daughter was... - She speaks with difficulty, sobbing. - And after Laura, the same day... – Silence. - It was... it was a fucking horrible day! It should have been me... they should be here... It should have been me! - Her tears do not stop.

What do you say at a time like this? What _can_ you say?

It is difficult to reach someone with words at a time like this because there is always the fear that it may be unwise or inappropriate and end up being more of a nuisance than a consolation, it may even offend someone. But when you care about someone, you have to at least try.

\- I'm sorry ... I'm sorry for everything you've been through... but believe me when I say that it's not your fault. - I rub her shoulders gently trying to comfort her.

\- How do you know? You weren't there! I... I was driving that car, me! - All I see in her is pain and guilt. - If only I had paid more attention... I... hell! I got away with only a couple of scars... but them? They're no longer... -

\- Callie, accidents happen... and yes, it's terrible, horrible... but it's not your fault. -

I hold her tightly trying to convey what words couldn't.

Silence.

. . .

It's going to be a long night tonight and a long day tomorrow. I need to sleep and rest, but I can't stop thinking about everything that happened today. She has experienced hell and it's not easy staying so firm all the time, but I can see that she's struggling to keep afloat... she may not realize it yet but she's a really strong woman.

I definitely want to be her friend and to support her.

I want to see her with her head held high and finally at peace with herself.

Someday, I want to be able to see that look and the smile from the pictures I saw, is that too much to ask?

I want to see the sparkle return to her eyes, I do not care how or whom she finds that with, I will be happy as long as Callie is happy again.

. . .

POV General

Sometimes things happen that harm us and we are wounded so deeply that we believe that we cannot go ahead.

A physical wound, such as a deep cut in our skin, takes time to heal... it shuts and opens, bleeds and hurts... sometimes it seem to get better, but suddenly opens again because it has not healed properly.

But over time it will heal, leaving only a scar that will be a constant reminder of what we have lived, but it will no longer hurt or will bleed anymore.

There are scars that are visible and others that are hidden deep inside, but both are like footprints that remind us that life has not been easy... but also a reminder that we have lived and fought, no matter the circumstances, that we survived.

And we must learn to live with it, to be able to look at it and to accept it as part of us and of our history, without allowing the pain to crush us or tarnish our future.

Within us is the power to either get up and keep going... or to let ourselves fall and drown irremediably in pain.

It is a choice, an attitude, a desire, to push oneself.

There will always be something that allows us to continue... we only need to look within ourselves because there will always be something worth rescuing.

. . .


	5. Chapter 5

.

\- (April 11, 2013) -

POV Arizona

It's been a few days since leaving Callie's apartment and I have yet to see her. Nevertheless, I still really wanted to see her and know how she was, but it seems like she was avoiding me. I gave her some space as I didn't want to seem too meddlesome.

After a long, hard debate, I decided not wait any more for answers. I thought I knew what the problem might be, perhaps she was feeling slightly embarrassed over what happened or maybe she thought she'd shared too much of herself.

I went straight to her office, pausing at her door to breathe and compose myself, before knocking on her door. I waited for her answer before I entered and greeted her. Callie looked at me surprised and answered me with a clumsy "Hello", avoiding my gaze quickly.

\- Are you okay? I haven't heard from you and... - She interrupted me.

\- I'm fine - She says curtly without looking up from the papers on her desk.

\- You're a little monosyllabic today... - I smiled - I prefer when you're more expressive... – I try to act how we normally would, but am obviously failing quite horribly. – Have I done something wrong? Because I get the impression that you're avoiding me. -

\- Me? - She raises her head to look at me, but her eyes never meet mine. - Mmmm, no... I'm not avoiding you... just... I just have a lot of work... paperwork... - She indicates at her desk - I've hardly left my office. – She gestures around her office. - I haven't even had time for coffee... or lunch... I'm not avoiding you, why would I... – I can't but find her rambling absolutely adorable, but I have to interrupt.

\- All right, I believe you. Your monosyllabic answers were really convincing... - I say laughing. - You're adorable when you ramble... – I didn't mean to say that out loud and she gives me a half smile but she says nothing otherwise... I clear my throat and continued talking as if nothing had happened. - So, you're not avoiding me? Are you sure? - I squint my eyes waiting for her answer, somewhat amused by her attitude.

\- Absolutely... - She hesitates, and then looks at me in the eye for the first time since I came into her office. - Okay, fine, maybe... just a _little_ bit... - She blushes. - Sorry, it's not intentional... - I laugh; she's so cute.

\- Can I know why? - I asked gently.

\- Mmmm... - She lowers her gaze. – I'm just a little... embarrassed by what you saw... I don't ever talk about it and I said so much to you... -

\- Really? Callie, don't... I'm honoured that you trust me and that's fine, it's good to talk sometimes... and... I meant what I said... I want to be your friend, I am an awesome friend, let me prove it to you... - I smiled and looked at her sympathetically.

\- An amazing friend, huh? - She laughs and I know we'll be okay.

\- Yeah! Just you wait and see! - I give her a wink and the atmosphere instantly feels better

\- Thank for putting up with me... - She pursed her lips in a pause. - After everything that's happened... I got used to pushing people away, even those who were an important part of my life... It's difficult to open myself again, be the way I used to... but you get that... I don't know why... but you just do.

\- Don't thank me... I was the one who wanted to stay... I know we haven't known each other for long, but I care about you... - She looks at me attentively as I speak. - You can trust me, if you need anything... I'm here... if you want to talk, if you don't want to be alone, or even if you just want to hit something... - I smiled at her and she gives me a sweet smile at the last part. – Whatever it is you want or need, I'll be it... I just want to be your friend... - She bites her lips and nods.

\- Thank you, really. – Silence. – I don't know why, but I trust you... I haven't talked to anyone about what happened... Mark is my best friend, he has always been with me, and he knows me like nobody... but I don't talk to him about how I was feeling, I don't have to... Mark was my support, he endured all my shit and my darkest moments... he saw the me that no one else has ever seen before... - she makes a long pause and tightens her lips before continuing. - If it was not because of him, perhaps I wouldn't be talking to you now... - She doesn't need to elaborate for me to understand. – He was there and he helped me... – Silence. - You provoke a confidence in me, I feel good when I'm with you, but that scares me... I do not want you to have to go through that... I'm a mess. I'm not in a good moment in my life and I'll probably be a horrible friend. - She laughs. – I just want to be the surgeon I used to be, that's the only thing that motivates me... The thought of making new friends never even crossed my mind... - She makes a gesture at me. – _This_ has been a surprise to me... but... I like you, I feel like I can trust you... so if you're willing to try, it means that I'd gain a friend, and that would be awesome. -

\- I'm sure it will. - I give my best smile.

. . .

1 month later.

\- (May 11, 2013) -

Callie POV

Life continues and it's far from being what one would have thought or planned at times. If someone had told me that I'd be forming new relationships when I returned to the hospital, I'd have laughed in their face. The only thing I wanted to do when I returned was to immerse myself in my work much as possible to avoid thinking about anything else and not get involved with anyone.

But my friendship with Arizona has been refreshing. She's made my difficult moments, somewhat bearable... and my days, something more than ordinary.

Our friendship is easy and grows naturally. She's learned a lot about me, and I've opened up to a lot of things I never thought I'd share with anyone. The trust is reciprocal and I've learned a lot about her too... her life, her sorrows, her fears and her inclinations... This was what surprised me the most.

I must have been a bit slow with what was happening around me, otherwise how could I have missed this? In another time I would have noticed something... at one point, when we first met, I thought she was flirting with me, but had just put it off as part of her personality, I'd never thought about her sexual orientation.

I smiled remembering the moment I heard it.

 _\- Hi! - A woman approaches Arizona whilst we're in the cafeteria. - How are you? Do you remember me? I haven't seen you since... - she looks at me and pauses. - Well, you know._

 _\- Hi, I'm fine. - Arizona's voice is dry and her face just screams "earth please swallow me up now." She's uncomfortable and after a long and awkward silence the other woman decides to speak again._

 _\- I don't think we've met yet, I'm Noel. - She looks at me and extends her hand. I start to answer but Arizona interrupts._

 _\- Noel, this is Doctor Torres... and... I don't mean to be rude... but we're in the middle of something important and we don't have much time... so if you'll excuse us..._

 _\- Wow! You're still so direct... I thought I'd gotten the wrong impression after that night... and that you'd be different this time, but I was wrong ... you're such a whor... – The thought of what she was about to say to Arizona angers me and I interrupt abruptly_

 _\- I'd watch what I was saying if I were you... Dr. Robbins already told you that we were occupied._

 _\- You're not worth my time anyway. - The woman scoffs in annoyance and finally leaves._

 _\- What was that? - I say curiously._

 _\- An error in judgement and yes... I'm gay. - She says spewing the information easily._

 _\- Mmmm? - I look at her surprised and she laughs._

 _\- What? Is that it? Don't tell me you're homophobic and can't be friends without people like me. - She laughs, knowing that it wasn't how I felt... I suddenly noticed the dimples that appear on her cheeks... Have they always been there? I left the mental ramblings._

 _\- Noooo... That's ridiculous, I was married to a woman... I'm a lesbian... or bi... whatever, I don't like labels... it's just that I was surprised... I wasn't expecting that, I didn't even realize... - I laugh readily._

 _\- That was uncomfortable... - She sighs in resignation. - I didn't even know she worked here when I met her at the bar and my number one rule is no sex with people from work... - She laughs._

 _\- You're just full of surprises. - I look at her eyes narrowing._

 _\- And you? You're no slouch... Bi? - We laugh._

Our relationship has definitely grown over time and although it has not been much, we've become very close. I laughed a lot at the story behind Noel, but the most important thing is, that led me to learn more about her and her way of life. Things between us flow easily without realizing, and confidence arises naturally.

Moreover, during this time, I've dealt with everything pretty well. At work I've had some moments where I've felt overwhelmed, but I managed to keep it under control. My mind is still conflicted and in my solitude things often continue being difficult, but I'm working on it. Today I went to one of my appointments with Dr Potter.

If someone had once told me that I'd end up with a psychologist, therapist or whatever, I would have scoffed.

Even now I don't really go by my own choice, it was part of what I had to do to get back into the operating room and I went under that premise.

At the beginning I'd become so frustrated, but that improved after a few sessions. I don't usually verbalize my thoughts or talk about what happened to me, especially not with strangers. However Dr. Potter urged me not to take it only as a formality to get reinstated, but rather as something that could be beneficial for me.

The thought of sitting in front of him and telling him my whole life in a monologue was pointless to me. But it was not what I'd expected it to be, and even though I had to verbalize the things, I realized that it was actually helping.

I had to deal with the reason why I had to leave my job, the extremes that I'd faced during that time, what led me to bottoming out, my crisis and what triggered everything. His evaluation? Severe depression for the loss, and survivor's guilt, which led to my falling into the black hole of self-destruction and unhealthy addictions.

He said the first step to face, overcome or recover from the difficulties that life presented was the desire to "want to do something about it". He was optimistic because he said I had already taken that step the day I decided to return to work and everything thereafter depended on me.

That was the beginning.

"Accepting the pain is necessary to be rid of suffering," said Dr. Potter. "The goal is to create a meaningful life, where the key is to accept the pain that came with it."

. . .


	6. Chapter 6

.

\- (May 18, 2013) -

POV Arizona

I must say that the decision to come to Seattle was the best one I've ever made. It's been three months since I arrived and everything is amazing. I integrated rapidly, the relationship with my colleagues is very good, my work is very well evaluated and I just love my job... but aside from all of that, there's Calliope.

She gave me the opportunity to become part of her life and I don't intend to lose it for anything in the world. Our friendship is wonderful, it all started by chance and in an unusual way. However, these types of bonds are the strongest, those that arise without realizing and are not forced, that flow and grow naturally.

Since I met her at the bar, just over two months ago, she's somehow had an impact on me. And it's grown the more we meet, whether it was in the central hall of the hospital or the bar again. There was so much hidden in her eyes that my curiosity and desire to know her grew. Finally we started working together, a surprise that I accepted without question.

That's how we started to approach. But it wasn't until a month ago when we witnessed the car accident that really changed things.

Now my friendship with Callie is stronger than ever and I feel I can't live without her, she has filled my life so suddenly. Teddy and I have been friends for several years, but what I have with Callie is something completely different. What I share with her, it's not like something I've ever had before. It's a bond of another level and I love that, I never want lose it.

She has been working hard to overcome her problems and trying to become the surgeon she was before, and I feel that her visits to Dr Potter are definitely beneficial for her. It's going to be a long journey, but I'm happy to know that she's trying.

Despite her difficult times, there are some moments where I can see a glow to her and that's new to me. When she feels good and goes through good times she relaxes, is fantastic and I enjoy it immensely. We have had conversations so funny and weird, and I want to see that more often.

We've progressed so much in our friendship. We get along better and better, and most of the time we even have to say much to understand each. Certainty is also something that has appeared and our conversations have grown in confidence, we now talk about everything and nothing.

A place we had yet explored was about relationships. She knew I was lesbian after the whole fiasco with Noel, she'd laughed at what happened, but never ask anything, yet I told her that was not a person for long-term relationships or compromise. I never asked her about her life after Laura, I just know that she had meaningless sex and fell into excesses that she was not proud of. But none of us chose to delve more into the subject. I don't mind talking about it, I was able to talk about anything with her, but we never breached that topic.

But the other day I was surprised when, in a very natural way, the subject came up. We were sharing our lunch, which was usual whenever our schedules coincide. Sometimes we joined with others and at times it was just us, as on this occasion.

 _\- They're really not discreet are they? - I asked as I bite into my apple._

 _\- What are you talking about? - She took a sip of her drink and raises her eyebrow in question._

 _\- Calliope...- I tell her silently. – Them... – I subtly gesture to the other table with my head._

 _\- What is going on with them? - I chuckled quietly, she always was a little lost on these things._

 _\- Really, have you not heard the rumours? What world do you live on? - I laugh. – They're having an affair. The redheaded nurse is supposed to have boyfriend and look... anyone can see that there is something more going on over there... watch how they look at each other and how they flirt. - She looks at me incredulously as I speak._

 _\- You're up with the gossip... - She laughs. - I hadn't heard anything... but from what I've seen now, I'm not seeing anything unusual. - She looks at them and returns to our conversation._

 _\- Mmmm... Well I smell something fishy, my sense of smell does not betray me. - I move my eyebrows up and down._

 _\- Arizona... - Says my name slowly as she leans forward on the table - I think you need to get out and have some fun. We wouldn't be talking about random people, we would be talking about you instead and that would really be more interesting than them. - She makes me a gesture toward the other table._

 _\- Hey! Just because I don't talk about it, it doesn't mean I don't get out! - I give her a wink._

 _\- Really? You never told me!_ _-_

 _\- Honestly, there's been nothing to tell... you know... it's only to relieve some tension... and it's been a while since ... and I haven't felt very "wow!" about it... do you get what I mean? - She looks at me curiously and I'm not sure where this sudden awkwardness came from. - I don't know what it is... maybe it's because I'm older, or I don't know... but I'm not as enthusiastic about going out as I was before, even when I haven't had... you know... and that was something that doesn't happen often to me, I was always with someone... - I'm rambling and I know it, but for some reason I'm very nervous about talking to Callie about this._

 _She laughs. - Let me see if I understand... you've had sex, but hasn't really been that good, and that's why you don't talk about it... but now it's been "some time" since you last… something that's was unusual, and you're not sure why you're not as enthusiastic about it the idea as before... did I get it all? -_

 _I laugh. – Yeah, you got it all in one._ _-_

 _\- Why are you so nervous? We're friends... I thought we were so far over the awkwardness stage by now that we could talk about everything... right?_ _-_

 _\- Of course... I don't know why I' so awkward... it's just that we've never talked about it but clearly we can because we talk about everything... in any case, no, nothing important or exciting to say... it's been a while since anyone has made me lose my head... - I pout in disappointment._

 _\- Maybe it is because there's been no connection between you and them. You might not realize, but sometimes you need something more than just sex. I'm not saying that you need to be in a relationship or a commitment and all that to feel that spark... though if that happens its fine... but maybe need to find someone that has more in common with you and share more than just one night... without major commitments, as you like it, but something more permanent in time._ _-_

 _\- Hmmm... I don't know, maybe you're right... maybe I'm too old to go around thrown by life, from night to night, looking for an adventure... - I laugh._

 _\- I never said you're too old... I think you're beautiful and you can find something cute and exciting, something worth telling... you just have to give yourself a chance... - She looks at me whilst she talks, and it feels as if she knew more about me than myself._

 _\- Now what? Are we launching a campaign? - I try to change direction the conversation because somehow her words touched me. - You help me to find the right woman, dating and stuff? - I laugh._

 _\- I don't know how well that's going to turn out... but obviously, they will have to go through my approval... you're my friend and you deserve the best... - She gives me a beautiful smile and I sigh._

 _\- Okay, you'll be quality control... but you can only use your natural intuition as a woman, nothing more... - She laughs and I love her laughter, that's something I've seen more often lately and her sound is contagious._

 _\- Nooo, why? Only my natural intuition? What about my intuition as a fellow lady lover... - She jokes and laughs._

We are, by now, over the 'uncomfortable things' stage, and there's officially nothing we don't talk about. Well, she never delved into the death of her wife and daughter; it was still a sore topic, but I respect that and I don't push, I just listen if and when she decides to share something.

I spend most of my time with her so it's no surprise that I don't go out as often before. Teddy says I have a "Calliope dependency" because I am not the same person I was before, but I believe that she's exaggerating. Tomorrow is Friday, I'm going out with someone.

Callie told me to take a chance and try to get to know her, to have a good time and to not shut down the possibilities before it had a chance to happen. I think she's right, so tonight, I'm trying.

. . .

\- (May 24, 2013) -

It's Friday and usually we go to Joe`s with Callie. At first she was reluctant to go, but then she gave in and now, whenever we can, Friday is bar night.

However, I have other plans tonight, plans that should excite me.

I was thinking about it, when my office door was opened and Callie peeked.

\- Hey! What are you doing here?

\- Got a second?

\- Of course, go ahead. - I see that she's ready to head out. – Is everything okay? Are _you_ okay? - I asked with concern.

\- If I'm fine, nothing's wrong, don't worry... I don't have much more left for today and just wanted to say goodbye, I hope you to do well tonight. - She smiles at me gently.

\- Yeah! Thanks. - I try to sound as excited as possible – What about you? Joe`s tonight?

\- No I don't think so. I'm going to spend my night in my apartment. I've been neglecting it for so long, it's time to put a little time there. - She laughs. - Well... have fun tonight, I'll see you later.

\- Hey! Callie... - she turns around before opening the door, but I don't say what's really on my mind. - See you later, have a nice day tomorrow... You're off, right?

\- Oh! Thanks. Yeah, I'm off. - She waits for me to continue, but I say nothing so she says goodbye again. - Take care of yourself, bye.

She leaves and I'm left alone with my thoughts.

Why I did not say what I wanted?

I also have the day off and wanted to invite her to lunch some place different, somewhere other than Joe's or the cafeteria. I've never invited her to my apartment for dinner or movies, or even for a meal outside the hospital. That's something I do with Teddy... well, not lately.

I should be able to do it with her too, we're friends now.

. . .

The afternoon passed quickly and I went to home exhausted. I took a shower to relax me, but it was time to come out, I was not so enthusiastic about date. For a moment I thought about calling and cancelling with some random excuse, but I forced myself to change my mind and try to enjoy the night ahead of me instead.

Without me realizing the moment came sooner than I would have liked and I was already sitting at a great, luxurious and expensive restaurant, in the company of a very attractive woman. She was a lawyer who I'd met through some mutual friends. A meeting that turned out to be very pleasant, it ended with a phone number and an invitation to leave when I wanted.

But it was after my conversation with Callie that I thought it might be a good idea to call, I had spent some time debating with myself, but I guess I had nothing to lose by trying. So I, begrudgingly, called her and here I am now.

Conversation was going well... well, at least she's talked enough for the both of us. It's not bad, but I have not stopped thinking about how much better it would be at Joe`s. This elegant, luxurious environment is too much for me sometimes, it doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it or that I hate it, it's just that today I wanted something more relaxed or simple.

I don't know why, but I feel like something's missing.

. . .

I was so far in my own mind that I was completely at a loss to what Melissa was saying to me. - What? - She smiled at my answer.

\- I'll be right back, I'm just going to the bathroom. - I nodded as she gets up from the table leaving me alone with my thoughts.

And my thoughts are going in one single direction.

I wonder what Callie's doing?

I get out my phone, unlocking it and seeking her name in my contacts list. I briefly wonder if it's a good idea to send a text, but it's too late, I've already sent it.

* Hey! Calliope, what's up?  
Does your apartment look brand new?

I waited a moment thinking I would not get response, but I was wrong.

* I'm almost done, but I'm taking a break right now.  
My stomach was calling for attention  
so I'm now waiting for the pizza guy to arrive.

* Pizza! Guy? Sounds like fun!  
Enjoy for me, but just the pizza...  
I'll leave the guy for you. ;)

* Hahaha, Okay.  
Everything okay with your date?

* It's good, but I would rather be eating pizza with you. :(

Why am I saying? Shit! I already sent it.

* What? Really? With the way you're thinking,  
you won't be getting very far with your dates.  
But if you finish early come here, I'll share with you. ;)

* It sounds promising :)  
but I wouldn't want to interrupt you and the pizza guy.

* Don't worry  
I'll make sure he's gone by the time you get here.  
Let me know how it goes.

I laugh at her answer, hoping that it was a joke. I mean, sure, she can do whatever she wants, but it _was_ just a joke right?

* If I decide to sneak out early,  
I'll come over.

I didn't know that Melissa had been watching me as she returned to the table, and when she asked why I was smiling, I brushed it off and continued like nothing had happened.

I wanted to leave, but I didn't know how to tell her without coming off as rude. The truth is, I was so much more enthusiastic about the pizza than I was being here.

Is this what Teddy meant by my "Calliope dependency"? No, I think not; we just get along well, and we just... click.

Dinner had already ended, and we had our fair share of conversation and exquisite wine. However, Melissa didn't want the night to end yet, saying that it was too early. She asked if I wanted to go a club she knew around here and I found the perfect moment to excuse myself, claiming to be too tired due to the really stressful day at work. I thanked her for dinner, and told her how much I enjoyed her company, but I really needed to rest. I could tell she was disappointment, but said she understood.

We left shortly after; parting with goodnights and goodbyes before I got in my car and quickly sent a text.

* Is the invitation still open?

* Of course.

* I'm on my way.

. . .

Upon arriving at her apartment, I stood frozen outside her door and for reasons unknown I felt nervousness creeping up my spine. Maybe it was because I had only been here once and for entirely different circumstances, this was the first time we would be together outside of work or Joe's.

Ignoring the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, I knocked on her door gently and waited... when she opened it and peeked out from behind... my nerves were not better.

She looked relaxed with a smile on her face and her eyes shone brightly... She looked amazing and I lost the ability to speak, I could only smile back and stare.

She wore a white cotton shirt and worn jeans. She wasn't wearing any makeup, her hair up in a bun and I appreciated her exposed neck following the way the chain of her necklace fell against her chest... Her appearance was so simple... This was Callie in the purest form, comfortable in her own space, she didn't need anything else... she was just simply beautiful.

\- Hey! Are you going to come or are you staying out there all night? - Her voice suddenly pulls me out of my daze.

\- Oh! Yeah! Of course. - I go in and glance around the apartment looking for a distraction from my thoughts. – You really weren't joking when you said you'd neglected your apartment, huh? - The whole place was clean and tidy... I swear it even sparkled; it was nothing like the last time I was here.

\- Yeah, it was about time... those boxes will go straight into the trash. - I see a lot of boxes piled near the door. – I've still got a lot more to do, but that can wait until later, wanna join me for pizza? - She tells me as she walks to the kitchen.

. . .

When we finished we moved to the sofa and our conversation kept flowing without pause. There were silent moments, but there was nothing uncomfortable or awkward about it.

We end up sitting on opposite ends of the couch, facing each other. She has one leg bent under the other, her elbow resting on the back of the couch and her head resting on her hand.

I couldn't help staring at her as we spoke, I loved seeing her this, she was just so... relaxed.

After a while I saw myself with my legs stretched along the couch, I don't know when I did that or when I removed my shoes. As the conversation progressed, Callie occasionally reached for my feet and my ankles giving light massages. I'm not sure if she even realized what she was doing, but did not seem to bother her, and I wasn't about to complain. We were laughing, about who knows what, and I wasn't going to be the one who ended the moment.

. . .

Time passed without us realizing.

When I looked at the time, I realized how late it was and immediately made to leave. Callie suggested I stayed because was too late to drive and I accepted without hesitation, I wasn't working tomorrow so it wouldn't be a problem for me.

We talked a little more before Callie led me to the guest room. - Make yourself at home, if you need anything just help yourself and give me a shout. - I nodded and said goodnight.

. . .

I lay in bed and never thought it would be so difficult to fall asleep.

I had too much on my mind and I couldn't sleep.

I kept thinking about why I paid so much attention to Callie. I have always been aware of how beautiful she is, but now everything... absolutely everything... catches my attention.

Her eyes, hair, body, and the way she dresses... how she laughs, her smell... When she touches me without realizing... her sense of humor, her quirks... sometimes I found myself simply staring at her because I was caught up in those details... everything about her captivated me slowly.

This is wrong, I can't think of her like that, we're friends and I can't cross that line. That would mean losing her and I'm not willing to let that happen. I had to get these ideas out of my head; I'm just confused.

I got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water, I just needed to clear my head and stop thinking.

. . .

I turned on the kitchen light, grabbing a glass to fill with water when Callie's voice startled me. - You can't sleep? - I turn around to find her on the couch, though I can't see her clearly due to the darkness.

\- I was thirsty... but yeah, I can't get to sleep... What about you? What's going on? - I drink some water and stare at the bottom of the glass hoping to find clarity in there. I felt Callie approaching the kitchen, while talking again.

\- It happens sometimes... - I lift my eyes and look at her as she approaches towards the light, and when I see her... I'm frozen, there's no way I'm going to erase this image from my mind... she looks... Wow!

She was wearing a silk nightie with thin straps at the shoulders, it fell to mid-thigh and has V-neck with lace details. Callie is barefoot and my eyes go to her legs, I can't help it, they're amazing. My gaze comes back up, I pause at her neckline and then... my eyes widen when I notice that she's not wearing bra... She's perfect.

I feel something that I've never felt before. It starts at my stomach, that sensation between vertigo and a pull. I can't explain it. It feels as if something is running through me, starting from the top of my head and falling straight down through to the soles of my feet, like a whirlwind sweeping away everything in its path. A shiver runs through me, leaving me with a tingling sensation.

Never, in all my life, have I felt this much from only staring at someone. My hands start to sweat, I want to reach out to touch her, but... I shake my head, this isn't right and I shift my gaze away from her quickly.

I drink more water and I turn to leave glass on the counter. I have to get this out of my head and get back to my room.

\- Well, I think I should be able sleep now. - I look at her and give her a sheepish smile whilst passing by her side. - Good night.

\- Good night. - She replies gently.

. . .

Upon reaching the room I close the door and let out the breath I wasn't aware I was holding in. I walk quickly to the bed and fall backwards onto it.

I stare at the ceiling looking for answers... this cannot be happening... if I don't hit the brakes now, it will be even harder later.

I need to do something.

Maybe I should give Melissa a call?

Maybe that would help?

Maybe the lack of sex is messing with my head?

That's a lot of maybes.

Damn it! I can't get the image of her out of my head.

This is going to be a _very_ long night.

It can't just be me that's affected right? Did Callie feel anything?

No, of course she didn't, she's my friend, and that's all.

I cover my face with the pillow to smother the cry that wants to escape.

Aaagh! Well done!

. . .


	7. Chapter 7

.

\- (June 6, 2013) -

Callie POV

I was never a morning person, but today my eyes opened early. I got out of bed went to the window and looked out; the day seemed a little gray. The sky was dark with threats of rain. I opened the window and a blast of wind broke in, the cold breeze it made me shiver. I closed my eyes, lost in my thought, before I remembered that in a few days it would be a year since the death of my wife and daughter.

I took a minute and breathed deeply, preparing myself for the day ahead of me, attempting to cope with things, as I've always done.

It's been almost a year since I've had to continue my life without them and, by now, some things have changed.

All of the feelings and thoughts are still in me, somehow, but now I have better control over it.

I've learned to move forward with what happened, I still have bad days, but it's nothing like before. The pain and sadness will always be there, rooted deep in my heart, under the skin, but I can smile from day to day and I know I can keep walking.

. . .

It's been almost three months since I started working again and my sessions with Dr Potter, and as I leave his office, my smile is unable to disappear from my face. I'm ready to get back to the operating room now and I have the letter to prove it. This doesn't mean that I'm done with him, I have still a long way, but this is a big step that motivates me and allows me to see the road ahead, finally, with hope and enthusiasm.

Since deciding to go back to work, I recovered an important part of my life when I thought there was nothing more for me. Gradually I was opening myself again to share with the people I had walked away and with some new people too.

Today was a good day.

My thoughts went to Arizona. She has been fundamental to this stage.

I left with an enthusiasm that I haven't felt in a long time and all I wanted to do was to find her. I went straight to her floor and asked for her, only to be told that she was resting in the on-call rooms, and when I found her, she was asleep. I walked silently. She seemed so peaceful that I didn't want to wake her. I sat on the sofa close to her and I got lost in my thoughts as I watched her.

\- Callie? - I listen to her distant voice. - Calliope? - I didn't realise she'd woken up.

\- Mmmm? - It was all that came out, and when she sat up in bed and I blink my eyes rapidly as if I was awakening from a dream.

\- What happened? What are you doing here? - She gets up and stands in front of me.

I try to focus my mind and when I finally got out of the trance, I smiled. I stood and hugged her. We had a close friendship and a hug was not uncommon, but I felt her curiosity peak when she pulled away slightly and looked at me.

\- Not that I mind, but... Why the sudden attack? - She had a dimpled smile on her face as she gestured to my arms around her.

\- Should I have some reason to hug you? - I looked at her, my brow furrowed, as I feigned offense.

\- No, of course not... but I know something's up... tell me what it is. - I smile.

\- How do you know me so well? - I smile again; it's just so easy with her. - The truth is, yes, something happened and I wanted you to be the first person to know.

\- I knew it! What is it? Tell me, tell me! - She moves her hands impatiently.

\- I have my authorization. – I'm sure my smile doesn't fit in my face anymore. - Dr. Pott... – I'm interrupted when Arizona pulls me in tightly. We stay like that for a moment and she speaks into my shoulder.

\- I am so happy for you... – Her hug is so comforting. - I know how much it means to you and how hard you've worked to achieve it. Congratulations, I'm so excited.

\- Thanks... - I separate myself a little to look into her eyes. - Thank you for wanting to be part of my life when I was a complete mess... - I smiled. - Well, I'm still... - she shakes her head - but Thank you for being there... for supporting me... for helping me... - I look away as I start to feel a strange fluttering in my stomach and I don't know what it is. - Thanks for being my friend.

She brings her hand to my chin forcing me to lift up my gaze. Our eyes meet and she tilts her head slightly, as she speaks to me smiling.

\- You don't have to thank me; it makes me happy be your friend. - She pauses and takes a deep breathe. - Meeting you and being a part of your life is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. - She seems surprised at her own admission and I get the impression that she didn't mean to say that out loud. I eyed her curiously, there is something in her eyes that I don't recognise and I've never seen in her before. – I'm the one who needs to thank you for letting me in there... - She points to my heart. - We stay in a comfortable silence for a moment.

\- So what do you say we go to celebrate after our shifts? - I ask, hoping she would agree - maybe Mark would come as well. - Why did I include mark when I wanted to be with her?

She looking away and tells me she can't. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement, but I keep it to myself.

\- Sorry, I'm meeting Melissa after my shift. If you had told me a few minutes ago earlier... - I didn't let she finish speaking.

\- It's okay, don't worry about it! - I avoid her gaze - Mmmm... Well... I'll see you later. - All the enthusiasm I had earlier has suddenly left me and I'm left flailing.

\- Hey! Wait! I'm really sorry... I know this is important... Let me call and I'll see... - I speak and try to sound convincing.

\- Seriously, it's fine. You have plans and I do not want to ruin it. We can do this any other day... It doesn't matter, just go. -

\- But... - She looks a little confused.

\- Arizona... just have fun, I'll see you later. - I smile and I leave.

. . .

What just happened?

Why do I feel this way?

Am I sad?

Annoyed?

What's wrong with me?

I wanted to celebrate with her, but she has plans. And it's okay, she's dating Melissa, everything is very new, she has to do her part so that it can work well.

When Arizona told me she had been talking with Melissa and they would go out again, I was surprised. After their first date, I thought she'd never see her again. According to Arizona, it had all been fine, but she couldn't see it going anywhere with Melissa.

Besides, after that, we'd meet constantly, do stuff together almost everyday. It wasn't just Joe's, the hospital cafeteria or work stuff. Now, we hang out at our apartments, go out to dinner, shopping... everything that two friends can do...

That's why I didn't see coming.

Even though we'd joke that she wouldn't have many dates with all the time she spent with me. I wasn't complaining, I loved spending time with her, but as a good friend I should look after her interests and concerns. We were laughing about her crazy occurrences and how she would ever meet someone if all her time was spent on me.

Last week, after a few dates with Melissa, Arizona told me she'd slept with her. We talked about it, and she said she wanted to give it a chance. As her friend, I supported her, and made up my mind that we would spend less time together.

Today, for the first time, it felt strange for her to have plans without me, we spent so much time together than I'd gotten used to it.

That must have been what changed my mood.

. . .

Joe's with Mark and Lexie was not what I had in mind, but he was my friend and I'm grateful for his company. We were in the middle of a conversation when I saw Arizona come in with a woman who I'm assuming is Melissa. They sat at a table away from us, so she didn't see me and that was something that I was really grateful for.

I should have left, but for some reason, I couldn't find it in me to leave. Occasionally I'd subtly glance towards her and see that she looked so relaxed. After a while, I lost sight of her at her table and found her dancing with Melissa and I immediately regretted my decision to stay.

They were dancing very sensually, Melissa had her hands on Arizona's hips and they moved very well together. Arizona was really close to her neck and her eyes were closed. I wondered how it would feel to be there with her... but I banished the thought as soon as it appeared, it was foolish thought to have crossed my mind.

\- Is everything alright? - Mark asked as he looks toward where I was looking. - They look good together, right? - He looks at me, and I know there are questions on his mind. - You okay? -

\- What? Yeah... I'm okay... I just I need to go to the bathroom. - I get up to go and risk another glance on my way, right at that moment she opens her eyes and my footsteps stop involuntarily as we stare at each other. She looks surprised and I leave as fast as I can.

I could finally breathe when arrived to the bathroom. I cool my face and I stood in front of the mirror with my hands resting on the sink. I saw my necklace through the mirror, and I gripped it tightly. I closed my eyes, I felt as if I had done something wrong and wanted to mourn. My head was so confused. I didn't understand what was going on with me.

The sound of the door opening startled me. I opened my eyes and I saw Arizona's reflection in the mirror. The silence surrounds us while she sets her sight on hand clutching my necklace.

\- I did not expect to see you here, I didn't see you when I came in. - She lifted her gaze to my eyes. - I saw you while I was dancing and... - She shakes her head. - I'm sorry for not celebrating with you, I wanted to cancel but you... - She wants to give me explanations that she didn't need to and I didn't allow her to continue.

For the first time, I think we felt uncomfortable with each other. - It's okay, you had plans with your girl and that's fine... It doesn't matter, I was with Mark and Lexie. - Despite what it I said, there's something bothering me. - I was just leaving, actually... See you later. - I give her a half smile through the mirror and turn around to go out. She does not move and when I walk by her side, she takes my hand to stop me. I stop and watch our hands entwined together, my other hand never leaving my necklace.

\- Calliope... - silence - I... - More silence, she looks at the hand holding my necklace and closes her eyes. - I'm very happy for you... - For a moment I thought I'd say something different. I look at her, nod my head and I squeeze my lips. I'm trying to control the emotions that are scattered inside me, without really knowing why there's so much mess in my head. I feel her thumb moving over my hand ever so gently... my heart beats fast and it seems to be afraid... I don't know why but my need to escape overpowers me.

\- I know... - I don't know what's wrong, and I feel like crying, but I restrain myself - Now get back out there, because she's waiting for you. - I tell her honestly, despite the sadness that's threatening to escape.

\- You... - She thinks about what she wants to say. - Do you still you love her? Honestly? - Her eyes are holding back some tears. - I... I'm sorry, I didn't want...

\- Yes... - I take a deep breath and I raise my gaze from our hands. - I have to go, I'm getting tired now... - I go out with an endless number of confusing emotions.

Once I return to our table, I hastily gathered my things and left the bar. I just wanted to get to my bed and sleep. I don't know what was going on with me, I was upset and sad at the same time, and I missed Laura.

. . .

Arizona POV

Today Calliope was happy and I love it seeing her like that. When I woke up and I saw her watching me lost in her thoughts, I felt a flutter in my heart. And when she smiled at me and hugged me suddenly, I was pleasantly surprised, I knew nothing bad had happened, but I was curious. Then I understood her enthusiasm, she could return to the operating room.

She wanted to celebrate and I ruined the moment. I had plans with Melissa.

Dammit! I just should have gone with Callie, what did it matter if I cancelled?

I went out with Melissa, as a reaction to my confused feelings with Callie. Feelings that I didn't fully understand, but I knew where it was going. I began to see beyond my friendship with her and that was not possible. I tried to avoid it, but it wasn't working, so I thought it would good idea to go out with someone else.

I spent a lot of time with Callie and that was something I loved, but it was increasingly difficult keep at bay what I was beginning to feel for her. Thus Melissa it was a distraction, a way not to think about her. Besides, I was afraid that she'd walk away from me and I couldn't bear that thought. I wanted her in my life and our friendship came first.

I know it was unfair go out with Melissa for those reasons, but I would try my best to make it work. She was an attractive woman and that helped. I didn't intend sleep with her at that night, it just happened. I thought that sex it would be a good way to clear my head, as it had done so before, but I'm not sure that it worked anymore. It wasn't bad, but, like everything from a long ago... something was missing.

When I told Callie, I did it to weigh up her reaction. She seemed surprised that I'd gone out with Melissa again, but seemed fine with it. And that was my reason to move on, although I dreamed of her saying something to give me hope, it wasn't like that. I knew we'd never have anything more than just friendship. And I could live with that... probably.

. . .

Melissa arrived to pick me up the hospital and we went to Joe's. With a thousand things on my mind, we arrived and ordered something to drink. However much I tried to concentrate, my head was scattered. Even so, I showed the greatest interest possible.

I didn't notice when we went to dance. I just felt her hands on my hips, pulling me little by little toward her and I didn't deny the invitation. I closed my eyes, trying to enjoy the sensations, I forced myself to enjoy the moment. I was moving in sync with her, I needed a connection, I wanted get carried away ... but nothing.

It was when I opened my eyes, and unexpectedly saw her. Our eyes locked in a moment that seemed eternal, I felt as if the seconds stopped. Our gaze was intense and a strange feeling caught me, I wanted to approach her and explain myself. But, why?

Then, Callie ran and I was left with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Before I realized it, she was out of sight. What was that? Is she annoyed? Is there really a possibility of an 'us'? Or is it just in my head?

I excuse myself and I followed her to the bathroom. When I opened the door I saw her in front of mirror with her eyes closed and her hand on her chest. For a moment thought she had felt something when she saw me with Melissa.

She was startled when I spoke, she opened her eyes and saw me through the mirror, but her eyes looked sad.

\- It's okay, you had plans with your girl and that's fine... It doesn't matter, I was with Mark and Lexie. - I felt uncomfortable for the first time with us. My girl? What? - I was just leaving, actually... See you later. - She gives me a half smile as she comes towards the door. I don't move, I say nothing. When she walks by my side, I reach for her hand and stop her.

\- Calliope... – Silence. - I... - I didn't know I was going to say, but when I glanced at her hand on her chest, I realize that she was clinging to her necklace like a lifeline. I'm so stupid. I close my eyes hard... Laura is the problem, she's still in love with her. - I'm very happy for you... - She nods, controlling her emotions. She never dropped her necklace and her gaze is on our hands, I stroked her hand with my thumb and it felt so good that I couldn't stop.

\- You... - Why do I want to ask something I already know the answer? - Do you still you love her? Honestly? - I want to cry. - I... I'm sorry, I didn't want...

\- Yes... - what did I hope she would say? - I have to go, I'm getting tired now... - Then she leaves and I'm left standing in the same place for god knows how long.

Melissa, I had forgotten.

. . .

\- (June 9, 2013) -

Callie POV

The time has spent and with it life has changed. Today, I know.

One year, is how much time that has elapsed. A year since the deepest pain I've ever experienced and I'm standing here, as I never thought I would be. With a bruised heart, but still beating. With wounds that haven't yet healed, but in which I'm working on.

A year in which I lost myself and I found myself again.

A year in which I haven't stopped loving and missing.

A year in which I've since changed.

A year that brought to me new things, things that still I can't explain.

. . .

Since I left the bar, I've been trying to avoid Arizona. I wanted to distance myself from her, because I want to understand what's happened to me. But I don't know if I can't or simply I don't want to understand. I've tried, but the possibilities that cross at my head aren't possible.

So I've been totally immersed in work these days and I've managed not to see her. The days have been a little rough as today's date approached. It's Sunday and I should be on-call, but I called Owen and he made some changes.

Walking always allowed me to clear my mind, I needed it, and so it was what I did.

. . .

It's inevitable that the memories would come to me.

Laura.

I remember touring the park... We'd sit and talk for hours... we enjoyed the simplest things.

I smiled.

I miss have her beside me, waking up with her, watching her sleep, making love to her, exploring her body, losing myself in her.

I miss feeling loved and being only one in the world for someone... that's how she made me feel.

How will I ever let you go, Laura?

I breathe deeply and Arizona appears in my mind

Why?

Is it the product of sadness, of loneliness?

Do I really have feelings for her?

Or is it just a moment of vulnerability?

After Laura, I immersed myself into different people, but I looking back and I regret it so much. I was not aware of anything, and every day, I lost a little more. I was walking through the numbness to forget and not feel, but nothing worked.

Today, I'm in another position, different from what it's been for so long, and yes ... I still remember, there is still sadness, there are still tears and it still hurts... but something has changed, even when I don't have the certainty of what it is.

I miss them, and it's something that will never change. The things can be more in calm with time, but I'm sure that this feeling will never disappear completely.

. . .

Emily.

My little girl never should have died so tragically. But they say that things happen for a reason and that's my consolation. However absurd it may seem, I want to believe that she was saved from the greatest pain yet.

What will become of them? They will be somewhere else together?

People talk so much about an afterlife, but is there really such a place?

I want to believe, in my heart, that there is... I want to believe that souls go somewhere and from there, they will always be with me. Because no matter what happens, they will always be part of my life and my heart.

Sometimes I look at the stars in the sky and I see so much light in the universe that I imagine they're there as a star and will always be watching over me. I want to keep that in me, I want to remember every minute of happiness that they gave me and leave behind the pain. I want to make this day, a day of light and never more about darkness.

It is not easy to deal with the pain, but I do not want that to tarnish my most beautiful memories, not anymore.

There are tears, there will always be.

The cold wind hits my face, the tears have dried, and my eyes are tired. My mind and my body are exhausted. It's time to return at home.

. . .

Arriving at my floor, the elevator doors open and I see Arizona sitting against the wall outside my apartment. I approached slowly and I stopped in front of her. Just looking at her was enough for the conflicting feelings return to me. I didn't need this today.

\- Are you okay? I've called you all day and you didn't answer, I've sent you messages and nothing. I haven't seen you in days because you've been avoiding me, and you didn't show up for work today... what the hell happened to you?! – Her voice steadily rises, in anger or perhaps worry, I'm not sure anymore. - I've been so worried. I thought something happened to you... God, Callie! What's going on? - She stands up.

\- Sorry, I left without my phone.

\- And you were out all day? Where were you?

\- Sorry Arizona - I walk toward the door with my head down. – Now's not a good time, I'm not really up to company ... I just want to be alone.

\- What? You're just gonna leave me like that? - I entered and sat on the couch, leaving the door open for Arizona to follow and sit beside me. – You're not gonna tell me what's wrong? - Her voice is calmer now.

I snort, and drop my head back, closing my eyes. I return from my moment, I breathe deep, straightened up my back and rub my thighs anxiously before speaking.

\- Today marks one year... – Silence. - I just needed to be calm... I wanted to walk to clear my mind and I didn't realize the time. - I say without looking at her, her attitude and the way she talked to me annoyed me slightly, but I know that she didn't know the importance of today because I'd never told her.

\- Oh! - Silence and surprise. - Sorry... I didn't... I didn't mean to attack you like that... or speak to you like that... but ... it's just... I was so scared... -

\- It's okay. – It's all I had to say.

A moment of silence enveloped us. Arizona seemed to be struggling with her fear of saying the wrong thing and I didn't know what to say after all the feelings I've had today. Arizona, struggling with herself, approached me and broke the silence.

\- You're okay? - She says softly, she turns sideways on the couch and puts her hand on my thigh. - Can you look at me? Please?

I look at her eyes. - It's hard, but I feel calm... I still feel sad and I miss them so much... - I'm not able to say anything more and I feel like my eyes overflow with tears. I'm not sure what's affecting me the most right now, if my feelings are because of my loss, or if they're because of the confused feelings about Arizona. Maybe it's a mixture of the two, but it has become more difficult than it should be.

Arizona doesn't say anything; she just shuffles a little closer. With one hand still on my thigh, her other hand reaches behind me and hugs me. I lean forward and put my forehead on her shoulder looking down as she caresses my back gently.

I hold my breath, I feel as if I'm in the middle of a storm of feelings that's threatening to rip me apart and I don't want that to happen. Tears fall silently as I'm overpowered by the feeling of sadness and confusion. I don't want to feel this, not today, it's not right, But she's here, holding me... and it's not helping, at least not today.

I can't take my mind off her and feel her body against mine. God! This can't be happening to me. I lift my head slowly, my eyes are in front of her lips, and... I want to kiss her... I close my eyes tightly... she is my best friend, I repeat in my mind...

I feel horrible, but it's something I can't control. Laura, forgive me.

I open my eyes and I meet hers again. She takes my face between her hands, gently wiping my tears with her thumbs and I shudder. My tears do not stop, I feel guilty. She says nothing.

I tell myself that this is just an impulse, a reaction to my loneliness, it's because I miss the feeling of being loved. Arizona is by my side giving me support, and it's just confused me.

I miss the feeling of being touched and kissed... but not from anyone, from someone who makes me feel special, like I'm the only one that matters in this world... this is how it made me feel Laura.

I need to stop thinking.

\- I think you should leave. I'm sorry, but I need to be alone. - I have to look away, I can't handle her eyes.

\- Calliope, please ... let me be with you, beside you... I'm your friend.

I nod my head, that's... we're friends, I take a deep breath.

\- Please ... - I can't deal with this now. - I know you're my friend and I appreciate it ... but right now, I just need to ... be alone ... please. - My voice comes out almost like a plea. - I'll be fine, I promise.

She gets up from the couch carefully and nods silently, she looks sad but says nothing more.

She gives me a soft kiss on the cheek and leaves.

As soon as she disappears before me, my hand goes to my cheek where her lips were a moment ago.

A kiss.

How long has it been since I've been kissed?

This was a simple kiss, innocent, affectionate of friends.

So why is my mind straying?

Then I become aware of what I'm thinking and I'm angry.

Why today?

I just...

My thoughts should be only for my wife and daughter.

The time has passed and with it life has changed.

Will we be able to accept some of those changes and take risks?

. . .


	8. Chapter 8

.

\- (June 11, 2013) -

POV Arizona

Nothing happens the way we want it to. We try to handle things our way but life can change unannounced and we have no control over the feelings, because no matter where we decided to go with them... they will decide to go in the opposite direction.

The Sunday that just passed was a shitty day. In the morning when I got to the hospital, I looked for Callie to share our usual coffee. I had intended to make things better and redeem myself for not celebrating with her. She told me it didn't matter, but I knew it did because if the roles had been reversed, I would not be fine with it. Furthermore, she looked so sad when she left the bar, and I was hoping to lift her mood.

That night, for a minute, I thought seeing me with Melissa annoyed her, but I quickly realized that I was being ridiculous. It was obvious when I saw the way she clung to her necklace that she was missing her family.

I think that somehow, I felt jealous of Laura. I know I shouldn't feel this way, she was her wife... but when I see Callie, I'm able to feel that they had an history and such a strong connection, a connection that somehow still exists... and... I would like to have that with someone.

For some time all I wanted was sex, no strings attached, no feelings involved. I was fine with that, I had closed all doors to feelings long ago, and unexpectedly... unintentionally... I started to feel something that I had never experienced or ever allowed myself to feel. I found myself hankering after something, hoping, wishing, and dreaming of someone... and not simply in a sexual way, but rather in a different manner... wanting a full connection.

That desire didn't exist in me, I had no control over it and it sneaked into in my heart and planted itself permanently in there. I denied it in the beginning and then I tried to avoid it... now, I can't deny it anymore, I am completely aware of it. That day, I had the certainty... I have feelings for her that go beyond a normal friendship. Worst of all is that I know that it's not possible and I have to pluck this feeling of mine. That's why I'm dating someone else, she isn't who I want, but I hope, with time, I can get to love her, she is a good woman.

Anyway, on Sunday I looked for Callie everywhere, I tried to call her phone and sent messages, but nothing. Later I heard that she had asked for leave of absence and I was immediately worried.

I just wanted to cross the street and make sure she was okay, but I couldn't leave, my day was fully booked and I was distracted most of the day. That's why as soon as I was free I went to her apartment.

Arriving at her door, I panicked when no one answered. I thought my heart would stop, I was afraid that something might have happened to her, she looked so sad and confused, and my mind flew to the darkest places. I could only sit against the wall and wait.

When she finally returned, she looked tired and her eyes were red. Nevertheless, I was not able to control myself, and as soon as I saw that she was fine, my worry was taken over by anger. She didn't seem to care and entered her apartment without saying much. I followed her with the intention of continuing my tirade, but when I saw her fall onto the couch as if carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, I lost the remaining threads of my anger.

It was the anniversary of the death of her wife and daughter. God! If I had known, I wouldn't have spoken as I did. Dammit! I had gotten so scared I'd lost control of myself.

Now I understood why she was more withdrawn lately, and it wasn't because she was avoiding me.

That night she wanted to be alone and all I wanted was to stay beside her and hold her. For a moment I thought that was what she wanted too, I thought I saw it in her eyes, but soon she put up a barrier. I was only able to read sadness in her eyes, thought it was different to when I first met her. Now, in spite of everything, she seems calmer and less stormy.

So I got up, kissed her cheek and I left in silence. I didn't want to bother her anymore. I just hoped that she wouldn't walk away from me.

. . .

I didn't see her on Monday, but I gave her the time and space she needed because I knew if she needed me, she'd call and I'd never leave her side. It did not happen and I still hadn't seen her by lunchtime. Without wanting let go another day, I went for my usual coffee, and visited our usual spots hoping to catch sight of her, I even sent some messages, but so far nothing has worked.

Then I saw her entering the cafeteria while I was having lunch. She held her tray, looking for a place to sit, when she saw me, I smiled brightly and waved her over. As she approached I was able see how tired she looked, she sat front of me and she greeted me with a smile, but something was missing. We talked about some things, but I had to ask.

\- Is something wrong?

\- Mmmm - she swallows her food before speaking. - No, nothing. Why?

\- I don't know... you look tired, I haven't seen much of you since yesterday and you haven't answered any of the messages I've sent today…and… I've just missed you. - I missed her because before, if we weren't together, we were still in contact throughout the day.

\- No nothing's wrong, my phone died. There was an emergency surgery last night and Owen wanted me in it. Then I stayed here and I couldn't really sleep much and I've had a really busy morning today.

\- Really? You did your first surgery and you didn't tell me? Why not? I can't believe it, I would have wanted be there in the front row... – The fact that she didn't share this huge milestone with me hurt, it hurt a lot.

\- I don't know, it was late. It was not a very complex surgery so I didn't think it was important enough to tell you. Besides, I assumed you were busy, or asleep. - I think there is more than just fatigue in her.

\- I wish you would've told me, but... I guess there's nothing we can do about it now... - I'm disappointed, I was most definitely not busy at all last night, I'd gone out for a few drinks with Melissa, but didn't stay around for too long. What going on with Callie?

\- I am sorry. I didn't think it would matter.

\- Okay, but I don't like it when you exclude me from your life ... and your first surgery was important to me. - She smiles, I want things to be easy and I forget the matter. – How about we head over to Joe's tonight to celebrate? - I smile at her showing my dimples in its maximum splendour, I know she loves it even if she won't say it.

\- Not tonight, sorry. - I didn't expect that answer.

\- Ah ... right. - I feel sad, first the surgery and now she does not want go out with me. I don't know what to say.

\- I'm sorry, I'm just really tired and want the day to be over soon... I'd forgotten how exhausting it was to be in surgery and it's been so long since I been in one. - I'm not entirely convinced, but she does look tired.

\- Okay... but you owe me, and no excuses. - She smiles and nods.

. . .

I didn't see Callie until when I was leaving. She was walking out and looked so exhausted, I didn't even try to reach her.

That's how my day ended, in my apartment with a glass of wine and thoughts about Callie. Melissa called me and offered to come, but I didn't want to see her. I preferred to be quiet, on my couch alone, savouring the silence and loneliness.

Calliope, Calliope, Calliope...

It is so difficult get you out of my head, even when I try. I sip my wine, hoping I can drift off soon.

. . .

\- (June 14, 2013) -

The week has gone by quickly, and slowly things were getting better with Callie. We returned our morning coffee dates, but I still think that there's something more than just fatigue that's affecting her. Our daily texts have also continued, but I'm always the one that initiates. Is there anything else that she hasn't told me?

My morning has been slow and I haven't stopped thinking, my mind went from one thing to another. Besides, I had something that I wanted ask Callie and I'm not even sure if it was a good idea. I've told Melissa a lot about Callie, and she wanted to meet her. We haven't progressed far enough in our relationship to meet the friends and family yet, but she insisted.

I send a text to Callie to meet in an on-call room, but she has yet to arrive.

What would she think if I tell her?

Is it even a good idea to tell her?

I'm debating with myself, when I hear the door.

\- Hey! I'm sorry, I just got held up. -

\- No problems. - Where do I begin? - More surgeries? - I don't know because I'm so nervous.

\- Yeah, I had another one yesterday and I think I'm fine... at least I haven't killed anyone yet... - She laughs, looking more relaxed. - I haven't had anything very complex yet; I started with routine surgeries to help get myself back into the motions of things.

\- Well I'm glad... you need to take it slowly. - She nods.

\- What is it you wanted to talk to me about? -

\- The truth is... I don't know if it's a good idea... I wanted to ask you something... but if you don't want to, it's fine. –

\- Well... just tell me. –

\- You know... - silence - I'm dating Melissa... - she nods while listening. - Well ... apparently I speak a lot about you... - she looks at me with raised eyebrows. - The issue is that she wants to meet you... she wanted to ask if you'd go out with us sometime, with some of her friends... - Maybe it's better to say everything at once. - We'll go to a club... and I want you there, I'm not very enthusiastic about it... but if you go, it'll be different...What do you say? - I raise my eyebrows in expectation.

\- You're already at that stage? Things are getting pretty serious then... when's she meeting your parents? - She laughs.

\- What? Nooo ... we haven't gotten there... - she laughs at my reaction - I speak about you a lot, Calliope... apparently, I can't help it and she's so damned curious... but I haven't spoken about my parents or anything more personal, it hasn't even crossed my mind. - She laughs again.

\- I don't think it's a good idea... you know I'm not very sociable... I'm not sure how I feel about going to a club.

\- I know I said it was fine if you didn't want to, but... pretty please? - I put a sad face and pouted.

\- Ha... okay... - After a while she finally agreed. - But I'm telling you, it's not good idea. - I grinned and wrapped my arms around her tightly.

\- Thank you! You're the best. - She shakes her head denying the compliment and I know she's only doing this for me. I don't know what good will come from this.

. . .

\- (June 15, 2013) -

POV Callie

I didn't think that getting back to surgery would be so tiring, but it's a fatigue I'm more than willing to suffer for. At least I'm done for today and I'm ready to leave.

I'm waiting for the elevator, but the more you anticipate things, the slower it becomes ... Murphy's Law, right?

I don't know what was thinking when I said I'd go out with Arizona. I've thought about it over and over, and I know it's a bad idea, but I've already agreed. Apparently things are going well for them, I'm her friend so I guess I can do that. Still, I hope the day drags on, I don't even want to think about it.

Dammit! I should have said no.

There it is, finally. The elevator doors are opened.

\- Hey! - I look up to see Arizona.

\- Hey. You headed out now? - I walk in inside.

\- Yeah. What about you? It's Friday... you headed to Joe's? - She seems shy.

\- Nope, I'm tired.

\- Mmmm... What about we go to your apartment and order a pizza? And... I'll give you a massage? - She moves her eyebrows and I laughed – Come on, I'm starving! Please! - She grasps her stomach and makes a grimace.

\- Hmmm, don't you have plans with Melissa tonight? - That came out a little dry, although it wasn't my intention.

\- I want to make plans with you Calliope... we haven't seen much of each other lately... but if you don't want to it's fine. - She looked taken aback and disappointed.

\- Okay, sorry... Come on! - I put face of resignation and defeat - Besides a massage sounds good. – She looked relieved as she smiled.

The elevator doors open and we walked towards the exit. The cold wind of Seattle hit us, when her phone rings. - Sorry, just let me get this. - She stops and I walk away to give her some privacy.

She answers to phone to who I assume is Melissa, but her voice is too low for me to catch the entire conversation... "I've got other plans tonight, sorry, maybe another night." She finishes the call and I turn as I hear her approaching.

\- All good? - I ask.

\- Yep, nothing important. Come on! I'm starving; also I promised a massage to a certain someone who looks exhausted.

I smile, there are some things that just won't change. - Okay, I'm dying for that massage and you for that pizza apparently. - We laugh as my stomach chooses that time to make itself known.

. . .

\- (June 22, 2013) -

This week has been good, I've already found my rhythm in the operating room again and every day I'm feeling better and better. With Arizona, things have remained the same, though sometimes I want to get away from her a little, I find it impossible. She sweeps up at my life, she fills all... and is always around.

I can't believe that the week is over, I've been dreading Saturday's arrival, and here we are. I went home to shower, change my clothes and readying myself for my promise to meet with Arizona and her... girlfriend? I don't know what to call her.

I don't know why it's taken me so much time to decide what to wear. I chose black jeans, but I haven't decided on my top yet; I've tried many over and over. I look in the mirror. I put on a blouse made of a lightweight cloth that falls softly; the neck is small and delicate with buttons that I do halfway. I put on some light makeup and leave my hair loose to fall on my shoulders. I smile.

I avoid very striking necklines, but mine it looks delicate. Maybe I should change it, my chain hangs at my chest inside my blouse and covers it, but I can still see my scar.

I take off blouse and stand in front of the mirror in just my bra to see my full image. There's the scar on my chest and one near my ribs. I trace it gently with my finger, from the beginning until the end. It looks healthy, correctly cicatrized... but they are there. My body is no longer the same as before, I'm thinner and the collarbone is marked... I was so lost in my body and its changes, when the sound of my door startles me, bringing me back; it must be Arizona. Without a second thought, I take the last blouse and quickly put it on. I grab my jacket and bag and I leave the room.

I open the door to see Arizona.

\- Hey! Are you ready? We're a little late and... – She fades off slowly into silence.

Arizona looks gorgeous, although she always does. She's wearing a blue silk blouse that hugs her figure perfectly, jeans tucked into her boots, and her curls are loose and wild. Tonight, she is perfect.

\- Hello! Yes, I'm ready. Let's go. - We made our way to the elevator in silence; walking in and we face each other, leaning against the wall, in total silence. I can feel the eyes of Arizona on me even though I'm looking down.

\- You look very pretty. - Her words come out suddenly, so softly and very slowly; almost inaudibly. I slowly trail my eyes from her feet all over her body, until I reach her eyes. I stare into them and can't bring myself to look away.

\- You look very nice too. - Silence.

. . .

POV Arizona

I've been very nervous, it's almost as if I had a date with Callie.

I stand before her door and yet I'm not able to ring the doorbell. I deeply breathe and finally press the bell. I hear someone coming, on the other side hastily, and open the door.

\- Hey! Are you ready? We are a little late and ... – My words slowly die and I'm not able to finish my thoughts because Callie looks gorgeous, not that she doesn't always look good, but today she looks different. Wow! That blouse, her makeup, and her hair... she seems to shine... that blouse falls so delicately, and very sensually, has a cute neckline that lets the imagination run wild.

\- Hello! Yes, I'm ready. Let's go. - Callie broke my trance with her words. How long did I spend just staring at her?

We left and made our way to the elevator in silence. We stepped inside and we stood facing each other, she is leaning against the wall, looking down, and I'm looking at her.

\- You look very pretty. - My thoughts become audible unintentionally, and my voice stuck in my throat. She raises her gaze and slowly works her way up my body until she reaches my eyes, silently, just staring.

\- You look very nice too. - She whispers back and it's as if her eyes are burning me, gazing deeply, straight into my soul. I keep my eyes locked with hers ... I can't help it.

Silence.

. . .

POV General

Silence.

From one moment to another, the air has become thick and hot. The elevator seems to take longer than usual to arrive. Then, the elevator doors open suddenly, startling them as they both talk at the same time... "We've here".

Without saying words, arms brushing occasionally, and with stolen glances, they walk to Arizona's car, parting ways to reach their respective doors. They go in and nothing but the sound of their seatbelts clicking resounded, as they make their way to their destination.

Neither of them wants to reach their destination, content with just the company of each other's presence. Unknowingly, the same thought is running through their minds, thoughts of each other and the belief that what they are feeling is wrong. Each with their own distinct thoughts and fears, but with a same conclusion, It would be wrong. That they are lost in the comfort and safety of each other; that they have confused their feelings of love and friendship for something else; that they cannot afford to lose each other.

Arizona believes that Callie is not ready; that she still loves her wife. She could never reciprocate and there will only ever be the love of friendship between them. She remembers the moment the elevator and knows that Callie looked at her with a different light for a moment. But it was just that, a natural reaction to someone who is attractive and Arizona knows that she looks good tonight, but there is nothing more to it.

Two different worlds, distant but close, containing a same force. Imperceptible, but powerful at the same time, that runs silently without consent, but wanting to defy the barriers of each to go out weathering and meeting in a single force; one they are not yet able to afford to feel.

None of them believes it is possible to have something more than what they already have. It would unreal, unlikely and they do not want to accept the consequences. They prefer to keep how comfortable and special their friendship is. Safe and risk free.

. . .

They reach their destination silently and Arizona sends a message to find out where Melissa is. Nervously walking to meet Melissa, they find her waiting with a big smile.

\- Hey! - She walks over to Arizona and kisses her gently on the lips, leaving the blonde somewhat stunned. - Girls! This is my girlfriend, Arizona; these are my best friends... Alicia and Emma. - Arizona is frozen at the thought, girlfriend? They never talked about what they were and that caused a pang in her stomach... What would Callie think about it?

Callie regretting her decision to come the moment she saw the kiss and she heard "girlfriend". It was going to be a long night, but she had to put her best smile because it was Arizona, her best and closest friend. Thus everything that had happened recently faded away because the reality was that. Arizona was her friend.

After Melissa's introductions, Arizona gestured to Callie at her side and introduced them, when Melissa gave Callie an enthusiastic hug.

\- I really wanted to meet you. Arizona speaks so highly of you.

\- Nice to meet you. - Her smile was forced.

They sat, and amidst the bustle of the place, began to speak and share. After a while, Callie and Arizona looked at each other in silence, speaking only through their eyes, they were tired of the night already, but no one else seemed to notice.

During the course of night, Arizona hadn't stopped looking at Callie whenever she could and when no one was looking. Callie, meanwhile, was trying not to look at Arizona; she was trying to be in the conversation and strove to be indifferent when she noticed how affectionate and familiar Melissa was with Arizona.

Melissa was delighted with Callie, although in principle was jealous because she was always present among them somehow, but realized they were just friends.

The night went on as Emma and Alice got up to dance, Melissa doing the same with Arizona. The blonde, not quite agreeing, stood up reluctantly and stared at Callie with apologies in her eyes. Callie just smiled by default, all she wanted to do was go home, but she had made a commitment tonight and stood there, completely avoiding the dance floor.

After a while, they both returned, and Arizona could feel that Callie was uncomfortable, but she didn't know what to do.

\- Honey, you should dance with Callie, she looks a little bored. - Arizona was startled, even more when a kiss followed. Arizona wanted a moment alone with Callie and perhaps this was her moment.

\- Come Calliope, it's your turn. I'll teach you to dance. - Arizona gave her a super smile and winked at her, hiding her nervousness behind it.

\- No, it's fine. I'm quite happy here. - Callie replied without much enthusiasm.

\- I'm not asking. - Arizona extended her hand and looked at with her head cocked. – You're not just going to leave me hanging, right? - She looked intently at Callie, defiantly.

\- Really? - Callie looked at her incredulously, and she smiled when she realized she had no say in the matter. - Mmmm, ok. - She resigned.

. . .

They walked deep into the crowds, away from the eyes of others. Arizona walked ahead pulling Callie's hand. Then she stopped, took a deep breath and turned around to face Callie. They looked at each other, saying nothing.

Little by little, music was invading their senses and they slowly began to move to the rhythm, while keeping a small distance between them. Occasionally they shifted a little closer, their hands and arms brushing against another, and even their hips subtly collided sometimes. They looked at each other discreetly, eyes making contact before diverting their gaze quickly and widening the distance again.

It was like a silent game, that they had no control over, but yet couldn't stop playing as they were both secretly enjoying it.

A different air had enveloped them from the moment the night had started. Each one silently fighting to voice what they felt. Looking and smiling, each one trying to conceal their thoughts.

Would it be too much, to get just a _little_ bit closer?

Arizona clenched her jaw to try to stop the sensation she had. She could not stop her gaze from travelling to Callie's lips. She wanted to get close enough to take her lower lip between her teeth and then kiss her gently. She was turned on, like never before. One look, one touch; that was all she needed to want everything with Callie. She was sure about how she felt but she knew it was not right.

Callie was struggling with her own fight against the temptation to get even closer to Arizona. It had been so long since she's felt like this. She wanted to get lost in a kiss, but she was be fighting with her heart again and again because Laura kept crossing her mind. Her head was a mess, she was confused and knew that none of what she felt at that moment could be okay.

The music continued playing in the background, but soon changed to something slower and more sensual. They looked into each other's eyes whilst moving, and gradually everyone began to fae into the background, they were the only one's there and no one else existed. Their thoughts began to move away and questions were faded. Without looking away they began to approach slowly, as if requesting each other's permission.

They moved to the rhythm of music gently, while their bodies slowly made contact. Arizona dared for more and moving one of her hands behind Callie's neck, whilst the other gently ran up and down between her shoulder and arm. At the same time, Callie placed her hands the blonde's hip, her hands wandered towards the waist and at times to back.

Without missing a beat, their hands roamed their bodies almost shyly and without exceeding the limits set in the beginning. Occasionally, one of their hands was taken, interlacing their fingers and then untangled... their palms colliding and pressed strongly. Their own dance that they craved to replicate with their bodies but that relayed through that game.

Unwittingly, their foreheads were resting against each other, eyes closed, bodies pressed against each other, lips half open and their minds dodging imaginary walls in an attempt to not succumb to the desire to get lost in a kiss.

Heavy breathes.

Heat, tension, excitement, desire; they felt everything.

They wanted to feel more, but the spell had to be broken... even if they didn't know how.

Callie was the first to say something, leaning into the ear of her companion, closer than necessary.

\- Arizona... - her voice came out in a whisper, low, hoarse and hot. Arizona felt her breath and she shivered. She instinctively moved against the brunette's pelvis. Callie wasn't indifferent and she tugged the blonde's hips toward her tightly.

\- Calliope... - her voice was needy, a moan, a plaintive whisper... all she wanted, at that moment, was Callie.

Silence took over; they weren't able to articulate words. They hid their faces close to each other's necks, brushing their cheeks. They were afraid to risk a look, it would mean breaking the moment they were not yet ready to end. But they had to do the right thing and had take control of themselves again.

Everything was so intoxicating between them tonight, but knew they were dancing very close to the line that separated their friendship.

In a tacit agreement and silent, suddenly they stopped. Slowly and painfully they separated. Neither said anything. It took a few moments before they could look at each other again and they knew it was all over.

Acting as if it never happened, they smiled at softly and made their way back to the table. Wrapped in a tortuous silence, their hands touched and continued to short circuits their minds, sidelong glances that hid the spark that desperately wanted to switch on. Then reality hit them.

Upon arrival, Callie saw how affectionately Melissa greeted Arizona and everything blew up to her face. That was the reality and she instinctively grabbed her necklace. A habit she had when something surprised her, confused her, or saddened her. Holding on to the familiar, to the memory of the person made her safe. That helped her.

Arizona was in the same state. When Melissa greeted her with a kiss and placed her hand into her thigh, she remembered that was in a relationship with someone else. And seeing Callie grab her necklace, she knew she could never compete with Laura and above all Callie had never let her go.

The spell was over.

Could they get back to normal after that?

Would it be difficult get back to work or to the ease of their friendship?

Would they talk about what happened or were they to continue as if nothing had ever happened?


	9. Chapter 9

.

\- (June 24, 2013) -

\- Hey! - Arizona says, startling Callie who was lost in her thoughts whilst waiting for her coffee.

\- Hi. - Callie replied shyly.

They looked at each other with a gentle smile, but uncertainty enveloped them. It was the first time they'd seen each other after the night at the club, something that had been present in their minds constantly. Both women had thought about what it would be like when they saw each other again, thought about how they should act or what to say; but being there, face to face, they had no idea what to say.

They couldn't stop thinking about what happened that night, and how it could impact their friendship, but the answers were uncertain. They should talk about it and get rid of any lingering awkwardness. Their friendship was the most important thing, the only thing that mattered, and they needed to protect it at any cost.

\- Everything okay? - Arizona implicitly asked about how they were after what happened. She wanted to keep things simple, comfortable, and above all she didn't want to scare Callie away.

\- Yeah, everything's good. - Callie looks away knowing the question hidden away without having to speak it aloud. - Coffee? - Callie looks at Arizona, hoping she understands her need for things to continue as usual.

\- Yes, always. - Arizona smiles with more confidence; showing that she understands, that there won't be any problems, and Callie appreciates it.

They smile at each other shyly, and gradually the atmosphere feels more relaxed. They know that it'll take some time, but they'll be okay, and that's all that matters. They have made a silent agreement, and decide not to talk about what happened.

What they don't know is that, sometimes, although avoiding certain things seems the easiest way to continue, sooner or later, the truth and its force reaches us.

. . .

\- (July 1, 2013) -

It took a while for Callie to find her rhythm at work, but finally her skills and talent found their way back. She was able to do what she loved again; it filled her with satisfaction and she felt good, better than she had in a long time.

Callie smiled, a simple act that was lost to her misery and suffering, now appearing again and again with a lot more ease. She was able to look around, see what she had and enjoy the things life had to offer again; because despite all that she'd lost, she knew still she had lot too.

There isn't a day that Callie doesn't think of Laura and Emily, however she learned to "live" with it, and after a year, she finally found a certain balance. Callie knew that there were two people who had been fundamental to helping her achieve this balance, Mark and Arizona.

Mark, he had been her best friend for longer than she could remember, they had each other's backs, and she was grateful for that. But Arizona was someone she didn't see coming, someone she didn't expect, she came into her life when it was an absolute chaos, and crawled her way into her heart without Callie ever realising.

Arizona made her smile despite everything. She stormed in with her inexhaustible freshness, when her sole purpose it was to re-establish her professional career as a successful surgeon. That woman made her see beyond her problems, her enthusiasm, and optimism constantly jostled her. Arizona also had her own problems, and difficulties, but as she always said, she was a good man in the storm, and this encouraged every day to Callie.

The presence and the friendship of Arizona had been a gift to Callie's life, so she wanted to protect it. Callie believed that for that to happen, there were boundaries and lines to be set, the same lines that they almost crossed almost a week ago.

Callie is aware of how she reacted that day. She recognizes the beauty and physical attractiveness of Arizona, and that night she wasn't indifferent; she craved Arizona intensely. But Callie attributes it as only a physical attraction, and can't afford go back there. Their friendship is more important than any momentary outburst that could damage their relationship. Besides, Callie is far from being ready to be with someone again, even if her body is starting to crave it.

. . .

Arizona knows that her heart doesn't race, nor are there any sparks, when she is with Melissa. Nevertheless she has gotten used to it.

She'd recognized her feelings for Callie long ago, but she kept everything hidden deep inside her heart, and she gave someone else a chance, convinced that it was the best for the sake of their friendship.

It worked most of the time, but there were times when those feelings would surface with twice the force.

When that happened, it was as if her world destabilized, and all her attempts to repress what she felt fell apart, leaving her completed bare and exposed, exposed to a reality where her feelings are growing every day, even though she cannot act on those feelings without losing Callie in the process.

No matter how hard she tried to forget and ignore it, Arizona vividly remembers that night at the club. She knows that Callie had the same intense desire for something more than just a dance; she could see it in her eyes, and in every movement. But she was convinced it was just a moment of vulnerability that Callie had just gotten lost in the moment, that it was just a physical reaction.

When they met again after what happened, Arizona understood that Callie was conflicted, and she felt the silent plea to ignore the issue, to move on and avoid. Arizona accepted it without question, accepted that it was nothing more than 'just a moment'.

Things settled quickly, and the awkwardness faded, but something had changed between them since that night without their knowledge... something that would affect them more than they could ever expect.

. . .

\- (July 19, 2013) -

No matter how lengthy or exhausting the day is, no matter how much caffeine is needed to remain standing, there is always something that brings joy to working.

Becoming a part of the Hospital again is a wonderful feeling. Everything began to slip back into its place, and she is happy to have reconnected with her staff and friends. For some time, she has enjoyed the freshness of their conversations, the impertinence of the jokes, shared breaks, lunches in the cafeteria, and their outings to Joe's.

 _Their conversations are always full of memories, and anecdotes, there is always laughter and shared jokes, inside jokes that she had to explain to Arizona._

 _Night at Joe's, laughter and memories. - Calliope... - She squints, as soon as the two women had a moment alone, Arizona had to ask. - You and Mark? - She asks incredulously. - He saw you naked? - Arizona only realizes her comment at the end, but continues as if nothing. - I'm your friend, and knew nothing about it... you and Mark? - She makes a face of disgust._

 _Callie laughs at her friend's reaction. - It was long ago, I met him when I was a resident, we hit it off, we went to bed, and then we became great friends. We had sex when we weren't involved with someone else, it was a kind therapeutic, especially during our bad days, it was good, comfortable, and without implications... but then Laura came into my life... and since then, Mark and I have never connected that way again. - She spoke about it without problems, everyone had a story._

Callie was never shy when talking about her past to Arizona, and that was something reciprocal. If there were things which hadn't been shared, it was simply because they hadn't been given the chance to talk about it, and when it happened wasn't a problem. Of course, there were still sensitive topics for Callie, but even then, she was gradually opening up to the other woman.

. . .

\- (July 24, 2013) -

For various reasons, Arizona likes it when the job requires her complete and utter attention and devotion. It being her profession and passion are most important in the list, but lately, there have been other reasons for her to devote all of her time to her cases.

Having less time to spend with Melissa, is one of the benefits, but it also keeps her mind too busy to think of anything else.

. . .

Lately, she's been struggling to not think about Callie, and with their incredible dynamic at work together and what she's been repressing, she feels like she will reach her limit soon and everything will explode.

It's almost midnight, and Arizona decided not to go home. She had fallen into the first empty on-call room, her mind was plagued by fatigue, and her body it felt overcome by exhaustion after a long surgery, but none of that seemed to matter... because in the end, Callie would always appear in her mind.

Arizona repeats Callie's name in her mind like a mantra, and a smile immediately appears on her face, as her eyes close, she sighs as memories run through her mind like always.

 _\- Oh! Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, keep sleeping. - Arizona speaks to the person lying on bed._

 _\- No, I wasn't sleeping. Only resting for a moment, I should be heading out soon. How about you? - Callie gets up, and she sits on the edge of the bed._

 _\- Emergency surgery... I don't know how many hours I've been standing, I'm really exhausted, I don't think I'm going to make it home, and I start my shift early tomorrow morning. - Arizona sits next to Callie, and places her head on Callie's shoulder._

 _\- You look really exhausted. - Callie moves, and Arizona straightens up as Callie gets up. - Come on, get up!_

 _\- Why? - Arizona moans pitifully, pouting at the loss of her personal pillow, and Callie extends her hands to her._

 _\- I live across of the street. I can offer you a decent bed, a wonderful shower, and a delicious breakfast in the morning. - Callie winks._

 _\- It's a tempting offer, but don't worry about it, I'll be fine._

 _\- Oh, come on! I know you're dying to accept. – It's true, Arizona can't resist. She takes Callie hands resignedly, and she pulls Arizona dramatically exaggerating the effort causing both women to laugh._

 _. . ._

 _Arriving at apartment, Arizona leaves her stuff on the couch, wordlessly follows Callie to the bedroom, and immediately collapses on the bed._

 _\- Take this. - Callie looks at Arizona, and throws a shirt over her head._

 _\- I don't think... - Arizona's voice is laced is exhaustion, she intends to take the shirt from her face, but her hand refuses to co-operate. Callie approaches._

 _\- Come on, change first, and then sleep._

 _\- Mmhmm. - Is all the blonde manages to say._

 _\- Arizona... – She's dead to the world, and Callie gives up._

. . .

 _Arizona moves in bed, and her eyes opens, looking around, she tries to remember where she is. Her phone tells her it's 6 am, she looks towards the door and sees a faint light coming from the corridor. Arizona gets up, and walks to the kitchen. Callie is already dressed, with a towel wrapped around her hair, preparing breakfast._

 _\- Hey! - Callie looks back, and she sees the sleepy blonde. - How did you sleep?_

 _\- Super! Thanks, sorry for stealing your bed._

 _\- No problem, you fell unconscious, and it was impossible move you. - Callie smiles and goes back to what she was doing. - Why don't you take a shower? Breakfast it's almost ready._

 _\- Wow! Do all the women you bring home get the same service? - She regrets her words the moment they leave her mouth. Callie looks at her again._

 _\- The last woman who was here became my wife. - She says melancholically with a shy smile. - I haven't brought anybody out here since she died... but my friends are always welcome here._

 _\- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable._

 _\- It's okay, I don't mind, I can talk about it. - She quietly returns to the preparation of breakfast._

 _\- Can I ask you something?_

 _\- Of course, what's up? - Arizona sits at the counter and falls silent for a moment wondering if she should ask what she wants._

 _\- Do you think, that someday, you'll be able love someone else again? - Callie doesn't respond immediately, but after a few seconds Callie turns and looks at Arizona._

 _\- I don't know. - Silence. - She was my wife, and I still feel that that I belong to her. It's difficult to move from the person you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with, the person you'd watch your children grow old with… - Callie gives her a sad, nostalgic smile._

 _\- Sorry, I don't want to meddle... but hopefully you'll give your heart another chance someday. Laura will always be part of your life, but that doesn't mean you can't move on. I think she would have wanted you to be happy... and not stuck in the past. - Arizona doesn't know where it came, but she needed say it. Callie smiles and returns to what she was doing._

 _\- Why don't you take a shower? Breakfast is almost ready. - Callie changes the subject, and Arizona respects the need for a lighter topic._

 _\- Of course, I won't be long._

The relationship between Arizona and Callie is deep, based on respect and understanding. They can talk about everything, but they know when not to push. They are becoming an important part of each other's life, and their relationship grows stronger every day, the more they talk, the more they share, the more they bond.

It is Arizona's most priceless and treasured gift to be a part of Callie's progress, to see the road she has travelled, and she is forever grateful to have Callie in her life.

Arizona is not able to stop her thoughts from wandering to Callie, and she can't help but notice that Callie looks more and more beautiful everyday, as she finds herself and becomes the confident, strong person she once was, her natural beauty shines brighter and brighter.

. . .

\- (July 29, 2013) -

Nothing can be hidden forever, because the force of the truth will always reaches us. Then, we must accept it, sometimes without even being aware of it, because it is inevitable.

Time advanced irretrievably for Callie and Arizona, and along with the time elapsed, the inevitable caught up to them. After repressing the attraction between them, they ended up accepting it without questions. As always nothing was said, perhaps they were avoiding the issue or maybe they were just letting it all progress naturally.

Arizona knew what she felt, and she knew it was more than a simple physical attraction. But for Callie, it was much more difficult to accept it, and even more difficult take charge of it, but finally, she had no choice but to accept it.

They had their unspoken boundaries set. Their jokes, flirtation, touches, glances... were all within the boundaries, or at least skirting the borders of the lines.

Arizona had more than she could have asked for, and didn't want to ruin it, so she moved within the limits because she knew it was important to Callie.

Both had assumed their attraction, because the tension that was generated between them was impossible to repress. So they decided to control it the only way they could, and they decided to be open in it.

Why hide something natural? They were friends, and it was possible to be attracted to your friends without having to act on it.

It became normal to say things to provoke a reaction from the other, to flirt, to have conversations laved with innuendos... they felt more comfortable and freer.

. . .

Callie was at the nurse's station, trying to finish her notes from the last surgery she'd just completed, whilst talking and joking with a nurse.

\- Hey! What are you up to? - The blonde leans out by shoulder Callie asks peering over Callie's shoulder.

\- Not much. - She looked questioningly at face pressed up against her shoulder. – I'm just trying to finish up my notes.

\- Mmm... You seem distracted... - Arizona moves to one side, leaning her elbow against desk and resting her head in her hand, as she looks at Callie curiously.

\- I don't know what you're talking about? - Callie smiles at her friend's playful inquisition. Arizona is straightened up from her position, looking at the nurse, and before she says anything else, the nurse departs with a smile. Callie says goodbye and immediately turns her attention back to Arizona

\- Should I be jealous? - Arizona teases playfully.

Callie can't contain her laugh. - What?

\- Oh! Come on... I saw how you looked at that nurse. - Arizona nudges her.

\- That's crazy, Arizona, there was none of that. I was just laughing at something she said. - Callie frowns, and shakes her head still smiling.

\- Mmmm... That's not what I saw. - Arizona insists.

\- And why you should get jealous? Who said anything about us being exclusive? - Callie raises an eyebrow victoriously.

\- Mmmm... That's true - Arizona sighs with dramatic defeat and pouted. - Ours is only a dirty, hidden, secret affair, nothing else... sorry, sometimes I forget... - Both laugh. - But if you want we _could_ be exclusive... you know... just say the word... - She winks with an impish grin.

\- Arizona... - Callie says her name slowly with a scolding tone. - Are you _bored_?

\- Nope... it was fun to see your face. - She bites her lip containing the smile. - But don't worry, I'll leave you alone now, I gotta go... see you later Calliope.

. . .

\- (July 31, 2013) -

\- Are you going? - Callie asked while walking.

\- Haven't you heard? We don't have a choice. - Arizona replies.

The hospital was planning to hold a fundraising party for a non-profit foundation dedicated to medical research that the hospital had been supporting for a number of years and they'd specified that it was mandatory for all the department heads to attend.

\- If I could skip the evening, I would be happy.

\- Did you hear, it's a gala?

\- Yes, and that's the worst part. I don't know when the last time I got dressed for something like that was... I'm not sure if I even have anything appropriate to wear... but I'm hoping that something will happen, maybe I'll get paged? - Callie puts hopeful face.

\- Well, it can't be that bad, come on, cheer up... I guess I have something in my closet that will be fine.

\- I'm sure you'll look wonderful no matter what you wear. You've got nothing to worry about, you're beautiful, and anything you choose will be perfect - Callie says without fear of the implications behind her statement.

\- Yes, that's true. - Arizona puts a smug smile. - I'm absolutely awesome, I will be the star of the evening, and all eyes will only be on me. - She winks at Callie.

\- Your modesty amazes me. - She smiles. – But everyone's eyes will definitely be on _me_. I bet you're not leaving my side all night long, because with only person you'll be completely comfortable with is me. - Callie returns the wink.

\- You're very sure of yourself, Calliope. We'll see.

\- What? Don't you believe me? Let's make a bet, and if you lose, you'll have to do something for me.

\- Mmmm, I'll think about, but believe it or not... you are _not_ the centre of my universe, Doctor Torres. - They both smile, and continue on their way.

. . .

\- (August 5, 2013) -

Emergencies in a hospital such as Seattle Grace are fairly common, normal even, and to be paged in at the crack of dawn isn't unusual. Today, for Arizona it was one of those days, she was called at 03:30 am, and she had to run.

William, one of her most beloved patients, had been rushed into emergency surgery because of a complication. Arizona had treated him since her arrival at Seattle Grace, and he had a special place in her heart. He had fought many battles, and had always come out victorious despite his condition.

\- Time of death, 4:48 a.m. - Today he had undergone surgery again, but this time she couldn't do anything for him, and Arizona was devastated.

She left the OR, and entered the scrubbing station just outside. She leaned against her hands on the sink holding back tears, watching through the window as her nurses covered his tiny body with a sheet. She had done everything she could to save him, it wasn't her fault, at least that was what she told herself. After a moment, she pulled her cap angrily and scrubbed her face with the ice-cold water. She had to meet the parents and tell them that their son had died, one of the worst tasks of her job.

Once she broke the news to parents, she went straight to her office. She dropped onto her couch, leaned her head against the back, and finally let the tears begin to fall. It wasn't the first time she'd ever lost a patient, but William was one of those special kids.

She didn't want to stay there, she needed to get out, and clear her mind. She didn't like being buried by this sadness.

. . .

When she was out, the cold air and the light drizzle poured over her. She stood there aimlessly, she should probably start to walk, maybe she should go home, perhaps a bar... there were endless possibilities, but she didn't know where to start.

She felt exhausted and overwhelmed, she didn't know what she needed. Arizona thought about Melissa, but they had not seen each other in days, she sighed and looked forward, knowing where her heart really wanted her to be right now.

Arizona look at the time, 5.20 am. She took a deep breath, and walked towards the nearby building. It was late, and perhaps she shouldn't be coming at this time, she knew it wasn't wise... but her legs began to move nonetheless.

Once in front of the door, she knocked softly, nobody answered. She tried a second, and then a third time, and when she began to leave... the door opened.

\- Arizona? - Callie was clearly still half asleep, but really surprised. - What are you doing here? Are you okay? - She was worried and Arizona's guilt increased. - It's late... - Arizona turned to the voice, and dipped her head.

\- I know, sorry... I shouldn't... - She pauses and clenches her jaw, and without raising head speaks again. - I'll go, I shouldn't have bothered you at this hour... - Arizona started to leave, but Callie stopped her.

\- Hey... - Callie speaks softly while taking hold of her hand. - Look at me...- Arizona felt weak and powerless, she wasn't able to move, so Callie slowly brought her hand to her chin and lifted her head. Then as if Callie could read her eyes, she hugged her tightly. Arizona clung to Callie, as if she was her lifeline, the only thing keeping her afloat, and they just stayed there for a moment holding tightly onto each other. – Come on, let's get inside.

. . .

They went straight to the bedroom, and once there, Callie helped to Arizona to sit on the bed, and squatted in front of her. - What are you doing? - The blonde asked when she felt Callie take one of her foot.

\- I'm taking off your boots and you're going to lie down. - Callie looked at her tenderly, and Arizona said nothing more, she no longer had the strength. Callie took off her boots, and jacket, and helped her to get into bed.

\- Let's get comfortable. You need to rest. - Arizona lay down sideways, and Callie covered her with the blanket.

\- Don't go... I don't want to be alone, please, stay with me. - Callie smiled, and nodded.

\- I'm not going anywhere. - She settled behind Arizona, and held her tightly. Arizona wrapped her arms around Callie's and finally relaxed.

\- Thank you.

\- You don't have to thank me, I'm here for you, whatever you need... - Silence - You want to tell me what happened?

\- William... he was bad, I was paged in, he was rushed to the OR, and... - It's all she could say, but Callie understood.

\- You did everything you could for him. This isn't your fault. - Callie kissed her head. - Now try to rest. Okay? - Arizona nodded.

. . .

\- (August 6, 2013) -

The daylight is seeped through the windows and bounced off the bed where both women were asleep. Arizona moved and realized there was a hand resting on her hip, she knew instantly where she was and who the hand belonged to.

She took a deep breath, and remembered the reason she was there. For a moment, she felt guilty; she had her own apartment, and a girlfriend who should've been the one to comfort her. But Arizona knew no matter how much she tried to force it, to pretend, Melissa could never be that person for her, because her support was behind her, holding her. No more regrets, Arizona thought, she would simply enjoy it the moment, because Callie made her feel good, and it felt so right.

Callie moved behind her, and peered over Arizona's shoulder to see her better. - Are you feeling better now? - Callie said softly, tightening her hold and Arizona barely supressed a whimper feeling Callie's body against hers.

\- Yeah, I'm... thanks. - Arizona took the hand resting on her hip, and brought it around her waist to hold onto her arm.

Everything felt good between them, and they didn't need words to know what the other needs.

\- Do you have to go in today? - Arizona broke the silence.

\- Yes, but later. You?

\- The same.

Silence.

\- You want breakfast?

\- Mmmm, yes... but don't get up yet... I'm comfortable...

. . .

They allowed themselves to enjoy the closeness and comfort for a little longer before Callie spoke. – I'm gonna head in the shower, you should come too. - She didn't realize the opening she'd just given Arizona, she just watched as the blonde turned around, rising onto her elbow, and smiled as she leaned her head on her hand. - What? - Callie asked as she got up from the bed.

\- You wanna save water? Because you just invited me into the shower with you... - Callie just realized what she said and laughed.

\- Arizona, where is your head? I meant _me_ in _my_ shower and _you_... in _the other_ bathroom. - She emphasized her last words.

\- Aaaahh... How was I supposed to know? - Arizona always enjoyed these moments, the friendly banter with Callie that bordered on casual flirting. - You should explain better, imagine if I'd just walked in and interrupted your shower because I thought I'd been invited... - She laughs.

\- Arizona, Arizona... I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut... - Callie took a pillow, and threw it over her head. - Don't you dare start... and go take a shower... In the other bathroom! - She added whilst pointing towards the guest bathroom. Callie closes the door, leaving behind the giggling blonde on her bed.

Arizona pressed the pillow against her face. - Aaaahh! - The blonde drowned out the sound against the pillow, all she wanted was to get up and join her friend behind the door.

How had Callie managed to change her overnight? Only last night was she completely overwhelmed and broken. And now? She was calm, laughing, engaging Callie in a friendly banter and thinking inappropriate thoughts about joining Callie in the shower.

She pressed harder the pillow on her face and got up from the bed quickly. She had get those thoughts out of her mind, best take a shower immediately, a cold shower.

. . .


	10. Chapter 10

Thank you all for reading, for each reviews, follows, favs and pm.

Shinata-Riyoko, thank you very much!

Read the chapter 9 first, I've uploaded two.

* * *

\- (August 16, 2013) -

The week had been stressful for Callie, and she hadn't had time for anything. She had seen very little of Arizona and really missed her, but work was calling, so there wasn't much that could be done.

Callie was in her office completing the accumulated paperwork, but she just wanted to go home, shower, and sleep. That was all she thought about, but knew it wasn't going to happen anytime soon. Tonight, she had to attend the party, and she was _not_ enthusiastic about it.

She hadn't thought about it, and didn't even know what to wear. She had a couple of dresses, but wasn't sure if it would be suitable. A deep sigh came out of her, the weariness reflected in her face. The dresses left her mind, and she focused all of her attention back on everything she had on her desk.

. . .

Hey! - A voice startled Callie, and she looks up from her desk to see a head peeking through the door. – Can I come in? - Arizona stayed, waiting for answer.

\- Hi, of course, come in... How are you?

\- Good. Better than you are, evidently. - Arizona points to the desk, and Callie groans.

\- Yeah, this week has been really stressful, I feel like I haven't seen you in…forever.

\- Yep. How long are you staying?

\- I've just got to finish up here and I'm leaving. You headed out? - Callie leaned back in her chair.

\- Yep. - Silence - See you later tonight? - Arizona sees Callie reaction and smiles. - Calliope you've gotta admit defeat on this, there's nothing you can do to not go. - Callie laughs, Arizona knew her. - So, finish quickly, then get up from your chair, go home, choose a nice dress, and we can catch up when we're there. - Arizona smiles gently, and Callie nods.

\- Yeah, all right, see you later.

\- Yep, see you there. - Callie stared out to Arizona, and when the door closed, she smiled to herself. How was it that she knew her so well? She was right; she should accept defeat.

. . .

Night had come and the doors were open to welcome the guests into the spacious lounges. People scattered around, talking, and drinking, all dressed in their best suits and dresses.

Tonight, Arizona looked resplendent. She wore a long gown, Greek style, a chiffon v-neckline, cap sleeve, pleated skirt and ribbon waist with ornaments, lace detailing on the back and sleeves. Hair up, and minimal makeup, she looked sophisticated and delicate.

Arizona was with Owen, and Derek, in quite a nice conversation, but she couldn't stop her gaze from exploring the place in search of Callie.

She laughed to herself remembering what Callie had said: "I bet you're not leaving my side all night long, because the only person you'll be completely comfortable with is me". It was true, it wasn't that she didn't get along with her colleagues, but Calliope was something else. She was hoping she'd turn up soon; the wait was killing her.

Arizona was between her thoughts, conversations with other doctors, and her persistent search for Callie. Minutes went by, there was a presentation on stage, then some random performances, the music filled the air again, and everyone seemed to be enjoying the evening, but there still wasn't any sign of Callie.

Arizona was about to give up hope of ever seeing her, when finally she spotted her across the room; Callie was locked in a conversation with a woman, before finally making her way through the wide doors.

. . .

Callie sighed as she made her way through the room, knowing she had arrived quite late. She was tired, however she had a duty to fulfil. She could go home for a deserved rest after, but the hustle and bustle around her was not helping with her enthusiasm.

She watched the place in search of Arizona, and while she moved around the room a woman stopped her. The woman was a fellow Orthopaedic surgeon who admired her work, and tried to engage her in a conversation that Callie just wasn't interested in.

\- You're one of most recognized Orthopaedic surgeons in the region... I was wondering what has happened you? It's like you just disappeared off the map, and no one has heard from you in such a long time. What happened?

This was the reason that Callie didn't want to go; she knew there would be many questions about her absence. Before Laura's death, she had participated in many conferences, she was constantly collaborating with other doctors and hospitals, she was recognized for her research, and innovative work, so it wasn't surprising that people would have questions about her sudden disappearance.

Callie didn't know how to answer; she barely spoke about her personal life with her friends, let alone a stranger. She looked towards the side of the hall and saw a door that seemed to lead directly outside, and she wanted nothing more than to end this conversation as soon as possible and go in that direction. - Yes, I was away for personal reasons, but I've been back for a while now- She said vaguely, and after an awkward moment of silence, she decided to excuse herself. - I'm sorry... but I think I'm needed elsewhere, it was nice meeting you. - Callie smiled politely and walked away.

. . .

Callie made her way towards the door, hoping for a break from the noise inside. Really she expected to find less noise, and fewer people. It'd been a while since she'd attended an event such as this and she felt somewhat uncomfortable.

When she went through the doors, she found herself facing an extensive garden. She thanked what she found, a place both beautiful and quiet. She studied the wide stairs leading down to the garden, and the balconies with railings, bordering part of the construction, just off to the side. She made her way down, and lost herself to the peacefulness.

The view was beautiful; everything was lit by dim lights, the grass green and well trimmed; lushous trees, and cobblestone roads. She admired the whole picture, and she raised her eyes to the sky, it looked like another place, nothing like the crowd inside the building. Callie took a deep breath and she relaxed, she felt comfortable here.

. . .

Arizona waited a moment before excusing herself. She went out through the same doors, and she looked around before her eyes landed on her target. Callie was leaning against one of the balconies with her hands on the railing, lost in thought. She observed from a distance for a moment.

Callie always looked beautiful, but tonight, she shone. She wore a simple black dress with an asymmetrical neckline, one-shoulder bare, with a thin belt around her waist; the dress fit her perfectly like a glove. Her straight hair fell forward.

Was it the dress, her perfectly styled hair or her silent demeanour?

Arizona didn't know, but she was enchanted.

She moved slowly, and quietly, so Callie did not noticed her presence until she spoke. - What are you doing here? - Arizona says softly, and Callie turned, their eyes meeting.

\- I'm just enjoying the peacefulness out here. - Callie smiled, and turned her eyes forward. Arizona stepped up beside her in the same position, and their arms brushed lightly. - I didn't see you when I walked in. - Callie answered without looking away from the gardens. - Did you come alone?

\- Yes. – Arizona replies simply. – Are you okay?

\- Yeah, everything's fine. I just needed to escape the noise. I'm really exhausted and I was pulled into a very dull conversation. - Silence - But I think I feel better now... - Both smiled.

. . .

The night was perfect, the moon bright, the skies clear, and a gentle breeze fluttered. The silence was welcomed, and the women enjoyed the closeness and the presence of the other, occasionally sharing shy smiles, but they didn't need much more to feel good.

\- You were right.

\- About? - Callie looked her.

\- When you said that the only person that would make me feel completely comfortable here was you... I think you won. - She glances towards Callie with a shy smile, seeing the same smile reflected on Callie's face before looking away again.

\- So what's my prize? - Arizona laughs heartily. - What? You owe me something. So you better start thinking about what I deserve. - Callie laughs.

Both remain facing forward for a moment.

\- You know what? - Arizona speaks without looking away from the gardens. – I really enjoying being with you, even if we're just standing here in silence, you make me comfortable, like it's just so easy to relax when I'm with you.

\- I feel the same way. - Callie smiles again.

. . .

They stand there in a comfortable silence, unconcerned with the passing minutes, just revelling in each other's presence. Both women subconsciously replaying all of their significant memories, the growth of friendship, all of their shared moments, and their fearless flirtations... everything is always there.

Arizona occasionally glances at Callie. She studies her profile, and quickly looking away to avoid being discovered. She takes a deep breath, everything feels right with Callie, sometimes she feels like a teenager who's just dived head first into new experiences, and doesn't know how to handle it.

Callie can feel Arizona's gaze, but doesn't react. She instead thinks of how beautiful Arizona looks tonight. Her hair pulled back making her look radiant, and how perfect and delicate she looks in that dress.

They play a silent game of cat and mouse, stealing glances at each other, and although both are aware of each other's gaze, they say nothing. The tension and attraction is more present than ever tonight, and feels like it's going to overflow at any time.

Arizona looks at Callie again, running her eyes from the top of her head down to her eyes, the delicate slope of her nose, her full lips, the graceful curve of her slender neck... and returns to her lips.

She takes a deep breath... those lips...

How would it feel taste those lips? She thinks to herself.

For a long time she has asked to herself how it would feel to kiss Callie. She was wondered, if Callie mere presence could make her world spin, how would it feel to finally kiss her?

She knew that it would probably change everything, and maybe it was wishful thinking, nobody assured her that would be fine, maybe it was something platonic, something that was in her mind, but... She smiled to herself, she knew that a kiss would most likely change her world, and would most likely ruin her for anyone else. Arizona turned her eyes forward, and shook her head as she smiled. Callie wasn't indifferent to her movements, and looked curiously at her.

\- What's going on in that head of yours? - Arizona froze, startled as if her inner thoughts had been discovered. Callie smiled at her reaction.

\- What? Oh! Nothing, just thinking… - Silence.

\- Care to share? It must be good thoughts judging by your smile. - Callie squinted her eyes as if trying to read Arizona's mind.

Arizona thought to herself, do I tell her? Should I lie? No, definitely no lying, it was Callie, that wasn't an option. They were allowed to flirt, and talk openly, but thinking about kissing her was probably crossing their boundaries.

\- I was just wandering what it'd be like to kiss you. - Arizona blushed immediately, she felt a little embarrassed and nervous, maybe she shouldn't have been so direct.

Callie laughed out loud and looked at her, cocking her head. - What? - She wondered if she'd had heard right.

The blonde was panicking internally and berating herself mentally, she hadn't meant to say that out loud. What was going on? Maybe it would have been better just to out right lie about it? - I'm sorry... that's not... that's not what I was going to say... I shouldn't have... no... - She had no idea how she was going to save herself or backtrack.

Arizona knew she was rambling, but she was nervous, and she eventually fell silent. She took a deep breath and calmed down. She could make a couple coherent sentences she told herself. How hard could it be?

\- Dammit! I can't lie, like, that was seriously bad, I'm sorry. - She rolled her eyes and made a gesture with her hands. – I didn't mean to say that out loud, but there it is. - She pouted defiantly with a huff. Her mind was definitely not working properly.

Callie found her friend's rambling adorable, and was definitely not upset by her honesty. In fact, she often asked herself the same question, but of course she wasn't going say that.

She didn't want that Arizona feel uncomfortable, so she relaxed. – Hey, it's okay, I know I'm irresistible. - Callie winked and laughed.

\- Hey! - Arizona playfully punched her arm. – That's not helping! - She laughed shyly, and turned completely towards Callie to look at her. - But it's true what I said ... - She falls silent, studying her hands nervously in anticipation of Callie's reaction.

Callie turns to face Arizona, patiently waiting for blonde to continue. Arizona plays restlessly with her hands for a while longer, buying herself some time. She finally manages to draw some strength from somewhere, and raises her eyes to meet Callie's before continuing.

\- I've wondered, a lot, how it would feel to kiss you. - Her voice was becoming small. - I'd kinda like to try it…. just once at least. - She looked down again.

Callie smiles. - Arizona... that's not... - The blonde interrupted.

\- I know, I know... you don't have to say it, I'm sorry... I know I shouldn't have said anything... but... - Callie gives her smile waiting for her to explain. - It's just... when we're together... it feels really good... and, I've thought about it so many times, when we are so... if, maybe you'd want me to... - silence. – You've never thought about it?

\- Maybe... - the brunette smiles and looks away, knowing she wouldn't be able to continue with Arizona's eyes on her. - But that's all it should be... thoughts that are left alone in our heads, its for the best, you and I both know that.

\- Yeah, I know... but that doesn't stop me from wanting it... - Arizona gives a shy smile Callie.

They are very close and Arizona contemplated, for a minute, the possibility of just doing it, but stops. She couldn't do that to Callie, besides she has a girlfriend and although she couldn't compare to how she felt when she was with Callie, she had to respect her.

Tonight, Arizona wasn't sure what was happening with her. She didn't know if it was the moon, or maybe it was the serene atmosphere, or maybe it was all that champagne, but her mind was feeling a lot more courageous and daring and acting than usual. She'd lost her filter and was just saying whatever came to her mind. Or maybe, it's simply the effect of Calliope.

Their eyes connected, and the same thought runs through both of their minds... they want that kiss, that one single kiss.

The message was clear in their eyes, however there was fear too; they didn't want to hurt anyone. There was a silent conversation amongst them, the pros and cons were being weighed... it was _just_ a kiss.

\- It's just a kiss... - Arizona whispers. - Only one, and we'll remove this tension surrounding us. - Her voice is low, and she smiles softly, nervously, anxiously. – We're not hurting anyone... well maybe, but... it's just... - Arizona cautiously steps closer, but Callie doesn't reject her advance. - It just feels right when we're together...

...

Arizona raises her hand slowly to Callie's face, waiting for any sign that her advance is unwanted, and when she find none, her fingers run along her jawline gently, and Callie closes her eyes at the touch. Arizona cups her face with her hand leaving her thumb to smooth over the skin at the corner of her mouth. Callie opens her eyes to meet the deep blue staring back at her lovingly.

Time stops and, little by little, the distance between them closes... slowly.

Their noses rub together, their lips dance near...

A touch, nothing more, barely a whisper and they separate... looking at each other warily.

. . .

Callie weighs what is happening, she wants to let go, but... and there are so many buts ... she doesn't want to hurt anyone... but... her eyes are intoxicating and she's powerless against Arizona.

All of Callie's thoughts begin to disappear and fade away when she feels Arizona's lips against hers.

A touch. A caress. Nothing more than a fleeting taste.

Arizona pauses, looking at Callie, and resumes her movements with small touches, small kisses, and Callie reciprocates.

Their lips move together, catching and chasing each other's gently.

Then they kiss for the first time.

Slowly, gently, unhurried and perfectly in sync.

Their lips interact freely, getting to know each other, they caress, they taste... at times they stop to savour the feeling... their mouths open slightly, breathing in the same air, before their lips join again.

Everything seems unreal; the world, reality and all their concerns fade away, it feels incredible, but all good things must come to an end.

. . .

Slowly they ease apart, until only the front of their bodies are joined, slowly opening their eyes, they watch each other tenderly ... they smile. Everything feels natural.

\- It's just a kiss. - Arizona speaks with a shy grin. – That wasn't so bad was it?

\- Yeah, that's it. - Callie replies with an equally shy smile. - It was good.

\- Yes, it was good. - They smile again.

Silence.

Shy glances.

They have yet to separate.

Both want more, but they know they can't afford to.

They've already gotten what they wanted, but they can't bring themselves to let go, not yet. Their eyes travels between their eyes and lips, but they can't continue, not anymore. They think about how one simple kiss can affect them in such a way. Their breaths are uneven, and they're lost in each other's eyes, they need more.

. . .

Sometimes there are things that simply can't be stopped. Inadvertently, without knowing who took the first step, their lips meet again and again. A slow and gentle dance, but gradually the intensity begins to grow.

They can feel the warmth of their breaths, and the softness of their lips. Arizona is taken aback by the desperation she can feel from the brunette, and their tongues greet each other, cautiously at first, but are soon overtaken by their passion.

Tongues and lips move at a sensual and intoxicating rhythm. There is no more timidity as all their senses awaken.

Callie lifts her hand to rest against Arizona's neck, pulling her in closer as Arizona squeezes Callie's arms hard in response. Their bodies begin to heat up and breathing becomes difficult, they desperately long to press their bodies together, to let their hands wander and explore, even just a little bit… But they deny their bodies that desire. They suppress it and lock it away tightly.

 _"It's just a kiss."_

They quench the yearning of their bodies, but allow their lips and tongues to continue their exploration, transmitting all that they have repressed through this act. The kiss is scorching, intoxicating, captivating; it's everything they could have ever wanted, but yet too afraid to ask for.

The kiss varies in intensity, heads tilting slightly to accommodate the other, they separate, only slightly, before coming together again, but not yet touching, hovering over each other, breathing in each other's breaths.

Arizona boldly traps Callie's lower lip between her teeth. They smile gently immediately, as the brunette half-heartedly tries to escape.

It's a challenge, a game... to catch and release, they don't stop smiling.

Their lips are swollen and hot, they are kissing intensely, and, this time, they know they _have_ to stop. The kiss reveals everything; it's cutting them down to the very core, leaving their true feelings exposed, because they know that this will be the first and the last kiss they'll ever share.

They gradually begin to slow down, creating the slightest distance between their faces, but leaving their bodies connected.

Opening their eyes, their breaths are laboured, chests moving against each other drawing in as much air as they can, hearts beating a thousand beats per hour.

\- That was... - Arizona breaths out with difficulty.

\- Yeah... - Callie responds just as breathless.

They smiled and separated slowly, eyes never once leaving the other.

\- It's just a kiss. - Arizona repeats, perhaps the more she says it the more she'll be convinced that it was _just_ a kiss.

\- Yeah... but... we can't do it again. We can't confuse things, there's too much at risk and… I can't lose you, Arizona. - Callie says with a smile to soften her statement. They are still feeling the effects of the excitement buzzing through their bodies and struggling to return to normal.

\- I know. - Silence - But things won't be awkward between us, right?

\- No, no awkwardness, I promise.

They stared at each other and smiled. It wasn't the same as the club this time, it wasn't unexpected, and they are aware of their mutual attraction. Today, they finally acted on that attraction, but were also mindful that they couldn't let it go any further than a kiss.

\- We better head back in. - Says the blonde.

\- Yeah, we probably should. – The brunette agrees with a smile.

. . .

They slowly make their way back in the room allowing their arms rub against each other. Soon they are soon drawn into conversations with other doctors, and the night passes on, but stolen glances are inevitable, and the can only smile when they are discovered.

Nothing feels uncomfortable, everything feels as if its continuing on as normal, and even though they both know it can't happen again, they can't help think that that kiss was even better than they could ever imagined.

Tonight they shared a kiss, but it wasn't _just_ a kiss... It meant everything.

. . .


	11. Chapter 11

.

\- (August 19, 2013) -

Arizona POV

I haven't seen Callie since Friday, although we've talked on the phone, it's just not the same, but she had the weekend off, and now all I want is to see her. However, I am a little nervous, we'd agreed that nothing would change between us and that everything was okay, but my heart's conflicted; and don't know what to do.

Thinking of Friday night always creates a mixture of different feelings that I try to keep under control, but it's difficult when everything about that night was so incredible.

I know I should feel guilty, because I'm dating someone else, and I'm not one to cheat, but I don't know what's going on with me, because I know that I'm not at the height of the person I've always been.

I didn't see Melissa last week, and even though she asked me out at the weekend, I had to decline. She is a lovely woman and we have a great time when we're together, but I didn't want to see her.

That kiss with Callie was all I had in mind, all the feelings were still fluttering in my heart, and I didn't want to eclipse it with anything. I knew that seeing Melissa would bring me back to reality, and I wasn't prepared for that yet.

I've thought about my situation, and I think I should end my relationship with Melissa, but I can't do it, maybe because I've finally learnt to settle with her, and I know this might sound selfish of me, but sometimes, I think it's just because I don't want to lose anything.

My mind is a mess; maybe I should lead my life as I did before. Move on with Melissa and forget about Callie, and just hang out there. But I don't know what's wrong with me; I can't seem to make up my mind. I wonder where all the stupid rules that I had went. No relationships, no feelings, and don't get involved with people from work. Now, I'm in a relationship, but I have strong feelings for someone else, a co-worker, and to make matters worse, she is my best friend.

I am in situations of which I ran away, and I wonder when my life was turned into this entanglement. When was that all change?

I deeply sigh at the thought of all that is happening, and I have the answer. Everything, absolutely everything, changed because of Calliope.

She's everything I want, everything I could have wished for, but can't have, as it could endanger our friendship. Melissa is the remedy for the nights that I don't want to be alone, and night where I want to forget, to try and keep my mind away from Callie, but it is also something safe and easy.

But I can't deny myself of everything that is Calliope, the person that I want to see as much as possible, she's who I want so desperately to touch and feel, she's the only one that I want to kiss again and again.

I shake my head to try to clear my thoughts, but it's impossible. Just thinking about Callie, leads me through a roller coaster of feelings and emotions. I know I need to everything under control, but it's difficult, even more so after that kiss we shared.

I don't think I've ever experienced a kiss like that, and never in my life have I ever felt like that. And it's not just the kiss itself... it was the experience, both physically and emotionally, because for me it wasn't just a kiss.

That night, I could feel that Callie was as surprised as I was at how good it felt, I know how I feel about her, but I also know that she will not allow herself anything more, and I'm disheartened by the thought.

Still, it's impossible not to think of Callie and what it would mean if she were more than just my friend. Because if I'm so distracted by just a kiss, I can only imagine what the s...

\- A penny for your thoughts... - I jump as a voice brings me out of my thoughts, I know who is. I smile at the thought of everything I had in mind.

\- Hey! Calliope, you scared me.

\- I am sorry. - She pouts adorably, and inevitably my eyes go to her lips as she smiles. - You looked like you were lost in the clouds. - I flick my eyes up to meet hers, and we stare wordlessly.

\- Mm, yeah, my mind was elsewhere. - I give a smile.

\- What were you thinking about, Dr Robbins? - If only she knew everything I'd thought about since Friday.

\- I don't think I should share it. – I winked at her, and we walked to the cafeteria.

\- I guess that they weren't very innocent thoughts then? - She approaches me, speaking a little slower, and in a low voice. - If you don't dare to say it out loud, I can imagine what was going in that head of yours... - I feel a chill run through my body at her voice, it is difficult to be around Callie.

. . .

We grab our coffees when we arrive at the cafeteria and we sit down. The conversation and jokes continue, everything is so simple and natural to her.

Everything around us feels like it's loaded with tension, pure electricity, and we are both aware of it, of that I'm sure. Our eyes meet as we speak and it feels like everything slows down, leaving just the two of us.

Her eyes travel to my lips, and every time she does, I bite my lower lip unconsciously, and she looks away quickly.

I also can't help looking at her, her eyes, her lips... and I feel a great desire to kiss her right here, and I know that she's in the same state. Perhaps it's only something purely physical for her, but it's enough for me, I would take it in a heartbeat. There are friendships with certain benefits, aren't there? But I know that isn't the case.

God! This woman makes my heart race, just by being near me. Just one touch is enough to make my skin crawl, only one word is enough to make me weak, just a smile can disarm my heart... It wouldn't take much fall in love with her.

. . .

Callie POV

Over the weekend I was off work, but I still didn't feel rested, and I can't say I've had much to do today, because besides surgery for which I'm getting ready, however my mind is exhausted.

Perhaps it's the fact that I haven't stopped thinking, there is so much running in my mind, but I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. Sometimes I want to escape, and not think, to not ask myself so many questions, because I fear the answers.

Arizona was in my thoughts for most of my weekend, and I am finding it difficult to be around her; not because I feel uncomfortable, but because I'm experiencing feelings, and reactions, very strong, in her presence.

While we were together this morning I couldn't stop looking at her. All of her... her face, her eyes, her lips... it kept leading me back to Friday night. The kiss that hasn't left my mind since, just endlessly repeating, over and over again.

I'm about to go into surgery, and I know I should be completely focused on my patient, but whilst the water runs, I'm lost, all I think about is that kiss. Yes, I know it's unprofessional, but I can't help it.

Everything works too well between us, yet I'm conflicted, and I don't know what to do, I want understand, but it scares me.

Okay, yes... I admit I'm attracted to Arizona. I don't know when it started, I know I've felt it before, and I've tried to ignore it, but I am now fully aware of it.

The attraction is very strong, a look, a touch... a word is enough for everything in me to melt in a manner I've haven't done so in so long… Not since Laura

God! Laura.

It feels so bad, and good, at the same time. Is that possible?

I've thought that maybe just is caused by the lack of sex, maybe that's what's making me react that way to Arizona. My sex life has always been very active, and satisfactory, and today, it is far from that.

I've always enjoyed sex, Laura was the greatest expression of physical and emotional connection that I've ever felt in my life, everything was amazing with her. It was always great before her, I can't complain, it was just different. Therefore my sex life was always pretty consistent.

Somehow I had closed off that part of me, after being aware that falling with strangers, to numb and hide away from all my problems wasn't actually getting me anywhere; and certainly didn't help me with the loss of Laura.

But today, something woke in me, and I don't know how to handle it. Never, since the death of Laura, have I thought of someone like I think of Arizona.

And I can't stop thinking about that kiss, about all the feelings that swept over me, about how I wanted it to continue... and how I wanted more of her.

It's been a long time since I've been with someone, and I think that is clouding my reason. I know we can't go further, the attraction is mutual, but I know the limits. Still, I don't know how to deal with it, because I still seek her companionship constantly, and I know I'm playing with fire, but I like it.

Sometimes I wish I forget that she is my friend, forget that she has a girlfriend... and... Kiss her, touch her, and feel her, without feeling guilty. I would like to feel that it isn't wrong, and would also like to feel that I am not betraying to Laura when I think about it. There are moments where I just want get carried away, forget everything, and be consumed by Arizona.

. . .

I close my eyes tightly, and inhale deeply.

I shake away my thoughts to return to reality.

Come on Torres! Take a deep breath, there's a patient waiting for you.

I close the tap, adjust my cap, and look through the windows, I need to focus on my patient at this minute; there'll be time for everything else later.

. . .

Finally I can go home, surgery this afternoon was perfect, and all I want now is to get to my apartment, close my eyes, and not wake up until tomorrow. I need to get Arizona out of my head, at least for a moment; otherwise I'll go crazy.

I laugh, that's almost impossible; she always appears, for one reason or another, everyday. A coffee, a patient, a quick break... there is always something that brings us together. - Hey! Are you leaving without saying goodbye? – Oh look, what a coincidence.

\- Sorry, I didn't think you'd still be here. - She cocks her head, and looks at me, making a silent decision in her head

\- You wanna grab some pizza or something? I'm starving.

\- Yeah, that sounds good. - I can't say no to her.

\- Great! Let's go.

. . .

We make our way outside the hospital, talking and laughing as always. But everything stops when I see a familiar silhouette a few meters from us. - I think someone is waiting for you. - Arizona looks at me a little confused.

\- Mmm? - She looks at around curiously.

\- Over there. – I motioned with my head towards the bench. When Melissa notices us, she gets up, and walks over to us. Arizona smiles a little uncomfortably, and looks at me to say something, but Melissa interrupts.

\- Hey! - Melisa speaks, rapidly approaching Arizona, leaving a kiss on her lips. I wish I could magically disappear from here, but I have to put my best face. Arizona isn't very excited about the surprise visit either.

\- Melissa. - Arizona speaks, and looks at me apologetically. - What brings you here? - Melissa greets me.

\- Hello Callie, it's been a while. - I clench my jaw, and answer with some difficulty.

\- Yeah, it's nice to see you again. - I answer, and she turns to Arizona.

\- I wanted to see you, and apparently coming here is the only way that's gonna happen. – I find Melissa's words annoying, but stay silent as she approaches Arizona and she wraps an arm around her waist. I have no desire to see this.

\- Well, I'm tired. - I want out of here. - See you later, Arizona. - I start to make my exit.

\- Callie... - Arizona calls me, I turn round, and she's looking at me helplessly, apologetically, wanting to say something. – Can we talk later? –

\- Yeah, of course. - Then I walk away.

I make my way without looking back. I don't want to see her, or what she's like with Melissa. I feel my blood boiling and disappointed, but I shouldn't be, because one kiss doesn't give me the right to claim Arizona.

I don't know what I was thinking when I allowed myself cross the line with her.

. . .

All I did when I got to my apartment was collapse onto my couch, and I don't know how long I was there for, but I must have fallen asleep, woken only by the sound of my phone ringing.

It's Arizona, and it's past midnight, I don't want to answer. I'm not in the mood to talk to her, and she knows me well enough to know when something is bothering me, so I'd prefer not to answer. She's insistent though, ringing a couple more times before giving up and messaging me instead.

* Is everything okay? You're not answering your phone.

* I just wanted to apologize, I didn't know she was waiting for me.

* I didn't mean to leave you hanging.

* Can we go for pizza tomorrow, please?

* I guess you're busy, or sleeping, who knows...

*... Okay, I hope I get to see you tomorrow.

I read the messages, each arriving mere seconds after each other. I don't know because I don't want to answer, but I'd prefer to wait until this weird feeling passes, tomorrow is another day.

. . .

\- (August 20, 2013) -

Arizona POV

Yesterday did _not_ go as expected, I wanted was to be with Callie, outside of the hospital, but it was ruined when Melissa decided to surprise me, and I didn't know how to react. I thought about telling her I had plans with Callie, but it was not fair to her, I felt obligated to spend time with her, we hadn't seen each other in a while and she was still my girlfriend.

I didn't want to go out, so we went to my apartment. It isn't what I had planned, but one thing led to another, and we ended up in bed. If I say it like that, it sounds like I was doing something wrong, but no, she's my girlfriend, and there is nothing wrong with that, but still, I have a strange feeling inside me.

Last night I called Callie, and then sent her messages that went unanswered I suppose she was upset that I'd stood her up. I'd messaged her to meet this morning, but she couldn't, she'd been called to the emergency room.

I want to see her, but I have plans with Melissa again tonight. She was upset last night, and we talked, she felt that our relationship wasn't working, and asked me to put more effort into it. She was right, I hadn't invested much in our relationship, most of my free time is spent with Calliope, and that was bothering her.

I'm frustrated, my day is ending and I haven't managed to talk to Callie. Melisa is picking me up soon, and I don't want to leave without seeing her first. I don't understand why things become so complicated, and I would give anything for everything to go back like it was yesterday morning.

. . .

I'm in my office, checking my phone for the umpteenth time, hoping to hear from Callie, but still nothing, silence. A knock on my door startles me and I smile - Come in. - As soon as the door opened, my smile fell, well, changed. - Melissa, what are you doing here? - My smile became somewhat forced, it wasn't what I expected, I stepped back, and leaned on my desk.

\- We agreed that I'd pick you up. - She walks forward. - Is this the way to welcome me? - Another half smile.

\- I know, but I mean how did you get in here? Shouldn't you be in the lobby? - She keeps coming, and stands in front of me.

\- By asking, you'll be amazed how far that'll get you, darling. - She closes the distance quickly, and kisses me gently, I respond as best I can, before pull away.

\- Why don't you wait outside? I just need to change. - She smiles, and I know what she's thinking.

\- Mmm, I think I'd rather stay and watch... - She winks at me. - Better yet, why don't you let me help... - She leans for another kiss, this time more urgent.

\- Melissa, stop it... - She gives me little kisses on my neck. - Mel, stop... not here... can't... - One hand goes to my hip and pulls me towards her. - Please stop... this is not the place... - She doesn't listen, and I feel one of her hands venture down my abdomen slowly.

\- You sure you want me to stop? - She challenges me.

\- Mel... - My voice comes out as a whisper, my body is not indifferent to what she is doing, but nevertheless I don't want this, not here, not now, not... - Please stop... – I'm interrupted when my door suddenly opens.

\- Arizona, sorry I couldn't... - Callie enters, and stops suddenly. I separate myself Melissa quickly trying to settle my clothes.

\- Calli... - She interrupted me, and I notice her discomfort.

\- I'm sorry. - She avoids my gaze. - I'm so sorry, I should've knocked, I didn't know... - Melissa interrupts.

\- It's okay Callie, we just got carried away, we can finish this at home. - She gives a somewhat cheeky smile, and I know she made that comment on purpose. Callie is still frozen in the doorway.

\- Callie, sorry, this wasn't the place... - Finally my voice comes out, but I can't finish.

\- No... I'm the one that interrupted without knocking. Really sorry, I'll be going. It wasn't anything important, we'll talk later. - She closes the door and leaves.

Melissa looks at me and smiles apologetically. - I told you to stop... this is not a place for that... This is my job, my office... - She continues with her smile, and I feel a little exasperated.

\- Don't worry so much, I understand... but it was only Callie. It won't happen again, I promise. - All I want is to go after Callie and talk to her, I know I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I still feel a need to explain myself to her.

\- I'll wait downstairs, don't make me wait too long though, we'll finish this another time. - She winks at me and leaves.

Devils! I grabbed my head and tugged at my hair sharply, what I was thinking? I sit on the couch, and I pulled out my phone... I want to call Callie.

Why is everything so complicated? She must be uncomfortable, catching me in such a compromising situation... but her eyes... there was something...

I breathe deeply... maybe it was just my imagination.

* Sorry, I know that was awkward.  
* Can we talk tomorrow?

I wait for your answer hopefully, but it doesn't come.

. . .

Callie POV

My pager went off early this morning, and I had to rush into work. I arrived directly to the ER, and I spent most of the day there. I was so busy that I didn't have the time to see Arizona, she messaged me this morning, but I couldn't meet her.

Last night I fell asleep with a lot on my mind, and this morning, I woke up convinced that it was childish of me not to respond to Arizona. I had decided to talk to her, I didn't want her to think I was upset. I was caught up in ER much of the day, and I wasn't able to see her, but despite my tiredness I was with the clearest ideas, and before I leave to home, I decided to stop by her office.

That was what I did, but now here I am. Rushing to my apartment as if someone was chasing me, blood boiling, and anger directed at only myself. Why the hell didn't I knock?

. . .

When I entered my apartment, all I wanted was to open a bottle and drown my anger, but I knew how stupid it was considering my past.

I can't understand why this affected me so much, Arizona had a girlfriend, and there was nothing wrong with what they were doing. But still, it wasn't something I wanted to see.

Once I got to my room, I dropped into bed; I had no desire to do anything else. My eyes were fixed on the ceiling, trying to beat off my thoughts, but nothing helped. I checked my phone and found a message from Arizona.

I breathed deeply. I have to do the right thing, and the right thing was to respond to your best friend. My friend, I repeated in my head.

* Okay, talk to you tomorrow.  
And yes, it was slightly uncomfortable.  
But don't feel bad, it was my fault.  
Goodnight :)

I hope that sounded reassuring, I don't know what we'll talk about tomorrow, she has nothing to explain. I left my phone on the nightstand, and returned to my stare off with the ceiling, it was going to be a long night.

. . .

\- (August 21, 2013) -

I felt nervous, I tried to keep my mind occupied, and I haven't seen Arizona yet, but I know it's inevitable.

Everything changed in a moment and I'm angry with myself for letting this affect me. Until Monday afternoon, it was all so good, and now, I feel like I just want to avoid her. The mere thought of meeting her is causing an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and the image of her and Melissa in her office keeps coming to mind.

I don't want to think about it, or at least I'm trying not to, but it's impossible, because it's all I'm doing. I don't know how long I've been sitting on the couch in my office, staring at the ceiling and trying not to procrastinate as I have a pile of files on my desk, but I can't concentrate.

I close my eyes and think of the kiss with Arizona, and there lay the problem. We should've never gone beyond those limits; that's what ruined everything, and confused the things for me. Because Arizona is apparently fine with me, I'm the one with the problem, and I need to find a way to end this.

There's a knock on the door of my office, but I don't move, I can't, I have no desire to. Whoever it is can leave, if it's an emergency, they'll page me.

There's another know, but I will not move, I just lean back more into the sofa, and close my eyes. I hear the door opening, and I straightened up a bit and see Arizona hovering in the doorway.

\- Can we talk? - She asks me hesitantly.

\- Of course, come in - I don't move from my position. – What's up? - What's wrong with me, I'm being so rude with her.

\- Sure, mmm... I just wanted to apologize to you. – She slowly approaches. - Firstly for leaving you on Monday, and also for what you saw yesterday.

\- Hey, no, it's okay. I obviously felt uncomfortable yesterday, but that's normal, I was surprised, that's all. - I try to sound as nonchalant as possible.

\- Well... - I don't see her, but I can feel her move, and I know there's something else she wants say. – Can you look at me? I feel awkward talking to the side of your face. - She sounds upset now. I take a breath, open my eyes, sit up slowly, and looked at her.

\- Does this work for you? – My voice came out coldly, and I see a flash of uncertainty crossing her face. - Sorry, I'm just a little tired... Is there anything else you wanted to talk to me about?

\- I don't know... why don't you tell me? - I look at her in confusion, and frown - Look at you... you're so... I don't know... everything was so good, and now we're talking like... and... What happened to us?

\- I don't understand what you mean. - She seems really pissed off.

\- God! Callie! Why can't you be honest with me and tell me what's bothering you? – She is valiantly trying to contain her anger, but I can still feel it coming off of her in waves. - Why don't you tell me if you're upset that I left you on Monday or…- She pauses, lowering her head and wrapping her arms around her own waist, and takes a breath... she looks at me. - Or if seeing me with Melissa upset you...

\- What? Why would I be upset about that? - I laughed in disbelief, she doesn't have to know how I really feel, _that_ would be a mistake on my part. - Of course I felt uncomfortable, _anyone_ would have felt awkward being caught in that situation... but I'm not upset. - I get up from the couch. - Why are you trying to make this into a big deal? Nothing happened... and this is a really pointless conversation, you don't need to explain yourself to me!- I feel myself getting worked up, this wasn't something I wanted.

\- You're acting weird. Everything was fine, and now I feel as though you're avoiding me, even if you tell me otherwise.

\- I'm not avoiding to you, I'm just really tired. I didn't get a chance to see you yesterday because I was caught up in the ER. Arizona, I'm exhausted, and I still have more work to do. - I gesture to the papers on my desk. I start to make my way to my desk when she moves and blocks me. - What are you doing, Arizona?

\- I'm tired too, Callie, I'm tired of pretending that nothing's happening between us... Why won't you admit it? Why won't you admit that you're _jealous_ of Melissa?

\- Where did _that_ come from, Arizona? What the hell is wrong with you? - We are very close, and I can feel the tension rising. - What do you me to say?

\- I want... - She falls silent and looks at me with her eyes full of... Anger? Desire? Sadness? I don't even know anymore... there's so much there. - I want... - She falls silent again.

\- What do you want, Arizona? What is it that what you want to hear? - She opens her mouth to say something, but stops and purses her lips, shaking her head slightly, and suddenly darts forward, and the next thing I know, her lips are pressed against mine.

I grab her shoulders to push her away, but she stands firm. She tries to make me react, but I refuse to give in and reciprocate. I am trying to understand what's going through her head, but fall weak at the sensation of her lips against mine.

I kiss her back, tasting her lips, and our kiss turns passionate. Our tongues struggle and our teeth collide. I feel anger, liberation, and a lot of things I don't know how to explain; I just know it's nothing like our first kiss.

Our hands begin to roam. Arizona is pressed flush against me; her hands travel up my arms to my neck. I feel her desperation, as well as my own, my hands going to her hips to pull her firmly against me.

I can feel her moving against me, and it's driving me crazy right now. She subtly adjusts her leg between mine, and I feel as though I'm going to fall apart right here.

I can't believe what's happening, my mind goes blank, and I just want to get swept away in this moment, but as the desire is consuming me, I feel the anger as well. The sadness emerges, and I feel helpless. Arizona has a girlfriend, she was with her yesterday, and is now here, kissing me. I can't believe it, I'm not this person.

I squeeze my hands on her hips and it takes everything that I have left in me to push her away from me. I feel horrible, and angry. Our bodies are separate, but my hands say firmly on her waist preventing her from closing in again. My head is bowed; I can't even look her.

\- Stop ... this is wrong.

\- Why? - Her voice is barely a whisper. - Calliope, I... - I interrupt.

\- No Arizona, you... I'm not this... you have a girlfriend... what the hell is wrong with you? You can't just kiss me and... - She interrupts me.

\- I know that you want this too, I can feel it when we're together. - She tries to make eye contact with me. - I can't stand it anymore, this it's wrong.

\- Enough... - I turn around and walk away; I need to collect my thoughts. – You, Arizona... you have a girlfriend... - I turned to her, I have one hand on my waist, and looked at her defiantly. - You... you can't come here... to my office... to this... you can't... - I feel like my eyes are filled with tears.

\- It didn't seem to bother you... - Her voice has gone up. - What's stopping you? Laura? She's not here anymore, Calliope! You want to protect your memory of her? Why didn't you do that before? When you were fucking around with strangers? - She freezes immediately. - I'm sorry... I... don't know where that came from that... I shouldn't... – I'd already stopped listening.

I'm in shock, I don't move, I don't feel, I don't breathe.

Why did she mention Laura?

How did we get here?

I don't want to cry, but I feel sad, and I need to control myself before I say something I might regret later.

Why did I let this happen? Why did I open up to someone, even as a friend?

I can't believe that Arizona would said something like this, I trusted her, but...

A part of me knows that all this came from anger, and all this craziness that is happening between us right now.

When did we become so distant?

I didn't want to argue anymore, all of my strength had left me now and I'm left with only sadness. I open my mouth to say something, but I feel a lump in my throat, and I clench my jaw to help control myself. I breathe deeply, and speak as calmly as possible.

\- I don't know what the hell just happened, or when we became like this... - My jaw is clenched so tightly it starts to hurt. - But I want... – I inhale deeply and my hands curl into a tight fist. - I need you to get out of my office.

\- Calliope, I... - I interrupt her.

\- Don't ever call me that again... just leave... please... I want to be alone... I need you to go, please.

Time seems to slow down to a standstill, and I would give anything for this moment disappear, and pretend it never happened.

Everything was so good, and now...

. . .


	12. Chapter 12

.

\- (August 28, 2013) -

Callie POV

It's only been a week since Arizona came into my office and everything ended in a mess. I'm not angry, I'm hurt, and I think that's worse. I don't want to look at her, I don't want to talk to her, because everything brings me to that day.

I understand that she has feelings for me and wanted to hear that I reciprocated them. She kissed me, and then she hurt me in the worst way.

When she kissed me, it was with such force, with such conviction that for a moment it was all that I wanted. But... How I can want it if someone else would end up getting hurt? How could she say something like that, and kiss me, if she has a girlfriend?

I couldn't continue, however much I wanted to, but I'm not made that way.

I can't let her know how I feel, when _I'm_ not even sure.

Is it just a physical attraction, or something else?

My feelings are so confused, and all I want is to stay away from her, although it's consuming me. I miss her, but it hurts too.

. . .

\- (September 12, 2013) -

Arizona POV

Silence and distance is all I'm getting from the person who used to bring so much joy to my days, Calliope.

Since I realized my feelings for her, I fought to keep them at bay, to not say anything to her. My greatest fear was that she would turn away from me, and it was what ended up happening anyway.

I'd imagined so many times how I'd tell Callie that I had feelings for her, and what her reaction would be, but this was beyond anything I could have imagined. I'd ruined everything, and feel that I'll never have a chance to regain her friendship.

I regret not having accepted my feelings earlier, I should have been brave and told her how I felt. Instead, I'd waited until those feelings overcame me, and let it explode; and it exploded in the worst way possible.

I haven't answer to justify my actions, I just think that my feelings for Calliope exceeded my reason, and clouded my judgment. I can't believe what came out of my mouth, and I want to understand why I would say something like that; but I had no answers. I can't even imagine how Callie felt. She trusted me, and I just threw that trust back in her face.

I wish I could turn back time and do everything differently, but that is impossible, and however much I want to see her, I can't. Every time I try, I'm faced with silence and distance.

I feel horrible, absolutely overwhelmed by all my emotions... anger, sadness, helplessness, emptiness, hopelessness. Everything hurts too much, and I know it's my fault. I'm not sleeping, I can't concentrate at work, and I feel like my energy is gone.

If only she would listen to me, but nothing. There have been several chances, but she avoids eye contact, and walks away from me as soon as possible.

 _\- Callie - My voice goes soft, she is leaning back against the wall, and she looks tired. There is no one around, I guess I was looking for tranquillity. She hears her name, looks up and our eyes meet, but as soon as that happens she looks away. – Can we talk? - She breathes deep._

 _\- No. - She pushes off the wall, and leaves me. I stay, watching her disappear down the hallway; it hurts to know that she can't even look at me._

I constantly think about our encounters, and what I get from it, nothing. I just need a chance. I don't want to lose her. I don't care if all she can offer is friendship. I just need her in my life. It was so magical when we laughed, when we talked, when I looked into her eyes, even when we were just there in silence. Everything was so special, and now I have nothing. I want her back in my life.

Why is my heart so enchanted by her?

I feel something so immense, that it scares me to name it. I know it'll never be reciprocated, and all that I'll have is her friendship. But I would rather have that than nothing. I've become dependent on her laughter, on her presence, on her eyes... of her.

From that stupid day, I've only gotten monosyllabic answers. But I've tried every time I've had the opportunity. I haven't given up, even though each day becomes more difficult.

 _The elevator doors open, and I see her. I can feel her discomfort, and her desire to be anywhere but there, but I entered and greeted her anyway._

 _\- Hey. - I say shyly, not knowing if she will respond._

 _\- Hi – That's a good sign right? I give a smile._

 _\- You headed home? - Silence, I try to break it - I am, today was a stressful day, and all I want is to get out of here. - I smile, but there is only silence. – Callio... Calli... can we talk... I... I'm so sorry... - She interrupts me._

 _\- Please, just... don't... - The elevator doors open and she leaves._

 _I froze for a moment, and when the doors are closing, I jump out. I make my way towards the exit, and I see her walking slowly, I follow her quietly. She stops when she reaches the corner and lights a cigarette, she smokes? I catch myself, but I hasten to reach her._

 _\- Hey! Wait. - She stops, and breaths out the smoke. - You smoke? - For the first time she looks at me, and it's an exasperated look, with the expression of disbelief. - Sorry, that's not any of my business. - She sighs deeply, and brings the cigarette back to her mouth. It's so strange to see her do that, it's as if it wasn't her. - Can I walk with you? - Silence, and as she continues on her way, she speaks._

 _\- I'd rather not. - A response so short and blunt. It hurt. She walks away, and I don't know when the tears started to fall down my cheeks. The sadness takes over the night and I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do; I'm completely lost without her._

I can't count all the times that I came across with the indifference, silence, and coldness in her responses and attitudes. But I don't blame her. Maybe it's what I deserve for what I did.

I don't know what to do, there's no way to get to her. She has been closed like an oyster, and all I want is for things to be easy between us again. I want her back, but I'm tired, tired of trying.

. . .

\- Hey! Can I sit next to you? - It's Mark, with his lunch tray in hand. - Earth calling to Robbins.

\- Yeah, right, sorry. Just had my head elsewhere. - I give a little smile.

Since I met Callie, I got a little closer to Mark. He's your friend, and it was inevitable, but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.

\- So... mmm... What's going on? - He eats his lunch as he examines me with his gaze.

\- With? - I try to act confused.

\- You and Callie, I only have to look at you, and I can tell something's up. Also, I know Callie, and although she's not telling me, I know something happened. I haven't seen the two of you together in a while.

\- Nothing, everything's fine. - He looks at me and laughs.

\- Okay. If you don't want to tell me, just you say so, but you're terribly bad liar, your eyes give it all away. – When has been paying so much attention to me? I took a deep breath.

\- I screwed up.

\- Oh! - Silence - And there's no way to fix it?

\- I've tried, but she's completely closed off. - I lean back in my seat, and cross my arms, leaving my lunch untouched.

\- Look, I don't know what you did. But whatever it is, knowing Callie, you need to give her some time and space.

\- I have! It's been weeks. - I feel defeated.

\- Can I ask you a question? Like, will you answer honestly? - I think and then nod. - Do you want something from Callie? Something more than friendship?

\- We're friends. - He smiles at me.

\- That wasn't what I asked. I know it's not my business, but ... do you? - I breathe deeply, thinking silently about my answer.

\- Yes, I have feelings for her, and that's what somehow what led us to all this mess - I feel totally exposed, and I don't like it. It haven't even talked to Teddy about this yet. But there was something about Mark that made me want to talk, maybe he'd be able to help me with Callie.

\- Let me tell you something, Arizona. Callie's worth it, so don't give up. She's been through a lot, and obviously she'll raise her walls when somebody hurts her, especially if she's put her trust in that person. She just needs some space to think.

\- I've given her a lot of space, and nothing. She barely speaks to me. She won't even look me in the eye. I messed up, I hurt her, and I'm scared she'll never forgive me.

\- I know who she is, and Callie isn't spiteful, she will be able to forgive. Her heart is huge, and she needs to understand the situation herself before she can let that happen. I don't know why, but I feel that she's in conflict with herself.

\- What do you mean? I don't understand.

\- Just look for another way to get to her, it is not always necessary to vocalize things to be heard. There are thousands of ways to communicate. Find another way to get to her, you know her. Make her see that one mistake doesn't define you. Remind her of the best parts of you.

\- Why are you telling me all this, Mark?

\- It's been a long time since I've seen her really smile, but with you? She did, a lot, and it reminds me of the old Callie. I don't want her to fall into her bad habits again. I don't want you hurt her, but I know you became an important part of her life, and she is suffering. I don't need to tell you that she's had a very hard time, because you know ... but since you came into her life, all she did was improve.

\- Do you think she'll give me a chance?

\- Yeah, I think so.

\- But what do I do? I don't even know where to start or what to do.

\- I'm sure you'll find a way. Think of it as a challenge. - He laughs. - But first of all, think about what you really want, what you really need... and when you know, you'll be able to center your heart where it should be... then you can focus on recovering her friendship. Don't give up your feelings, no matter what happens... and when you get her back, you should let her know... because if you don't try, you'll never know what opportunities lie ahead... but don't rush, be patient.

\- You really think so?

\- Yeah, but you need to do it right. If there's anything that Callie values, it's honesty, faithfulness, commitment, and loyalty... If you break one of them, then you have a big job ahead. But I'm sure you can see that she's worth the effort. And regardless of what happens, whatever way she's in your life as, it'll always be a blessing.

\- Wow! - I smile I never thought I'd hear something like that come from the mouth of Mark Sloan. – Well, what d'ya know? I'd heard so many things about you, but look at you now.

\- Don't kid yourself, people usually only see what's on the outside, very few dare to go further. In my early years here, I was a chump, but I've changed a lot over the years... Lexie, and Callie, have had a lot to do with that... anyway... - He looks at his watch. - I should get going, I have a surgery, see you later. - He starts to leave, but I stop him.

\- Mark, thank you. - He nods. - It was really good talking to you.

\- Just don't screw up again. - He winks at me and leaves.

. . .

The conversation with Mark left me lighter, gave me hope, and I stood analyzing every word he said.

 _"It is not always necessary to vocalize things to be heard. There are thousands of ways to communicate..."_

He's right, if I can't get straight to it, I'll have to find another way around it. She is definitely worth it, I'm sure. Now I have to think how, and do things right.

A smile appears on my face and, after a long time, I feel hopeful.

. . .


	13. Chapter 13

Shinata-Riyoko is who makes possible this translation, thanks for your work, and time spent on my story. (Any mistakes it's mine)

Read the chapter 11 first, I've uploaded 3. Thank you all for reading, for each reviews, follows, favs and pm.

* * *

\- (September 21, 2013) -

Arizona POV

The conversation with Mark really opened my mind to many things, and made me more clear about what I felt, and what I wanted.

Sometimes we want things immediately, but it isn't always the best. So I gave Callie space. I stopped seeking her, stopped engaging her in conversations she clearly didn't want and stopped putting her in situations where she might feel uncomfortable. It hurt me, but I did what was necessary.

I stayed away, but I didn't give up. I just wanted her to realize that I was important to her as well, in spite of my mistake. I gave her time, and space, hoping she could put her thoughts in order, and so I could sort out myself as well.

Meanwhile, I started thinking about how to reach out her when she wouldn't look or talk to me. I knew it would be difficult, but I had to recover her friendship first, and I needed face my feelings.

I swore I would figure it all out, no matter what. Because I knew it was worth the attempt, Callie was worth it, and I didn't want to hide it anymore.

. . .

Callie POV

Arizona had long ceased trying to find me. Apparently she'd given up on our friendship, or maybe it was me she'd given up on. I was relentless, and cold, but I really was hurt, and it suffocated me whenever she looked at me, spoke to me, or when she was close to me. But I missed it, because it was the only connection we had left.

At times I feel the need to find her and talk to her, but then I remember what she did, and why we're so distant.

Maybe that's what I want to happen. I was hurt and distanced myself to Arizona to save me from getting hurt anymore. My pride couldn't take it anymore and I couldn't blame Arizona for giving up on me. She'd tried, but I rejected her at every turn.

. . .

\- (September 24, 2013) -

It's late, the end of another day, and I'm about to go home. I walk into my office and it's dark, but I didn't bother turning on the lights. The silence is overwhelming, and the loneliness is written into every nook. I close the door behind me and lean against it. A deep sigh chokes in my throat... I never had these feelings when Arizona was near me.

I resign myself to this emptiness as I walk to my desk and sit down, throwing my head back and closing my eyes, I think of my life... so many things have happened in such little time... I'm completely exhausted.

I open my eyes to take the mouse, and move it to awaken the computer from its sleeping state; the light becomes stronger, and blinked rapidly to adapt my view. My eyes are immediately fixed on the note stuck to the middle of the screen. I take it and read it.

"Can you open your eyes, for just a moment, to my words,  
and your heart, to what they want to say?"

I frown, and look around for another note, but nothing.

I'm left wondering who the culprit behind this is.

. . .

\- (September 25, 2013) -

I'm headed to my apartment, I had thought of going to Joe's because Mark had insisted that I needed to get out, and do more than just work. But the truth is I just wasn't in the mood, I just needed a bath, and my bed.

I left the elevator and headed towards my door whilst digging into my bag for my keys, and when I raised my head to put it into the lock, I noticed the note taped to my door.

"I can only retain the hope that you want, and can,  
see beyond the words?"

Who's leaving these notes for me?

More importantly, what are they trying to tell me?

. . .

\- (September 26, 2013) -

Going to the cafeteria for lunch alone has become a habit now. I watch the comings and goings of people, laughter, and conversations abound. Time passes, and I've not eaten much, my tray is almost intact.

I decide to go for some juice; apparently it's the only thing my stomach can take today. After returning to my table and drinking some, I've definitely given up with food today. I take my tray and get up, when I see a familiar looking note fall onto the table. I pick it up, and before reading, I look around to see who the culprit could be, but I can't think of anyone.

Since I've received the second note yesterday, my mind went straight to Arizona. I wondered if it was. But now, as I look around, there is no trace of her, and nor was there when I arrived. But who else could it be?

"Just look, I'm not asking for much..."

God! Who is writing me? I want to know!

I look everywhere, but there are no suspects. I thought it might be Arizona, but if it's not her. Who could it be? Is it a secret admirer? I laugh internally my occurrence, I have a strange feeling, but I take note and put it in my pocket, I need to continue with work.

. . .

\- (September 27, 2013) -

"Just one word is enough..."

Today I arrived to my office early, and the first thing I found was a note. It's the fourth already, I've had one every day since Monday, and the uncertainty is killing me. I left quickly, and asked if anyone saw someone come to my office, but nobody saw anything.

"Just one word", again in my mind, and I try to understand what it means; I try to connect with the other notes I've received.

Why is my heart racing?

Maybe it's the surprise, the uncertainty of not knowing who is behind each note. Or maybe it's the fact that my heart knows who it is... it's _her_ , I can feel it... and I smile.

She did this to get my attention?

God! I've been so stupid.

. . .

\- (1 October 2013) -

It's been several days since I received the last note, and I must say that I´ve felt disappointed, every day I anticipate and hope for another note, but nothing.

Was she done? Perhaps it wasn't Arizona trying to get to my attention?

No, it's not, and it saddens me. Since I decided to distance myself from Arizona, this game has been the only thing that made my smile, and the lack of notes has allowed the emptiness to make it's presence known again.

I miss her so much, but I'm afraid to approach her, I behaved so childishly and I'm ashamed of my actions. If only I had listened, we all make mistakes. But it's too late now, and she's stopped trying, she's moved on with her life, and maybe that's what I should do too. II need to get this out of me system, so maybe I'll go to Joe's tonight, Mark's right, I need something more than just work.

. . .

\- Doctor Torres! - The receptionist calls to me as I go cross the central hall. I look at her and she motions for me to approach.

\- What's up? - I don't remember her name.

\- Sorry about the shouting, Doctor Torres, I've been trying to find you since Sunday... - I look puzzled, what does she want with me? - Someone left this for you on Sunday, I had a look at your schedule, but you weren't here... - She gives me a long box, one that could hold a rose, but it has no name outside, no cards, nothing. I wonder who sent this?

\- Do you know who left this for me?

\- No sorry, an express courier delivered it

\- Okay, thanks.

. . .

I make my way out, and I look for a bench where I can sit. I pull the ribbon from a box, and open it... a smile hovering on my face, there is only one single note inside it, not roses.

"... To know that I have a chance."  
PS: did you really think I would give up on you?

I finished reading, and smiled a way I haven't in a long time, only one person knows me so well... Arizona.

I quickly pulled the other notes from my bag and arranged them in order.

"Can you open your eyes, for just a moment, to my words,  
and your heart, to what they want to say?"

"I can only retain the hope that you want, and can,  
see beyond the words?"

"Just look, I'm not asking for much ..."

"Just one word is enough..."

"... To know that I have a chance."  
PS: did you really think I would give up on you?

My smile grows wide, she wants a chance, I'm important to her. How should I respond? With a note? With a text message? A call? What should I say?

"Just one word is enough ..."

I laugh at her wit; it could only be her... even if I'm hesitant of her.

My day has just finished in the best possible way. I want her back in my life; I _need_ her in my life. I guess it's true what they say, we never know what we have until it's gone.

My smile is wide as I look up the Seattle sky, the cool wind hits my face, and I can feel its freshness. I close my eyes, and enjoy it for a moment. I inhale and fill my lungs. Everything's changed, but I'm not afraid this time; I smiled

I get up and start walking, not to Joe's though. Tonight I need a good night's sleep, a deep sleep.

. . .


	14. Chapter 14

.

\- (1 October 2013) -

Arizona POV

It had been some time before I decided to approach Calliope again. I wasn't sure if what I had did would work, it was a simple idea, and a bit cheesy. I wanted to try a different approach to get her attention, so I thought I'd leave notes, if she didn't want to see me, she'd still be able to hear me out; that was my hope at least.

I started last week, and I was careful not to get caught. I felt like a teenager, full of hopes, and dreams; and each note I left was an adventure. Each note had a plan, and I'd always imagine how she'd react to each one.

I'd imagined she'd frown at the first note, she'd be very confused, and would look for another note to understand. I could almost see her curiosity grow with the next, and the uncertainty that must have been planted with the third. The fourth note, I'd left in her office, and I'd guessed by that point, she would have already have suspected it was me.

So then I waited, I didn't follow the same pattern, and knowing her, I knew that she would begin to doubt it was me; she would feel a little disappointed. So, I waited a few days and sent my last note to the reception hospital by courier. I wanted to surprise her, as she wouldn't be expecting it, I knew she would laugh and would know immediately that it _was_ me. I could almost see it.

Today is Tuesday, but I haven't heard from her yet, and it scared me a little. I wanted things to progress a lot faster, but I understood that these things needed time. So I will not pressure her, I'll give her all the time she needs. But I haven't stopped wondering if she'll give me a chance, and I'm anxious.

. . .

Callie POV

My mind goes back to every note I've received, especially the last, and I keep thinking about what it said, and the importance of it. Arizona wants a chance, I know, without a doubt, that it has to be her.

For a brief moment, I doubted that she wanted to recover our friendship, but last night all remnants of that left my mind. She has done something so special, something that brings a smile to my face every time I think about it.

I want to say yes; that she has this opportunity. But I also want apologize too; I want to get back to what we were before. I know it'll be hard, considering our chemistry together, but I know that our friendship is strong, and that's the most important part.

I'd thought of sending her a text with my answer, but it felt too impersonal, so I decided to follow her game, and leave her note.

When I reached her floor, I saw her leaning against the nurses' station and I froze. I didn't want to be noticed, and I stood staring at her, thinking about what to do, but she made things a lot easier when she went into her office. I finally gathered courage, and slide the note under her door, leaving a soft knock on the door to get her attention before taking my leave.

. . .

Arizona POV

Upon entering my office, I sat on the couch taking a much-needed respite before going home; I was exhausted. My eyes were closing rapidly, but suddenly opened when a soft knock on the door pulled me out of the fog.

I waited for the second knock, and when this didn't happen, my eyes, which were fixed on the door, slid to a paper that appeared under the door. I stared at it in wonder before I went to pick it up... and my heart almost froze... "Yes"... a simple word that meant the world to me, I knew it was her.

I quickly opened the door to see if Callie was still there, she wasn't, but it didn't bother me. I returned to my office, closed the door and leaned against it, my smile never leaving my face, waiting for my heart to calm down.

I don't know how long I stayed like that before I finally changed my clothes and grabbed my bag, leaving with a renewed attitude.

. . .

I walked slowly into the cold night, happily thinking about the note, it's as if all that was wrong disappeared instantly. It was at that moment that I noticed a beautiful woman lost in her thought sitting on a nearby bench a few meters ahead of me. I stopped and looked at her from afar. Was she waiting for me?

Unhurried, still looking at her, I walked towards her; I was just a few steps away when she finally noticed me.

We looked at each other and she smiled shyly as she got up, almost fearfully.

We stood staring at each other wordlessly, as if it was the first time we'd laid eyes on one another. The tension and anxiety made me tremble... and I didn't know what to say.

\- Cal... -

\- Ariz... -

We spoke at the same time and smiled awkwardly. She gestured for me to go first.

\- God! I'm nervous. - She looks at me tenderly. - I... - I look down and play with my hands, I'm shaking, but I look up again. - Thanks... I'm so sorry... for everything... I really want... I need you to forgive me... because I hurt you... - I take a breath. - I have no justification for what came out of my mouth that day... I made a mistake... and you have no idea how much I needed you to just hear me out... to forgive me... - She interrupted me.

\- Arizona... I'm sorry too... for everything... for my behaviour, for not giving you chance to explain. I was hurt, I can't deny it, but we all make mistakes... I just hope that this won't happen again... because it was hard to be away from you. - She smiles.

\- Yeah, it was horrible... - I reach out briefly touching her arm, before pulling away instantly and instead tuck my hair behind ear in an attempt to keep my hands busy. It was barely a graze, but an electrical shock went right through me... I can't believe what this woman makes me.

I smiled and she smiled back.

I looked at her and she met my gaze unwaveringly.

Silently, we met each other in the middle, arms wrapped around each other.

A comfortable embrace, almost like a homecoming, a hug that I didn't want to end...

I missed her.

I can smell the scent of her perfume, and inhaled deeply trying to keep this familiar scent with me. I feel her breath tickling my neck, and I know that there is no better feeling in this world that this feeling right here.

We parted nervously, smiling shyly. Everything felt right again, and I know it's going to take some time for everything to be like it used to be, but this was a start... things felt well despite everything that had happened.

\- I have to go. - My heart sank at her words; I didn't want this moment to end. – I've had a long day, and I haven't eaten since this morning.

\- It's okay... I guess I'll see you around? - Silence.

\- Yeah, I'll see you later... – She turns to leave, but then turns back - Would you… Would you like to join me? - My heart jumps at her request.

\- Yeah, I'd like that very much. – I answer immediately, without fear that she'd think I'd have ulterior motives; she smiles and nods to my answer.

\- Okay then... let's go? - I can feel her nervousness, I'm glad to know that it's not just me.

\- Sure let's go.

This day couldn't have ended any better; I honestly feel that everything will be fine.

. . .

\- (October 5, 2013) -

Callie POV

These days I'm constantly plagued with indecipherable feelings... anxiety, expectation, nervousness, but isn't a bad thing, it's just something I would like to leave behind because I can't understand it.

Arizona invited me to dinner, and isn't something we haven't done before, but it's the first time we've gone out since we had our argument. I knew that things wouldn't just magically go back to the way the were before and the ease that has always existed between us needed some time, but sometimes I feel that the two of us were walking on eggshells, afraid to make a mistake; and I want it to end.

. . .

The road to the restaurant was very peaceful, and silent. Arizona kept her gaze straight ahead, focused on the road; and I was lost in my thoughts looking through the window. Occasionally we looked at each other, and smiled.

In the restaurant, soft music played and the lights were dim, it made the place look quite cosy, but everything, like in the car, was filled with nervousness, stolen glances and clumsy smiles. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it was unusual when our interactions have always been so casual and natural.

Our food arrived and we enjoyed our dinner in silence, but I wanted that that invisible connection that had always been between us to take strength again.

. . .

\- So? What do you think of the place? - She took a small sip of wine, and I silently thanked her attempt to break the ice.

\- Excellent, I've never been here before

\- I've been here once, with... - She stops, scratching her head awkwardly, and I smiled at her.

\- Melissa... - I answer casually, this is a great way to break the silence, and I laugh to myself.

\- Mm... Yep... - She gets nervous, the last thing I wanted was talk about Melisa, but I conceded.

\- And... How is she? - I turn my gaze to my plate.

\- I don't know... I guess she's fine. - She says with an air of uncomfortable nonchalance.

\- Sorry, I didn't mean to pry.

\- No, that's fine... it's just... – I watched her curiously. - We're not together anymore... and I don't want to talk about it. –

I'm surprised to hear that, it feels as though I've missed out on so much in her life recently. – I'm sorry. - I didn't know what else to say.

\- Don't be, it's fine, it was my decision. – It's almost as if she can read the questions in my mind, because she keeps talking. - I broke up with her almost a month ago... – Silence. – I haven't been with anyone since... - She looks at me and takes a deep breath. - You've taken up most of the time in my life lately... - She smiles shyly.

\- Yeah, apparently a lot has happened in the last month. - She looks at me curiously.

\- And you, Calliope? - Wow! It's been so long time since I've heard anyone call me that. – How's your month been? Anything new to tell? - I know what she's asking, I can see it in her eyes.

\- What? No... Mm... It's pretty much just been work. What else could happen? - She laughs.

\- You could do many other things, Calliope... - she smiles. - Work isn't everything.

\- Well, I'm not working now, and I don't need much more than this. - Why did I say that? - I mean... - She interrupted me.

\- I understand, I feel the same... the last time was horrible... all I wanted was to have you in my life again... to just hang out, talk... –

\- You stole the words right out of my mouth. -

Silence.

\- I missed you... - She tells me softly, smiling sadly.

\- I missed you too... – I admitted honestly.

I knew then that everything would fall into place in due time, and it's all I needed to know to feel my heart be at peace again. They say that the eyes are the windows to our souls, and I agree with that wholeheartedly, because no matter how much is said between us, I know that I'll always be able to see the truth in her eyes.

. . .


	15. Chapter 15

.

\- (October 18, 2013) -

Arizona POV

We rarely stop to appreciate the details that life presents us, because we are caught up, unwittingly, in the day to day hustle.

I was guilty of living like that, but it wasn't always so. The death of my brother caused so many changes in me. I'd locked myself away, and all I wanted was to get away from the world; there was no point anymore, my brother, my best friend, was gone.

It was a very difficult time for me and I started having problems with my girlfriend, the only relationship I'd had before Melissa. She couldn't give me the support I needed, and it only got worse when I found out that she was cheating on me. It was hard, but I felt more anger than sadness, my heart wasn't broken; I was just disappointed that she'd broken my trust.

It was then that I'd decided it was enough, and left Hopkins. I needed to start again, a change of air would be nice, and my calling was clearly in Washington.

That's where I met Teddy, and we became friends. I devoted everything to my work, and I began to be recognized by the world. I met new people, and I enjoyed the moment. I was always looking for easy and casual, and I got used to my new life.

I began to deal with the death of my brother, and little by little I began to feel good again. I was there for a couple of years, until Teddy, who had taken over as the Head of Cardio at Seattle Grace just a year previously, told me of a great opportunity for my career.

Then, Seattle was my new horizon. Little did I know that it wasn't only an opportunity for my career, it was also a chance for my heart to heal again.

This is where the life that I'd gotten used to had changed. This is where I met Calliope.

We became friends and even though she struggled with her own problems, she was a wonderful person, and my heart succumbed to her, and the barriers that I had built so high and strong fell crumbling down in pieces.

That's when I began to appreciate all the small things that the life gave me once again, the things I'd stopped paying attention to. It was as if something had been unlocked in me.

Today, I was able to enjoy the simple gestures and actions. Sounds, images, and smells, it brought back sensations that were previously lost to me.

I could now enjoy something as simple as the gentle brush of the wind against my face, the sound the rain tapping against the windows, the smell wet earth that reminded me of my childhood with my brother... the sound of Callie as her laughter resonates in the room, the way her eyes sparkle when she smiles...

I smiled, Calliope, my thoughts always come to her... her mere presence fills me with warmth.

I'd know that I had feelings for Calliope a long time ago, but I kept it hidden deep inside me, and it was the worst thing I could have done, because rapidly overtook me and it put our friendship at risk.

But I didn't understand what my feelings really meant, until I'd talked to Mark, and he opened my eyes to many things.

It was then I realized what I really wanted. Mark had said that I should figure out what I wanted first, and when that happened, I would be able to focus on what really mattered. I wanted Calliope and I was finally able to put my heart on the line for her.

I had decided was going to get her friendship back, work on what had broken, and when the time came, I would be honest about my feelings for her. But first, I had to end things with Melissa. I hadn't seen her since my argument with Callie, because I couldn't, and I didn't want her near me. I only saw her almost two weeks later, to end our relationship.

I haven't been with anyone since August, nearly two months ago, and I don't want anyone, but Calliope. The finality of that though is quite shocking, but it's true. There is no one that can affect me as Callie does. Sometimes I feel the she reciprocates my feelings, but I think she's struggling with what she feels.

Gradually the normality between us returns, there's flirtations, glances, sly touches, and I know that she is not indifferent to that, because I can feel her nervousness, and I love it.

I can say that confidence has been restored, and we are in a good place again. That makes me happy, in a way I haven't experienced before, and I don't want it to end.

Calliope makes me happy, it doesn't matter how she's in my life, that important thing is that she's there. However I refuse to ignore my feelings for her anymore, instead I intend to fight for them.

\- Hey! What's up? – Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear, the person of my thoughts appears next to me.

\- Nothing in particular, I'm just taking a break. - She sits beside me on the couch.

\- I was looking for you... What time do you finish?

\- In an hour, why?

\- No particular reason... well ... it's just that I'm done... and I feel like doing something...

\- What did you have in mind, Calliope? - I ask as I narrowed my eyes curiously.

\- Mmm... I just want to ... go out?... I don't know to be honest... I just want to relax. - She looks a little discouraged.

\- You okay?

\- Yeah, I'm fine.

\- Are you sure? - I ask again, knowing her well enough by now.

\- Yeah... well... I've had a few things on my mind for some time. - She looks at her hands.

\- Do you want to talk about it? - She sighs deeply, and I put my arm on the back of the sofa, turning to look at her.

\- I have to make some decisions... - She moves her head in circles, cracking her neck and sighing in relief.

\- Decisions about what?

\- Some things I had with Laura... - She looks at me. - I'm fine, it's just...

\- You want to tell me?

\- I've been thinking of what to do with some properties that we had... I'm not using them, and I'm not renting it out, I don't have to take care of it, and its probably not worth much now... and I think that's not what Laura would have wanted... especially the beach house... - She sighs. - I wasn't in the right frame of mind to be thinking about any of those things after her death, and I think it is time to put some things in order now.

\- Well that's a great thing, and a decision you shouldn't make lightly.

\- Mm... yes... - She leans her head back and looks at the ceiling. – Sometimes, I want to go back to the beach house, but I don't know if it'll be a good idea, going back there... there are too many... – she trials off into silence.

\- Memories? - She turns her head to look at me and gives me a small smile. - You know what? We should go somewhere else, this isn't really the appropriate place to be talking about this, just let me grab my things and we can head out. - Her smile is wider now, but still with some nostalgia.

. . .

\- How did we get here? - She asks me curiously.

\- You didn't tell me what you wanted to do, and this is a good place to relax, to think. Sometimes I come to this park to just sit here... I love how the moon reflects on the lake, the sound the leaves of the trees make when the wind hits it, or when the cold breeze brushes my face... it's quiet... and not many people come at this hour. - I look at her, and she's watching me with a smile. - Just relax and enjoy.

We are sitting very close to each other; she has both hands grabbing the bench, her body leaning forward, and back straight. I can feel the tension in her body, and the fight that plagues her mind. Wanting to ease some of her troubles, I put my hand on hers. - Relax Calliope, just breathe, and enjoy the tranquillity. - Unwittingly my thumb starts to rub her hand, and I feel her begin to slowly relax. An almost imperceptible smile appears, she tilts her head, looking down, and takes a big breath, closing her eyes for a moment.

\- Thank you. - She raises her head and sets her sights on the lake. I continued stroking her hand, turning to look at her.

\- There's nothing to thank... - I smile at her.

\- Yes there is, because just being with you makes me feel better. I can forget about everything, because you know perfectly how to reassure me. - She keeps watching the lake.

\- It's not like it's a big sacrifice, I like making you feel better.

In the silence, our eyes meet. I give her a little smile, and she lowers her gaze for a moment to our hands, and slowly returns to my eyes. I tilted my head to one side in question, and she sighs deeply.

I lean in and slowly push a lock of her hair behind her ear. I feel her watching me, but I keep my gaze on my own actions.

I turn my eyes to hers, lightly smiling as I take in her lips and her eyes... slowly I start moving towards her, making sure she knows she can stop this at any time, and when she does nothing, I lean closer, more and more, so slowly it's almost torturous.

Our lips are barely millimetres apart, and just the slightest movement and we would be touching. I rub my nose with hers, I have the intention of taking her lips, but make a final detour to her cheek instead... and I stay there, a moment, wanting to regain control of myself... It takes all of the willpower I have to not kiss her. Because I really want to, and I know that she wants it too, but I can feel her fear... so I slowly start to pull away from her and our eyes meet again.

\- Sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean to... – I trail off when I see the sadness reflected in her eyes as she watches me. When she looks away I lower my gaze to meet hers, but she avoids me. I take her chin lightly and lifted it. She looks at me, and I give a smile. - What's the matter? – She closes her tearful eyes and shakes her head. Did I cause that? I raised my other hand to her face, wiping the tears gently with my thumbs. - Look at me. - She doesn't open her eyes. - Calliope, please, look at me. - I say softly, and she finally opens her eyes. - Tell me what's going on, please... - She shakes her head adamantly.

\- I... - She breathes heavily. - I...

\- Calliope, tell me... - She rests her head against my cheek as she struggles with her tears.

\- I want to... but I can't... I... - She pauses, and we fall into silence; I didn't want to push her.

She straightens up, and I wonder myself what it is that she wants... but I say nothing, I just place a soft kiss on her cheek. It's late, maybe the day has caught up with her and she's confused with all the thoughts going through her head, maybe it's better to just call it a day.

\- I think we should go, it's a litt... – I'm cut off as her lips meet mine, just simply pressing them together, nothing more... soon she pulls back and looks at me.

I'm completely surprised, and my heart speeds up; she's nervous, but also expectant... and I decide to risk it... I approach her slowly, watching her eyes for any signs of regret, and I kissed her delicately, just for a few moments before I pulled away.

It was a short and innocent kiss, but full of meaning. I smiled apologetically, but she takes me by the neck and kisses me again.

The dance of our lips remains delicate, breaths mixing, pausing, lips millimetres apart, mouths open... tongues timidly asking permission in a game, advancing and retreating, until finally colliding... and an electrical surge runs through me.

I feel complete, as if I could spend the rest of my life this way, and I want more, but I know it's not the time. I keep my momentum and beginning to slow the kiss. We parted, and I watch her again... there is fear, uncertainty and hope... a mixture of emotions.

\- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that... - I look at her and cocked my head.

\- Don't be, it's okay, these things happen.

\- Arizona...

\- You don't need to say anything. It isn't necessary. - She looks at me and we fall into silence. I feel it's time to tell her how I feel. - Look, I want you to know that you're someone very important to me. We're friends and I want to remain so, but I need you to know that... I have feelings for you, Calliope - She looks at me sadly.

\- Arizona, I don't... - I put a finger to her lips gently.

\- I know you don't feel the same way, but I wanted you to know. I'll still be here for you, in however way you want me.

\- I don't know what's wrong with me. - Silence – What I did isn't right. I don't want to hurt you... God, I'm a mess... - I smiled.

\- Don't worry, you're not hurting me, I'm a big girl. - I take a deep breath, get up and extend my hand to her. She looks at me and takes it curiously. - I think it's time to go. It's getting late. - She smiles, but I still feel the guilt radiating off of her. - You know what? I'm hungry. Let's go to that pizza place we went to the other day? - I refuse to let her withdraw and walk away from me. There is nothing wrong with a kiss, especially when there's no one but us around.

As we make our way through the park, I can't stop smiling. The wind blew against Callie's loose hair... as she struggles to keep it under control. My braids make it easy for me to enjoy the scene in silence, and she glares at me threateningly, but I can't help myself, and neither can she... our laughter echoes through the night...

She relaxes instantly... those little things that we sometimes overlook is what helps us feel better.

There are so many details that I can no longer allow to escape unnoticed, I can now let myself believe that I deserve this, and I have the rest of my life to enjoy it.

I smile, I just have to be patient... but today? It's been one of the best I've had yet.

. . .


	16. Chapter 16

_*Read the chapter 14 first, I've uploaded 3._

Thank you all for reading, for each reviews, follows, favs and pm.

Shinata-Riyoko thanks for your work!

* * *

\- (October 26, 2013) -

Callie POV

I have a lot on my mind lately, and I don't know which direction to go. Determining what to do with the properties that I had with Laura is one of those things. I want to put everything in order, because I'm finally ready to deal with it, it's still difficult, but no longer paralyzing. When I think about Laura, I can accept the fact that she's gone, but I still miss her.

Sometimes I think I could rebuild my life, but then I see it simply impossible because I had committed the rest of my life to her, and if I fall in love again, it would break that.

But I've thought about sex again, as something that I miss and need, and that didn't happen before, even when I was using it as medicine for oblivion. Now I think about it, and finding someone to share the physical connection, without there being feelings doesn't make me feel sick anymore.

I've met people, but no one makes me want them like that... although... yes... there is a _one_ person... Arizona... but it can never happen.

I've wondered why this is so contradictory with Arizona. If think about sex with someone else, it doesn't make me feel sick anymore... Yet why does the thought of taking things further with Arizona make my stomach twist with knots?

The other day I kissed her because I wanted to, but I ended up overwhelmed, it was just a kiss, and it wasn't that I didn't like it, I think I liked it _too much_.

But I don't know what to do with everything, I'm confused with my feelings, and I don't want to hurt her in the end. Arizona told me she has feelings for me, and the fact that she is not with Melissa anymore brought some sort of inexplicable joy to me, but even so, I don't want her in the middle of my mental disaster.

That's why I decided to go to Joe's after I finished my shift. I've rarely come without Arizona, but today I needed some space. Maybe I needed to surround myself with people who didn't work at the hospital, and expanding my social circle would be good, or at least that's what I told myself before left.

That's how I found myself sitting at the bar, drinking a non-alcoholic drink with the intention of clearing my mind. I smiled at my own thoughts; all I'd been thinking is that maybe a sexual encounter wouldn't hurt me.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry at this need that is slowly accumulating in me, but I know that sexual needs is natural, and there is nothing wrong with our body for wanting it.

Maybe my judgment was clouded by my thoughts. I'm not sure what really brought me here anymore.

I feel very nervous, and clumsy, it's been so long since I've been out like this, and I think I'm rusty. It's the first time I've done this with all my senses in order, when I've reached an agreement with myself, when I feel I can finally take a step without feeling like I betrayed my heart.

What am I doing? I laugh at myself, I don't even know. Because apparently the conversation I'm having with myself is all I'm getting tonight. The years haven't passed in vain, and I am far from drawing someone's attention. The truth is that this must have been the worst idea I've ever had. Why did I think this'd be a good idea?

\- Are you waiting for someone? - A voice interrupted my conversation with my inner self, but I'm still immersed in my thoughts, I always have such bad ideas and I smiled. This conversation could have been on my sofa, I didn't need to come here.

\- Are you alone? - The voice asks again, I glance sideways to see a very attractive woman. IS she talking to me? I look on both sides, and seeing no one, I answer.

\- Yes. - I laugh at my one worded answer; great start Callie.

\- You look like you're miles away... Are you okay? - I don't know why I'm suddenly so clumsy. Isn't this what I wanted? I don't necessarily have to leave this place with her, it can just be a conversation, besides no one said she's interested in me... damn! I won't get very far with thinking like this.

\- I'm fine; you just caught me by surprise. - I smile at her with as much confidence as I can muster.

. . .

After a while, we found ourselves absorbed in a rather pleasant conversation. I've laughed and enjoyed her coquetry.

\- Would you like to go somewhere else? - She looks at me intensely, and smiled at me. I'm nervous. This is what I wanted, right?

\- Where to? - I speak, smiling nervously as bring the glass to my lips.

\- It depends on what you want to do. I know where I'd like to take you, but I don't know if it's what you want. - Wow! She's bold.

\- And... How would you know what I want? - She leans in and speaks directly into my ear, softly, and very slowly.

\- I think I know what you want and... - She pauses; her breath sends a shiver that I can't control. She leans back to look at me and speaks again. - And I know what to do to... - She doesn't get the chance to finish what she was going to say anything, as we're startled by a voice from behind her.

. . .

\- I called you, why didn't you tell me you were here? I was worried.

It's Arizona and her voice sounds a little harsh. How much did she see? I look at the woman next to me, I don't even know her name, and she looks back at me with frown, trying to figure out who Arizona is.

I scratch my head, I don't know what to say, I feel like I've been caught doing something I shouldn't, but that's stupid, there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. But I think the woman sees my confusion, my nervousness and possible guilt at Arizona's appearance, and misreads the situation.

\- I think I better go, I didn't mean to cause any trouble. I hope you have a good night. - She says a little upset. Did she think that Arizona was my girlfriend, and I was cheating on her?

\- Yeah, goodnight... - I whisper bemusedly. They both seem upset, but I haven't done anything wrong. Maybe I should just give up on women, men are less complicated.

I don't know what to do, should I be upset with Arizona? I turn back to the counter and Arizona sits next to me. She doesn't look very happy. I didn't mean to hurt her, I just wanted to clear my mind. I didn't think she'd be here tonight.

\- I can see why you didn't answer me now. - Arizona breaks my thoughts with her voice full of sarcasm.

\- What?

She breathed deeply, trying to calm her mood. - Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt... - She looks away and seems to shrink into her seat.

\- Hey! It's okay. We were just talking. - I try to appease her, although she has no right to behave as she did.

\- I didn't know you were dating again.

\- What? No, we just met... I don't even know her name. - Why do I feel the need to explain? Arizona reluctantly laughs.

\- Seriously? You don't know her name, and you almost left with her? - Silent. - I'm sorry, it's none of my business... you can do whatever you want. – Is she jealous?

\- I wasn't going to go anywhere. I was just having a good time. My mind has been all over the place... - I pause, preferring to change the subject. - Why were you calling me? - She looks at me, takes a deep breath and takes a sip from my glass, grimacing at the taste. I smiled; I guess she wanted something alcoholic then. - Do you want a drink? - She nods, and I call the bartender.

\- No particular reason, I had surgery after surgery today, and just wanted to do something... you didn't answer my calls or messages and I was worried... I figured you'd be here... – Silence. - Why didn't you tell me? I could have come with you. - I smiled a little embarrassed

\- I don't know. I just left, and then I was here... I needed to think, and maybe to be alone for a while...

\- I understand, I'm probably suffocating you, no wonder you need space. - I laugh.

\- You're not, and you know that I love spending time with you, but ... I just needed a moment … alone.

\- Oh, I should probably go then. I'm sorry I scared your conquest. - She's getting up from her seat and I put a hand on her shoulder.

\- Don't go, you're not bothering me, and she didn't mean anything. I already told you... Please stay... - She looks at me and nods.

Arizona is the person whom I feel the most comfortable with, and like it or not, I don't care about the woman from before... and the truth is I'm not even upset.

But wasn't that why I came here to begin with? I laugh.

I should have just called Arizona. A girl's night with my best friend is all I needed.

. . .

Arizona POV

I finished my shift and all I wanted was to go to Joe's with Callie, I'd had a long day and needed to relax. I called and sent messages, but received no response. After all that's been in her head lately, I thought I might find her there already.

Walking into the bar I saw her, but froze when I notice a woman at her side... Was she on a date? Why didn't she tell me?

I watched from afar, and it hurt my stomach when I saw how they interacted, they were flirting, and that woman... I could see what her intention was even from where I was standing. What if she was overstepping with Callie? Maybe I should intervene... No, Callie looked very comfortable... Would she leave with that woman? When did she start dating again?

I had decided to leave the bar, I could watch this anymore, but as soon as I started to move, I don't know what got into my head, but I was moving towards her... I didn't think, just acted.

They were very close when I spoke, Callie jumped and turned around, I couldn't determine her expression, and she seemed confused by my presence. But after a few words, the other woman said something and left.

I couldn't believe what I had done, and I knew it was selfish of me. I had no right to interrupt the way I did... but I couldn't bear the idea of Callie with someone else.

I behaved like a jealous and possessive girlfriend, but it wasn't conscious thing. I knew that my behaviour was wrong. I didn't have that right.

But after a discouraging start, things started to improve throughout the course of the evening.

. . .

Callie POV

Any discomfort that existed between us at the beginning of night was rapidly forgotten and, as always, we fell into easy conversation, and enjoyed our time together. My mind had eased, and I could see some things with a better perspective.

\- Have you already what you're going to do with everything?

\- Nope, not yet... I thought about going out there, maybe ask for a few days at work... maybe it won't be as difficult as I'd imagined, a lot of time has passed.

\- You want some company? - Company? For what? She laughs, as if she could read the confusion on my face. - I mean if you want me to go with you... You know... if you don't want to go alone, I can go with you... I guess it wouldn't hurt if I took a few days to get away from here. - She smiles shyly. - But only if you want, it's okay if you'd prefer to go alone... I'd understand... it was just an idea ... Mmm, a very bad idea... forget it! I think it's the worst idea I've ever had ... - I smiled at her adorable rambling.

\- Hey, it's okay, calm down… It might not be such a bad idea after all.

\- Of course.

. . .

We talked about everything and anything. Time passed without us realizing it, and when we decided to end the night, it was already after 2 am.

\- I'll see you later, Calliope... I had a very pleasant evening.

\- Yeah... - I smiled, it's true. - You know what? No, you're not going anywhere. You're stay with me tonight, it's far too late for you to walk home alone.

\- Okay, you know I'll never say no to you, Calliope. - I laugh at how easy it was to convince her.

. . .

Upon entering my apartment, Arizona followed me straight to the bedroom. I lent her a shirt and shorts to sleep in. She always slept in the other room, so she took the clothes and started to leave. But I didn't want to be alone, not tonight, not after the day I'd had, and I always felt better with her around.

\- Hey, wait. Stay. My bed is big enough for both of us, and I don't feel tired yet.

\- It's late, are you sure? - I nod. - Ok, I'll change in the bathroom.

. . .

We took turns to get ready and got into bed, and what, at first seemed a great idea, now seemed like a terrible idea.

I wasn't sleepy before, but with Arizona here, sleep would definitely be impossible now. Especially with how I'd been feeling today; I had thought a lot about her, about Laura, my life, and well... I'd thought a lot about sex... therefore, it was something that was still running in my head.

Dammit, definitely a terrible, _horrible_ idea!

\- Will you tell me why you went to the bar alone? – Arizona's voice breaks my thoughts, and I turn to her, resting my head on one of my hands; she is looking at the ceiling.

\- Mmm... I already told you, I needed to think. - She turns to me, shifting the pillow under her head, leaving her hands close to herself.

\- Why do I have the impression that there's something else? - I smiled, she knows me so well.

\- I don't know, I wanted... maybe to socialize with other people... - She raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. - I don't know, mmm... I've also thought of some other things that have left me a little... _restless_. - I feel a little warmth in my cheeks.

\- What kind of things?

\- Mmmm ... I'm not sure if I want to talk about it.

\- I thought we talked about everything, and that we could confide in each other?

\- Yes, but this is different.

\- Why?

\- Why indeed...

\- What is it? Laura?

\- Yes... and no... - She looks at me a little disappointed, but I can't tell her that she has been in my mind recurrently too.

\- So?

\- Why are you so insistent? - I watch her silently, and resign myself to tell the truth. - It's just that… I've been thinking lot … about... sex... and how long it's been since I've been with someone. - I take a breath. - The truth is, my body has been feeling an urge, so to speak. It didn't happen to me before, but I think it is normal... A lot of time has passed, and Laura is no longer... and well, I'm only human...

. . .

Arizona POV

\- _This_ is what you meant when you said you wanted to rebuild your life? - This can't be happening.

\- No, no... I haven't gone that far... I mean it's only sex... I think I've reached an agreement with myself in that sense, and what happened to me with Laura... I always thought that being with someone else was betraying her... but I think I might be ready for that, I'm just talking about the physical part, and I think that's not a problem... or at least I think so. - Only sex, wow!

\- And why you didn't want to tell me how you felt? There's nothing wrong with wanting... it. It's normal.

\- I don't know... It's not a problem talking about sex with you... maybe a little embarrassing. –

\- Is that what you wanted tonight? It is that why you were alone? - I don't want to know, why am I asking?

\- Sort of, and maybe at first I had that idea, but I don't think I would have gone through with it; maybe I was just testing myself.

\- I'm sorry I ruined your plans. - I felt disappointed, and a little sad... why is she looking elsewhere, when I'm right here?

\- Don't be, I told you I didn't care... it was stupid. - She noticed that something was wrong, and approaches me, placing her hand on my arm.

We stay in silence just watching each other. The street lamp shining through the blinds is the only source of light the room. I feel intoxicated by the darkness and the feeling of her hand. All I want is to kiss her again.

I would give her all of that and more, but I don't know if it will ever be possible, maybe I'll have to settle for friendship?

\- I think we should try to sleep... it's late... - She tells me whilst staring at me, and I see something in her eyes... Maybe it's the lighting? Or could it be that she's thinking the same as me?

\- Yeah. - That's all I say.

Neither of the two has moved from our position, keeping eye contact for a moment longer. Until she closes her eyes... it's hard having her so close...

. . .

Callie POV

I had to close my eyes; I couldn't keep looking at her without the thought of kissing her running through my mind. Why did I tell her what I was thinking of?

My body vibrates at her proximity, I know it's normal, it's part of life, but don't want it to be with her, not like this, but I guess our conversation has increased this urge.

I can still feel her watching me, even with my eyes closed, but gradually the fatigue wins, and I lose myself to sleep.

. . .

When I open my eyes, it's still dark. I move a little in bed, and I feel a body behind me. Arizona is against my back, her bare leg tangled with mine, and one of her hands resting on my hip, this is the reason for my awakening.

Is there anyone who'd not be affected by this?

I want to get out of bed, I need a moment away from her, and I'm trying to move carefully when Arizona peeks out from behind my shoulder, without move away her legs, or her hand.

\- Where are you going?

\- I just need a little water. - She moves behind me, it seems as though she is still in the fog of sleep, because she's not the slightest bit affected by our position, or maybe she doesn't care? I give up, I can't move, and even though I want get out of here, it's a lost cause, completely hopeless... Arizona has wrapped herself around me and doesn't appear to be moving away any time soon.

\- You're tense. - Arizona speaks to me slowly.

\- What? No, I'm fine. - Well, that's not entirely true.

She moves her hand to my arm, and starts running her nails upward and down, I feel my skin bristling. - You should relax. - She speaks slowly, the same pace as her tracing her nails across my skin.

\- Arizona... – This isn't helping at all, its only making me tenser, and apparently affecting my ability to speak.

\- Mmmm - Is her only answer as she unravels our legs and she repositions her body so her mouth is against my neck.

\- What... What are you... doing? - I'm struggling with words, but she says nothing.

She simply lowers her hand down my side, from the waist to the hip, and reaches my thighs, which are covered only in short pyjamas, gently running her nails against the skin there. She opens her hand, climbs and descends, exchanging between soft touches and nails grazing on my skin... I feel numb.

Unintentionally, driven by the increasing arousal growing inside me, I pressed against her, hitting her pelvis. An almost imperceptible moan comes out of her and her hand moves to my inner thigh... close, so very close to where I really want her to be.

None of us speak, and our breaths are heavy.

My pulse quickens, faster and faster.

I want to touch her.

Then... fearful to break the spell...

I slowly brought my hand back to reach her legs, and ran my fingers against them with an almost ghostlike touch. I feel her skin bristling as she lets out a sigh, and her breath hits my neck... I move subtly against her.

Arizona, in an attempt to contain her excitement, buries her nose in my neck and freezes... then suddenly, she moves her hand to my hip and pushes her pelvis against me.

She begins to kiss my neck... trailing up to my ear and back again, and automatically my head moves to give her more space. Encouraged by the sensations she's provoking in me, I move my hand behind her neck to urge her to continue... my mouth opens, but I quickly bite my lip before any noise could escape.

I'm completely turned on, my body reacting powerfully to Arizona, and I know I'm not the only one...

How do I stop? I know I shouldn't go any further with her...

\- Calliope... – The way she says my name causes shivers to run down my body. - Turn around. - My body is no longer listening to me, because no matter how much I say no, it turns.

Arizona's body lies on half of my own body, with one leg between mine. She looks at me with dark, glassy eyes, filled with desire... there are also questions in them, many... But... God! This feels so good, but I can't... I don't want to hurt her.

\- Arizona - She leans forward and runs her nose against my cheeks as I speak. - I... no... I can't do this... - My words aren't consistent with my actions because I can't resist grabbing her hips, and pulling her against me... Damn it! That feels really good... but... - Arizona, please... no, I can't... plea...

\- Why not? Your body... your hands... your reactions, everything... is telling me something else... - She doesn't stop tracing her hands on my legs. - It's what you want, it's what you were looking for tonight... Why don't you just let it happen?

\- Not this way... I don't want to use you for that... - She stops moving, and looks at me. - Arizona, you're too important to me, I don't want to hurt you, or ruin our friendship for this... and you have no idea how I want continue... because it good feels... really good... - My body speaks for me, as my pelvis pushes up looking for friction... she closes her eyes, opens her mouth and lets out a groan. Wow! That vision is wonderful, but... I must find my willpower. - All I want is to let myself go... but I can't do that to you, I can't use you like this, you deserve better... I can't hurt you with... I'm confused... with a thousand things in my head... and... I can't... I'm sorry... - I try to level my breath, and clench my jaw seeking control.

. . .

Arizona POV

My mind was playing with me, I didn't know if what I felt was real, or if it was just one of the many other dreams I had experienced.

The confidence that propelled me to starting... _this_ , was what convinced me that this was a dream... because waking up with my legs entangled with Callie's, asking her to stay, and then to have her under me, it seemed unreal.

The feeling that led me to that was something I couldn't avoid, even if something was screaming at me to stop, my mind and my body wouldn't listen, especially not since I could feel Callie react to every touch and subtle caress.

Was it a dream anymore?

That was the question in my mind, but when our eyes met in the darkness, I knew it was real... because I had never had I seen her eyes like this, not even in my wildest dreams.

But then when I felt that no one could stop what was about to happen, her words alerted me... but with my clouded mind, unable or unwilling to understand, I tried to convince her to continue, because her actions and reactions convinced me that she wanted this as much as I did.

\- I don't care, I want this too... I know what this means... you're not taking advantage of me if that's what you think. -

\- Do you really think we can have sex and then go on as if nothing happened? - It was then that the mist let me see, and I knew how real it was. Her words had cleared my mind at once, and I forced my body to calm down whilst trying to process.

\- I don't know. – My mind was still hazy, but I understood what she meant... Even so, the desire was still there and, in frustration, I buried my face in her neck.

\- Arizona, you are so beautiful, so wonderful... and God! You are hot... very hot ... - I smiled against her neck. - And believe me when I tell you that I don't _want_ to stop, because you make everything feel spectacular... but... - She urges me to lift my face and look at her. - You don't deserve this, I can't give you more... I want to do it... seriously ... but I can't... and I want you in my life... and I know that if this happens, things won't be the same anymore... - She speaks carefully, with respect, and without making this into a huge issue, but I feel like I was guilty of leading us to this point.

\- Calliope, I'm so sorry, I didn't...

\- Hey! Don't be, everything that happened was incredible... but we can't let ourselves get carried away like this... I know that you understand... and I'm not annoyed, I couldn't be annoyed! - She makes a few gestures with her face, and smiled at me. – It's impossible to be annoyed with you, not when you almost made me lose my head like this. - We both smiled.

\- You're not going to help me calm down, if you keep talking like that. - I am neither annoyed nor uncomfortable... we still don't move from the position we're in, but the moment has passed now.

I'm able to understand what she's telling me, and in her words I feel her fear. She is struggling, and trying to understand what is going on with her life, and I haven't helped much today.

What is she doing to me?

In another time I would have run, I have never been rejected... but here I am... after we almost had sex... we are looking at each other, and talking honestly... in tranquillity... and despite everything that happened, Calliope has managed to ease the guilt I felt.

God! I think I'm falling hard for this woman... with her attitude, with her way of acting. Because even though she could have taken advantage of the opportunity, she took my feelings into consideration, and how I might feel about what was happening.

\- What now? - I ask her, as I pull myself off her body to her side, watching her.

\- Maybe we should try to sleep the rest of what remains of the night? - She looks at me tenderly. - I know it will be difficult, but we can do it. - She kisses my forehead.

\- Yeah, good night... - I roll towards the edge of the bed, and she looks at me with a smile.

\- Is it necessary to get so far away from me? - There is a smile on her face that l don't know how decipher. – Come back, please? - I laugh and approach. We face each other, lying on our side, interlacing one of our hands, and our feet touching

\- This okay? - I ask tentatively. I love how she's taking things, how this doesn't feel uncomfortable, I know now that we can move on from any situation.

\- Yes, that's better.

Although everything is complex, and my body is still burning, I can't feel bad about it. We stayed there, eyes locked, for I don't know how long, until finally a thick haze begins to appear in my eyes, and I knew no more.

. . .

Callie POV

I don't know how much time passed before Arizona closed her eyes. She is so beautiful, even more so when she sleep, where she looks the most peaceful and innocent. It was hard to get my mind into the right place, but I can't stop thinking that I did the right thing; she has feelings for me, and that is too important to ignore.

I'm afraid, before I didn't understand why, nor why my conflicting feelings toward Arizona. Today, I think I understood something... I'm afraid because with her, I feel like I'm ready to move on Laura.

Thinking about sex, with any other person doesn't feel bad, because it means nothing. But I'm beginning to understand, that I feel something more for Arizona... something that catches me, that seduces me... something I don't know recognise ... or maybe I do know... but am just afraid to admit.

And that's why it scares me, because I'm beginning to believe that she's the one with whom I could betray the promise I'd made to Laura to love her always, and I'm afraid of forgetting her, afraid she'll be disappointed with me. But above all, I'm afraid to love again, and afraid of losing... because I don't think I'd be able to handle that again.

Between the thoughts that come and go in my mind tonight, I'm finally swept into the land of dreams... there will be time to think more later.

. . .


	17. Chapter 17

Shinata-Riyoko thanks for your work! You are the best!

* * *

\- (November 4, 2013) -

Callie POV

When the night falls, when there is no one around, when the hustle of the day stops, when the lights don't light up anymore, when the sounds go off; that's when loneliness strikes, when it enters, weighs us down and disturbs. In the midst of darkness and silence, it's where we're shipwrecked in memories and drowned in stormy feelings.

My life has advanced and I'm in a better place; but that doesn't mean I doesn't have difficult days. And tonight, it's one of those nights. Where I walk between the pain of the past, and the dreams and yearnings of a different future.

My mind wanders between past and present events, and everything in my head is a great confusion. I seek answers, sometimes I think I find it and I have clarity, but immediately it becomes clouded once again.

I make recapitulations, and I think about everything I've experienced. The pain, guilt, anguish, despair and destruction; that was all a part of me. However, all those feelings that once clouded my reason, is no longer in me today.

Even so, sadness hits from time to time, when I think of Laura and Emily, and the life we might have had, and our future so tragically truncated.

Memories of happy times bring melancholy and longing. They are feelings that glide easily through the shadows; and making me want to run, to lose myself and disappear, because sometimes the loneliness rips my heart.

I close my eyes remembering Laura, and I miss the feeling of her hand in mine, when her eyes were able to calm my torments, and when her voice whispered calmness to my ear. Sometimes I get lost in that dream, but when I wake up I realize that is no longer real.

Then I go somewhere else, a place where I see my little Emily. I think about how old she'd be now, and I imagine myself playing with her, laughing with her and holding her.

Whenever she sneaks into my mind, tears come; there is no way to fill her absence and appease the sadness of her early death. But I also smile because I know that she's somewhere that I imagine is full of light and colour, where she has found peace and there is no pain.

When I close my eyes I can see her small eyes, her long lashes, and her tiny nose. I remember her calm face despite being at the worst moment of her life, and that's when I breathe again.

I breathe in the feeling I felt when I first saw her, and when I touched her small hands. But above all, I breathe in the feeling when she opened her eyes, the most miraculous moment she gave me.

Then I breathe in her smell, her memory, and her life... a life that was fleeting, but left a non-erasable mark on my heart.

And yes, I can also smile in the middle of sadness, with that strange tranquillity that I can have today. Because despite everything, more than a year after my life changed so drastically, I think I've come to terms with everything I've experienced.

. . .

There is sadness and loneliness, but in the midst of it there is tranquillity.

How can I explain that?

Perhaps it is simply life, in its eternal duality.

But here I am, pushing myself, constantly striving not to succumb to the negative feelings that threaten me, focusing on the good things I lived, and with hope for what is left to live.

Life was good for me, and I was satisfied.

But will I be happy again?

Every time I think about what my life could be on the personal plane, when I think about a future, I see loneliness.

I have very good friends, and close people, but they can't fill the emptiness that my heart faces on these nights. They make my life better, they make me smile, they are my anchors to the earth, they accompany me, they are supportive; but when night falls, all that disappears.

These nights become eternal debates amongst millions of different thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes, in the middle of everything, a breeze sneaks in, flashes of hope that cause fear; a hope that passes briefly, but vanishes as quickly as it comes.

Then I wonder, Can I leave the past behind, and create new memories? Will I be able to look forward, without the past stopping me?

Whenever these questions plague my mind lately, I am constantly reminded of Arizona. She, like a big gale, also breaks my nights, and sometimes I can almost feel as though the emptiness has disappeared.

We are in a good place; our friendship is solid and our trust absolute. However, there are things I keep from her. These nights and these feelings, is what I shy away from her, because this doesn't belong to anyone else. Besides, since she confessed her feelings for me, I've been even more confused.

. . .

It has been some time since we were so intimate, I thought for a moment that things would be uncomfortable, even though we'd talked about it, but everything was fine, as normal.

I haven't been able to get that moment out of my head, but since that day I've been very careful, and I have tried not to initiate anything that might take us there again; but its difficult.

The sexual tension between us has long been evident, it felt a thousand leagues away, and it was almost inevitable that that moment would come.

Maybe, it would have been easy to do it, but was it right?

I didn't stop because I didn't want to, because I didn't want her. I didn't stop because she didn't provoke anything in me, or because I didn't like what I felt. I did it because I didn't want to hurt her, because I respected and valued her too much. I stopped because I knew in the midst of my own confusion I could hurt her and that is something I could not forgive.

I think about sex, and maybe it's frivolous to think about these nights when Emily and Laura are on my mind, but I'm only human; and it's natural to have the physical need.

Sometimes it is purely the need of the body and the heart clamouring to find consolation, to be healed and not feel so empty through just one night of sin, but that isn't possible, because it requires a complete connection of the body, the heart, and all the senses to make that possible.

Other times they go their separate ways, because they collide and confront, and confuse me, and that's when I try to convince myself that I just needed to listen to my body and nothing else. It's when I think opening myself up to share a physical connection, without the emotional, is the best.

But then my mind stops, and it's when my inner conflicts come more strongly, when I see my sanity and stability threatened.

Because even though I thought I was ready for it, and I proved to myself that I could go out and try it, I know that even if Arizona didn't come that night to the bar; nothing would have happened with the woman.

It was that night that realisation dawned on me; a recognition of something that was still under the skin, and that in silence was growing.

Since Laura's death, no one had aroused as much desire in me as Arizona has. And it was a truth that broke the ground beneath my feet, and brought me face to face with my greatest fear. That night I recognized the yearning for something more, and that's what scares me, because I could feel my heart getting involved.

Even though my body wanted to continue that night, I couldn't allow it, my heart was in conflict, and I need to clarify what was happening to me. Arizona deserves the best and I'm not the one who can give her that, not right now at least.

. . .

When these nights occur, when loneliness and all my conflicts arise, I wish that everything could be different, and that I could take that absolute step to love and be loved again; but I can't, there's something that stops me.

One moment it's so clear, but the next, I lose that clarity. Is it the love for Laura and my story with her that's stopping me, or is it something else, that I don't know.

Sometimes I think its just fear. Fear of hurting someone else, fear of loving again, fear of feeling, fear of suffering, and fear of losing again.

Arizona causes all those fears and conflicts in me, and that's when I close all the possibilities that suddenly intersect in my mind regarding her.

Deep sighs, heaviness on my head.

These are the nights that leave me exhausted.

Nights in which I transit between memories past and present, thoughts and emotions, certainties and conflict, sadness and calm; but there is always a common factor... loneliness.

Then the night is gone and a new day must come, a day when you have to lift your head and move on... shake off the sadness, and go to work.

The work and friends wait, smiles begin to appear, but sometimes the heart remains retained in those nights, and behind that smile lies fatigue, fear, and internal conflicts that no one else could understand.

But what does it matter, if I can still smile at the good, even if I cry the bad?

A duality of life and existence... but it is what we must learn to face in order to survive.

. . .

\- (November 12, 2013) -

Arizona POV

Some people believe that they can hide their feelings and walk as if they carry nothing with them, but sometimes we are able to see beyond a smile and know what really is behind a look.

That's what's happening to Calliope, even though she smiles, I can see through her façade by her eyes, and I know the past few weeks have been difficult. I see her becoming more tired, more withdrawn and even sometimes lost in some world far from here.

 _I had looked all over the hospital for her during lunch, and when I didn't find her, I went out hoping to see her somewhere. It was then that I saw her in sitting on a bench, staring, and I approached her in silence._

 _\- Hey! - She jumped at my voice, looked at me and smiled. - What are you doing here? I was looking for you._

 _\- I'm sorry, I was just on a break, and I came out here... - She gives me a smile that doesn't reach her eyes._

 _\- Are you okay? - She looks forward, while I sit next to her, and place a hand on her knee; she takes a deep breath._

 _\- I will be, don't worry... I just... haven't had the best of days. - She smiles at me sadly, and I nod, not wanting to push her._

 _\- Come on, let's have lunch. - I stand and reach out my hand, she takes a moment before taking my hand._

I don't know what triggered all that... but I would like to do something to alleviate that sadness and conflict that I see in her eyes. I would like to make her days better, to be the person who takes away that sadness and makes her smile from the heart. I wish I could touch her heart in another way and make her see that it is possible to love again; but she doesn't allow it and I know it is far from happening.

God! I think I love her. So hopelessly, with everything I have and am.

I would like to embrace her, to soothe her pains, to be the one who heals her wounds. But I know that I can only be her friend, because I can't enter by force when she won't let me in.

My heart beats like it never has before, and there's no one else I want. No one can cause a reaction like Calliope does with just a word, a look, a touch, or the simplest of the gestures.

What I feel is so immense.

. . .

I thought about what happened the other night, and I blamed myself because I couldn't control myself, and maybe I'd pushed her too far. It wasn't my intention, but when she responded to my caresses, I thought it was what she needed, and I got lost in the sensations.

When she stopped us, I felt as if the world had stopped, and for a moment I wanted to flee. I'd never been rejected by anyone before, and the fact that it was Callie made it was even worse; especially when I felt that she wanted it too.

But she talked about respect for my feelings, for me, and how she didn't want to hurt me; however I didn't want her to respect anything at that moment, I didn't care, I just wanted her.

She also told me about what she felt, about her conflicts, how confused she was, and then I understood her point. Things stopped immediately, and despite how difficult it was, nothing was uncomfortable.

It had nothing to do with us or our relationship, so I knew it could only be Laura and Emily.

I want her to tell me about it, because maybe talking about it would help her...

The sudden sound of my cell phone takes me out of my thoughts, I roll over in my bed and reach out for my phone... it's Calliope.

\- Hey, it's Callie. - I laugh.

\- I already know that. How are you? I didn't see you when you left.

\- Mmmm, I was tired, and wanted to get home quickly.

\- You okay?

\- Yeah, I am. - Silence. - I was just calling to ask you something.

\- Of course, what's up?

\- Would you go with me?

\- Where?

\- To my house on the beach... I was thinking about what you told me... that you could use a couple of days. I'm leaving Thursday night... I know it's a bit late to ask... but if you can... I'd like you to join me.

\- I thought you wanted to go alone? You didn't say anything else, so I didn't ask again.

\- Yes, mmm, but I was thinking that maybe its not a good idea to go alone... I don't know... but if you can't, don't worry, I just... - I interrupt.

\- I would love to go with you, Calliope, but I don't know if I can... let me see if I can re-arrange things for Thursday, it might be a bit difficult though. -

\- Well, let's talk then. -

\- Okay, bye. –

I put my phone aside and returned to my thoughts. Why did she wait so long to ask me?

Maybe she should go alone to face her fears. Maybe that's what Calliope needs to take a definitive step in her life, and move forward.

. . .

\- (November 14, 2013) -

General POV

The road is quiet, the reflection of light bounce off the road, and the sound of the tires on the pavement is all that can be heard.

Callie drives her car, her left elbow rests on the door support, head leaning against on her hand. She scratches her head from time to time, and sometimes she brings her hand to neck, trying to relieve tension and fatigue while with the other hand holds the steering wheel firmly.

Her eyes fixed on the front, and silence catches her memories.

How many times has she driven that same path?

A deep sigh forms in her throat, a melancholy smile forms on her lips; those are the memories of a time that will not return.

She won't cry, she has already cried too much, and she doesn't want to remember with sadness, however, she can't keep her eyes from filling with tears.

. . .

Callie POV

The last few weeks my nights became more difficult. What's the trigger? I'm not sure.

I've thought a lot, I'm exhausted, and I need to find clarity; I can't continue like this.

Several times this week I've gotten up and stood in front of a door that remains firmly closed in my apartment with the intention of entering, but every time I tried, I couldn't.

It's Emily's room, the place we had prepared for her, but I am unable to take a step without the feeling that the full weight of her loss will fall on me.

That's just a part of my struggles, but that's what's happening to me with everything, I want to move forward, but I can't.

In this year, I have learned that the struggle is constant, that every day is a battle, and that I mustn't waver when things are difficult.

That's why I decided I should do something a few days ago, I can't afford to lose myself again, and maybe going to the beach house will help me; or maybe it will destroy me, I don't know. But I still put everything in order at work and arranged for a few days off.

. . .

As soon as I finished my shift today, I got in the car and started my journey. Night had already fallen, and for a moment I thought about waiting till morning to leave; but I decided the sooner the better. It was a 4-hour journey, and maybe tomorrow I wouldn't have the courage to do it.

So here I am, heading to a place I have been since Laura left, a place, along with the closed door in my apartment, that I had avoided for far too long; but it was time to face my ghosts, and I had to start somewhere. It was a step in the right direction.

Many things had improved, but there were others that took me through the ups and downs and the unstable times. I was tired of those moments that caught up to me every now and then, so I decided to find the answers I needed.

This wouldn't be a journey to return to pain, or to fall further. This should be a journey to further my recovery, even if it was difficult.

. . .

I decided to put on some music, to appease the noisy mind, at a moderate volume and the melody began to encase me; the composition soft echoing in my restless mind.

I've been on the road for about two hours, with another two to go. As I'm approaching my destination, I feel a strange sensation in my stomach.

Since I've been in therapy I've understood that things can be better in my life, we can go through very painful events, but there is always a way forward.

And I guess as everything began to improve in my life, every day I have wanted more; and the better I get, the more I want.

Coming here and being face to face with all my memories can help me get my thoughts in order, and see things differently. I really don't know what I'm looking for, but I can feel that coming here is an important step.

I sigh and look around, it's time to take a break.

I deviated from the road looking for a place to stop. I slowed down as I looked, and after a moment I found a small open shop.

I pull up and stop the engine, releasing my seat belt; I turn to look at my side, at the body resting in the other seat.

I smiled.

A blond mane, slightly dishevelled, is peacefully asleep.

When I asked Arizona to come with me, for a moment I thought she wouldn't because of her schedule. I had debated a lot with myself, if I should ask her, and decided to ask her at the very last minute. In the end, I went with my gut and here we are.

I take my hand to her arm and shake her gently; she shifts slightly, still firmly grasped by sleep. I try again, and there it is.

Slowly she opens her eyes and looks at me a little disoriented. She straightens up in the seat and asks me what happens. I tell her that we have two hours of travel and we need a break, she reluctantly nods and we go out.

. . .

Soon we got back on the road and the journey was less silent, yet it was difficult for me to concentrate. The closer we were to our destination, the more my heart quickened.

We finally arrived, and when I stopped the car, for a moment it was just that place and me.

I got out of the car, stopped for a moment looking at the house, thousands of memories hit me quickly; and a tear fell down my cheeks, but I wiped it away as fast as it fell.

I walked.

The sound of the sea, the wind stirring the trees and the unique smell of this place enveloped me.

I stopped in front of the entrance, and took a deep breath.

I clenched my jaw, and opened the door.

I turn on the lights and everything is dimly lit.

And for a moment, it feels as if nothing has changed, and I half expect to see Laura flittering from one place to another.

\- Everything okay? - Arizona interrupts my thoughts, but I don't respond, I _can't_ , I'm lost in my memories. - Callie. -

\- Yeah ... I'm sorry... it's just... I don't know... - I shake my head to clear my thoughts. - It's weird to be here... - I smile. I'm strangely calm, although I can see the memories playing in my head as if in slow motion. - I don't know... I'm sorry... why don't we bring our things and get some rest, it's been a long day. - Arizona doesn't push any further, she just nods.

Tomorrow will be a new day, and we'll see what this place has for me.

. . .

\- (15 November 2013) -

Whitman is a small town near Forks, a wonderful place, difficult to access and little known; very quiet and simple, but beautiful. A beach and lots of vegetation, a combination that makes the place unique.

Our house is only surrounded by a few other properties; it's quite private and has direct access to the beach. We are about 10 minutes from the centre, where most of the locals are located, and there are some small shops and services.

. . .

I got up early today, I couldn't sleep much. It was as if I was having an outer body experience, going through the motions of the day without being very conscious of my movements. In one moment I was preparing a coffee, and then, without realizing it, I found myself standing in front of the back window looking out at the landscape that I had not seen for such a long time.

The wooden terrace, the well trimmed lawn, the two swings under the trees, and a path leading to the beach. I could see the sea and part of the beach, a wonderful and breath taking sight.

The weather was cold so I took a blanket from the sofa and went out on the terrace. I stood there for a moment drinking my coffee, but soon put the cup on the table, and ventured towards the path.

. . .

Arizona POV

When Callie asked me to accompany her, I thought I couldn't come. Firstly because I didn't know if I could re-organize my schedule; and secondly because, for a moment, I thought I shouldn't get involved in this, that it was necessary for her to come alone. But for some inexplicable reason, I found myself talking to the Chief and re-arranging everything.

The house is completely silent, there seems to be no trace of Callie anywhere. However, the coffee machine is still hot, so I guess she's already up.

The memories of this place caught up to her as soon as we arrived. I understand that it is difficult for her, but I wish she could talk to me, that she would just let her walls down, because closing herself off won't help her in anyway.

Last night when we arrived, Callie told me to make myself at home here, to take advantage of this mini getaway and enjoy it, and that's what I'll do.

When I went out on the terrace I found a wonderful view. Yesterday we arrived late so I can only appreciate the beauty and tranquillity of the place today.

I sat there, observing the landscape, thinking of everything and nothing, when suddenly I saw a familiar silhouette in the distance sitting on the sand watching the sea. It was Callie. I wanted to go to her, but knew that I needed to give her space today.

. . .

Callie POV

I don't know how long I was on the beach, but it was past noon when I decided to go back to the house.

When I arrived I saw a book on the terrace table, so I assumed that Arizona had been here, I take it and went looking for her. I found her sleeping in the couch, and she looked completely relaxed.

I sat down in front of her, resting my elbow on the sofa, and dropped my head in my hand; I stared at her silently, not wanting to wake her.

She is really beautiful.

I shook my head at the thought, and stared through the window, losing myself again.

\- Hey - Arizona startled me, I looked at her and smiled, not leaving my comfortable position. - How long have you been there?

\- Mmmm, I really don't know. - I look at the window again.

\- You good? - I nodded my head and pressed my lips together, containing everything. - You wanna talk about it? - I shake my head, if I speak, I will not be able to contain myself, and there are too many things in my head.

I can feel her gaze on me and feel her approaching. She sits beside me, tapping me on the knee to get my attention, and looks at me with tenderness.

I don't need to say anything, she just does what I need. She embraces me... she holds me tight and I lean my forehead on her shoulder. I can't hold it in anymore and I just cry. Uncontrollable sobs that I can't stop. She doesn't say anything, she just holds me tight... I needed this so much.

. . .

I had never shown my emotions so freely to Arizona, I always handled it the best I could. I don't like breaking down in front of anyone, the only time she's ever seen me lose control was when we saw the accident, but it was different.

My breath began to calm, slowly I parted from her and looked at her. - I'm sorry, I didn't want... - She interrupts me.

\- Don't be, I'm here for you... whatever you need... to mourn, or scream, or laugh, or talk, or even just for a hug... anything.

\- Thank you... there's just... so much…

\- I can imagine it.

I want to talk, so badly but it frightens me. I've never talked in detail about my life with Laura and her death, about the loss of Emily and my dreams about her. None of that has been a topic of conversation before, but I feel as though I'm drowning, as if I wanted to spit it all out.

We are silent, but I need to distract my mind. - We should cook something. - That's all I say, and Arizona smiles with understanding.

\- Sure, do we need go shopping? Or is there something here?

\- No, it's fine, we have everything we need here. There's a person who prepares the house for me and leaves me everything I need when I come. So we just need to see what we can make. - I take a deep breath and get up. - Come on, I'm hungry.

. . .

Arizona POV

It's hard to see Callie so restrained, I can feel that she wants to talk, but she doesn't. I don't want to push so I'll just be here, waiting.

After we lunch, we settled on the terrace with a glass of wine to enjoy the tranquillity. The weather was cold, but it was very nice to be there.

The sunset came over us.

The colors that are reflected in the sea, the coastal fog that is seen, and the white sand... everything looks like a postcard. The sound of the sea breaking, the trill of the birds, the wind brushing against our faces, makes this place into something wonderful.

The comfortable silence between us had been constant, so I was surprised when I heard Callie's voice. I looked up from my book and gave her all of my attention.

\- I was so happy here. - I don't know what to say, she took me by surprise, and I just looked at her. - Sometimes I'd like to turn back time, but I know I can't. - A long silence. - We had so many plans... I loved them so much... I don't understand why all this happened... I feel sad, you know? - Another pause. - But although my head is filled with memories with everything I do or see here, I feel calm... because I loved them... I didn't keep anything from Laura, I showed her every day how much I loved her. - She speaks quietly, but her eyes don't deviate from the horizon, there are some tears running down her cheeks and she breathes deeply. - But... I wanted Emily to know this place, to sit here with her and watch the sunset. I wanted to spend the afternoons on those swings, playing in the sand, I wanted so many things with her... I wanted her to be the most loved and happiest little girl, she was my dream... but none of that happened. - She breathes deeply. I have never heard Callie speak like this about Laura and her daughter. I knew a few things, but she was very secretive about it.

\- You did it. - I interrupt her. - I can feel it through the way you talk about her, the way you remember her. She was and is loved by you, maybe not in the way you had imagined it, but I'm sure the short time she was with you, she felt it, she knew. Emily was loved by you and will continue to be. That is not a bond that can be broken. - She looks at me for the first time and gives me a sincere smile.

We continue talking for a long time, she talked about Laura, and the dreams she had with Emily; I could see the sadness in her eyes, but she still smiled at the memory. Callie needed to talk, and I think it was good for her, because her face became less tense and her smile began to appear.

I think this trip will be good for her. It's the first time I've heard to speak so much about her family and her feelings; and I feel honoured that she has entrusted that part of her to me

. . .

The afternoon passed without realizing, and the night reached us. Although I had wanted to stay longer, I understood how tired Callie was. She had had a day full of emotions, and she had faced a lot today. So when it came time to say goodnight, I had no qualms.

. . .

\- (November 16, 2013) -

Callie POV

Today, like yesterday, I started my day early, only this time I had breakfast with Arizona.

The morning passed smoothly, and though the memories kept coming and going; I felt good.

Talking to Arizona really helped me, and today was no different; we talked a lot, but not just about myself. For the moment we got lost in the conversation, in the company, and I really forgot about the things going through my head.

I didn't expect it, but coming here has helped me a lot. I thought that I would feel bad, that I would run away, that I would be afflicted and wouldn't be able to cope with the memories. But I've come across something that I still can't explain.

In spite of all that I've lived here, and remember it as if it was just yesterday, the crying and melancholy; I found a different tranquillity. It's as if there's something Laura wants to tell me, and I'm trying to listen, I'm paying attention.

. . .

After lunch we decided to go down to the beach, between conversations and silences, everything is at peace with Arizona, and my head stops screaming like an old machine when she's with me.

Today I laughed and cried, I thought about my future and I remembered the past. I have appreciated the present and what I have. It is as if the fog is slowly lifting in my head and every time I can see more clearly; but I'm scared.

I fixed my gaze on Arizona. She is lost to the horizon; her face is calm and beautiful. The wind thrashes hard and her hair plays in her face from time to time and I smiled. Just having her close makes me feel good.

I've thought about her a lot, about what happens to me when I'm with her, and what I want to understand; but then I'm overcome with regret. What if I feel this way about with her because I'm lonely?

She has crossed my thoughts so much and so often, that I also reproach myself, because I don't know if it is right to think of her this way.

\- What's up?

\- Mmmm... What?

\- Even if I don't look at you, I can feel your eyes on me. - She smiles at me, and I blush.

\- No, nothing... just... you look so calm. - I look at the sea.

\- Are you sure? I could hear the gears in your mind turning. - I turn my gaze to her.

A long silence passed between us, we looked at each other for a moment.

Deep breath.

\- You make me feel good. - I say no more, and I can see Arizona's confusion. - When I'm with you, things feel better. - I look at my hands. - You make me feel less lonely. - I feel nervous and I don't know why. - I thought coming here would bring me back in an overwhelming loop... but that hasn't happened.

There are many memories, beautiful memories, and they will always be with me, and sometimes I will remember it with sadness, with longing... that's all part of my life, but... you know? I don't want to get lost in the past... I want... - I smiled. – I really just want to be able to look forward without the weight of the past bringing me down.

Another long silence passes, and I feel Arizona looking at me, waiting for me to meet her eyes. I do it, and I see so much affection in them, that it touches me.

\- Life goes on, Calliope, and if... it was horrible... but look at where you are. You are a tremendously strong woman, and I know Laura would have wanted to see you like this... looking forward, moving on, and being happy... - She tilts her head. - And I know Emily would be proud of her mother... they will always be in your heart, but you need to think about yourself now... about what you want, what you need, and what's going on in there. - She comes closer, and puts her hand on my heart. - I know you're healing, but you also need to leave that door open for the fresh air... to be renovated. - She pauses longer. - You have to listen to it, Calliope... Don't close it off... let it beat again without restrictions... because if you don't, you will always live in the past and in sadness.

I don't know how to respond to that, she's right... but it's not as easy as it sounds, that's what I've been struggling lately. I want to hear it, but I need to know it is correct.

I want to stop being afraid to leave my heart exposed again. I want to be able to open myself to possibilities, but I don't know how.

I put my hand on her hand, and I take it, to leave it on my legs; and as I observe them, I draw patterns over her fingers, losing myself in her delicacy. I smiled, I can't help it. Her hands are soft, I close my eyes for a moment. I am afraid to lift my eyes and look her, but I do, and I get lost in the blue of her gaze.

\- I wish I could... - My voice just comes out. - I wish I could do it, but I don't know how. I'm afraid to make a mistake, to feel too much and then lose everything again. - Silent. - Sometimes I think it's Laura who's stopping me, but sometimes... I just think it's me, and my fears.

\- We all have fears, Calliope. I was afraid to feel, to open my heart, and all I did in my life was run away from my feelings because I had been hurt. But then I met you and everything changed. We became great friends and I began to develop feelings for you... I've made many mistakes because I was afraid of what I felt... but when I confronted and accepted them, I felt free... I felt good. - Silence. - I know that maybe they won't take me where I want to be, and maybe I won't get what I want... but I am able to acknowledge them and feel it freely. Just open your heart Calliope... the fears will always be there... but if you don't face them, they will always dominate you and you will not be able to move any further.

\- Arizona, I... - She interrupted me.

\- You don't have to say anything Calliope, I was honest with you because I had to be; I don't expect anything, and you don't have to feel compelled to do anything. I wish things were different, but we don't always get what we want, or the way we want it. I'm happy to have you in my life, no matter in what way.

\- Arizona... I'm afraid… of everything. I'm not as strong as you think... I... - I don't know what I mean... I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I would like to say that I want take a risk, but I am not capable.

I don't know when the tears had started, but Arizona brushed her thumbs over my cheeks gently to dry the tracks. She looked at me with so much affection, with so much... God! If only things were easier... I'm lost in her eyes, in her touch... I just want...

As if she could read my mind, she leans forward and brushes her lips against mine softly, nothing more and turns to leave, wordlessly. - Arizona... - I feel numb in her presence, and with her closeness.

She leaves another kiss, just as gently as before, a simple, delicate touch.

I look at her lips for a moment, is this right? Especially in this place?

I would like to make a leap of faith, but my incapacity frustrates me and my tears begin to roll.

I want to feel free... but how do I do that?

Maybe for other people, it's an easy step. For people who haven't experienced the tragedies that I have, who haven't lived through all the ups and downs and the conflicts as I have, but we all live different lives and will face different hardships. And maybe I'll get judged for how I've handled everything, but it's that only way I've been able to survive.

I had lost myself once more in thought, returning only when I feel her soft lips kissing my face, and my eyes close automatically.

She gently kisses away my tears, and I suddenly feel her return to my lips; she just stays there for a moment. Then she takes my face again in her hands and begins with a soft, shy kiss; in it I can feel the affection that she professes to me.

Of the kisses we have shared, this feels different. This time it is not about curiosity, or an about an outburst of the moment. It's just about the heart, and I can feel how pure and innocent it is. For the first time, I feel it clearly, and I clearly recognize what terrifies me.

Only Arizona has provoked in me the yearning for something more, and today I feel it clearly. It's real, and I don't know how to handle it.

But I know that I don't want to be afraid, I want to be able to move on, even if I don't know if it is right. Maybe I should listen to my head that's telling me where I am, and what I've lived here... but then my heart hammers and tells me that I can... and there it is... the confusion again. Do I follow my head or heart?

Even so, this time I allow the closeness of Arizona, I let her kiss me, and I'm able to reciprocate.

Time stops for a moment, and it seems that all the confusion fades, and everything feels right again. It's a slow kiss, with devotion and without haste, but I slowly open my eyes when I feel her pull away; she still has her hands on my face.

She is so beautiful, but my fear doesn't cease. She seems to understand what my eyes are saying, because she smiles at me and leans forward again. She holds me tightly against her, as if she doesn't want to let me go, as if she wants to take away my fears; and, just for a moment, my fears leave me. I haven't felt so safe in a long time.

We remain like this for a while, then we separate, and she makes a gesture so that I lie down. I rest my head on her legs, leaving my body on the sand; and as she caresses my arm, I lose myself in her touch and on the horizon.

Thus the evening begins to fall, the sky dyed red, and the reflection of the last rays strikes the sea. We get lost in the silence and tranquillity. There will be time to find answers later.

. . .

Arizona POV

I've never felt more at peace and happy in my life. This afternoon has been beautiful, full of feelings, of talking, of silence, of sharing. To have Calliope like this, in tranquillity, watching as the sun sets is simply wonderful.

I can't explain what I feel, because it is so immense, that I can't find words to describe it.

But today I felt hope, today I felt that maybe Calliope may be something more in my life. As she spoke about her fears, about what she feels, what she wants... there was something else that wanted to come out.

Calliope opened up and told me about things she kept for herself, and she cried, showing me the feelings she has buried within herself for so long. I couldn't help talking about my own thoughts and feelings. Nor could I suppress, in an action that was born from the depths of my heart... the kisses to her face, her lips and the tight embrace... transmitting all my feelings to her.

When I stopped and saw her eyes, I saw no rejection... but I could see beyond... I saw what was stopping her... and there my hope.

Her struggles are not with me, but with her fears of what she can feel and live.

I think I have a chance, and I know it can be difficult to get there... but I can wait, because she's more than worth it.

. . .

\- (17 November 2013) -

Callie POV

This is our fourth night and third day here, Monday morning is our last day.

My day, like yesterday, was spent with Arizona talking about everything and anything. It's as if I wanted to tell her everything that has happened to me, and it's been very good.

In the afternoon, after we went for a walk on the beach, I felt tired and laid back. I fell asleep and I must say it was a good dream, now I feel more rested.

When I woke up, I headed for the living room and saw Arizona on one of the sofas near the fireplace, immersed in her book again. I smiled. She seemed relaxed and enjoying her reading, and I looked at her for a moment from a distance. She didn't seem to notice, so I approached her.

\- Hi.

\- Hey! You woke up.

\- Yeah, I slept too much, sorry. - I smile.

\- You're resting, you should take advantage of it... it's not a problem- She smiles.

\- Was it too much for you, to come with me? - She closes her book and looks at me in confusion. - I mean... you've just been listening to me ever since we arrived, I'm sorry.

\- Don't worry about it. This trip is about you, besides I love knowing that you trust me. Besides I've enjoyed being here a lot, it's really a beautiful place. - She gives me a sincere smile.

\- Do you want something to drink?

\- Yes, I would love a glass of wine.

\- Okay, I'll be right back. - I turn to head to the kitchen as I hear her voice.

\- I'll come with you. –

. . .

\- Can you grab the glasses from the cupboard? - I point behind me, while I'm uncorking the bottle.

\- Of course.

\- Do you want something to eat? We could do something light.

\- Yeah, that would be fine. - She laughs and I turn to look at her. - Could you help me Calliope? - She stretches out, but misses by just a few inches. – Just give me a lift and I'll be able to reach. - We laugh.

I walked over to her and grabbed her by the hips to lift her. It's just a feint, just to mess with her. - Hey! What are you doing? - I laughed heartily.

\- What you told me to do, a lift.

\- Calliope, it was a joke! Must you mock my height? - I laugh behind her, with my hands remaining on her hips, and I put my chin on her shoulder.

\- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Will you forgive me? - She turns, and I give her my best puppy eyes. She looks at me narrowing her eyes, staying between my body and the furniture.

\- Hmm… Maybe. - I don't know if she said it slowly or it's just me, but I feel trapped by her voice and her eyes; and I haven't moved from my place, it's as if I had been nailed there.

\- I should... the glasses. - I say, trying to break the moment, but our eyes are still connected, and I can't think clearly.

\- Yes, I think you should... - I approach her a little more, her eyes are hypnotic, and she doesn't finish speaking.

I leave one of my hands on the cabinet below, and raise the other in an attempt to "reach" the glasses, but my eyes are still on hers.

\- I'm sorry, it's just that... I can't reach and... - I don't know what's happening to me, but the glasses are the last thing on my mind.

\- Of course... no problem... - I can feel her breathing change, and we stopped, without reaching for glasses, or thinking about wine, just staring at each other at us.

. . .

Arizona POV

I can't believe that trying to get glasses ended up in this situation.

But her closeness feels so good.

I could move a couple of centimetres and there would be no space between our bodies.

I could lean forward and kiss her like yesterday.

But no, I'm not going to push her.

If she wants this too, she needs to make the move; the ball is in her court.

Is it too much to ask?

\- I think we should leave the wine for another day. - What am I saying? - We should... get some... rest... it's late. - It's not what I want, I don't want to say no, I don't want to move. I can see her fear, but also what she wants... come on, do it.

\- I think you're right. - No, you just had to say no. - I think we should go. - She keeps talking, but she doesn't move, I must be dreaming. She looks at my lips, look at my eyes, and she has an internal debate.

I know what she wants and I want the same, but I need it to be _her_ decision... I want her to start facing her fears.

Callie bows her head as a sign of defeat, and I want to cry. Why can't she take the step?

She drops her hand from above to the other side of me. I'm trapped between her body and the furniture.

I can feel her inner struggle, she sighs deeply.

She looks up and meets my eyes again.

\- Good night. - She says it sadly, as if it hurts her.

\- Good night, Calliope. - She pulls her hands back to her sides, and pushes away from me.

I can't move. She turns to walk away and I feel my heart fall, my head bow and I feel my eyes water.

I tighten my jaw.

Damn! This is hard.

How long will I be able to stand it?

I take a deep breath, and before my tears can fall, a hand on my chin raises my face; I wasn't aware she had returned.

She brings her hand to my face, measuring every movement, and pulls me gently toward her; her lips are on mine, a brief touch, before she backs away.

\- Calliope... - She looks down and shakes her head.

\- I'm sorry... I... - Her voice is fearful.

\- Look at me... - I lift her chin and force her to look at me. - Can you tell me what's going on? - Her eyes say so much. - Calliope... its normal to feel afraid. - I take one of her hands. - I have also felt the fear, but sometimes it's necessary to leave it behind in order to take a step forward.

Silence.

She raises her head and looks at me.

\- You confuse me, Arizona... I feel things for you that I don't understand... but... I'm here, in this place... - She moves her hands indicating me around. - And I can't... but... but...

We stare at each other intensely, and silence surrounds us. Then, little by little, as the seconds pass, something makes Callie's gaze clearer, brighter, and my heart starts to beat hard.

It's as if my heart wants to escape from my chest, but I say nothing, I just wait for what I see behind those brown eyes, hoping it's not my imagination.

She approaches me again, and leans her forehead against mine. I feel her breath against mine; her hand comes to touch my lips, gentle brushing her fingertips against them.

I feel a tingle in them, and her eyes are glued there.

She stops the movement of her fingers, and presses her lips against her fingers; she watches me while she does.

I raise my hand to her wrist, grab her hard and look at her measuring her reaction. She says nothing, and I slide her hand down.

Our lips finally touch, it is her who seeks the first contact, who begins to move over mine, who begins to explore them; and I reflect her progress.

At last we are kissing, slowly, as we did on the beach.

I feel her tongue exploring my mouth, and in a gentle movement, makes contact with mine; I feel a shock run all over my body, and I grab her arms to steady myself.

Air becomes necessary, but I don't want to separate for fear that everything will vanish. Still, Callie stops and we breathe. I'm already feeling disillusioned because everything is over, and I prepare to say something, but Callie covers my mouth again.

This time with more boldness, and more haste. Everything becomes more intense, and I can't think, I only manage to hold firmly onto her arms. Lips moist and tongues mixed, and soon our bodies collide.

Her hands go to my face, while her thumbs rub against my skin. The kiss gets deeper and deeper; my hands fall to her waist and pull her in as much as possible. She moans into my mouth and there is nothing more intoxicating than that. I think I'm going to die, but at least I'll die happy.

The urgency begins to be present, and there is no resistance.

There is no doubt, just feel.

There are no fears, just feel.

My heart explodes when Calliope takes me by surprise, and turns us to the Kitchen Island, and before I can react, she lifts me onto the island.

My breathing is irregular, my legs automatically part, and her body slots between my legs; I must be dreaming.

I can feel my body's burning need, but more than that, I can feel a connection that I have never felt with anyone. There is something else between us that's not just our bodies' reaction to stimulus.

I can feel her hands running up and down my thighs, she suddenly grabs me roughly by my thighs to pull me towards her. I wrap my legs around her waist, and my arms go around her neck, while she rakes her fingers down my back.

Finally my hands begin to take life, leaving behind the insecurity. I caress her waist, her back, and in urgency and movement, her shirt moves up slightly. I feel her skin under my hands, and although I didn't want to rush for fear that Callie will stop us, I couldn't help it, and my hands slip under her shirt completely.

I don't know how long we get lost each other for, between quiet and haste, until our kisses and advances, begin to slow down, and we slowly separate.

We look at ourselves in silence whilst breathing heavily. We speak in silence, our eyes communicate; there are questions and answers.

\- Arizona... - She said my name in a low tone, wanting to say something, but I don't allow it, putting my finger against her lips. I force myself away from her, getting off the kitchen counter, and I can't help but notice the disappointment in her face.

I take a few steps away from her before turning back to look at her again; she is frozen in the same position, looking at me in silence and with pain in her eyes. I smiled at her from a distance, her eyes tell of her confusion... but I will not leave her... I just need to make her aware of her decisions today.

I tilt my head to one side, and I extend my hand to her, making a silent request, and I wait.

She hesitates for a moment, but then slowly comes up to me and takes my hand. She gave me the answer I wanted, and in silence I take her to my room.

If tonight is our night, it will not be for an urge, or because of the heat of the moment. It's not going to be a quick lay, just sex, or just to satisfy our bodies.

If tonight is our night, we are going to be aware of it, of each part. I will show her, even though she still can't see or accept it, that it is still possible to love. I will make her aware of it in every moment, so that she never forget it.

Tonight, maybe it's our night... that where fears are driven away, and where memories don't weigh us down.

. . .

Note: Whitman is a fictional place, it's the name of a writer I like.

I don't know Forks, therefore I apologize for any incongruity.


	18. Chapter 18

_*Rated change to M._

Shinata-Riyoko, you're the best; this is possible thanks to you.

* * *

\- (18 November 2014) -

Callie POV

I open my eyes with difficulty and try to concentrate, I move in the bed and turn wanting to reach the bedside table; then I realize how naked I am.

I instinctively go to cover myself with the sheet. I look at my side and my breath stagnates, Arizona sleeps, face down, one of her legs bent and her back uncovered; the sheet covers her lower back and part of her legs.

The memories of last night come rushing back and I stiffen. I look around seeing the state of the bed and our clothes scattered on the floor

I lie down on my back and bring my hands to my face; taking a deep breath I bring my shaking hand to my chest. I focus on the ceiling trying to calm myself, closing my eyes tightly, and look back towards the person at my side, at Arizona, beautifully asleep, with her hair tousled and spread out on the pillow.

I sit up gently on the bed, and something slides down my chest; my necklace. I grab it hard and feel like crying. I needed a moment to myself, to get some air to clear my mind. I get out of bed, dress quickly and leave as quietly as possible.

. . .

When I reach the living room, the cold air hits me and a chill runs through my body, I grab the blanket from the sofa and cover myself with it.

I feel restless, and my mind won't stop running.

What implications will this have on our friendship? What does this mean to me? What does it mean for Arizona?

I reproached myself, I should have thought of her before all this got out of hand. I rub my temples and press them hard; my head hurts from thinking so much.

I approach the fireplace, throwing in some wood, watching as the fire slowly grows. I sit on the nearest couch, clinging to the blanket and hugging my legs tightly.

I look at the flames, getting lost in it.

. . .

\- The previous night -

Callie POV

When I woke up from my nap, I felt an inexplicable sensation inside me. My heart was pounding and I was nervous, as if something was going to happen; but I didn't know what.

With that feeling I went in search of Arizona. I saw her, immersed in her book, with light reflecting on her, and I was spellbound, I couldn't stop looking at her; and the feeling inside me grew stronger.

I thought that offering a glass of wine would be a good idea to deal with something other than her, and to trying to shake the sudden memory that came to mind of what happened between us yesterday at the beach.

I never imagined that what started as a joke, would become the trigger of what was about to happen.

But her closeness and her scent wrapped around all of my senses, and I fell into a state of complete numbness. Then the glasses became just an excuse to stay there and keep me close to her.

I fought against my feelings, I knew I couldn't afford that, but my words were inconsistent with my actions. I had intended of leave when I felt that everything overflow, and that's what I started to do; but something came over me and brought me back to her.

. . .

General POV

The house was quiet and the lights dim. Night had fallen and, with it, the atmosphere was charged with tension, excitement, and desires.

Arizona leads, pulling on Callie's hand as they head to the blonde's room, sharing shy glances, and dwelling in the tension between them.

An intense tingle runs through Arizona's body only at the anticipation of what was about to happen. Her dreams and longings have come as a welcome surprise before her, because she never thought that accompanying Callie to this place would lead this.

She understood the conflict within Callie, that's why she was being so careful; she was giving her space and leaving the brunette to dictate how their relationship went. Without saying anything, Arizona has allowed her to decide what it is that she wants tonight.

Callie's head was trying to tell her to back out, but she couldn't; she was absolutely enchanted by the blonde. Her eyes, the way she moves, and the way she carries herself. Everything, absolutely everything, has her trapped.

In the few days that they'd had been here, something new had settled in her heart; she couldn't determine with certainty what it was. But something inside her wanted to tell her something.

The last few weeks had been a feat for Callie, and coming here had been surprisingly reassuring.

She'd expected the worse when she came here. Of course, the memories became vivid scenes and the tears didn't stop, but something has come with it too, a strange release of everything she'd contained for so long.

. . .

Tonight, both women seemed to have succumbed to the strength of their connection. Arizona wanted to be able to show Callie what she felt, but she didn't want to rush.

That's why she didn't take that first step, and acted based on Callie's reactions. Callie is capable of realizing that the ball was in her court, but it's what she wants right now.

Everything around them disappeared; there were no more struggles, no more doubts, and no more fears.

Invisible ties had begun to unite them, even without even the connection of their bodies, because this was not just about sex. The excitement grew and they are not indifferent to it, but they knew that this was more than just a moment. Tonight was about hearts beating together, a bond, and a union that would remain forever; even if after the sun rises, they head in separate directions.

. . .

As they entered the room, Arizona let go of Callie's hand and moved towards the centre of the room, she stopped and turned slowly. She looked at Callie with love, respect and admiration. She was nervous, as if it were her first time; but maybe it's... maybe it's the first time she's truly offered up her heart to be treasured or broken.

Taking a look at Callie, she reaches up to the back of her own neck massaging to loosen the tension; letting it rest there, she tilts her head and looks at the brunette deeply. She opens her mouth to say something, but hesitates and bites her lip; the nerves refuse to leave.

Callie can feel Arizona's gaze burning her, but she knows that she's holding back. Arizona looks beautiful and sensual; she looks expectant, but nervous, the way she bites her lip and how she has essentially exposed herself in front of her... everything captivates the brunette.

The fog starts to sneak into her head, she just wants to let go, to forget all her struggles for a moment; and that's what her instinct start to scream. Callie slowly gets lost in the penetrating blue eyes and begins to approach Arizona.

She stops in front of the blonde, only a few inches away, brings her hands to Arizona's face and caresses her gently. Her fingers wander like ghosts around the contours of her face, while the blonde rests her hand on Callie's waist.

There is no hurry here, lust and the lack of sanity will be welcomed later; but this moment is just about connecting, discovering and remembering.

. . .

After she's finished mapping Arizona's face, the brunette holds her face in her hands gently and seeks out her lips; she doesn't touch them, not yet, but her intentions are clear.

Callie tilts her head a little to find the right angle and catches Arizona's lips; but they are only whispering caresses, and she stops. She looks at her eyes, and returns to her fleeting touches, never closing the distance completely.

Arizona smiles, she feels the freedom of Callie in that act and she is fascinated; but it's a torture, even if it's a delicious torture.

In an unexpected movement, when the smile has yet to disappear, the blonde grabs the brunette's lower lip between her teeth; and she smiles against her mouth.

They stay like this for a moment, smiling and breathing the same air. And in a synchronized movement, finally, their mouths are connected in a sensual kiss; soft and full of yearning.

. . .

Heartbeats speed up, echoing through the walls of the room, as electric shocks pass through their bodies, leaving no question in where the night will lead.

Callie, captured by the sensations she experiences, deepens the kiss.

Her tongue, without timidity, bursts into the blonde's mouth and is received with the same eagerness. Their tongues make contact explosively, and the heat begins to increase. Lips moist, hot, and expectant.

Hands seek out the other's body, in the need to feel, touch, and caress; everything that they'd held back for so long explodes with no care of the destruction left in its wake.

Arizona moves her hands between the brunette's waist and hips. Callie's hands, that had remained against Arizona's face, comes to life again and she lowers them to her neck, making her way to her shoulders; then strokes up and down against her arms.

Their bodies collide with each other as the kiss becomes hungrier.

Breathing becomes difficult as they reluctantly part.

Their bodies are tightly joined while they try to level their breath.

There are no words needed, and there is no doubt; only honesty and desires.

When their lungs are fully restored with oxygen, Arizona begins to place light kisses against Callie's chin, climbing up her jaw until she reaches her ear.

There she breathes, blows and gently bites her lobe; the brunette instinctively tilts her head to one side, offering up an easier access to the blonde and moans at the sensations. Arizona smiles at her reaction, and repeats the motion, hoping to get more reactions from her partner.

Arizona returns to Callie's lips with a hungrier kiss. Their tongues struggle, their teeth clash, the dampness of their lips consumes them and the heat intoxicates them.

Their bodies are pressed together firmly, their breasts and pelvis collide with each other, and their legs seek to accommodate each other.

The moisture already accumulates in the most remote places of their anatomy, palpitations that began little by little, are now strong beats that are yearning for attention.

The excitation comes with unusual force and the atmosphere becomes stifling. They are lost in the explorations of their bodies and in the sensations they experience.

. . .

In the midst of the frantic struggle of kisses and frictions, of explorations and sensations; Arizona stops, pulling away to look at Callie.

The brunette can see in the blonde's eyes the desire and the excitement, but also sees respect and something stronger that she doesn't dare name.

Arizona's hands reaches for the bottom of Callie's shirt, and slowly begins to release the buttons one by one, whilst dropping little kisses on Callie's lips.

When she reaches the last button, just above the neckline, she stops and looks straight into brown eyes; she releases the button and the shirt opens.

Her eyes scan the exposed skin, as she bites her lip. She looks up into Callie's eyes and smiles reassuringly before returning to the skin in front of her. With the tip of her fingers, she reaches out for the brunette's collarbone, carefully running outwards and inward. Callie closes her eyes, enjoying the touch, while Arizona descends diagonally to the top of her breasts, and stops her sight on the scar in middle of the chest.

Arizona wants to know and remember every inch of Callie's body, she wants to run her fingers and put her lips on that scar, but doesn't want to cause Callie any discomfort; that's why she eludes the scar. Her fingers continue their way to her abdomen, and as she traces patterns there, she finds another scar near her ribs; she is tempted again to concentrate there.

Those scars are more than mere marks on the skin, they are part of Callie's experiences and memories, and Arizona doesn't want to be reckless. However, she hopes that one day she will feel at liberty to delve into every visible and invisible mark that Callie has; but Arizona knows that today is not that day.

Arizona reluctantly pulls away from those marks and makes her way from Callie's collarbone to her shoulders; she slips off her shirt and lets it fall carelessly to the floor. Callie opens her eyes and watches as the blonde looks at her. Arizona moves her hands to the hem of her own shirt and pulls it over her head, eyes never once leaving Callie's

The brunette is captivated by the blonde's beauty, and her hands instantly reach out for her skin. Flat and hard abdomen, slim waist and prominent hipbones; soon Callie pulls her in hard from the waist, and they kiss with hunger.

The heat and the excitement continue to increase, and as they kiss they struggle to take off their pants, until they're left only in their underwear. With their skin touching directly, the heat becomes overwhelming; and their hands wander hurriedly against the other's bare skin.

Arizona begins to guide Callie to the bed without losing contact, and when the brunette's legs collide against the mattress, the blonde pushes her back gently. Callie falls, shifting up on her elbows, and moves higher without ever losing eye contact.

Arizona begins approaching on the right side on her knees and she lies down, holding her weight on her left arm, with her face close, hovering over the brunette. As they begin to kiss again, her hand runs up and down Callie's side to her waist, hips and thighs.

Callie's hands map their own path on the blonde's body, running up her back from her waist; and soon her fingers are tangled in blond hair as their kiss becomes more passionate, more desperate.

Arizona brings one of her hands to Callie's chest, and the brunette's breathing hitches. She caresses and runs her fingers gently over the lace bra, and the edge of exposed skin.

Arizona leaves the brunette's lips, moving to her ear and without stopping the motion of her hands, she whispers. - Open your legs. - Her voice is hoarse, full of arousal, and the brunette complies immediately.

The blonde straddles the brunette's leg, her thigh comes into contact with Callie's aching center, and she pushes up. - Fuck! - Callie hisses against the contact, and chokes on her words.

Arizona repeats the motion, pressing her own sex against Callie's leg at the same time and moans at the contact. - Holy fuck! -.

Callie grips her ass hard and pulls the blonde towards her; they grind each other desperately in need of contact. The feeling is too much for Arizona, and she doesn't want this to end quickly.

So she pauses for a second, hiding her face in Callie's neck, trying to control herself, but it's impossible; she can't stop the movement of her hips, causing the contact against their centers to become more heated. She throws her head back and opened her mouth with a satisfied groan. - Ah! -

The heat and the pleasure becomes all too much.

. . .

One of Arizona's hands reaches behind Callie. Reading her intention, she arches her back, and the blonde releases the clasp, freeing the restraints to Callie's chest.

When this happens, she leans back and her gaze rises from the breasts to Callie's eyes. - You're absolutely beautiful, Calliope. - She lets herself fall on her lips once more, lowering down to her neck, paving her way to one of her breasts, and she catches it in her mouth.

\- Arizona... - The brunette's voice comes out in a whisper as she pushes her chest up against the blonde's mouth. Arizona hums delights, while with the other hand caresses the other breast; Callie feels her whole body start to burn.

Callie's need to feel more of her partner dislodges the blonde from her chest; but she doesn't care right now, her only focus is having the blonde's breasts exposed to her.

Callie nervously pushes Arizona upwards until she's sitting up with the blonde straddling her thighs.

She fixates her eyes on the actions of her hands as the roam across the blonde's thighs, hips, waist, and crawls slowly up the flat pane of her stomach. Slowly, she reaches the blonde's breasts, and caresses them gently. She licks her lips, savouring the image in front of her, and her gaze rises to meet blue eyes. She catches a nipple between her fingers, pinching it, and pulls her in by the neck with her other hand and they collide in an urgent kiss, swallowing the blonde's moan.

Callie alternates between wet kisses, and bites, as she descends from her neck to her breasts. She admires the blonde's breasts for a moment, before her tongue comes into contact with the nipple soothing away any pain her fingers may have inflicted; and small moans of approval are heard in the room.

Wanting to give Arizona more, Callie ventures one of her hands between the blonde's legs. Slowly approaching to the blonde's core, and soon her fingers descend, almost like ghosts, rubbing, pushing, and stimulating the wet heat. Arizona stiffens at the contact, holding on the brunette's shoulders, with her head thrown back, and her eyes closed

Callie flips their position, pushing the blonde onto the bed as she hovers over her, her mouth continues to roam, from her breasts to her navel; she stops, her face close to the blonde's pelvis allowing her to smell her arousal; a smell that intoxicates her and that she soon intends to savour.

The brunette's hands reaches for Arizona's panties, and her fingers hook on each side. She takes a deep breath and buried her nose in the skin just above the elastic, as if she wants to catch every bit of the blonde's scent; until she looks up at Arizona. - Open your eyes. - The blonde's eyes shot open to meet the brunette's eyes, and without looking away from each other, Callie lowered her panties.

. . .

Arizona lay completely bare before her, and after taking a few moments to take in the sight; the brunette licked her lips, searching the blonde for any signs for hesitance, before continuing.

Callie dragged her hand between Arizona's thighs, and stopped just before she reached her goal. The blonde's chest raised and fell rapidly as Callie finally touched her. Just the slightest pressure caused Arizona to moan in pleasure.

\- You're so wet, Arizona. - The brunette whispered, biting her lip, as she moved her finger along the blonde's wet slit.

\- You make me like this, Calliope, only you. - Her words are like fuel for Callie, who grabs her by the back of her neck and pulls her forward to crash into a hungry kiss.

\- Calliope! You feel so good. - The blonde groans out between kisses, and the brunette smiles. Callie wants to discover more about her body, and Arizona wasn't going to deny that to her.

Before Callie could go any further, Arizona flipped their positions again, as Callie fell back on the mattress without removing her fingers from the blonde. Callie watched in confusion as Arizona grabbed her wrist, removing her hand from the blonde's heat with a shudder and raised her hand over her head. - I want you naked. - She ran her other hand down her body until she reached the damp fabric covering Callie's core, causing her to lift her hips involuntarily. - I want to feel your skin against mine. –

The blonde seeks the edge of Callie's panties to pull it down, and once complete bare, they returned to their position. - I want to feel you against me, Calliope. - Arizona says softly, and in response, the brunette grabs her hips as Arizona lifts one of her legs to wrap around her so that their wet cores are connected.

. . .

They move in tune, slowly and sensually, as their clitoris rub together. Slowly, the pressure increases as the unrelenting throb in their cores threatens to make them explode.

The atmosphere is charged with electricity.

Red faces, eyes darkened.

Every kiss, every glance, and every touch leading up to this shared peak of pleasure did not go unnoticed; their breaths began to become more difficult, their heart rate was getting faster, and the pace of their movements became more frenetic.

A trail of sweat began to appear on their bodies, as, together, they reached a point of no return.

Callie started to trail her hand down Arizona's body, but before she could make contact, the blonde spoke. - No, no, Calliope... just... we have all night... please... just for now… I want you like this... - The brunette bites her lip and nods.

Soon, everything begins to become foggy, their breathing is stuttered; their hearts quicken and their bodies begin to overflow.

Arizona thinks that having Callie, in this way, is more than just pleasure just for fun. It's not just about connecting two bodies in search of a climax; it's also the beating of their hearts that are uniting, meeting and becoming one.

. . .

Movements, increasingly frantic, take over both women, and soon the accumulated pressure becomes uncontrollable and unsustainable. It feels as if an electric shock has been direct from their clit to their brain as their muscles contract, and spasms take control over their bodies.

They come, one followed by the other, with cries of pleasure, satisfaction and release, as a powerful orgasm that spreads like current to every fiber of their bodies; and trying cling to all the sensations as much as possible, together squeezing out every last drop of pleasure.

They try to level their breaths, while their chests rise and fall against each other, and remain still and silent for a moment.

Slowly the blonde moves off of Callie's body and falls back beside her. Breathing is still hard as their hearts continue to pound in fever, yet the heat has not disappeared.

The sound of panting fills the room.

\- That was... - Arizona tries to find and articulate words, but can't.

\- Yeah... - Callie agrees, voice hoarse.

. . .

Arizona POV

This must be a dream, because no matter how often I'd hope and wanted, I knew it wasn't possible and I can't believe it. I've never felt anything with intensity. I've never felt so connected to someone before.

Sex for me was always a means of pleasure and satisfaction of only the body. But tonight was different. I don't know if it is reciprocal, but I felt so in tune with Calliope, that I want to believe that it was.

Even so, I feel that Callie will not be able accept what's happened between us. Because after today I'm certain that Calliope has feelings for me, even though she will fight against them and try to deny it.

But I'm sure that there's something special about this and we will have our opportunity, whether it be now or later.

. . .

\- That was unexpected. - Callie still speaks with effort, and Arizona smiles looking at the ceiling. - I'm surprised... - Arizona turns and rests her elbow on mattress; head falling on her hand, and her eyes narrowed, as she looks Callie. - That is to say... that I've always liked sex, and I enjoyed it, but today... I don't know... it was different... - She smiles.

\- You know? - Callie turns to look at Arizona, who remained silent for a while. - For me, this is all new, I had never connected so strongly with anyone... - Arizona wanted to say so much more, but she realized that this wasn't the right time. - I mean... we understood each other very well... - She smiles and changes the direction of the conversation. - If you want to... - She leans forward and caresses Callie's abdomen with her hand. - We could find out other ways to surprise us. - The blonde speaks sensually.

Callie, unaware of what Arizona was trying to say, spoke.

\- Yeah? - Callie turns, imitating Arizona's position and watches her in silence. - I think... it might be a good idea.

Quickly, she rolled over the blonde's body with a smile, supporting both hands at the sides of Arizona's head, to maintain her weight.

Their faces were close.

Callie ran the tip of her tongue over Arizona's half-open lips. - I think... – She nibbles the blonde's lips. - That we could... – She leaves little kisses on her lips. - Go in many ways... - She kisses her way across her jaw, to her ear, and plays with the soft skin. - But there's something I want to do before anything else.

Arizona feels her body heating up again. - What... thing? -

\- To taste you... I want to feel you in my mouth. - She whispers as she licks at the shell of the blonde's ear.

Arizona's breath hitches at the sensations, and she grabs at Callie's hair, forcing her to face her to claim her lips; it's a scorching kiss, and Callie smiles over her mouth.

The brunette allows this moment of dominance, before she slowly begins to descend down Arizona's body. The blonde bites her lip and closed her eyes in anticipation of what is to come.

Callie is a few inches from the object of her desire, but stops and looks at the blonde. Arizona upon feeling the loss of contact, opens her eyes, looks down, and realizes the way the brunette is looking at her, and her heart begins to run uncontrollably.

Then Callie begins her pilgrimage, guided by the aroma that catches her senses; Arizona watches, as the brunette gets lost between her legs.

As Arizona feels the touch of the tongue, she arches her back, throws her head back and closes her eyes tightly. - Calliope... -

Soon her hands cling tightly to the sheets and everything begins again. Tonight was her night, and she could never have enough of Calliope.

. . .

Night became the dawn, and the hours passed unnoticed; they were lost in time and space.

They explored, discovered and worshiped, each other.

And when they could no longer move, when their bodies were already sore and the fatigue was superior to any other desire; they fell asleep tired and satisfied.

Nothing had mattered; it was only the two of them tonight. There were no memories, no fears, no questioning.

There would be time to think and analyse later.

. . .

\- Present time -

Arizona POV

As I woke up, I moved and felt my aching muscles. I smiled at the memories of last night. I turned to the side, looking for the body to which I have become addicted to, but the only thing I encountered was a empty, cold side. I grabbed my phone to look at the time, 07:25 am.

My smile fell abruptly.

I didn't want to panic, and I didn't want to think that my fears that Callie would consider this mistake would come true. What happened was the best thing my life had ever had, and I wanted Callie to feel the same, but I was scared.

And so, a morning that had started so pleasantly and become filled with fear. Arizona dropped back onto the mattress, snorted aloud and lay motionless, staring at the ceiling.

. . .

After a few hours of internal debating, I finally decided to face the world; I couldn't keep analyzing things and filling my head with conjecture.

I needed to hear Callie; I needed her to be honest with me. I deserved it, for our friendship and everything we'd been through together.

I would face her and my feelings. I would accept anything so as not to lose her friendship, as pathetic as it sounded. I didn't want her leaving because she felt differently, perhaps for her it had meant nothing, and everything about me that was confusing her became clear when she woke up.

I got dressed and left the room, and but didn't find her in the house. I went out on the terrace and in the distance, I saw her sitting in front of the sea, lost in her thoughts.

I made my way toward her, the cold hitting my face as I walked, and my bones almost were numb. Was this an omen of how I would feel once I'd confronted Callie?

. . .

General POV

The air is cold and damp. The sound of waves breaking echoed in her ears. The thick fog settled and the sun was a mere spectator. Today is the last day here and Callie had many mixed feelings.

She had been there for a while, at some point she had decided to go for a walk and didn't mind the cold; she wanted to clear her mind and hoped that she could come to some agreement with herself.

. . .

Arizona walked through the sand, and as she did, she couldn't help noticing how beautiful she looked even from afar. Her hair tousled by the wind as she looked out at the horizon, it was a sublime sight for her.

She couldn't stop thinking, why, when her heart had finally opened up for someone, when she could finally give everything she had, things became so complicated.

Her blond hair hit her face and her lips were dry with the wind. Her heart was racing as she approached. Uncertainty was beginning to govern her, and her intentions began to fall.

Perhaps she should leave things as it was, forget about it, and pretend that nothing happened and wait for them to get back to normal, but how could she do that? Even if she wanted to, nothing would be the same.

She sighed deeply at her own thoughts, and felt that she couldn't complain; she knew what could've happened. Callie hadn't lied, she was honest about how confused she was and had avoided going any further with her.

But she was already there, and she just had to know what was going to happen.

. . .

\- Hey! - The blonde spoke timidly, grabbing Callie's attention. She was nervous, frightened, and suddenly she didn't want to know anything anymore, and she wanted to pretend everything was fine. - What are you doing here in this cold? - Callie looked away from the front and turned to her with watery eyes.

\- Arizona. - She didn't know what else to say. - Mmmm... I just needed some air. - Callie shook her head, how could she say that? Arizona would think that she needed to be away from her, when the truth was, she wanted to run from herself. - I just wanted to think. - Well, her choice of words was not the best.

The blonde stood at her side and hugged herself, trying to weather the cold she felt and to support herself; she thought she would fall at any moment at the feeling of emptiness that had invaded her.

\- Can I join you? - The blonde was at a loss for words; she just wanted to feel the heat and happiness of the night before.

\- Of course. - Arizona approached Callie and sat down beside her, their arms brushing against their sides.

Callie felt Arizona's fear, saw so much question and uncertainty in her eyes, that she scolded herself for being the cause. This Arizona was so different from last night, or the usual. She looked weak, fearful, and timid.

In an act of protection, and of comfort, the brunette unwrapped the blanket around herself and threw the other end over the blonde to cover them. Arizona was surprised by the gesture, but she didn't refuse, she needed the closeness and to feel safe.

\- Thanks. - Arizona smiled. - It's cold. - Callie looked at the blonde's profile as she spoke.

\- Yeah. –

Once again silence was all there was between them; but Arizona soon broke it.

\- I know you're probably thinking that last night was a mistake. - The brunette was startled. - But I jut need you to know something. - Arizona took a deep breath to gather her strength, she had never felt the need to express what she felt so clearly to anyone before. - It wasn't a mistake for me... - Callie looked at her and tried to say something, but Arizona wouldn't let her. - Just let me finish, Calliope. - The brunette nodded. – Being with you, I've never felt this with anyone else before... and I know... maybe its not the right moment, but I still want to say it. - Silence. - For me, last night was not a mistake, nor was it just about satisfying a need, an urge... for me, last night was about everything that I feel about you, things that I can't sat out loud… and I know that it doesn't mean the same thing for you and that you are in a bad place... but it meant everything to... I... - A knot was forming in her throat and she mentally reproached herself for being so emotional. She breathed and swallowed the knot; she had to finish saying what she felt. -... but I need to know that this won't change anything between us... because I can bear anything, but I can't bear losing you... I _can't_ lose you... because above all you are my best friend... and I'm sorry I let this happen, especially here in this place... because I know that this is killing you... - silence. – And maybe you need space away from me... but I... just... please don't let this ruin what we had. – She finally got out everything that she felt and all the fears that had been plaguing her since her woke up alone this morning.

Callie watched as the blonde rambled on emotionally, but she wasn't able to react. She remained silent trying to get the puzzle together in her brain. She knew she had to say something, she had to be honest with Arizona, and she deserved it.

Maybe what she said wasn't what the blonde wanted to hear, but she owed it to her. So she had to look inside herself, find answers and be sincere.

. . .


	19. Chapter 19

_*Rated change to M. Read chapter 18, I've uploaded two._

* * *

Arizona's hope seemed to disappear the longer Callie remained silent. The blonde just wanted to run away, she couldn't understand how she could move from happiness to sadness so quickly. She didn't understand how Callie couldn't accept that she felt something too. Was it so difficult? Was it too much to ask?

Arizona looked ahead, her eyes filled with tears, and she didn't want Callie to see them; it took everything in her to keep them from falling.

It was hard for Arizona, but it was true when she said she could handle anything except for losing Callie's friendship. So it didn't matter if Callie returned her feelings or not; maybe she'd finally realized that she didn't feel anything and now she couldn't find the words to say things without sounding harsh and cruel. But none of that mattered anymore; Arizona just wanted to know if the night before would ruin their friendship.

Callie desperately searched through her mind to try to form a coherent thought. - Arizona... - Callie looked at the blonde's profile, and watched as her jaw tightened. She sighed remorsefully. - I... I'm sorry... - She'd never meant for this to happen.

\- You don't have to apologize, I understand... I just need to know if this will affect our friendship. - The blonde sounded a little rough, but it was all she wanted to know now. She never met the brown eyes that stared at her

\- Arizona, I'm really sorry... - The blonde interrupts again.

\- Seriously Callie, it's okay. I understand... just answer the question... That's all I need to know. - Arizona felt her emotions could explode at any moment.

\- Our friendship is more important than anything else. - The brunette answered quickly, but there was much more she wanted to say. She only needed Arizona to stop, for just a moment, and lower her guard.

Callie felt horrible for being the cause of Arizona's distress. But she also wanted to express how she felt, she wanted the blonde to understand and listen. She was trying to sort her head quickly, because Arizona's speech had caught her by surprise.

Arizona already had what she wanted to know, and now she just wanted to spend some time alone before they returned to Seattle. She nodded slowly and went to speak, but Callie stopped her. - Could you let me finish talking? - Arizona, still staring at the horizon, nodded and accepted unwillingly.

Callie wanted to be clear, so she began to weave her thoughts and feelings so that they could come out coherent.

\- I'm so sorry... I made a mistake, and maybe you'll hate me for it... - Silence. - Because I shouldn't have left you without saying anything... but I needed to think... I needed to clear my head... because... you're right... my head is a mess... when I woke up, it felt like my world had collapsed... I was naked and when I felt what hung on my chest, my necklace, I couldn't believe that I had forgotten about Laura and where we were. It hurt me so much to forget her, because she was my whole life before... and... - She shook her head - I went out trying to clear my mind... and I'm sorry... it shouldn't have happened like this. I know you have feelings for me and I have never wanted to hurt you.

Arizona just looked ahead and listened, and with every word Callie spoke it felt like she was become smaller and smaller. She didn't want to stay on this beach, in this place anymore; she just wanted to go home. She couldn't forget last night, and she was unable to forget everything she experienced. This must have been a nightmare, because her dreams never ended like this.

\- Everything inside me… is just a huge mess... and I don't know how to handle this. - The blonde came out of her thoughts; she'd assumed that Callie had finished, so she was surprised. She felt Callie's eyes on her, but she couldn't look at her. - But... - The brunette took a deep breathe for strength. - In spite of that... this wasn't a mistake... _you're_ not a mistake.

Arizona suddenly felt as if one of the waves she was seeing broke into her. She thought she was imagining what she hearing, her subconscious wanted so much to hear Callie say something like that, that she just imagined. So her analytical mind tried not to make illusions, and was immune to the brunette's words; she made no comment, and no expression crossed her face.

\- It wasn't a mistake... - Callie repeated, and Arizona was just confused, what was Callie talking about? - Arizona... - Callie sighed – Look at me, please... Arizona? - Arizona clenched her jaw tightly.

\- I heard you, but I don't know what you want from me... - She sighed, still refusing to look at Callie. - I don't even know if you know what _you_ want. - Callie, reluctantly, gave a smile and looked down at her hands. - First you tell me it was a mistake, and then, all of a sudden, it's not?

Callie was silent for a moment, she thought about what she was going to say, and she wished things weren't so complicated. She took a deep breath, then looked up and finally meeting blue eyes... that infinite ocean that she was brave enough to jump into last night.

Arizona had only looked towards Callie when the brunette wasn't paying attention, but when the brunette looked up; she was caught and couldn't take her eyes away.

It was the first time they'd met each other's eyes unflinchingly; and when Callie got lost in the blue, she found the strength to continue talking.

\- There are many things that have been weighing on my mind since this morning... but in spite of everything, there is one thing that I am sure of... - Silence, their eyes locked. - And I think it's that, why, all my feelings... - Callie feels like her eyes are slowly filling with moisture. - What happened last night... it wasn't a mistake for me... even with everything I've felt since this morning, it wasn't a mistake... - Silence. - That's why I felt disturbed and wanted to flee, because my head is conflicted between the constant struggle of what's happening with me, with you and the mess that is my life right now.

Arizona was stunned, had she heard right? She didn't know how to react; should she say something? She felt her heart beating in a hurry as the brunette continued.

\- My mistake was leaving without saying anything, but what happened last night wasn't a mistake, believe me... I'm aware of what happened, every part, every second and I can't get it out of me... I finally felt free again, after a very long time... - Silence. - And... That scares me... I never thought I'd feel something like that again... but then came the feelings of guilt, because there's the other part that I can't leave behind... my memories... Laura... - Her voice becomes weaker. - That's when all my feelings became conflicted... between her and you...

Callie was finally breaking down her walls; she wanted to, she needed to, because she wanted to stop feeling trapped in the past. Her life was Laura and she always thought she couldn't go on, even when she was no longer physically. But since her life began to improve and move on the rest, she began to think that perhaps it would be possible to take that step too.

Lately she was feeling the weight of loneliness intensely and felt that something was missing in her heart. But still, it had always been like that... just a feeling, a thought... until recently when she began to feel differently around Arizona. Something that she tried to deny, but that last night she hadn't been able to avoid it anymore and was drowned by that feeling. In spite of everything that came over her this morning, it was as if her heart had started again that night.

\- Arizona, the things between you and me. I've wanted to deny it so many times, but last night... it was simply impossible. But... although I know that you aren't indifferent to me, and with everything that happened last night... there is still something that's stopping me, that's telling me that I can't afford to go any further... and… You know? I've thought a lot about the future. I've tried to get my head in order, but it's so hard. - She looks out to sea, and breathes heavily, holding back tears. - I wish I could move on... I would like to open up and feel free again. - Arizona felt her eyes fill with tears, too. - Arizona... I wish I could escape from all of this, to be able to jump, to take that leap and find out what's there for me... but... – Her breathing is stuttered as she struggles with her tears. - I don't know how to do it.

Arizona felt as if she could breath again, she _wasn't_ a mistake to Callie and she felt something. Arizona felt happy, she wanted to jump and scream; but she couldn't, because she felt the weight behind Callie's words, and she needed to hear everything she had to say.

\- I never believed that it would be possible to keep moving after everything that I've lived through, and I did; but I never saw the possibility of opening my heart to someone again, because I didn't think I had anything left in me to give... but... now... when I'm with you, I feel like I could... but then, all those feelings of guilt come back... thoughts that take control of my mind and tell me that I can't, that I shouldn't, that I don't deserve it... and then my heart seems to say yes... and I'm so exhausted by the constant conflicting emotions.

Callie's feelings were coming out like torrents, it was like if they didn't come out today, then they never would; but maybe that was the point of this trip... to face the past, to get some closure, or at least to try and let the past go, little by little, and deal with the present.

Arizona just listened and watched as the emotions passed the brunette's face, she wanted so much to be able to do something to get all those conflicts out of her mind; but she knew it wasn't in her hands.

\- I just wish I could do it... but I don't know how. - Silence. - And I don't know what will happen... but if you're worried, I don't want this to ruin our friendship... because like you, and I need you by my side too. - Arizona put her hand on the brunette's knee and squeezed, and Callie stared at her hand.

\- I'm always going to be your friend first, Calliope, and no matter what happens, you will always have me. - Callie lifted her eyes and met Arizona's once again.

After a moment of silence again, Callie spoke. It is as if she had the need to say everything she felt and thought. She was tired of keeping everything, because it was drowning her.

\- I want to be happy again, I want my heart to feel full again... I want to stop feeling that loneliness that consumes me at night, I want to stop being sad... I want... so many things... but I don't know how to leave everything behind. - Callie lets her tears fall freely, she didn't need to hide from Arizona.

\- Calliope, I want to help you... – She paused as she collected her thoughts. - I've always told you, talking to someone will help... I know we've shared pretty much everything about our lives as our friendship grew, and I've never wanted to push about things that you hid from me, but now that you've started to open up to me, it don't close yourself again... I want to be there for you... I'll be by your side any way you need me... -

Arizona paused for a moment, that wasn't all she wanted to say; there was something else, that she didn't dare say, and after analysing what was in her mind, or rather in her heart, she wondered if it would be a good idea.

Then, she took a deep breath to gather some courage and took a leap of faith, she had never done it before, but Calliope was different... and if she wanted her by her side, she knew she had to be brave and fight.

\- God! I know I said I'd be by your side in whatever way you need, and if it's just as your friend... that's what I'll be... but... - Arizona was nervous, it was now or never. – Just give me a chance... - Callie was surprised. - Give me a chance, please, Calliope... I don't want to be just your friend... there's something between us, I felt it last night... I've felt it before, and I feel it now. Do you feel it? When we're together, when we look at each other... Can't you feel it? – She pauses briefly. - Just a chance, Calliope... last night I gave you my heart in a way I've never done before, and when I thought that I was a mistake to you, that broke me... but now... now that you've told me how you feel... I know there's something between us... can you feel it?

\- Arizona... I... - Callie was stunned and scared at the same time.

\- Just tell me, Calliope, can you feel it? - After a silent moment, Callie breathed and decided to be as brave as Arizona has been.

\- Yes... but it scares me... - Arizona smiled and nodded.

\- I know this may sound crazy, but... would you give me a chance to work on it together? I know it's hard for you... but life isn't over yet. It is possible to believe again Calliope, as long as your heart is beating... there is always hope... you have to believe that it's still possible to be happy, even though your heart is shrouded by fear. - Arizona leaned forward to catch Callie's eyes, but her attention was lost in the horizon for a moment. - Give me a chance Calliope... I want you, and I know we can have a future together…I can feel it... - Her voice came almost in a whisper.

\- I want to, but I don't know how. - The brunette looked away again.

\- What does that mean? - The blonde gave her a tender smile.

\- I... want to... but I'm not ready for that... I'd like to try... but... – She faded off into silence.

\- You deserve a chance Calliope, _we_ deserve a chance... we can take things one step at a time, you don't need to rush... but... are you willing to give me that chance? Are you willing to give yourself that chance? - Arizona asked patiently.

\- But what if it doesn't work... and what if we can't come back from this? - Callie was afraid.

\- But what if it works? – Arizona asked in return. - There are only two possibilities, Calliope, but we'll never know if we don't try... - Callie took a deep breath... she had to do it, to give herself a chance.

\- You'll need to have patience with me... You... you can't get tired of me... and you can't just give up if things get difficult... please... I just... - The blonde interrupted Callie's nervous rambling.

\- I promise you'll that I'll have the patience of a Saint. I won't get tired, and I will never surrender... because it isn't only about you. – Her voice was filled with emotion. - I want you, Calliope and I will wait as long as you need, and I will always stand by you... I want you happy; I want to be happy... I want us to be happy together... I'm in this, one hundred per cent, and that's my pledge, I swear... - Arizona smiled.

Both women found themselves in an embrace full of strength and hope. There were implicit promises in that embrace, in those words, and in everything they had shared.

. . .

Arizona couldn't believe how her morning had gone from such a high, to a heart breaking low and back up to an overwhelming high again in just a few moments; but she was happy. She couldn't believe that Callie was giving her a chance to be together, something that had only ever happened in her dreams; but it was now a reality and she was going to take advantage that opportunity. She would show Callie that she could make her happy, that they could have a wonderful future together, and that their story could be amazing.

On the other hand, Callie could still feel the confliction in the forefront of her mind, but right now, she felt good. She wanted to be happy, she wanted to leave everything behind and maybe it would be difficult, but it was worth it. Her life was worth it, and Laura would want her to be happy, it was time to try to keep going. Arizona inspired her to keep going and she would take it from that, last night hadn't been a mistake... maybe it wasn't the right time or place... but what she felt, what she experienced was real. She just had to fix her heart and stop being afraid, so that nothing tarnished the story she could have with Arizona; her best friend, and now someone who had become something more.

A smile flickered across Callie's face; she felt comfortable and warm in Arizona's arms. Last night, for the first time, her loneliness and fears had subsided for a while, but she didn't want it to be just a moment. She wanted it to go forever, but she knew that in order to achieve that, she needed complete closure.

Arizona broke away and was caught by Callie's beauty. She smiled at her, leaning in to rest her forehead against Callie's; their nose brushed, and they felt their hearts beat in sync. The blonde wanted to kiss her, but she would not rush things... they were together now… They had time.

\- I think it's time to go back. - Arizona fought her desire to kiss the brunette, because she'd promised that they'd take things one step at a time, and knew they still had more to talk about. So she took Callie's face in her hands, and placed a gentle kiss on Callie's forehead.

\- Yes... - Callie looked at her with a smile.

Arizona stood up and extended her hand to Callie. - Let's go. - The brunette took the hand and stood up.

They made their way back to the house slowly, there was no rush... the silence was pleasant, just enjoying each other's company, their hands brushed, and soon their hands were joined.

They smiled to each other.

It felt natural.

It felt good.

This was the beginning, of a long journey.

. . .

The rest of the morning passed quietly, and around midday they were ready to leave. Arizona leant against the passenger door, waiting for Callie.

Callie took some time for herself before leaving the house. This place had witnessed her best days and today she knew that that was already part of her past, a wonderful past; but she couldn't let that rule her life anymore. She had to keep everything in a special part of her heart, because she had to make room for new experiences. Who knew what the future had in store for her?

She smiled as she looked at everything; she grabbed her necklace and could almost hear Laura's laughter. She smiled again; she had given everything to Laura during her life. Now it was time to give something to herself in order to truly heal. It would take time, but she had already decided it was what she wanted, she had found someone special that was worth it.

She took a deep breath and left.

The sadness would go away, she knew it.

. . .

Arizona felt with renewed energy, revitalized and light, and smiled stupidly. Since last night, she had gone through many feelings and emotional changes; but now she felt full and at peace. She'd thought, so many times, that she would never have a chance with Callie, but now that she had it, and that it was something real, that she was not going to let go.

She was lost in her thoughts as she watched Callie approach. - Everything okay? - She asked with a concerned smile.

\- Yeah... everything's fine. - The brunette smiled sadly as she closed the trunk, and when she made her way to the driver's door, she felt Arizona's hand gripping hers.

\- Are you sure? - She waited for an answer. - Calliope... be honest, it's the only way you'll be able to move forward - Callie smiled at her.

\- It's just hard, but I'm fine... and I know it's going to get better. - She leaned forward and kissed her cheek; the blonde smiled in response.

\- Then it's time to go. I'll drive; you relax. - She winked and they got into the car.

They started their journey back to Seattle with the music accompanying them along the way. They took a few stops along the way, there were stolen glances, shy smiles and handholding.

Everything was going to go slowly between them. This was their new beginning and in it was the power to make their future splendorous.

. . .


	20. Chapter 20

.

\- (26 November 2013) -

Callie and Arizona had forgotten the hustle and bustle of Seattle Grace during their stay at Whitman, and since their return a little over a week ago, their time together was limited.

Even so, Arizona still walked with her head in the clouds, her smile had grown and there was a glow to her that everyone could see. Her eyes and smile betrayed her, but she didn't share the reason why.

Her feelings for the brunette seemed to grow more every day. Callie filled her with hope, dreams, yearnings and desires that she never thought she'd wanted.

Everything between them was good, but they were moving slowly. There was no intimacy, only looks and gestures or words that sometimes escaped them. Every time she was with Callie, the sparks would jump and she had to fight to keep still. Sometimes, all she wanted was to be able to kiss and touch her, but she knew they had to take it one step at a time. It was difficult for Arizona, because she wanted to be able to express her feelings through contact, but even then, she left the ball in Callie's court.

For Arizona, the trip to the beach was a complete surprise. Her intention was to go and support Callie. Never, in her wildest dreams, came the idea that she would return with an opportunity, or that they would share such a wonderful night.

The blonde wanted to experience it again, but she wanted it to be perfect this time, and she knew it would be. She wanted to be able to express everything without being afraid, and she didn't want to be measured with her feelings; she wanted to feel free and wanted the brunette to feel the same. But she knew that everything would come with time, and that it was more than worth the wait.

The blonde sighed at her thoughts and smiled, she'd never felt more alive, or happier than she did now.

. . .

Despite her happiness, Arizona was exhausted. She loved her job, but all she wanted was for her week to end. She had been working since they came back from their weekend away, everyday, tirelessly so her body and mind were resentful. But there was something that renewed and filled her with energy. Calliope.

She was her oxygen and she needed her. She wanted to share as much as possible, and every time she thought about it, she smiled. Her feelings were agitated and unmanageable.

Arizona had seen very little of Callie and missed her enormously. They had been together for some lunches and saw each other at the end of the day, but it wasn't enough. She wanted to go out, and spend some time together outside of the hospital. So she had decided she wouldn't wait for the weekend. She would invite Callie to dinner tonight.

. . .

Arizona had just finished her rounds, so she took a breather and went in search of Callie. She was moving by inertia as she walked, she wasn't functioning in full mode and her mind was screaming for a break, but first she needed to see Callie.

* Where are you?

She pressed to send and after a few seconds she received her reply.

* Trying to rest, in the usual place ;)

Arizona smiled and went to the usual on-call room.

. . .

When she arrived, the room was dark and she took a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. Callie lay on one of the beds, and slowly, she came over to sit beside her.

\- Hey. -

\- Hey. -

They both smiled at their eloquence, but didn't say nothing more for a moment, and looked at each other in silence; a language that was being perfected every day.

Both were exhausted, and Arizona forgot why she was looking for Callie. She only had one thought, she wanted to lie down and rest next to her.

But would she be welcomed? Would Callie feel uncomfortable? They were taking things slowly, but what did that mean? Were they allowed to share a bed?

The blonde snorted at her frustration, and Callie, shuffled over to make space for her, as if she knew what Arizona was thinking, and Arizona was surprised.

\- What? - Callie asked with a smile, and narrowed her eyes.

\- Nothing... - Arizona waited for the brunette to say something else that reaffirmed what she understood.

\- You look tired, are you going to keep sitting there or are you going to lie down next to me? - Arizona just smiled and lay down on her back looking at the ceiling with hands resting on her stomach. Callie smiled again, loving that shy part of the blonde. - You can relax, we've shared more than this. - The brunette joked.

Arizona turned her head and narrowed her eyes at Callie, scolding her for what she had said. The brunette lay on her side with her elbow resting on the pillow, and her head in her hand, staring at her. - Come on, turn around and rest a little, we both need it.

Carefully, and silently, Arizona turned, facing away from Callie. The brunette put her hand under the blonde's pillow, and moved closer, leaving a small space between them, and placed her hand on the blonde's hip.

Arizona was in trouble, they hadn't been so close since night on the beach. - I don't think I can sleep. - The blonde's words came out without thinking, and Callie laughed.

\- Why? You aren't tired? –

\- Yes... it's just that... - The blonde was silent and Callie looked at her over Arizona's shoulder.

\- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable... - She moved to take her arm out, when Arizona grabbed her.

\- That's not the problem, Calliope... It's just... - She took a deep breath.

\- What is it? - Callie asked a little fear. - You don't want to try anymore? - Her voice was filled with fear. - Or... do…. Are you uncomfortable with me being so close? What is it?

Arizona felt Callie's vulnerability, and turned to look into her eyes.

\- Hey! No... It's nothing like that... quite the opposite. I feel _too_ comfortable with you. I love having you like this... I'm sorry, I didn't want you to misunderstand me. It's just that I don't know what is and isn't allowed, and I don't want to scare you off. - Callie breathed out a sigh of relief.

\- We said we would try, but we won't be able to do it if we don't talk about it. I guess I can have you like this... I know I said that we should be slow because I still have a lot of things I'm trying to work out... but, is this too much? - Arizona smiled.

\- No, Calliope its not... - She tried to shake her thoughts. - If it were up to me, I'd have you this way, and more... - Silence. - Sorry... - She probably shouldn't say that much, but she couldn't help it. - It's just that it's _hard_ to have you so close. - The blonde blushed, hoping Callie would understand her - I know that things are going to take time and... I just... I don't want to push you too far, too quickly. - Callie smiled at the blonde's words.

\- Okay... - Callie studied the blonde's eyes. - I think we should talk about this. - She smiles. - If you do something that I think is going too fast, I'll say something... and if something is too much for you, you need to tell me. We need to communicate for this to work; we can't just make assumptions. - Arizona nodded. - But I think we should try to relax more.

\- I completely agree. - Arizona hid her face under Callie's chin and put her hand on the brunette's waist. She sighed in the comfort, and they were silent for a moment. - I _did_ come here for another reason... - The blonde laughed as she remembered why she was there. - But I'm not complaining... I like having you like this... I like being with you.

\- Me too. - Callie sighed contently.

Arizona's heart swelled, hearing Callie say that she enjoyed her company. They lay there enjoying the moment, they didn't move and little by little the fatigue began to win over them, but Callie remembered what Arizona said.

\- Mmmm - Callie said drowsily. – What was the reason you came here then?

\- Do you want to have dinner with me tonight? - Callie came out of her dream.

\- Are you asking me on a date? Is it just a platonic dinner, like the ones we've had before? Or is it a _dinner_ dinner? - The brunette smiled again, Arizona lifted her face and looked at her.

\- In all honesty? - Arizona smiled. - I just want to be with you, I don't care what you call it... so… is that a yes? - She raised her eyebrows waiting for an answer.

\- Mmmm, let me check my diary... - The blonde frowned and hit her shoulder, Callie laughed.

\- Ouch! Why violence?

\- Seriously, Calliope? - The blonde makes a face of false annoyance.

\- I'm not that easy... - Arizona sat up a little and looked inquiringly. - But I think I could fit you in. - The brunette winks at her.

\- Wow! Thank you. I'm so glad there's space to fit me in, considering your busy schedule, Calliope. I feel truly honoured and fortunate. - The jokes between them were easy. - Well, then I think we could try to rest a little now, and so we'll have some energy for dinner. - Arizona settled back into Callie's embrace. It didn't take long for sleep to overcome them. Getting the time to rest was rare in their occupation, but it was even better to have been able to share the rest with each other.

. . .


	21. Chapter 21

.

\- (13 December 2013) –

It's been a few weeks since Callie returned from Whitman, and everything that happened on that trip was never something that was on her mind. The purpose of going was to get closure, to find answers to all those sensations and thoughts that thronged in her head, but she never expected what happened.

She had moved on in many ways, and her life in general was going through a good time. And even though Emily's death was something she could hardly overcome, she knew that every day could be better. However, there was another conflicting part in her heart, and it was in that, that she desperately needed clarity.

. . .

Before deciding to go to Whitman, there was much that confused her.

Callie felt very alone and felt the emptiness in her heart, so she began to wonder if her life would end like that.

She always believed that there would be no one who could make her forget Laura, she believed that her love and loyalty would be forever. So she thought that the emotionless connections were the best for her.

Was it a solution to how she felt? Most likely not, but it was a way to at least move on with life, without seemingly betraying her heart.

She was wrong.

There was someone who was constantly appearing in her thoughts, but the fear of crossing the limits of the physical, and being trapped in the emotional, was what led to her denial. And every time she thought about it, she was sad that she couldn't have just have one night with that person and to continue as if nothing had happened.

Arizona didn't deserve it.

Because, yes, she had to admit that Arizona had been in her thoughts in that way before going to the beach.

She didn't even understand why she decided to invite her. She told herself that it was because she needed support, because it wouldn't be easy going back to that place. Was it the best idea, when she was part of her conflict? Maybe not, but without knowing why, she avoided asking herself more questions, and simply invited her.

. . .

Going to Whitman was far from what it was supposed to be, or what she thought would be. Her journey met a multitude of different emotions when faced with the past and present.

The past that she thought she should honour and that she couldn't let go of, and the present that she wanted so much, but at the same time denied just as much.

She saw herself in the midst of tumultuous feelings that met and clashed like two enemy ships, but destiny, which is so wise, knew that perhaps it would be the only way to finally make her see clearly.

In principle, the journey, and the first part of her stay on the beach was a constant patter of memories, and the sadness was a faithful companion.

Then came introspection, a moment to think more calmly, and somehow be able to smile at the good memories.

Later the relief, the opening, and sharing of what she had kept to herself. Memories of experiences and dreams interrupted.

Soon came a strange release of the pain, which for so long she had contained only for her to feel. It had definitely been good to talk.

Then the unexpected, the time when everything in her head disappeared, where memories were lost and fears flew away; an encounter that was beyond any planning or thought; something that came about spontaneously and unexpectedly.

She was attracted to Arizona and the tension between them was always on the edge. But that night was different, it was a moment where she'd been able to feel again, where it felt like her heart had began to beat again. It wasn't just sex, not that night, there was something more. She was aware of it, and that was what hit her so hard when she woke up.

Arizona and Laura, both faced each other in her thoughts that morning, and guilt grew when she realized that what had happened was something that had been special.

She wanted to run from those feelings as she felt she was dis-honouring Laura's memory, but suddenly she found clarity in what she wanted from her life. Because despite everything she felt for Laura, she knew that what happened with Arizona hadn't been a mistake.

Then, for the first time, she faced her real fears.

She felt lonely and her heart devoid of life, but she didn't dare to do anything to change that, because she thought it was impossible to move on from Laura. But her new feelings for Arizona and the night they had shared played repetitively in her mind, but she was still afraid to open her heart.

But like everything else on that trip, the unexpected was what prevailed. Callie, with so much agitation of emotions, had to face her feelings and those of her friend. Because when Arizona expressed what she felt, the brunette ached to know that she was the reason for all that, and it struck something in her heart, it moved her to open up and be honest with Arizona.

She told her about her feelings and how confused she was, but when she made it clear that it hadn't been a mistake, for the first time her heart and her head were on the same page.

She spoke of her fears and her yearnings, this being the light she needed to be aware of what she wanted, even with all her fears pounding.

Callie wanted to be able to go ahead and be happy, and she realized that it wasn't a meaningless connection that she needed. Her life needed more than that. And that's where Arizona came in. Her friend was awakening feelings in her heart.

But when she thought about it, she was afraid, because the blonde made her want more and she realized that maybe she was the person who would allow her to move from Laura, and that was something she didn't even want to think about before.

She had always refused to let go of her feelings for Laura, and even though she was gone, she refused to let her go, believing that in that way she would honor her memory and her commitment forever. Hence her recent thought that it didn't matter if she became involved with another person, if her heart kept away from the equation.

Then, when Callie let it all out, she faced herself.

She realized that she wanted to accept what she felt, that she wanted to move on... it wasn't easy, she didn't know how to do it, but she still wanted to, and that was the first step.

And she was surprised once again. After leaving all her heart exposed, Arizona took courage to ask for a chance, and she was even more surprised at herself, because even knowing all her struggles, Callie took courage and made a leap of faith.

She accept Arizona's request, had realized that it was time to move on; she owed it to herself to at least try.

. . .

Today, after that trip, with more time to think and meditate, Callie was sure that she hadn't been wrong.

The relationship with Arizona was going well, and despite the little time they had together due to the accumulated work, they managed to see each other, and even to go to dinner.

 _Their first dinner together was long awaited by Arizona. Since her return from the beach she had been looking, in the midst of the heavy workload, for a moment of tranquillity and time away from the hospital, but it had been almost impossible._

 _That was the reason she was waking up in the on-call room. She had come in search of Callie to invite her to dinner, but ended up lying in the arms of the woman who had been the cause behind her smile._

 _When she awoke she found herself alone in bed and was perplexed. Where was Callie? She sat down, and checked her cell phone._

 _* I'm sorry you had to wake up alone,_

 _But they paged me to the ER._

 _And I didn't want to interrupt your dreams._

 _By the way, you look beautiful sleeping._

 _Meet you at the entrance? ;)_

 _Arizona smiled, even blushed and left the room happily._

 _* I would've preferred to wake up with you by my side,_

 _But I'll forgive you this time. ;)_

 _Of course I'll meet you!_

 _I wouldn't miss it for anything. :)_

 _For Callie, dinner was cause for anxiety, a_ _lthough she had enjoyed holding Arizona in her arms, she felt nervous, as the time crept closer. It had been a long time since she'd dated someone like that._

 _She wanted to go to her apartment to change, and look better, but she couldn't. They went straight from work to the restaurant. That was something caught Callie's attention, her interest in wanting to look good. How long had it been since she wanted to dress up for someone else? She smiled to herself; it couldn't be a bad sign._

Callie smiled at the memory of that day, for her every day was a step forward, and every day she felt more at ease with Arizona. She was surprised at how well they got along, and not just as friends, but as…. whatever it was they were now.

They communicated only with their eyes, with a gesture, in silence. They always had that ability, but now it was on a completely different level. Perhaps the fact of not repressing their feelings, and or trying to keep them from the other, led them to that level of connection and fluidity.

Although there was no intimacy between them, it didn't mean that nothing happened with them when they were close, because it was difficult to control the desires and needs that were almost bursting at the seams. But neither of them gave in to the need to touch, because sharing and knowing about this new aspect of their relationship was more important.

. . .

Today was Friday and they were going out to again. Callie had left early and had gone to her apartment to change, because she was more worried about her appearance.

She was always presentable, a person of good taste, very concerned about making a good impression and above all, the neatness and cleanliness. But worrying about the details, to add something more from time to time, to put a special shine on her lips, and wanting to look good for someone else; it was something that she had stopped doing long ago…until Arizona.

. . .

The hours had passed too slowly for her liking, she wanted to spend time with Arizona outside of work, but time seemed to be teasing her. Callie had left earlier, but Arizona had been caught up in emergency surgery, and she was left waiting impatiently.

\- Hey! Sorry I'm late. - Callie was startled; she hadn't seen her coming. - I was trapped... - The blonde froze as Callie approached her, put her hand on her face and kissed her cheek, and slowly pulled away.

\- The point is, you're here now. - Callie smiled.

Arizona smiled; she loved it when Callie allowed herself to relax. It was just a small gesture and a few words, but it made her happy.

\- Yeah... I'm here now... - She took Callie's hand and smiled. - Let's go. - They walked towards Arizona car, and she was surprised that her hand wasn't released until they were in front of her car.

. . .

Once in the restaurant, the evening was very enjoyable. The conversation flowed as always, laughter abounded, and they enjoyed every moment.

\- It was an incredible night, Calliope. - The blonde looked at Callie for a moment. - Calliope really, I just can't get enough of you. - Arizona couldn't control her words, and thought how bad it must have sounded. Callie nodded and blushed, averting her gaze for a second. - I'm sorry; sometimes I'm not very good at watching my mouth. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.

\- Don't regret making me blush, it's just that I'm a little out of practice. - The brunette laughed and shook her head. - But it doesn't make me uncomfortable. It's more... I like... it makes me feel special. - Her eyes clouded a little. - And... The truth is...it's been a while since anyone's made me feel special in any way. - Arizona smiled at how vulnerable, yet adorable Callie was. She reached her hand across the table to take the brunette's.

\- All I want... is to show you how special you are to me. - Arizona tilted her head, face filled with adoration, as she watched Callie.

\- Thank you... you're really special to me as well... - Silence. - I know that maybe it's unfair of me to make you wait, but never doubt that this is what I want. You make me feel good, you make me want more for myself... and that's something I never imagined would happen.

Arizona just smiled; she was excited to know that she was important to the brunette as well. She knew the time would heal everything, and she would be by Callie's side every step of the way. – There's nowhere else I'd want to be right now. - Both they smiled in unison.

. . .

The rest of the evening was the same, between conversations, comfortable silences, and shared looks.

It was a really wonderful night for them, and they felt so comfortable they didn't want to say goodbye. But all good things had to come to an end, especially seeing as Callie had a surgery booked early the next day.

The journey home was the same as it was at dinner, filled with easy conversation and laughter, which made the trip to Callie's apartment feel too short.

Arizona stopped in the parking lot and turned off the engine. She suddenly felt at a loss for words.

\- So... - Silence. - Here we are. - Arizona looked at the building.

\- Yeah... home sweet home. - Callie smiled at her response; it was obvious that they had arrived. - Thanks for dinner... I had an amazing night... - The brunette was nervous.

\- It was really wonderful to be able to spend time outside of the hospital with you... - Arizona didn't want to say goodbye. - Well, it's getting late now... - Silence. - I guess you should probably head up - She smiled awkwardly.

\- Yeah... I guess... -

\- You should probably move now... if we continue like this, we won't be able to say goodbye... - they laughed.

\- Yeah... it's true... - silence. - Well... then... see you tomorrow?

\- Of course, you don't even have to ask. Good night, Calliope, I had an amazing night... Call me when you finish tomorrow, we'll see if you're up for anything.

\- I'll call you, don't worry... I also had a wonderful night... good night. -

Both women looked at each other for a moment, none of them wanted to say goodbye. Callie took a deep breath of courage, reaching out for the door handle, before she looked back at Arizona. She leaned forward and laid a kiss on her cheek, both looked at each other and smiled.

They kept their eyes locked.

Blue and brown mixed.

An agreement was made without words having been spoken.

Then, at the same time, they slowly began to lean towards each other.

Arizona was nervous. She didn't want to do anything to scare off Callie, but she felt it was reciprocal.

That was how, after what seemed an eternity, their lips joined in a soft kiss, filled with pent up feelings and emotions.

It was just that, a little farewell kiss in which they transmitted emotions and yearnings. Soon they separated and their eyes connected again. Arizona was the first to speak.

\- I could do this forever. - She smiled.

\- I don't see anything wrong with repeating it as many times as we want. - Arizona's face was of surprise. - Why are you surprised?

\- No... I'm not surprised... or if... - The blonde rambled nervously. Callie did always love a nervous Arizona. - Wow! I'm behaving like an idiot. Sorry... it's just that... well, I could kiss you forever, I mean; seriously, you'd never get a complaint from me... I just thought maybe you didn't want... - Callie interrupted.

\- Well, we're together now right? Dating? I know I said we should go slow, but... we've got to move forward someday... and honestly, I really wanted to kiss you, and not just today. - Arizona smiled widely, she couldn't believe what she heard; it was like a dream. Listening to Callie say that only made her want her even more.

\- Yes, we're together... - silence. - It's just that, I thought I'd have to wait longer to enjoy your lips again. - They both laughed. - And... If it is allowed... let me tell you that I will make the most of it... from this very moment. - Arizona leaned over and gently took Callie's face in her hands and with her thumbs she brushed Callie's lips. - I love your lips... - Arizona closed the distance.

It was a kiss with only her lips enjoying the contact. It was the beginning of experiencing the freedom to take without restrictions. They would no longer have to repress the need to feel the other's lips; that intimate contact which felt like so much more.

Callie put her hands on Arizona's arms. She wanted to lose herself in Arizona, because kissing her was now becoming her favourite thing.

The car wasn't the best place for their first kiss after that night on the beach. Even so, they clung to each other, much as they could, and the kiss began to deepen.

Their tongues made contact and a pleasant shock passed through both women. They weren't two strangers trying to get to know each other. Their touches were familiar, comforting, they already knew each other, and now was the time to perfect that dance.

\- Wow! - Arizona breathed out as she rested her forehead against Callie's.

\- Wow! - Callie replied, and they both smiled.

\- If I didn't want to let you go before, there's less of a chance of that happening now... - She pulled away from Callie, placed a small kiss on her lips and looked her again. - Why is it so difficult? - Arizona laughed.

\- I know what you mean... but we'll see each other tomorrow and it will be so much better. - Callie came and gave a soft kiss, smiling at how natural it felt. - Because I'll be waiting eagerly to kiss you again. - Callie smiled and Arizona was excited, I wasn't dreaming... it was real.

\- I adore you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You make everything so normal and amazing, and I just adore everything about you.

\- That's something I've been told a couple of times. - The brunette winked, and Arizona frowned.

\- Well, let me tell you that the only one who is allowed to tell you these things, is me... - I kiss her again. - And... I'm the only one who can kiss you. - Both women laughed.

\- Believe me, I don't want anyone else to kiss me. - Arizona thought she would fall irredeemably in love with this woman, if she hadn't already fallen. - But I think we can leave more for tomorrow... I have a really early day tomorrow.

\- Yes, I know ... I have gotten more than I'd expected from tonight... so I can leave a happy woman. - Silence. - The truth is I'd rather not let you go, but _you_ have responsibilities.-

\- Good night, Arizona. -

\- Good night. See you tomorrow... -

They leaned in for one final kiss, a kiss that was longer and more intense, and after a moment they separated.

Callie opened the door and left, but before closing the door, she looked at Arizona for the last time and smiled at her, then she made her way to the building. It had been a fabulous day for her, she felt... happy? The brunette smiled at her thoughts.

Meanwhile Arizona watched as the brunette entered the building. When she could no longer see the brunette, she settled into her seat, took the wheel with both hands and turned the keys. She felt happy, it had been a wonderful day, and with a huge smile, she took one last look before driving away.

. . .


	22. Chapter 22

_I've uploaded 3 chapters, so read the other 2 first._

Thanks to all who are still on board my story and those who have joined with the time too. I haven't given up on it, you just have to be patient.

Thank you for your reviews and pm, I really like to read to you.

* * *

\- (December 14, 2013) -

A soft light slides through the curtains and the delicate rays of the sun falls gently upon the floor. Dim lights illuminate the bedroom announcing the new day. A body moves; eyes still misty from sleep, reluctantly opening. The blonde curls, riotous and scattered, rest on the pillows. She stretches out her arms, sits up slowly, and rolls her neck to release sore and tired muscles.

Little by little the heaviness of sleep recedes, and blue eyes flutter, scanning the room, now more awake and conscious.

The memories awaken and filter into the blonde's head. A bright smile appears on her face and her fingers go to her lips, closing her eyes and gently running her fingertips along them.

Her lips had reunited with Calliope's last night, in an act so small and perhaps so trivial for some, but so intimate and meaningful to others.

She closed her eyes trying to remember all the sensations; she wanted to feel it again.

She remembered the softness, the sweetness, the humidity combined with the heat, and of course the unique taste of Callie.

She sighed deeply, it felt as though it had been too long since their last encounter, despite how recent and amazing it had been, she wanted more of Callie, it would never be enough for her. She smiled at the memories and the sensations that caused a flutter in the pit of her stomach. She felt awake, alive and happy.

. . .

This morning, the blonde woke up with a smile filling with happiness. As every morning, she turned on the coffee maker and while she waited, she thought of how wonderful her life was.

She'd never imagined that she could feel this way; it was something that couldn't be expressed with words. It was an extraordinary sensation, and she felt lighter and filled with joy just from thinking about the woman her life. She had never experienced anything compared to what she felt for Calliope.

Arizona wanted everything with her, a life together, a family and a future with each other. Even if it was too soon to want all those things, she couldn't help it.

"I'm falling hopelessly in love or... maybe I've already fallen?" She smiled shyly, as if someone had heard her thoughts.

Everything she felt was new, but she was no longer afraid to give herself to one person. She no longer wanted her life to be as it had been. The walls raised in her heart, which she had kept for so many years, had disappeared... and all because of Calliope.

"Calliope, Calliope, Calliope". There was nothing else in her mind and it was all she wanted to have around.

. . .

Last night, before they parted, they had agreed to spend the afternoon together once Callie was free. That was all Arizona wanted... to see her again... to be with her as much as possible.

She couldn't wait, she was anxious; she wanted to kiss her again... and again and again, forever... if that was allowed.

She'd said it was allowed.

She smiled.

The sound of the coffee maker roused her from her thoughts. She poured her coffee, leaned against the counter, and slowly wrapped her hands around the cup. Her gaze stayed on the whispers of steam that danced over the cup and got lost in her thoughts. She inhaled the scent, closed her eyes, and carefully, took a sip, relishing as the heat slipped down her throat. She savoured the tatse and her mind went to a brunette... This was how she liked her coffee.

An action, a smell, a sensation, a sound... the smallest details of everyday life always led to a thought related to Callie.

She smiled at her thoughts and sighed deeply.

As she finished her coffee, she looked around and thought it would be a good idea to invite Callie to lunch and cook for her, so they could spend some time together in the tranquillity of her apartment. Without thinking much, she set her cup on the counter, and sent a text.

* Do you wanna have lunch with me? I'm cooking ;)

She finished her coffee and headed into the shower as she waited for Callie's response.

. . .

Callie had started early in the morning, and she had just finished with another procedure.

After a busy week she had looked forward to her day off, but the sudden and complicated surgery had interrupted her plans, and she was completely exhausted.

She left the operating room and walked down the hall, took off her cap and checked her phone. It was about 11 in the morning and, as expected, she had an awaiting message from Arizona; she smiled. The message had arrived a few hours ago and she immediately went to respond.

* Sounds good! But I still have some things to do. - The answer was instant.

* When do you think you'll be free?

* About 12.30?

* That's fine, but come as soon as you can.

* Of course!

* I miss you ;)

* Me too, I'll see you soon! :)

Callie smiled and went on her way, she had to finish the paperwork and wait for her patient to be transferred to the recovery room.

She took a deep breath. She was exhausted and wanted to leave as soon as possible. She needed to see Arizona, wanted to be with her away from the hustle and bustle of the hospital. They had managed to find some time last night, but it wasn't enough.

. . .

As soon as Arizona had heard from Callie, the blond began to work. When she had everything ready, a big smile appeared on her face... the room smelt delicious.

She set the table, took a quick glance over her work, and sighed... the only thing missing was Calliope.

As she waited, she sat down on the couch, and crossed her legs while she drank some wine. She was anxious and the time seemed to go by too slowly, and she her leg wouldn't stop bouncing she was constantly looking at the clock on the wall, and she could swear it looked as though it wasn't moving anymore.

. . .

A quick glance at the clock told her it was now 13:10.

"She must be coming soon". She thought to herself and took another sip of wine. She was startled by the sound of the doorbell. She smiled, put her cup on the coffee table, and slowly walked to the door.

She took a deep breath, smoothed down her hair, straightened out her clothes, and then opened it. There stood Calliope with her wonderful smile that weakened her knees and accelerated her heart.

\- Hey! - The blonde greeted her with a beaming smile.

\- Hey! - Callie replied and they fell into silence, their eyes met steadily. They stood staring at each other until the blonde finally reacted.

\- I'm sorry, come in. - The blonde moved to the side and gestured for the woman to enter. The brunette laughed and nodded, walked a few steps and stopped. She inhaled as the blonde closed the door.

\- Something smells good. - She turned toward the door, where Arizona still stood.

The blonde stood in the door watching the brunette and smiled at the compliment. They were lost in each other's eyes, watching each other nervously... as if it were their first encounter.

\- I think we can do better. - Callie laughed at their awkwardness. - What are we? Fifteen? - They both smiled.

\- Yeah. - Arizona paused – I mean, no. No, we're not fifteen. - She smiled. - I definitely think we can do better. - The blonde approached the brunette slowly, timidly, with shy steps and placed a soft, light kiss on her lips.

\- No... - Callie pulled away a little and looked into the blue eyes. Arizona was paralyzed, thinking that she had done something wrong. - I think we should, and can do better than _that_. - Callie said in a low voice as she moved closer and brought her hand to Arizona's neck. She closed the distance between them and kissed her softly, but not shyly.

Her lips tingled as they explored further, wiping away any of the lingering awkwardness and shyness. After a moment, they separated, completely relaxed, with the nerves and tension driven away.

"Hi." Arizona whispered breathlessly. Her eyes glittered.

"Hi". - Callie chuckled as she tucked a strand of blond hair behind her ear, they looked at each other and Arizona pecked her lips a few more times.

Knowing that they had all afternoon, and there was no hurry, the blonde took her hand. - Come on, I have everything ready. - A few more kisses, a few more smiles later, she gave her a complete tour of the apartment.

. . .

Both women sat down and shared a delicious meal while alternating the comfortable silences with conversation. The glances, the laughter, and the flirtation flashed constantly. They felt comfortable with each other; it felt natural... as if they had shared many years in the same way.

As soon as they finished, they relocated to the couch. The atmosphere was quiet, Arizona had put soft music in the background, and the rays of sun came through the windows of the apartment. Everything was relaxing and cosy, and they were able to just enjoy each other's company in complete tranquillity.

\- The food was delicious, thank you very much. - Callie leaned on her side, one arm stretched across the back of the sofa, her head resting on her hand, and her cup in the other hand. Her eyes couldn't look away from the deep blue, but in spite of that, she felt completely exhausted and her eyes struggled to stay open. She didn't want to ruin the moment.

\- It was my pleasure. - The blonde saw Callie's face in silence for a moment - Are you tired? - The brunette smiled, fatigue seeping into every pore.

\- That obvious, huh? - Arizona nodded; she took the cups and set them down on the coffee table. She leaned back onto the couch, but this time further away.

\- Come here. - Callie nodded in understanding and stretched across the couch, resting her head on Arizona's lap.

Arizona began to massage the brunette's temples, as she closed her eyes, enjoying the sensation. Arizona put her hand on the brunette's shoulder, leaned over and kissed her forehead softly. Callie opened her eyes at the contact and turned to look up at the blonde.

The blonde stared at her, shifting between her eyes and lips. She stroked her hair and ran her fingers down her face. She looked at her, not letting her dreamy smile go, and slowly closed the distance between them.

Their lips connected softly, laying little feather-like kisses, one after another, a meeting of lips that soon became a dance of tongues... gentle and soft, yet deep and filled with passion.

The blonde leaned back slightly, lips brushing against the brunette's as she spoke.

\- I love kissing you. - A whisper, a thought aloud.

Callie said nothing, choosing to take the blonde's lips again instead. They didn't need words between them. They just relished in the moments spent together, the feeling of the other against them, the small little gestures and their adjustment as a couple.

They followed in a small session of subtle kisses and caresses, just savouring and feeling, until the blonde stopped. She parted and stroked Callie's face with her fingertips while still looking at her, she couldn't help but smile at her.

She breathed deeply, her life filled with fresh air, with Callie. - Close your eyes and rest a little. - The blonde leaned in for one last kiss, and Callie closed her eyes lost in the sensations and peacefulness that gave Arizona to her.

There was nothing better than being like this.

Everything was moving forward.

And it all felt incredible.

. . .

\- (18 December 2013) -

Time passes quickly and so often we don't realize how or when we've moved through it. Sometimes we are not aware of things happening, and when we stop, it is suddenly there in front of us... then we attempt to retrace our steps to figure out the puzzle.

The year is almost over and the world is constantly changing, but only when we stop, are we able to clearly see how far we have traveled and its implications.

. . .

Christmas and New Year, is different for everyone. For some, it doesn't have importance or relevance. For others, it is one more celebration. Some find the time and the perfect excuse for consumerism, without much sense behind.

But there are those, perhaps the least, for whom the Christmas holidays and the end of the year become a time of reflection, of introspection and, above all, becomes a time of hope. They give it a different and special meaning.

It is not about gifts and surprises. It's about love, friends, family, and hopes. It's about seeing the simplicity of life, about valuing what you have even when you have lost. It's of smiling through the sadness; of being grateful for life, even in the midst of difficulty. It's of having hope and, above all, of continuing to believe and dream.

. . .

Arizona always loved Christmas. She loved the tree, the lights, the decoration, the hot chocolate, and most importantly, her family. She had beautiful memories of Christmas as a child.

As an adult, she still liked it, but the absence of her brother and not being able to visit her parents always made her avoid the festivities, it just wasn't the same anymore. But it was something she really missed. It had been so long since she'd spent a Christmas with her family, and so she avoided paying much attention to these dates because she was reminded her of her childhood, her brother, her parents and melancholy always enveloped her.

But this year was different; there was someone special in her life that she wanted to share this with this time. It was as if her heart had been opened to everything again and she allowed herself to feel, to yearn and to want.

She didn't know if Callie celebrated Christmas or if she cared about these dates, and despite the fact that she couldn't visit her parents and Tim was no longer alive, she wanted feel like before.

So she was encouraged to put together a beautiful tree as in the past and find the spirit that she had lost with the secret hope that Callie would want to share this with her.

. . .

Arizona was happy and sometimes she hardly believed how her life had changed. She had always avoided feelings and commitments, but now she was wrapped up to the fullest in them. She wanted more. She wanted everything.

After they had reconnected in the intimate act of kissing Calliope, everything seemed to change. In a few days their relationship gained confidence, their gestures were becoming bolder and more expressive.

At work, many had already noticed the change in their relationship, how they interacted day to day, it was no longer unfamiliar to anyone.

Almost everyone who knew Callie noticed the changes in her. Not only had the great surgeon returned, but there were also flashes of the person that existed before the loss of her wife and daughter. The gleam in her eyes was steadily more constant and her smile appeared more frequently. She looked calmer and at peace with herself. Everyone was happy to see the changes in Callie, and, despite already knowing the reason for it; no one said a thing about it.

Sometimes Callie and Arizona forgot they were in the hospital. Their affectionate gestures inadvertently became more evident. A touch of hands, longing glances, and the amount of time spent together. Everything was different and her colleagues began to notice.

Since their lunch at Arizona's apartment, they were confidence in where they stood, and there was no more fear, no more shame and no more shyness.

 _\- You look happy. - Mark told Arizona as they had lunch in the cafeteria._

 _\- Mmmm... - Arizona swallowed what she had in her mouth before speaking. - I feel happy. - She gave him a smile._

 _\- And I can know why? - Mark laughed knowingly. He and Callie had recovered their close friendship, gradually regaining what they had lost. Mark was happy for Callie._

 _\- I'm dating a wonderful woman and... - The blonde stopped when the woman in question entered the cafeteria and was approaching their table with their other colleagues. Arizona smiled brightly, and greeted everyone, but her smile was aimed at only one person._

 _\- Hi guys! - Arizona greeted Grey, Yang and Owen, but her gaze focused on the brunette. Callie approached, kissed her cheek and sat down beside her. The two women were oblivious to the others who smiled knowingly. It was obvious to everyone that they were together, but they would not say a thing._

 _Less than ten minutes had passed when a pager rang. - It's mine. I didn't even finish my lunch. - Arizona whined, looking at Callie with a pout. – I need to go, enjoy your lunch guys. - She then looked at Callie. - I'll see you later._

 _The brunette nodded as Arizona left a small kiss on her lips, just a soft touch, something that was already quite natural to them in their private moments. But soon Arizona realized what she had done and looked around nervously. - Ummm, I have to go. - She paused. - Calliope, shall we talk later? – She asked nervously. Callie nodded, and the blonde left quickly._

 _Once Arizona left, the remaining members looked at each other and smiled, then looked at the brunette. Callie, a little oblivious to what was happening, raised her eyebrow. - What? – They all shook their heads and shrugged, still with smiles on their faces. Callie was instantly aware of what was happening, she smiled at them with redden cheeks, and Mark put his hand over hers._

 _\- I think there are things that can't be avoided anymore and much less hidden. - The brunette gave them a smile._

 _\- Apparently not. - Callie looked at her friends. - I didn't realize we were so open._

 _\- We already knew, Torres. - Cristina laughed – You tried valiantly, but nothing escapes me! - Everyone laughed._

 _\- We're happy for you. - Meredith said._

 _. . ._

 _\- Hey! Are you busy? Can I come in?- Callie looked up and smiled at the blonde who was standing at the door._

 _\- Yeah, a little, but come in. - Arizona walked nervously and sat down across in front of Callie. The brunette smiled and returned to her papers, waiting for her to speak. Callie noticed the blonde's nervousness, and looked up again. - What's that matter? Are you okay? - She pulled Arizona out of her thoughts._

 _\- What? Yeah, no, of course... everything is fine, super! - The brunette raised her eyebrow in question, and Arizona caved. - Okay, I'm sorry._

 _\- What? Why? What did you do? – They had not seen each other since lunch, and this made Callie even more curious about Arizona's awkwardness._

 _\- I... today... at lunch? I think I went too far... and I'm sorry... I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable in front of our friends. - Callie pushed herself away from her desk and leaned back in her chair as she watched the blonde ramble on, she didn't seem to notice smile. - I know we haven't talked about it... and maybe you don't want people to know about us... So I'm sorry. I didn't realize until after I'd kissed you... but it's just that everything feels so natural now, I forget that there are people around and..._

 _\- Arizona..._

 _\- I know it was wrong, and I'm sorry..._

 _\- Arizona! - The brunette tried again._

 _\- Yes, Calliope, I know... I'm sorry... I promise it won't happen again... I just hope you're not mad at me. - Callie couldn't help but smile at how adorable and nervous the blonde was._

 _\- Hey! There's nothing wrong... I'm not mad._

 _\- I knew it! You're upset with me._

 _\- Arizona, are you listening to me? - Callie leaned forward and extended her hand across the desk to take the blonde's hand to her attention. - Honey. - She said softly. - I think you haven't heard what I said. Breathe for a moment and look at me._

 _\- No? - The brunette laughed at the incredulity of the blonde._

 _\- No, I'm not upset, there's nothing wrong. You're my girlfriend, and I don't have a problem with our friends finding out. The truth is, I don't care if the whole hospital knows. - The brunette looked at her tenderly. - So, please breathe and stop worrying if I'm upset or that you did something wrong._

 _There was a long silence. Arizona's mind had stalled and she scrunched up her face and then frowned, looking at Callie._

 _\- I'm your girlfriend? -_

 _\- What?_

 _\- You ... - Silence. - You said... I'm your girlfriend? - The brunette smiled._

 _\- Mmmm, yes? I know we haven't talked about it, but I don't know... we're together, right? So we're girlfriends. At least I don't want to be with anyone else... How about you?_

 _\- What? No! No, no... I just want to be with you and I don't want you to be with anyone but me... So yes, we're girlfriends. - Callie couldn't help laughing out loudly._

 _The blonde got up from her seat and walked around the desk. She stood in front of the brunette, and bent down to kiss her, ignoring Callie's surprised face._

 _Callie tried to respond to the intensity and the urgency of the blonde, she sat more right in her seat and grabbed her hips, pulling the blonde in to straddle her in the chair. It wasn't a shy kiss, the brunette smiled as they kissed._

 _When the air became necessary, they slowly separated, looked into each other's eyes and smiled as they panted breathlessly. - I love kissing my girlfriend. - Arizona said with a smile that lit the entire office and kissed her again._

. . .

Things started to progress more without either woman noticing, without the need to express too much with words, and everything was settling naturally. They both felt safer and more comfortable with each passing day.

Arizona was happy, and her life felt incredible. But there was something missing, something she wanted. Callie. She wanted all of her. She wanted to re-familiarise herself with every single part of Callie.

She was finding it more and more difficult, with each passing moment, to control her urges and the feelings evoked whenever she remembers that night. But she didn't want sex just as a physical act to satisfy a need; she didn't want that anymore, not with Callie. She wanted to feel the connection in which their bodies would become one, she wanted that feeling of belonging.

She had never felt this way before with anyone, that deep need to want to open up and give herself so completely to someone.

Arizona wanted that connection with Callie, and she knew it would be unique, that there would be nothing like that. Even though it wouldn't be their first time, she knew it would be different, because that night was unexpected and ended in a tumultuous manner. Although it was what led them to talk about their feelings and to face them, something had been missing that night. That's why she knew that she had to wait for Callie to feel ready, and not to push, despite how difficult it was for herself, because she knew it would be worth the wait.

Arizona's year ended better than ever. Not in her best dreams had she imagined all this. She was grateful for life, for what she had, for what she was bestowed with.


	23. Chapter 23

.

\- (December 20, 2013) –

 _I see you between dreams and realities. Your words still resonate in my universe,_ _  
 _but the heat of your presence is absent and suddenly reality torments me.__

 _. . ._

 _Between shadows and constant echoes I moved,_ _  
 _numb and lost in induced fogs trying to forget what I felt.__

 _Following distant voices, I walked blindly at the edge of a precipice._ _  
 _Between diffuse images, thick sounds, and scrambled senses, I wanted to jump and fall to the darkest of the abysses.__

 _An hour, a day or more, who knew what had been lost?_

 _Illusory realities would show up before me and I was hiding in the vehemence of oblivion._ _  
 _But as soon as the nebula disappeared, reality would come like a freight train.__

 _In the end, silence and darkness were all I had, because everything else disappeared._

 _. . ._

 _What remains before the night falls irremediably, the one where the darkness catch us and silence stifle our soul forever?_

. . .

Callie had been called to the emergency room. A man involved in a traffic accident was in critical condition. In the operating room, with Cristina and Owen, they were working hard, but the situation was totally hopeless.

Alerts jumped.

Sounds and voices.

The patient in shock.

Owen and Cristina were still fighting for him.

Absence of pulse.

RCP.

Defibrillator and crash cart.

No time for more, Callie was ready with the defibrillator.

Preparation.

Paddles.

Charge.

\- Clear! - Distance, and discharge.

They looked at the monitors, nothing.

Another attempt.

\- Clear! - Discharge, monitors, nothing.

Several attempts, nothing.

Silence.

Callie glanced at the wall clock. - Time of death, 21.23. -

Her hands went to her hips, jaw tight, eyes closed and head tilted. He was the first patient she'd lost since her return. They had done everything they could do, but they still couldn't avoid death. Callie took a deep breath as she thought about what had happened. Then time stopped, the sounds were lost and the air became thick.

She was no longer there.

\- Torres... - She heard a distant voice, but she couldn't react.

A hand on her shoulder and the presence of a person at her side bought her back. - Callie? - Silence - You okay? - Cristina spoke with concern.

She lifted her head slowly, looked straight ahead, straightened her back and breathed. - We need to inform the family.

The three surgeons made their way to the waiting room. Callie stopped and looked from a distance at the patient's wife. She saw the uncertainty in the woman's face and the certainty that she already knew what they would say. Owen and Cristina stopped and turned, looked at each other and looked at her.

Callie was having a hard time. Her mind was taking her to places she hadn't been for a long time. She felt unstable and vulnerable.

\- We'll handle this, Torres. Go get some rest. - Owen saw the conflict in the brunette and understood.

Callie simply nodded and slowly began to walk in the opposite direction, but soon a scream stopped her.

Despair.

Uneasiness.

Pain.

\- No! - Callie turned and saw her. The man's wife was devastated.

Anguish.

Impotence.

She knew those feelings, her own reflected image.

She began to feel cold, her hands were wet and a tingling sensation ran down her legs. She wanted to run or scream, but she couldn't, her professionalism couldn't fail. Slowly she turned and accelerated her pace, but always trying to keep her composure.

She walked.

She felt lost.

She didn't know where to go, she didn't know what to do.

Her mind was clouded.

She needed something to alleviate the sense of chaos that threatened to engulf her.

Vulnerability.

Everything cornered her and pushed her hard in the past.

. . .

She closed the door shut and leaned back. Sliding slowly down the door, she sat on the floor, hugging her knees.

She didn't know where she was.

Everything was dark and silent.

Her mind was driving a thousand miles an hour.

. . .

Callie didn't know how long she'd been there, but her mind kept spinning, and was leading her to dangerous places.

She knew she shouldn't think about it. She had walked numb for a long time, but she had learned to confront her demons differently. Her old behaviours couldn't be a solution, she just needed to breathe and calm down, but it was difficult.

Callie needed to clear her mind; she had to get out of there.

Then she remembered that she had plans with Arizona, but she didn't feel well and didn't want Arizona to see her like this. So she sent her a message to cancel their evening, explaining that she had had a difficult day and needed to rest. But really the brunette just wanted to be alone and try to sort her mind.

Today, with the loss of that patient, something had been touched and moved within her. Callie needed to know why, after so much peace, progress and joy, her mind wanted to play with her as in the past.

She took a deep breath to calm down. Callie had learned in therapy, and with the passage of time, that she shouldn't be led by disordered emotions.

For the same reason, she shouldn't think about how she faced her problems in the past. It was just a bad day, she couldn't let this cause her to regress. She couldn't give up everything she had worked so hard to achieved, not because of one bad day.

But it was difficult for her to do it, because the loss of that patient reminded her of her own losses, something that hadn't been present in recent times.

Silence.

Pause.

How could she forget about them?

. . .

When Callie walked into her apartment, she didn't know how, or when, she had left the hospital. She took a long shower thinking it would help her relax, but she went to bed with her mind was still in the same state.

Callie lay on her back, staring at the ceiling, and her eyes empty.

Why did she felt so restless?

Why did the guilt come back after all this time?

She sighed with resignation.

The year was already ending and she had been doing very well. Soon it would be Christmas and one more year would have ended. Why had everything suddenly come back?

Then her mind stopped.

Callie hadn't been aware of times and dates, and only today, with all that happened, she realized that Christmas was approaching and she couldn't have Laura and Emily with her.

Sadness seized her. But something bigger struck like lightning, and guilt came.

She realized that Laura had been less and less present in her life at the last time. She had been living her renewed happiness and she had put her aside.

Memories.

This year she was lucid and aware of what her life was like, unlike last year she didn't even realize how a new year began.

Since returning to work in March, things had improved. In June, it had been a year had been since the death of her wife and daughter, and that day was better than she had expected.

The end of this year was different; she was in a good place. She felt happier and her demons were farther away.

Since she began her therapy sessions, she knew that she could only take it one day at a time, to face each struggle and victory day by day.

When she saw that woman. The sadness, the despair and the anguish, she was dragged back into her own situation more than a year ago.

She was suspended in time, and suddenly she felt that something was missing.

Confusion.

Christmas was always special for her, but she didn't know how to feel today. There was something that told her not to feel calm.

Her mind and heart were struggling, between the sadness of what she lost, and the joy of what had come so unexpectedly into her life again; between what she had to let go and what she had.

Her mind was left teetering on a thin boundary between the past and the present. Inside she knew she should live in the present, but how did she do that?

Would her life would always be filled with such conflict and distress?

Could she ever get over it?

Would she always be stuck in the limbo between reality and her memories?

She wanted to return to the passed few days, when she felt calm.

She knew she shouldn't allow herself to dwell in all those disturbing thoughts, her mind was just playing because she was tired and needed to sleep.

She had to go back to where she was.

But how did she do that?

She never thought it would be easy, not every day was easy, but she had been doing so well.

Why couldn't she focus on that today and leave all those damned feelings behind?

She grabbed the pillow and covered her face, stifling a cry of despair.

\- God! - Tears sprang, she wanted so much for someone to be able to hear her cries, for someone to just take the burdens from her for just one moment.

Callie wanted to feel good, she wanted to let go of the pain. She needed answers; she couldn't live her life like this, struggling in between the past and the present.

She felt overwhelmed, and allowed herself to cry and release the tightness that was ever present in her chest, but had been ignored until recently.

She couldn't stop her sobs, the wailing echoed in the room.

She tried to catch her breath, but it was difficult.

She tried again and again.

Her breathing was difficult, but she tried to calm herself.

Thus the night passed, and she wasn't aware of the hours.

When she finally calmed down a little, she was immersed in some space away from her present life and with all her thoughts fluttering still.

She wanted to resolve her deepest feelings, the ones she still kept and had her tied to the past.

But right now, she just wanted to close her eyes and she could stop thinking for a moment. She wanted her head to stop thinking and just stop for a moment.

. . .

Arizona had a bad feeling tonight.

She'd had plans with Callie, but the brunette had sent an apologetic message to cancel. The blonde had no choice but to accept without questions. She knew of the loss of the patient and could only assume that it had triggered something in Callie, so she would give her space.

She sighed deeply and settled into her bed. She wanted to be with Callie, to see and feel her. She wanted to run to her apartment, but she knew she shouldn't, because Callie wanted to be alone and she should accept it.

. . .

\- (21 December 2013) -

Arizona came earlier to the hospital with the intention of finding Callie and maybe grabbing a cup of coffee together, they could share a moment before starting their work, and also to know how she was. But she didn't find her and when she tried her cell phone, it went straight to voicemail.

The morning went by and the restlessness flew toward her, Arizona was worried about the brunette. But it wasn't until after noon that she heard from Callie.

\- Hey! - The blonde answered with enthusiasm to the call, trying to put aside the anxiety.

\- Hi. - The brunette sounded tired.

\- I haven't seen you all day, I called you, but your phone was off. Were you in surgery? - She asked tentatively, not wanting to bombard her with all the questions that were buzzing around in her head.

\- Mmmm no. - Silence. - I didn't realize my phone was dead and I just saw the missed calls, so I called. - Pause - I'm not going to work today, I didn't feel very well. I think I'm a little exhausted and I'm just going to get some rest. There was nothing very urgent scheduled so I talked to the Chief.

\- Are you okay? Do you want me to come around? Do you need anything? –

Callie smiled at the blonde's words. She could sense the worry, but she needed to sort out her own thoughts first. - I'm fine, don't worry. I just need to sort a few things out. - Silence – I'll see you tomorrow... - Callie wanted to reassure her, but it was difficult to speak. After a moment of silence, Arizona spoke.

\- Yes, of course. - Arizona felt discouraged.

\- Message me when you get home tonight? I want to know how your day went and to make sure you got home safe. - Callie was trying not to be so distant, despite how difficult it was.

\- It's okay. - The blonde felt sad. - Rest and enjoy the rest of your day. - The blonde was silent.

\- See you. - None of them disconnected the call. - Arizona... - Callie said slowly after a while.

\- What?

\- No, nothing. - Silence - it's just... nothing, we'll talk tomorrow.

\- Alright, see you later.

Arizona didn't expect her day to be like this, so she set out to continue her work. Tomorrow was another day and she needed to believe things were going well, even though she felt the opposite.

. . .

Callie woke up late today. She didn't have to be in the hospital early, so she didn't worry when she realized the time. She had managed to fall asleep intermittently, and only in the morning did she fall into deep sleep.

Without much thought, she had decided to call Owen. She didn't feel like she was able to go to work and, as she had nothing urgent, it wouldn't be a problem. When she went to do it, she realized that her phone had no battery left and put it to charge. When it was turned back on, she noticed Arizona's calls and messages, so immediately, after talking to Owen, she called the blonde.

. . .

Callie felt better than yesterday, yet she was exhausted. Since she woke up her head was buzzing with thoughts and memories. She knew she should talk to Arizona, but first she needed to rest. She would take a break, calm down and get some order in her head. She had much to assimilate.

Many things happened last night.

In principle she didn't understand, it was as if she had traveled to another time. She didn't know how to explain what had happened, but she couldn't stop thinking about it.

# (The previous night) -

Her sleep was restless, conflicted with dreams, or perhaps they were nightmares? She couldn't keep her eyes closed for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time, before she was startled awake. It was a sick and desperate feeling, but it wasn't something she could control.

She sailed through many dark memories, and remembered how she faced things in the past to try to deal with what she felt. But all she wanted was to be able to sleep for a moment, to remove those painful images from her mind, and forget all those moments to which she was exposed for her inability to face her life.

Her mind was racing a thousand miles an hour. Why had everything come back so suddenly and why was it so hard?

She wanted to leave all that behind, but she was always trapped between her past and her present. She was tired of that, and she wanted to move forward. She had proposed it to herself, wanted it and needed it.

Deep breath.

She just wished she could close her eyes for a moment longer and stop thinking for a moment.

 _The sea roars and the wind strikes strongly. The horizon, the rays of the sun, the humidity, and the sounds... everything is awe-inspiring._

 _Callie looked the wonderful view before her; whenever she wanted answers, this was where she could always find it._

 _Her thoughts were tangled, and she was trying to deal with her inner struggles while her gaze was lost on the horizon. As she stood there, she saw a movement out of the corner of her eye, and her gaze drifted to the shore. In the distance a silhouette walked slowly toward her._

 _The sound of the waves echoed in the background as she tried to focus her eyes and see who it was. A few minutes passed when her eyes widened in astonishment, she couldn't believe what she saw._

 _She smiled, "how is this possible?" She looked around, not believing where she was, and not believing what her eyes saw._

 _Her heart seemed to stop when a beautiful woman stopped in front of her. She wore a light dress, feet bare, and her eyes sparkled with the reflection of the weak sun as the wind played with her hair._

 _They looked at each other for a moment, and soon everything around the brunette stopped. There were no more thoughts; there was nothing else; only her and the woman before her._

 _She felt as if she had suddenly found something she had lost, and her heart almost escaped her chest._

 _Callie approached cautiously, wanted to move forward to be closer to the woman, but something stopped her._

 _An unknown force made her stay in her place, and no matter how much she wanted to move forward, she couldn't. She tried to bring her hand to touch the woman's arm, but couldn't._

 _What was this? What was wrong with her?_

 _Half confused by not being able to touch her, or get closer, she spoke. - Laura?_

 _\- Callie._

 _\- It's really you? - Callie's face showed disbelief._

 _\- Yes, it's me. - The redhead gave her a tender smile._

 _\- Wh... Why can't I get closer? Why can't I touch you?_

 _\- Because I'm not here anymore, sweetheart._

 _\- What? But... you're real... you're here! I'm watching you... God! I've missed you so much... - a new attempt, now wanting to reach the other woman's hands, but nothing..._

 _Little by little, Callie's desperation became evident. She wanted to be able to hold her, to touch and feel her, to know that everything was real and not her head playing with her; but she couldn't and it frustrated her._

 _Laura spoke again. - Remember our promise? - Callie looked confused, but then blinked, thinking she understood something, and her face filled with guilt._

 _Oh! - She brought her hand to cover her mouth and sobbed. - God! I'm sorry... I didn't want to break it... - Callie felt sad, Laura was here because she had failed her, had broken her promise and betrayed her._

 _\- That's why I'm here. - Silence. - You need let me go. - Callie looked confused, couldn't bear the fact that Laura would leave and not forgive her._

 _\- What? Why? No... I don't want you to leave... please... forgive me... we can work on it, you just have to forgive me. - Laura gave her a tender smile and after a moment's silence she spoke again._

 _\- There's nothing to forgive you... you haven't broken anything, you need to stop feeling guilty and continue with your life. - Silence. - That's why I'm here, Cal... - Silence. - I don't belong to this place, but you do. You have let me go, because if you don't... you won't be able to embrace what life has prepared for you... I was only one part in this long, colourful life you're going to have... –_

 _Callie was confused. Her heart was struggling, she didn't know if this was a strange dream, an illusion, a spiritual visit; she didn't understand anything, but Laura's words brought her back to her reality._

 _Laura had died, and for a moment, seeing her made her forget it, but reality hit her and everything came back. - I... I can't... I've tried, but I can't go any further... and I want to... I really want to... but I don't know how._

 _\- You can, Cal, you're just scared. We promised to love, Callie. We promised to be happy and we were. But my time came and life continued for you. I want you to be happy, I want you to love again, to smile again. I'm not here anymore, but you are... it's time to let me go._

 _\- I know you're not here, believe me, I know. - She smiled reluctantly. - I also know that life goes on... but it has been so difficult. - Callie's tears filled her eyes._

 _\- I know, I know it's been difficult... but it's up to you to make things better. - The redhead saw the fight in Callie's eyes._

 _Laura knew her like the palm of her hand; she could read the brunette's every gesture. She was there for something important, she needed her words to wake Callie._

 _\- I will always have a special place in your life, and I will always be here. What we lived was wonderful and I know that you will always take it with you. - Silence. - But your heart no longer belongs to me and you know it, it's time you listen to what it's saying to you without fears, or guilt. - Laura smiled tenderly. - You are allowed to feel again, you are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to love again. Life passes in the blink of an eye, you know it... so you have to grab onto each opportunity you have to love again with everything you have. Your time hasn't yet come to an end, mine is over and it was really wonderful with you... and you must know that I thank you infinitely for loving me the way you did... but you can't live in the past, because there is a future for you. –_

 _Callie's head was suddenly filled with thoughts of Arizona._

 _The woman that had brought her smile back to her, the woman that had embraced her without questions or hesitations. The woman who had patiently waited for her. The woman who was just asking for a chance. The woman who was still waiting for her. The person she was creating a future with, that was whom she wanted to create a future with, but had forgotten for a moment, since Laura stopped in front of her._

 _How should you feel, what should you say, what is right and what is wrong?_

 _Silence caught her, while her thoughts rolled. Everything Laura was saying had touched her._

 _\- I... I didn't want to forget you... I just... I'm sorry... I know I promised to love you forever... but I didn't look for this... I... - Callie swallowed the lump forming in her throat. It was too much for her, to face what she felt for Arizona, in front of the woman she had promised forever with._

 _\- I know and there is nothing wrong with it, you're alive... it's part of life to feel... don't let her go. - Callie smiled with tears in her eyes, there was something in Laura's words._

 _Callie knew that what Laura said was the right thing to do. She wasn't doing anything wrong, it was just that she clung to Laura's memory for fear of moving on. She was protecting herself, protecting her heart from a new pain, from a new loss, because what she felt for Arizona wasn't a mere attraction... she realized that it was something deeper and more complex._

 _\- Why are you telling me all this? Why now? - Callie wanted to understand more._

 _\- Because it was necessary today, because we so often let opportunities pass by because we don't know how to grasp on to them, because sometimes we're scared to take that risk. It's time to make a decision, you must let go of the sadness, the guilt, and fears. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to love and be loved. Pain and fear can't continue to eclipse your life. - Silence. - I don't want you to realize that too late, that's why I'm here. You can't go on like this or you're going to lose her._

 _That hit Callie hard, she didn't want to lose Arizona. She couldn't lose her, she wanted that opportunity with her, and she wanted more... she realized that she wanted her in her life._

 _\- You know about her?_

 _\- Yes._

 _\- She... - Callie paused, she wanted to talk to her about Arizona, but didn't know if it was the right thing. - She's good to me... she... I... - Callie felt some guilt about talking to her wife about another woman. Laura saw the confusion in her eyes._

 _\- It's okay to talk about her and what you feel... she makes you happy, she makes you smile... - Callie nodded a little embarrassed._

 _\- I was happy with you, and it's not that I can't be with Arizona now, but it has cost me... I'm still fighting against what I feel... I feel good with her... I want this... - silence - but I don't know... –_

 _A long silence caught them and they looked at each other, Callie looked at Laura's face, she was always beautiful. - I want to understand... I don't understand why you were taken away from me... sometimes I feel angry... - Laura smiled at her question._

 _\- Our time was to learn about love, to understand what it was, to know that love was possible... to learn to give and receive. Our life had been hard before that and we had to come to each other to learn our way and heal. Sometimes you have to lose, to know what you can have, to fully appreciate life. - Silence. - Life is difficult and complex in all its edges, we can't know everything. We just have to be open to what she has. Sometimes it is difficult and painful, but what comes after is even bigger... besides we've had our time... - silence, Callie just listened._

 _\- I... - Callie shook her head, she wanted to say so much... but nothing came out._

 _\- It's time to leave... - silence. - I'm fine, I'm at peace, and it makes me happy that you're happy again... never forget that... - The woman was about to turn around, but she stopped when Callie said her name._

 _\- Laura... - silence. - Thank you... thank you for the life you gave me, for the daughter we had, for the smiles we shared, for the problems that taught us and made us grow. - Callie gives a deep sigh. - Thanks for being part of my life, you will always be in my heart. - Silence. - Thanks for coming to me... you always knew when the time was right. - The brunette smiled and Laura reflected the smile._

 _\- Listen to your heart. - Callie nodded silently. - Don't lose her. - The brunette nodded, but soon her face was sad._

 _\- One more thing... -_

 _\- Tell me, what it is... - Callie looked at her and tears flooded her eyes again._

 _\- Emily... is she with you? Where is she? Can I see her? - Silence. - I... I miss her so much... - The woman came up to her and put her hands on her shoulders._

 _Callie was surprised, why could they touch now?_

 _Tears rolled down her cheeks._

 _\- Everything will come in time... but you must be patient, she's fine. - The woman placed her hands on Callie's face and bent down to kiss her forehead, then looked into her eyes and Callie put her hands on hers. - I have to go._

 _\- Why can I touch you now? - She took a deep breath and closed her eyes._

 _\- Because you let me go. I will always be in your heart, but you're free, Cal. It has taken time, but you have understood... - Silence - It is time to leave... - Callie nodded without opening her eyes. Little by little she felt the contact diminish and the voice faded away._

 _When the contact was completely lost, she opened her eyes slowly. She took a deep breath and she saw Laura slowly walking further and further away from her. Callie grabbed her necklace and clung to it tightly._

. . .

The brunette opened her eyes, a little disoriented, when she realized where she was.

Her room, her bed.

She was lying on her back and her hand tightly clutching her necklace.

She sat up, and closed her eyes.

Deep breath.

Had it been a dream?

Had she really been on her beach?

What had really happened?

She was thinking of everything, and as the minutes passed, she felt a balm of tranquillity began to cover her heart.

Everything that confused her, was no longer there. All the doubts she had were no more. All the fears she had, no longer frightened her. Everything that distressed her tonight, no longer affected her.

All the painful memories of that tragic day had to go. She had to remember the love, the laughter, and the wonderful mark that Laura left in her life.

She couldn't lose herself in the painful memories, or in what was her life when she lost what she loved, she had to wipe out all those memories that had trapped her.

Life was beautiful and she had to live it, not hide or live in a state of numbness. She should always strive not to fall into everything that once made her lose herself. She had to walk with her head held high, one day at a time, but always looking forward.

It was as if a heavy backpack had been lifted from her shoulders. It was as if her mind was clear for the first time.

Was it possible Laura had visited her in her dreams?

She didn't know, but what she knew, was that she felt it, and what she felt was real.

She looked down at her necklace again.

She was allowed to be happy.

A smile crossed between tears. Different tears from those she had experienced all night, and every day since the death of Laura and her daughter.

Life changes constantly. Now, it was time to move on with her life and Callie knew with certainty who she wanted to share with that life.

Soon a few words rumbled in her mind as she thought of everything that had happened.

"You remember our promise," Laura's words echoed and the memories came with her.

 _\- Tomorrow is the day. - Laura spoke as they rested in her bed._

 _\- At last. I can't wait any longer. - Callie kissed the forehead of her future wife, while the redhead hugged her. - I love you so much._

 _\- Me too, I love you so much. -_

 _Silence._

 _\- Cal, there's something I want you to promise me. - Laura closed her eyes._

 _\- What is it? - She looked down and the other woman took a deep breath._

 _\- I want you to always be happy. - Silence - Love is the most precious fruit we have in our lives and I want to dedicate every second of my life to honouring it. - Pause. - As long as there is still breath in me, I will love you and I know it will be reciprocal. I'm sure that the only thing that can separate us is if one of us no longer here... - Laura had a strange feeling, which always made her uneasy and she had to let it out._

 _\- I think so too... but why think about it now? What's going on? –_

 _\- Nothing wrong... I just need you to promise me something... - Silence. - Life can go in the blink of an eye... - Silence. - That's why I want you to promise me that if my time comes before yours, your heart will not shut down. I need to know that after sadness and pain will come the smile. Because only then will I know that my life wasn't in vain, because to love means to want your happiness... and I want you to be happy even when I'm not here anymore, and even if it's not with me._

 _\- God! I don't want to think about it... it will happen when we grow old, when our children give us grandchildren, and we have great-grandchildren... - Callie smiled._

 _\- Cal... Please... - It was a plea, she felt she had to say it for some reason she didn't know and couldn't pass up._

 _\- I love you... and... I don't want to think about it... because I know that if something happens to you... - Silence. - God! No... I'm not going think about it... - The brunette took a deep breath and took her strength. - What you've said is difficult, but I understand... I can only promise that I will try, but only if you promise to do the same. If my time comes before yours, I want your heart to continue beating and your smile to never disappear. When I'm gone, I want your happiness, even without me._

 _\- I promise I'll try... but I hope I don't have to experience life without you ever... - Tears rolled._

 _\- Neither do I... - Both women hugged each other tightly, the day before their wedding, both were too emotional and the feelings were so close to the surface._

. . .

Callie wiped her tears at the memory, their promise.

Now she understood why Laura had asked her if she remembered. Life is so strange, at that time it was as if Laura always knew something would happen.

She looked once more at her necklace, their rings and the heart that they had bought for Emily, hanging together. The brunette remembered when she began to use it, while gently stroking the rings.

It was the day of their funeral.

 _Callie was sitting on the bed in her room, her body defeated, and her eyes red and swollen. Her movements had been mechanical, everything was as if she had stopped. She barely breathed, it was as if the air had been taken from her lungs._

 _There was nothing else, the world around her had disappeared. Today was the funeral of the two most important people in her life, she had to say goodbye and she wasn't ready for it, and never would be._

 _She opened the drawer of her bedside table and took out a small blue velvet box. She looked at it for a moment, before slowly opening it._

 _She pulled out a thin necklace with a heart pendant she had bought for when Emily grew up._

 _She stroked heart for a moment, then pulled Laura's ring from her pocket and rolled it in her fingers. Then she looked at her own ring and after a few minutes she took it off. She hung the two rings on the necklace and sighed. She looked at her finger, a lighter stripe reminded her that there was something there for a long time, and tears rolled._

 _She put on the necklace and watched as it rested on her chest. That was their story, their memories._

 _She grabbed it hard and thought of how her life went from complete happiness to total devastation._

 _Then everything became empty and cold._

 _She got up and left her room._

 _. . ._

 _In the living room Mark waited in silence. There were no words, they just walked to what would be their last goodbye._

 _The funeral service was short and private. She was accompanied by her closest friends and Laura's parents._

 _Her family was in those coffins, there was no one else. Her parents lived, but they didn't exist in her life, they had walked away from her, repudiating her for being bisexual._

 _So they were their only direct family and they were gone, she was alone._

 _Callie didn't speak, there was nothing left in her, and her expressions were blank. Mark didn't leave her side, but there was nothing more he could do for her._

 _When she stood in front of the two coffins, one large and one smaller... all had gone away. Her tears began to fall, soon the sobs grew heavier and she dropped to her knees on the floor. There was nothing that could make this easier and less painful._

 _She clung to her necklace and let herself go. She wanted nothing more, she felt her heart go out, as her smile disappeared and her body became numb._

 _Since that day she had never taken it off. That would be the constant memory of what she no longer had, of what she had lost because of herself._

 _It was her fault, she was driving, and she should have been the one who died._

. . .

Callie came back from the past, with her hand still on the necklace. That was the memory she had clung to, and that had paralyzed her.

A little more than a year had passed since that day and after much walking, she had returned from the shipwreck that was her life ever since.

It was time to let go of memories and get back to her life.

But living fully, aware of what she had today and what she could have, knowing that she could be happy again, and that she was allowed to smile. She could remember, but she would never be paralyzed by it again.

A smile formed on her lips, and she breathed with an ease she hadn't allowed herself for a long time. It filled her lungs with renewed air painlessly.

She unhooked the necklace from her neck and held it in her palm of her hand; she ran her fingers over the rings and heart.

Then she went to the bedside table and the blue velvet box was still there. Carefully, she took the rings from the necklace and put it inside, she closed her eyes and along with it the box.

This is what Laura told her to do, she should let her go.

She thought of Emily, and she knew this would take more time. So she hung her little girl's necklace back on her neck... her heart would beat inside her forever.

. . .


	24. Chapter 24

I've uploaded two chapters, I hope you like it.

* * *

\- (22 December 2013) –

Arizona still had a bad feeling and not seeing Callie caused a painful pang in her heart. Yesterday, they had talked on the phone, but she still wasn't calm.

She was sure that Callie wasn't absent just because of fatigue yesterday. She was sure that the loss of the patient had brought Callie into her past and she was probably struggling.

Arizona sighed, she wanted to be with Callie and be supportive for her, but she had to accept that Callie needed space.

She was annoyed with herself because her mind kept making assumptions that only served to make her more restless.

It scared her to think that perhaps she would never be enough for the brunette, and that every time Callie's life was unstable she would walk away from her. She was afraid that at any moment, Callie would tell her that she couldn't continue with her relationship because her past weighed more than her present.

But why didn't she call her girlfriend? Why did she prefer to make theories that she no evidence of?

As soon as she realized what she had to do, she pulled out her cell phone to call her, but before she did, she saw a message from Callie, received today at noon.

How did she not realize? She was so focused trying to find a reason for her strange feelings that she didn't even notice when Callie had communicated with her.

* Hey! I'm sorry I didn't send message you before.  
I hope you missed me, because I did!  
See you later, kisses!

Callie had sent it early, and the blonde responded immediately.

* I'm sorry I didn't respond before, I just saw the message.  
I miss you so much, I just want to see you...  
Well... I would much prefer a live kiss...  
Where are you?

After a few minutes that seemed an eternity, the answer came, but in the form of a call, and Arizona responded quickly.

\- Hey! I want to see you! - The blonde spoke anxiously.

\- I'm sorry, Doctor Robbins, I'm not who you want to see. - Arizona blushed and felt ashamed, after a moment's silence, she cleared her throat.

\- I... I'm sorry. Is this not Callie's number?

\- Yes, it is, Doctor Torres is currently in surgery, and she asked me to call you.

\- Oh! - The blonde nodded, but the embarrassment didn't disappear. - Mmmm, this is uncomfortable... I'm sorry...

\- She says she's going to be caught up in surgery, so she won't be able to see you.

\- Mmmm, well that's a shame. - The blonde was silence for a moment. - Well, tell her that's okay, I'll see her tomorrow. - Arizona was disappointed, but she understood, at least Callie had returned to work.

\- She says not to be discouraged and to keep on smiling... - Arizona smiled awkwardly. - She asks if you can wait in her apartment when you finish so you can have dinner together. You know where the keys are. - The nurse laughed.

\- Of course! - The blonde spoke with emotion.

\- That's all Doctor Robbins.

\- Bye. - Arizona hung up the call with a smile on her face.

She wanted the day will end soon so she could see her girlfriend, she really missed Callie, and there was something she'd wanted to ask for days. She wanted to spend Christmas with Callie, but she didn't know if it would be a good idea to propose it.

. . .

Today had been a busy day for Callie and she missed Arizona. They hadn't seen each other since Friday and she intended to see her today, but it had been impossible. So at some point in the morning she had sent her a message to at least let her know that she missed her.

Callie hadn't wanted to push Arizona away, but she knew that's what she had done the last two days.

On Friday, her mind and heart had been a huge mess after the loss of her patient, and she needed some space to deal with all of her internal storm.

On Saturday, she had stayed at home knowing that she couldn't work after the few hours of sleep she had had. But besides, after what had happened that morning, she needed to sort her mind and stabilize all the emotional turmoil before seeing her girlfriend.

Callie wasn't quite sure what had happened. A dream, a vision, her imagination, an encounter in Laura's space and time?

She didn't know, but what she had felt and what she had understood... was very real, and that was all that mattered.

Because today, she felt that her emotions were under control and her heart was calm, something she hadn't felt for a long time.

That's why Callie wanted her day to come to an end once and for all. Because there was someone waiting for her in her apartment and all she wanted was to hold her, show her how much she wanted her in her life and stop running.

. . .

It was about 8:00 pm, and Arizona had been in Callie's apartment a long time ago. She had poured herself a glass of wine, sat down on the couch, but the nerves didn't leave her. She got up from the sofa, and as she walked around, she stopped in the hallway. There were many pictures hanging on the wall of Callie and Laura laughing, hugging and happy.

Arizona couldn't imagine what Callie went through when she lost Laura, but she hoped she could mean as much to Callie on day.

She dreamed that one day they could share a story so beautiful and strong, just as she had shared with Laura. It wasn't that she wanted to compare herself to Laura, or that she envied her, but she longed to make the brunette smile as much as she did in those photographs.

She longed for and wanted so many things for them, and sometimes, Callie's past provoked insecurities at times. Could it be that, one day, Callie would love her, as if there was no one else in the world?

\- Hey! - A voice startled her and pulled her from her meditations.

Arizona hadn't heard the door, and much less Callie's entrance. For a moment, she felt like an intruder, invading her girlfriend's memories, and she felt like being trapped in something bad.

\- Sorry I didn't hear you coming... I was just... - She spoke as she turned, but a pair of soft lips was interrupted her.

Arizona didn't see it coming, but it was a surprisingly delicious and welcome kiss. When they parted, Callie looked at her and smiled tenderly. The blonde tried to smile, but it didn't come out as she expected... it was a sad smile that reflected in her eyes.

\- What's the matter? - Callie asked gently.

\- Nothing... sorry... I just... - Arizona looked at the floor. - I was watching your photos... I didn't want to seem intrusive. - Callie tilted her head and with her hand lifted the blonde's chin to look at her.

\- There is nothing you can't see... - Arizona nodded, but there was something in her eyes, and Callie saw it. – You okay?

\- Yes, I am. I was just looking. - She turned back to the photographs, and Callie studied her intently. - You look so beautiful in all of them... your smile, your eyes... you look so happy... - Her voice trailed off.

Then Callie could feel what it was all about, it was her fault that her girlfriend looked so vulnerable.

The brunette got behind her, wrapped her arms around her waist and placed her chin on her shoulder. She looked at the photos and smiled, took a deep breath and watched the blonde's profile in silence for a moment. She thought about how good it felt to have Arizona in her arms, and she wanted her girlfriend to realize that she was there... with her.

\- Yes, I was very happy... - Silence. - Laura made me very happy. - Arizona's throat tightened and she felt like crying. She thought her fears were being confirmed. That she had to settle for what was left of Callie, only a part of her heart. - When she left, my world collapsed... it was like I was slowly dying... I didn't think it was possible to feel alive again, and I began to disappear... to lose myself. - Callie stopped and saw Arizona's reaction.

Arizona sighed deeply and smiled, but she had her heart shrank. She wanted to be the person that could help the brunette move on from Laura, but hearing her speak, it made her feel that she was far from being that person.

Callie watched Arizona; she looked insecure and vulnerable. She knew she had to say or do something; she should let her know that there was nothing to fear. That she was finally in, one hundred percent, for herself and her relationship. She needed to show that Laura was no longer an issue between them.

\- But you know what? - The brunette finally spoke again, she leaned closer, and hugged her harder. - When I met you, I felt my life starting again... it was as if I was slowly coming out of a very dark place. - The blonde smiled, knowing that Callie was trying to make her feel better.

\- Calliope... I didn't do anything. - The blonde didn't know what else to say.

\- Of course, you did. - Callie smiled at her. - Your way of being, the way you came to me, how you insisted on being my friend, being there in my crisis and just staying when anyone else would have run... all of that... left a deep impression in my heart without me realizing it. - Silence. - And while I started to improve... - The brunette smiled. - I couldn't help but see how beautiful you were... those blue eyes became a necessity to feeling good. - Callie placed a kiss on her cheek and the blonde smiled. - And that smile... began to do things to my heart... and although at first I wanted to deny it, and to avoid, everything that began to feel so intense... and soon I couldn't help it. - She kissed her cheek again and forced her to turn around.

Keeping her close, Callie looked into those eyes she wanted to see forever. She smiled at her, pushed a lock of hair away and caressed her face softly. She could see everything through her eyes, fear and love were there. Arizona could only smile and close her eyes to Callie's touch.

\- I know what your fears are... - Arizona opened her eyes suddenly. - But you need to know how happy you make me. You've brought back something that I never thought I could have again - Callie took one of the blonde's hands and guided it to her chest gently. - Can you feel the beat of my heart? - The blonde was silent. - It is beating so strong and intense... and that's because of you... nobody but you can bring cause that kind of reaction... your simple presence... your smile... every time I think of you. - The blonde was trying to contain her tears, no one had ever spoken to her so carefully, with so much love. - Everything about you makes my heart beat, you are the reason I have meaning to my life again... you are the reason why I think that it is possible to be happy again. - The brunette paused and shifted her gaze to the photographs on the wall. - Those photos you see here are just beautiful memories... - Callie turned her gaze to the blonde and pressed her hand to her chest. - Laura is no longer here, but you are, and that makes my heart stutter and beat ferociously at the same time.

Arizona hugged Callie and clung to her neck. Callie's words were so powerful that it made her knees feel weak.

The sincerity of the words was reflected in her eyes, and she thanked her in silence, because that was all she needed to hear to calm her heart.

They embraced in silence for one more moment.

Callie shifted her gaze to the images as they hugged, and smiled. That was the memory of her past, a wonderful past, but in her arms she had her present. A present she wanted to have future with. A future that promised be bring happiness and joy.

The brunette buried her nose into Arizona's neck and absorbed the unique and intoxicating scent of her girlfriend.

After what seemed like an eternity they parted, looked at each other with watery eyes, and smiled.

Arizona noticed there was something different in Callie's eyes, but didn't know it was. For the first time, she didn't see the darkness, emptiness, pain, or sadness, as she had so often seen in her eyes. Today was different.

They were lost in the moment and slowly approached to join their lips. It was a soft kiss, slow and filled with passion. Their tongues met with reverence and care, as their hearts pumped with hope.

They parted and smiled once more. Callie felt good; she finally felt at peace... she felt alive. Arizona felt the calm of her heart... she felt happy and hopeful for their future.

. . .

The night continued in tranquility. They dined and then, as was their custom, they settled on the couch. They talked about their day, while they stole kisses and caresses.

Callie was sitting with her legs spread out on the coffee table, and Arizona was lying down along the sofa with her head on the brunette's legs. Callie watched her as she ran her hands through her blond hair.

\- Can I ask you a question?

\- Of course. - The brunette answered.

\- Mmmm, it's about Christmas night.

\- What is it? - Callie watched her face as she gently stroked her hair.

\- It's just... I'm not working that night, and I don't know... - Silence. - I was wondering if you wanted to come over... if you want, and you can... - The brunette smiled.

\- No, I'm not working either and I would love to spend it with you... - Silence. - But... Could we spend it here instead? I know there's nothing here that makes it seems like we're at Christmas... it's just that last year didn't exist for me, and now that it's so close and I didn't even realize... but we can put a tree, and give it a Christmas makeover. - She spoke as she looked around and she made some gestures with her hands.

\- I don't care where I am, as long as I'm with you... - Both looked at each other and smiled.

\- Thank you. - Callie leaned over and kissed her forehead.

After another moment of tranquillity, the blonde had to break the bubble they were in.

\- It's getting late; I should go... I have an early day tomorrow.

\- I don't think I'm going to be able to see you that much before that. - She pouted. – But would you be able to come find a tree with me on Christmas Eve morning? – She asked as the blonde got up.

\- Of course. - Arizona took Callie's hands to lift her off the sofa. - Walk me to the door?

They walked hand in hand and once standing in front of the door, Arizona opened it and turned. They both looked at each other in the doorway.

\- Well, I'll see you then.

\- Yeah, good night. - Arizona leaned over and kissed the brunette. It was just a goodbye kiss, and when Arizona was about to part, Callie took her hips and pulled her closer to her. The blonde was surprised by the act, but she enjoyed it.

The soft kiss, became needy and passionate, and their bodies pressed tightly together. After a moment, Callie pulled away a little, just a little to speak. - Mmmm, I like having you like this... close... very close... - She kissed her again and approached her as much as possible. Callie felt looser, more confident and the blonde realized.

\- Mmm... me too... - Silence. - I also like having you like this... but... if you don't stop... - Callie searches for her lips and caught them between her teeth for a moment. - If you don't stop doing that... - Silence, heavy breaths. - I don't think I'll want to leave.

\- Yeah, I know... I'm sorry. - Callie answered without processing Arizona's words, because she pushed the blonde against the frame of the open door and kissed her intensely.

Callie wanted more from Arizona, it's not the first time she felt like this, but today is different. There is nothing holding her back. It's just her and her girlfriend there, sharing their moment. Laura is her past, a past she will always remember. But what she has in the present is what she wants to fight for, that's why she wants to fight... that's where she wants to be.

Callie wants Arizona and wants to take that final step. She wants to connect completely with Arizona, wants to be one with her. She wants to show her how much she means to her, but she knows it will not be tonight. Even so, she wants to make Arizona feel that she wants everything with her and she is doing it explicitly, showing her with her actions rather than her words.

Arizona is in the sky, she loves the way Callie feels... so free, so sure... it makes her feel wanted, unique... but she knows that they must stop.

Slowly they begin to lower the intensity and slowly separate their lips. They look at each other and their foreheads unite. Their breaths are heavy, they feel good... they feel completely in tune.

\- I have to go. - The blonde pouts.

\- I know... - Callie leans forward to nip at the blonde's lower lip.

\- I'll miss you.

\- Me too.

\- It's hard to leave you. - The blonde smiles.

\- I know what you're talking about... - She smiles too. - But there will be more time. We should get some rest, tomorrow will be a long day.

\- Yes I know. - They separate. - Goodnight.

\- Goodnight.

One last kiss and their bodies separate reluctantly, both feeling the heat of the other leave them.

Arizona begins to walk backwards, eyes never looking away from the brunette. Callie looks at the blonde waving her hand and turns slowly to make her way. The brunette doesn't close the door until Arizona disappears into the elevator.

Callie enters her apartment, closes the door and rests her back against it. She sighs and throws her head back. This woman has definitely changed her life and wants to prove her. She wants to make her happy and be happy with her.


	25. Chapter 25

.

\- (December 24, 2013) -

This morning, the cold weather dominated Seattle. Gray clouds peered into the sky and the icy wind shook their bodies. They wore thick jackets, scarves and wool gloves. It was the coldest day since winter had come, but there was nothing better than sharing it together.

Callie and Arizona had gathered early this morning. While it wasn't the best idea, after touring various places, they had managed to find a decent tree to sit by and they were happy.

The morning had passed quickly, and they enjoyed the simplicity of everyday life. They just fit naturally with each other, as if they'd lead a whole life together. Holding hands, stealing kisses, a smile at the surprise of a joke; everything was just amazing.

. . .

Back at the apartment, they focused on their Christmas chores, sharing their afternoon between conversations and laughter, as they remembered past stories. Among the memories, the nostalgia appeared for a moment. Their minds wandered to their own thoughts and the silence was what they shared, but nothing between them was uncomfortable.

Arizona had never shared so much, and so easily, with another person, but Callie had incorporated into her life so effortlessly. Arizona found herself wanting things she had never wanted before. Now, she was thinking of a future, a life together, and she was looking forward with longing.

. . .

The afternoon passed by without realizing, while they sat against the tree and shared stories. Callie listened with great attention about Arizona and her brother, the mischief they did when they were children, and the life they had with their parents.

Callie couldn't help but smile at how adorable her girlfriend was. There was a special gleam in her eyes when she talked about her brother and her parents. She could feel how close they all were, and she imagined how difficult it was for them to lose Tim.

The brunette sighed deeply.

As they shared all those memories, a flash crossed her mind. The memory of her own family and how her parents had left her so many years ago. But she quickly pushed away those memories, because she just had to focus on what was in front of her. A wonderful woman who was filling her heart. Callie smiled at the peace she felt in her heart.

. . .

Finally, everything looked beautiful and Callie was satisfied. She looked around and after a long time her apartment felt like home again.

The night had arrived, and both women knew that there would nothing be traditional about how they celebrated these dates, but all that mattered was being together. Dinners and gifts weren't their priority.

They were silent as they watched the tree lights blinking and glowing constantly. Thoughts, memories, yearnings, and silences pleasantly shared, giving way to new sensations and mixed feelings.

In a breath, not knowing how long they had been silent, Callie had to contain a knot that began to tighten in her throat. She took another deep breath, she didn't want to be sad, but there was something in her heart.

Emily.

"Everything will come in due time", Laura had said, but inevitably her little girl was there and caused her melancholy. Callie breathed again trying to handle the emotion.

Arizona was sitting on the couch, while Callie was lying on her side, her head on her girlfriend's lap, looking at the tree. The blonde noticed the change in Callie, but she didn't say anything.

Callie was lost for a moment between the constant flicker of lights and introspection. She had gone somewhere else unintentionally. To a place where her daughter was alive, and where she saw her around playing, talking, smiling and embracing her.

It was inevitable not to think about her daughter and what she might be doing with her now if she hadn't left so early.

Arizona realized what was happening, she didn't need to hear where her girlfriend's head was; she simply stroked her hair in a gesture of care and love.

\- I miss her. - After a moment, Callie's voice came softly, almost with fear, and her gaze lost in the lights. Arizona squeezed her shoulder, urging her to continue.

Arizona believed that Callie had to let go of everything she felt, and she wanted her girlfriend to have the confidence to reach out to her with the things she kept in her heart; those things she kept away from the rest of the world. She wanted to be Callie's person, the one who knew everything about her, and the person she could always share her thoughts and feelings with.

\- I miss Emily... - Callie spoke, Arizona nodded, resting her hand against the brunette's arm. She delicately caressed her up and down in a gesture of support and understanding. - I wish she were here... - Callie smiled sadly and after a moment turned to the blonde. She curled up in a fetal position and hid in Arizona as if she was a little girl. The blonde adjusted her scrambled hair, clearing the side of her face and whispered.

\- I know sweetheart... I know... - Callie moved and looked up to her girlfriend.

\- I don't want to be sad. - A tear rolled down the brunette's cheeks. - I'm here, I'm with you and I want to enjoy this... I don't want to ruin it. - The blonde wiped the tear that escaped from Callie's eyes with her thumb and gave her a smile.

\- You haven't ruined anything... you're with me and I'm here for you... we're having a great time. Emily is an important part of your life, so she is for me too. - Callie smiled gratefully. - Calliope... I want you to know that I'll always be here for you. I want you to tell me everything without worry or fear. I want you to trust me, because I'm here no matter how the days are like. There will be happy days and others may be sad... but I want to be there for all of them... I want to know every part of you. - The brunette listened in silence. Her heart, despite the sadness of not having Emily, was swollen and pounding. Although it seemed illogical, she was happy too, and wondered how that was possible.

\- You're amazing, you know that? - Arizona blushed at the compliment. The brunette sighed deeply and looked at her as if she didn't think it was real. She smiled at her and was relieved. - You're all I need to move on... you're wonderful. -

Arizona bent to leave a kiss on Callie's forehead and leaned back looking at her with a soft smile and her eyes full of love. They looked at each other for what seemed like forever, and Arizona wanted to say how much she loved her, but she chose to keep it to herself, this wasn't the time.

Callie lifted her hand and brought it gently to the blonde's face, caressing it gently with her fingertips. She was lost in this act for a moment as her eyes followed the movement of her fingers, adoring and contemplating the beauty in front of her.

Arizona closed her eyes while she felt and enjoyed the soft touch, lost in the emotions.

Callie got up slowly and sat down next to the blond. When Arizona felt the loss of contact, she opened her eyes to see the brunette looking at her; she suddenly felt very nervous.

Callie looked between her eyes and her lips, and after a moment she began to approach slowly. The brunette felt Arizona's nervousness and stopped inches from her lips, she could feel the blonde's breath tickling her.

It felt like their first kiss all over again, but not just any first kiss.

It felt like that kiss that you know will change your world. That kiss you've been waiting and dreaming of for a long time. The one you didn't believe could exist or thought you would never experience it again.

The one that makes you anxious and causes you chills before making contact. The one that tightens your chest and makes your stomach flutter.

The kiss that leads you back to adolescence because you're nervous and scared. The one that is killing you in anticipation. The one that makes everything stop around you, and that causes the time to freeze.

That unique and perfect kiss, the one you know you want to give for the rest of your life and that you will only stop giving when life fades away in front of you.

Callie knew that feeling, had lived it once before, but it was still different, because both experiences had a meaning and a unique value in themselves.

The wonderful memory that Laura had left her would be saved forever in her heart, because that great first love had been very important in her life. She would never dare compare what she felt now with what she felt in the past, she would simply close that chapter in her life because it had come to an end and would start a new one.

What she felt today she was incredibly powerful, she felt that her heart and every fiber of her being had come back to life; and perhaps the value of this new stage was in the fact that it had been difficult to get up again and look forward.

Arizona, for its part, didn't know what to do, her nerves made her small and awkward. She didn't know the feeling, had never experienced something like that. She had only dreamed it, had imagined it, but she never thought it would come true.

. . .

Everything seemed to pass in an eternity, even though only a few seconds passed before their lips touched.

A soft and subtle contact, which made them feel the immensity of their feelings break through the marrow of their bones. They parted, keeping the touch of their lips, almost without touching them.

What happened to them? It wasn't the first time they'd shared a kiss, they had had more than that, but everything felt new and powerful.

They resumed their connection slowly and their lips touched again.

Little kisses in one corner, in the other, only on the lower lip, soft grips... their noses brushed unintentionally and they smiled.

They were playing with their nervousness to scare it away. Their heads lean to one side and the other as they make threats to kiss each other, until finally their lips touch.

Their lips move together, at first only their lips are touching, but after a moment, their tongues want to participate, and tentatively they start asking for permission.

Their tongues touch and a current is turned on, and an electric shock spreads... get entangled, caress each other, and all their circuits explode.

Lips and tongues cause the initial nervousness begin to dissipate, and other sensations begin to make their way through them.

Callie is leaning slightly toward the blonde in the kiss, one of her hands resting on the back of the sofa and the other on the blonde's knee; while Arizona's own hand is on the brunette.

There is only that body contact with only their lips and tongues interacting, and the space in the room seems to getting smaller. The air begins to fail, and they must separate to allow the passage of air.

Their mouths are slightly ajar, their tongues come out in tip and touch, while they let little oxygen pass into their lungs, not wanting to escape their connection.

Callie traced the shape of the blonde's lips with her tongue, and Arizona caught her between her teeth and sucked. The brunette catches Arizona lips and again they were lost in their kisses.

Tongues and lips mixed, savouring unique sensations. They don't want that to end, and they want to feel it for the rest of their lives.

There is something in the air, something that seems to make the room to shrink. They are like two magnets of opposite poles, struggling with the force of physics not to dock yet; but they know they can't fight the force that attracts them... and they will not try to fight it either.

The intensity of their feelings and sensations have been growing, and the nerves have dissipated. Their lips are increasingly eager to be caught and savoured, sharing a synchronized and sensual dance.

Their hands can't be still, the blonde began to run her hand up and down Callie's arm, while the brunette runs hers from the knee up the thigh, up and down, slowly, higher and higher.

Both are explored without crossing many boundaries, threats of more, but without breaking the barriers that had maintained until then.

Still, their bodies begin to react and beg for more, it is difficult to manage and control. They feel as if from any moment the floor will disappear and together they will fall into a sweet and endless abyss.

Callie could feel a tickling that was forming at the end of her spine, it was as if her body was beginning to awaken from a deep and long sleep.

This wasn't a sensation or a reaction that anyone could arouse in her, but now her body was reacting in deep and powerful sensations simply by sharing kisses and subtle caresses.

It wasn't that Callie hadn't felt turned on before with Arizona, but today it was different and doubly intensified. She knew it was because there was nothing to suppress her, and she felt free to enjoy her connection. There were no fears, no blame, and no restrictions. Her heart was beating for the woman she had with her and it was all she wanted to feel from now on.

Arizona also wasn't indifferent to what happened and felt like her body was lit second by second in an unusual way. However, she was contained, didn't want to ruin the moment with a bad decision, or with anything that could keep Callie away.

Although, a few days ago, the brunette had chased away all her fears and insecurities, she didn't want to rush. But it was difficult because this moment surpassed any other shared moment, even that night at the beach.

Suddenly, not knowing who moved first. Callie was sitting upright against the back of the sofa, and Arizona was straddling her. They didn't know how they got there, it was just a quick, sudden movement that made them gasp together.

They stopped kissing and looked at each other intensely, in their eyes the excitement and desire were reflected.

Callie ran her hands over the blonde's thighs and reaching her hips, pulled her against her tightly, still looking at her; Arizona moaned and immediately grabbed the brunette's face with both hands and passionately captured her lips.

They kissed intensely, Callie clung to Arizona's body and pulled her as close as she could, and the blonde couldn't help but grinding on the brunette, her body reacted autonomously.

Each nervous ending, of both women, pulsed uncontrollably, and they wanted to reach the end, but a ray of lucidity crossed the blonde's mind. She thought about what was happening and forced herself to stop. She took a deep breath and took a moment, remembering that they were taking things slowly.

Callie didn't understand what was happening and seemed a bit confused, but still engrossed by the sensations she was experiencing.

\- Calliope... I'm sorry... I couldn't help it. - The brunette just nodded, she was lost in the other woman. - But... we should... stop... - Arizona tried to say more to herself than to Callie.

\- Why? - The brunette's voice came out in a husky whisper and the blonde couldn't think straight, Callie's voice was incredibly hot.

\- Because if we don't now... I won't be able to stop later. - Arizona just wanted to continue, and get lost in Callie, but the idea that the brunette felt pressured and then wanted to get away, scared her. - And... I just... - The brunette was making her task difficult.

While Arizona tried to finish what she wanted to say, Callie kissed her neck and left her nose there, sending a chill through the Arizona's body.

The brunette's mind seemed to be numb, but she was sure of what she wanted. She wanted the blonde and needed her, she felt ready for the next step and wanted to show her girlfriend that she was there.

Callie moved with Arizona over her to the edge of the sofa. She was going to get up, when Arizona stopped her. - Wait, wait, what... what... do? - Silence. - I don't want you to feel pressured... it's okay to take the time you need, you know I'll wait. - The brunette looked at her and smiled.

\- You're not pushing me... - She kissed her cheek. - I want... - She left a kiss on her lips. - I need... - She moved to Arizona's ear and whispered. - I need more of you. - Callie looked back at her blue eyes and put her hand on the blonde's neck, while her thumb ran down her chin. - I don't want to wait anymore, everything I want is here... you... I'm ready. - Callie went to give her a kiss, and Arizona stood with her mouth ajar waiting for the kiss, when the brunette stopped almost touching her lips. - I want to take you to my bed... kiss you... breathe your scent... and feel your body against mine. - She captured the lips of Arizona, but the blonde pulled back.

\- You... want? - Arizona spoke without being able to believe what she was hearing.

\- I want everything with you... - Saying that, she didn't wait any longer and got up, while Arizona came down from the brunette's lap.

They made their way blindly to the room as they kissed and took off their shirt. They crossed the threshold of the room and Callie pinned Arizona against the wall. They were consumed in kisses, sensations and touches.

Everything experienced was too intense. They kissed and stroked each other as if their life depended on it, fearing that everything was a dream and that at any moment the other would disappear.

In an instant, the brunette lifted the blonde and held her against the wall. Arizona wrapped her legs around Callie's waist and her hands clutched at her hair as they kissed. The sensation of having Callie pressed against her threatened to melt her.

In one swift move, Callie walked to the bed and gently dropped Arizona onto her back. She stood watching the blonde as she leaned on her elbows smiling and inviting her to join her.

The brunette paused for a moment to contemplate the beauty before her. There she watched the eyes that had seen through her, and the smile that had turned her darkness into light. She felt overwhelmed by everything she was experiencing.

Arizona settled closer to the middle of the bed without looking away, while Callie seemed to numb her with her brown eyes. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed, and her heart began to pound even harder when she saw the brunette approaching slowly on her knees to the bed.

Slowly she came closer, and what had once been frantic, had become slow and reverent, but never ceased to be exciting.

Callie moved closer to the blonde's body, and still on her knees, she leaned in, leaving her hands resting on either side of the blonde. She kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose and then her lips. Down her chin, around her neck and back to her lips... kisses slow, soft and wet.

She pulled away, took a deep breath, and looked at her woman.

\- Arizona... - Her voice came softly and paused trying to control her breathing. - Tonight it's just you and me... my heart is yours and it's beating just for you. - Callie was opening her heart and giving it everything to Arizona. - I have no fears, no doubts... I... I want everything with you...

\- Calliope... - Arizona was silent for a moment. - I know, I can feel it... and I... I want you to know... - Silence. - God! - The blonde wanted to say how she felt, but she was nervous. - I... I love you, Calliope... - She swallows the lump in her throat. - I can't hide it anymore, because it's exploding here... - She put her hand on her chest. - And I want to shout it out to the world... I feel happy... my heart is yours... all I want is to make you happy, to be happy together... - She paused. - I don't want to frighten you with my feelings, and I expect you to say it back... it's just that I can't hold it anymore... and I know that maybe you don't... - The blonde was interrupted by two fingers that were placed on her lips.

\- Sh... I can feel that you love me when you look at me, when you smile at me... and... You make me want to love you too. To get here, to be like this with you today... is not simply the desire of my body... it is also the desire of my heart that overcame the fear, the guilt, and the past... made itself heard... this is not just about sex, it's about love, giving us everything... this was the step I couldn't give, but tonight I'm sure... I want to make love to you...

\- Calliope... - The blonde was speechless, she couldn't contain everything that she felt; it was so much that it felt like her heart was bursting. - I... - The words couldn't come out, and Callie smiled.

\- I love you too, Arizona... you made me breathe and want to live again.

\- I love you... I love you so much.

. . .

Words were no longer needed between them.

They approached in unison, and their lips connected as a way to seal their statement. Love was there, and they both could feel it.

As they kissed, they began to explore their bodies again, but this time without the same rush. What was left of their clothes was gradually coming off, until their bodies were completely naked, and finally made contact.

Skin with skin, heart with heart.

Deep looks, love, reverence, adoration, desire and arousal.

Their skins rubbed, the heat increased and their bodies quivered. Little by little, they were fanning the flames that they knew would soon consume them. Groans and noisy breaths echoed in the room in echoes of love.

Sometimes the rush, and the wild need to attend every corner of their bodies, threatened them with a quick and direct race to the climax of their connection. But they slowed without letting heat escape, just wanting to take all the time to feel and rediscover every inch of their bodies.

. . .

Arizona pushed the brunette onto her back and straddled her, as Callie's hands ran up and down her legs. They looked at each other for a moment, admiring each other, and engraving everything about them in their mind and heart. This wasn't like their first time, this was different... they knew each other intimately, and there was trust, but above all there was freedom and love.

The blonde's eyes traveled over Callie's body and realized something she hadn't noticed before, Callie didn't have the rings on her necklace. She frowned and looked at the brunette, bending her head asked without speaking. Callie just smiled and in her eyes was the answer.

Arizona felt her heart rise from her chest, this was what she had wanted for so long and now she had it. Although Callie had already told her about her feelings, that act confirmed that the woman she loved had let go of her past and the fears, definitely. She felt really loved, and her own fears no longer existed.

The blonde kissed Callie's lips, and began to lower leaving kisses down her neck, clavicle and her chest. Callie had her eyes closed enjoying the sensations, and she could feel the love of her girlfriend in every touch and every kiss.

Arizona reached the brunette's chest and kissed her scar. She stroked with her fingers slowly along the length of the mark, while the brunette suddenly opened her eyes and started. Callie's instinct wanted her to hide and make her retreat, but when she met Arizona's eyes, she realized she no longer had anything she wanted to hide away from her girlfriend. It was time to begin to heal deeply, and for that, she would give herself completely to the woman she loved.

When their eyes spoke quietly, mutual understanding came, and the last walls between them finally ended up giving way.

Arizona kissed Callie's body again, continuing her way through her abdomen, navel and her ribs... she stopped again, another scar. A ray of sadness came over her, every mark on Callie's body told her about her pain and how that tragic accident marked her life. She breathed deeply, and there she made a silent vow to make her happy and to be for her always.

For Arizona, it was as if she had just met Callie's body for the first time today. The last time was wonderful, but today she felt the confidence to explore every corner and to stop at every tiny bit of the brunette. Today, she felt a total connection, without obstacles, without impediments. Today, they had said they loved each other... today, they were giving themselves for the first time in body and soul.

She made her way back up with the same delicacy and adoration, their bodies were starting to mold perfectly, and their hearts threatening to come out. When she was in front of Callie's face, she looked at her and stroked her face. She kissed her tenderly, with love, devotion, and desire. Callie smiled in the kiss, this felt like being born again.

They kissed passionately, as their hands running over their bodies, their breasts rubbing, and their mouths collided. The need was growing, giving way to more and more ardent kisses, bodies increasingly and more sweaty, and breaths increasingly heavy. Pulsations increasingly uncontrolled in their sexes, each was already aware of their own increasingly evident moisture.

Suddenly, without realizing, Arizona was on her back, and Callie was on her. The brunette wanted tonight to be about Arizona, she wanted to show her how much she loved her, how grateful she was for her patience. She wanted to make her feel like no one else made her feel before.

Callie wasn't going to rush, she would take the time to take Arizona to the fullest of pleasure and show her how much she loved her. She always enjoyed sex, sometimes she liked it hard and fast, to come hard in the midst of madness and haste. But she also liked to use patience and time, because there was a whole world to explore that she knew could take them even farther into pleasure and ecstasy.

When she was sure that the blonde had read her gaze and her intentions, she parted and remained on her knees, straddling one of Arizona's legs. She leaned forward and took the blonde's arms over her head, and still looking at her, she began to caress her in long strokes. She went down by her wrists, forearms, underarms, the side of her breasts, waist, hips, thighs, and calves... her hands sliding in subtle and delicate touches, alternating between fingers, nails and wet kisses.

The brunette was running every inch of Arizona's body, and the blonde felt as her body began to tingle. She exuded excitement from every pore on her body, and needed to touch Callie, but in her attempt her arms were forced up again.

Arizona bit her lip and closed her eyes tightly, she was completely aroused. Callie was taking her to an unknown world, with only touches and kisses.

For the blonde, sex was always about physical pleasure alone, which was achieved quickly and without spending much time for something else, either before or after the act. However, she never complained. It was good for her that way and she didn't need more.

But this was completely different, and she didn't want to end what she was feeling, because it wasn't just her body screaming for pleasure. With Callie, her body, her mind, and her heart had been synchronized like never before in her life, and she knew that maybe there, was the difference.

The way Callie caressed her, looked at her, and spoke to her, was absolutely erotic and sensual, too much to contain, and everything seemed to explode inside Arizona. She was there, at the mercy of the brunette, as no one had ever had her before, and her body could no longer stand still.

Callie was creating a revolution in her body, but she always avoided her breasts and her most cherished corners. However, she soon began to place small kisses on her neck, slowly descending, while playing with her tongue and leaving traces of moisture.

Her lips came, for the first time, to the blonde's breasts leaving soft kisses. Then her lips parted and her tongue came out tracing patterns around her breast. Finally she made contact with the nipple, and felt the hardening under the tip of her tongue. Then she caught it in her mouth, began to suck varying in intensity and movements, while her fingers stimulated the other breast.

Arizona felt as if her nerves were on fire; every stimulation in her chest was felt straight through to her core. Especially when Callie was dedicated to her right breast, which seemed to be connected, through something invisible, with her center, because every time Callie stimulated her there, it was almost like having her between her legs. Arizona couldn't believe that the brunette was discovering points of pleasure that she herself didn't know she had.

The blonde was totally lost, she had never felt her body this way, everything the brunette was doing to her was new to her.

Her voice became audible, her moans louder and louder, and she involuntarily began to move her hips with every sensation she experienced, trying to find friction.

Callie, without leaving her work on the blonde's breasts, began to descend with her hand, wanting to get to that place where only she had the freedom to explore now, and where she knew that the blonde already wanted, with so much need, to be touched. However, her hand stopped at the hipbone, but suddenly, and deliberately, pushed her knee up against the blonde's center.

\- Ah! - The blonde's mouth opened involuntarily and bit her lip. Callie leaned back, and smiled at the image as she eased off the pressure; she felt the desperation of the blonde when she wanted to look for more friction.

\- Patience, love. - Callie said softly near her ear. – I promise I'll make it worth your while. - The brunette bit her earlobe, and turned to look at the blonde's eyes, as her hand began to venture by her hip down.

Callie couldn't stop looking at each expression and reaction of her girlfriend, while her hand was continued its descent. She stopped when she reached the height of Arizona's knees to go between her legs... up and down, getting closer, but not touching what Arizona so badly wanted.

The blonde spread one of her legs to one side involuntarily, and Callie smiled, knew what Arizona needed.

Callie separated a little, and settled more comfortably between the blonde's legs, always on her knees. Her hands went beneath the blonde's legs and she folded them, urging her to leave the soles of her feet on the mattress.

The brunette looked at the splendid body in front of her. Blue eyes, pink lips, elongated neck, firm breasts, flat abdomen, marked hips and delicate legs. Without inhibitions, or self-restraints, her gaze went to the blonde's pelvis, and then she travelled further down; she bit her lip when she saw the visible glow of arousal in front of her.

Her hands went down and up the blonde's inner thighs, leaving little kisses and bites on her legs, until finally her fingers made the first contact. She felt the moisture and heat radiating from the blonde.

Arizona shuddered.

It all started smoothly, but with every extra touch, with every movement different, with every expert trajectory, that Callie's fingers did, her pulsations increased and her moisture escaped.

\- Don't stop doing that... - Her voice was hoarse with excitement, and her body began to move sensually. A smile was on Callie's face, seeing the blonde that way was driving her crazy.

Callie was doing all the right things and more, and Arizona's breathing became increasingly difficult. The brunette patiently created increasingly intense sensations in her, alternating fast movements with some slower ones. Arizona knew she didn't need much more to come, because Callie was stimulating each point perfectly; but she wanted more.

\- Calliope... I need m... -

The brunette knew that it was what she needed, but under the intensity of her attentions without leaving them completely. Arizona noticed it and felt the despair of her body. - No... Don't stop. - Her voice came out in a plea, but before she finished saying something else, the brunette, without warning, pushed in deep with her fingers, stilling them once sheathed inside the warmth.

\- Ah! - The blonde's mouth opened, her eyes closed tightly, and she bit her lip as she settled into the sensation. Callie waited a few seconds and when she felt her girlfriend was ready, she began to create a rhythm, going in and going out, while her thumb stimulated that perfect spot in Arizona.

Callie kissed her on one of her knee and spoke. – Open your legs. - Still giving her pleasure, she lowered herself, breathing against her core before her tongue went straight to taste it.

\- Oh my God! - The blonde lifted her hips, and grasped the brunette's hair firmly. She was already so close.

Callie continued with her expert ministrations, fingers and tongue combined to bring the blonde to the top. The brunette could feel her own excitement and moisture wreak havoc, but she knew that her time would come soon.

The pace grew, Arizona was losing and her voice echoed in the immensity of the room. Her back arched, her hands firmly grasping the sheets now, and her head back. An electrified sensation stretched across every corner of her body and she felt her blood build up in her exposed nerves, anticipating what was already coming.

Callie could feel the inside walls of Arizona tightening around her fingers, she folded her ring finger between her muscles to touch the nerve that made the blonde tremble.

\- Oh! Fuck! - The blonde couldn't think, her reason was evaporating... What was Callie doing? - Callio... Calliope... - She couldn't say more, and her thoughts clouded.

An embracing force took control of every fiber of her body and mind. Her head was pumping strongly, her face completely red and her heart was about to explode at any moment.

Soon, the rhythm could no longer be controlled and she let herself go. She could feel the spasms and involuntary contractions running through her lower belly. She surrendered to every powerful and overwhelming sensation that took control of her body. Her eyes closed tightly, incongruous words coming out of her mouth.

The vertigo of her sensations and emotions, surpassed and overwhelmed her. Her movements were frantic, she no longer had control over herself. Until she exploded, and felt as if the mattress had disappeared from under her body; it was as if she was falling off the sweetest precipice ever known. She reached the most powerful orgasm she had ever had, she tightened her legs tightly around Callie's head, and pressed herself against the brunette's mouth without contemplation, clinging until the last sensation.

Callie began to slow down and to give in, as she watched the blonde come down. She parted a little, but before pulling out her fingers, mischievously, she bent the ring finger again, and with her thumb pressed the exposed nerve of Arizona, ultra-sensitive by the activities carried out.

\- Ah! - Pain was the first thing the blonde felt, but accompanied by the almost sickly pleasure that made her push her hips up. The brunette smiled, she loved to see what she was causing in Arizona. - Fuck! - Arizona's pleasure re-intensified, and her body had a life of its own in spite of the pain, because the pleasure she was feeling was a blessed torture.

Her world fell apart, shattered, as she surrendered and fell off the precipice of pleasure given by Callie. Her mind was fuzzy and her body collapsed, her moisture spilled like never before in her life. Her chest rose and fell, her ears buzzing loudly, her heart kept jumping a thousand times an hour, and the oxygen seemed to be missing.

Callie stopped, with her fingers still trapped she could feel the walls of the blonde still beating. She slid them out gently, and ran her tongue through her folds taking a final taste, before pulled away completely.

She straightened between the blonde's legs and looked at the woman she loved completely ecstatic, lost, and abandoned.

Arizona felt the emptiness, and tongue soft, but she couldn't speak, she couldn't open her eyes. She couldn't react, tried to control her breathing, and level it, but it seemed mission impossible.

After a moment, which seemed an eternity, little by little she opened her eyes, and there, an intense brown eyes were waiting for her. Her brain was still hazy; there were no words to explain what she had felt. Her body still felt tingled in every corner, the brunette had shaken her world.

Callie smiled as Arizona tried to return to earth. – Are you okay? - The brunette looked at the blonde, and she could only nod.

Callie crawled to the side of the blonde, staying on her side and resting her head in her hand, waiting for the blonde to open her eyes. Arizona felt her girlfriend's gaze, turned her head to her, and finally opened her eyes to make contact with Callie's eyes.

The brunette looked at her intensely, as she brought her own fingers to her mouth, and licked them. Arizona, still in the midst of the post-orgasmic haze, lay sideways, and tangled her legs with Callie's, as she grabbed the brunette's face and kissed her. When she tasted her own taste, she couldn't stop moving against Callie's leg. Arizona was still hot, and she could go again with this woman, again and again tonight, no matter if her life is lost in it.

The brunette realized her condition and was delighted to see the blonde in that way. Her hand ventured between them again but Arizona with a great effort grabbed her wrist. - Dammit! - She pressed herself, as much as she could, into Callie's body. She remained motionless, totally rigid, trying to contain herself. - No... - Callie laughed.

\- Are you sure? Your body's saying something else. - The brunette whispered and the blonde nodded in desperately. Callie was in absolute need of attention, but if Arizona's body was ready again, she wouldn't mind waiting.

It had only been a few minutes, and the blonde couldn't understand what was happening to her body. She felt all sore but still very sensitive to any stimulation.

\- It's your turn. - She bit her lips. - I could continue... and I feel I can... even when everything hurts, I still want... - Callie readjusted her thigh between Arizona's legs and involuntarily, or that's what she told herself, brushed the blonde's sex. - Holy fuck! I don't know what you did to me... - She paused and swallowed hard. - I want to make you feel as good as you've made me feel, I want to dedicate myself to you... - She was breathed heavily, and it was becoming difficult to concentrate. - But give me a few minutes, please, and stop... - Callie stopped Arizona's words with a kiss, she loved that her girlfriend cared about her equally, but seeing her fall to pieces in front of her was priceless.

They parted, and the brunette brought her mouth to Arizona's ear. She kissed her, sucking and blowing to send a chill through the blonde's body. Arizona was definitely on fire and there was no way to put it out. - We can do it together. - Callie spoke and moved sensuously against Arizona. - I like it this way too, believe me. - She smiled and bit her lip while, under the watchful eyes of the blonde, she moved back against her. - We'll have all night for more... - Callie smiled between kisses.

The blonde nodded, and instinctively opened her legs. Callie settled in top of Arizona, pushing their cores against another. Their bodies began to move synchronously, soft at first, and gradually giving way to more.

Arizona put her hands on Callie's hips, and the brunette on either side of the blonde's head to hold her own weight. Her breasts were bouncing close to Arizona's face, and she couldn't help but catch them in her mouth. Licking, sucking and biting, creating unmatched pleasures in the brunette.

Callie was more than ready after bring the blonde to her release. All that, had her on the edge, and she didn't need much else to come, but even so she was trying her hardest to make the moment last.

Arizona's hands passed through Callie's body gently memorizing every piece of her, but all she wanted at that moment was for the brunette to have her reward too. Her hands dropped from Callie's breasts to her waist and hips, moving toward her ass. She squeezed it tightly and pulled it to her as close as she could, causing a muffled groan in Callie.

Their bodies are perfectly coupled, and they moved one against another sensually. Breasts, abdomen, pelvis, and sexes, in friction, accompanied by kisses and caresses, generating more and more heat.

Moans and gasps began to become audible, being the sign of the prelude to its end.

Acceleration, pressure, deceleration, control, and again... a cycle that alternated to extend the maximum sensations. Flushed faces, uncontrolled breaths... the imminent is near... heat, moisture, and blood pumping hard... currents running every millimetres of their bodies that elevate them to a sublime sensation.

Callie's breathing is erratic and her movements don't stop, her body is going to explode. She drops her forehead on the blonde's shoulder, and opens her mouth. - Ah! - Grunts and groans continued, while she bites the blonde's shoulder, and presses her sex against hers, in several strong and irregular blows. - Oh! Fuck! - She lifts her forehead and extends her neck back, the sweat on her chest shines.

Arizona keeps pace, they go in unison and they're there... on the border. Then, an explosion of a thousand different sensations invaded their bodies... they come, one after the other, as the orgasm pierced them like thunder.

As they began to feel their retreat, they pressed their bodies tightly against each other, wanting to squeeze every last drop of pleasure to the maximum.

Breaths hooked, trying to catch the breath that seems suspended in outer space. Their bodies don't move, but they continue to press against each other. They may still feel a persistent beat in their sexes, the dispersed moisture and the scorching heat coming out of it. Their foreheads fall against each other, and with difficulty their swollen lips touch gently... they part and look at each other.

\- I love you. - Callie says softly.

\- I love you too. - Arizona responds, and again a soft kiss arrives.

Callie slowly leaves the body of the blonde, lying on her back and looking at the ceiling as she tries to breathe. Both in reflected positions, taking a minute for themselves, while their breasts rise and fall with difficulty. Until Arizona misses the heat from Callie's body, and rests her head on the brunette's chest, bringing one arm across her waist.

Their breaths are still struggling to normalize, and after a moment of silence, the words are again present.

\- That was… - The blonde speaks. - Really amazing... I've never experienced anything like it in my life. - The brunette kisses her forehead.

\- That happens when you make love. - The brunette brushes sweaty blonde hair away from Arizona's face. - It was amazing for me, too.

\- You're really amazing... just give me a few minutes, and I'll devote myself entirely to you... - Callie laughed.

\- I already have everything I need... but I will not object if you want to give me more. - The brunette's smile is wide, Arizona separates a little and looks at her.

\- Hey! I can also rock your world, Calliope. - She winks and kisses her lips. - Just give me a few minutes to recover from what you just did to me... which by the way... wow! - The brunette looks at her sensually.

\- I know you can shatter my world, I've had a more than convincing proof... but you still have no idea what I can do to you... this is just the beginning. - Arizona smiled at hint, the heat was returning, or never left?

\- I have no doubt about it, but I'll show you how far I can take you. - The blonde gave her a dark look, full of intentions, and attacked the brunette's lips, but this time with the intention of dedicating herself fully to her girlfriend... she couldn't wait any longer.

. . .


	26. Chapter 26

I've uploaded two chapters.

* * *

\- (25 December 2013) -

The morning was peeking through the windows and the light began to dimly illuminate the room. Arizona slowly opened her eyes, and as soon as she moved she felt her body aching and tired. She smiled as the memory came to her mind and she knew what the reason was. She felt completely happy, she had never experienced anything like the last night and early morning.

She turned around, hoping to find Callie's body, but was met with empty space. Her heart dropped as she looked around. "This couldn't have been a dream and less a repeat of the night at the beach", she thought to herself.

That wasn't possible, this time was different, and so she wouldn't panic. She looked around for something to wear and see where Callie was. When she was about to get out of bed, a voice interrupted her.

\- Hey! Where are you going? - The blonde looked up and found Callie in the doorway holding a tray. She smiled, it wasn't a dream, and this was real. - I was thinking about waking you up with breakfast, but you ruined it!

\- Wow! Don't worry, you pretend I'm still sleeping. I want to know how you're going to wake me up. - The blonde gave her a wink and lay on her stomach, hugging the pillow, as was her custom to sleep. Callie laughed at her girlfriend's antics, but she continued her game.

Callie walked over to the bedside table, placed the tray she was carrying and smiled at the image of her girlfriend with her bare back. She took off the big t-shirt she wore, and sat down beside her.

She moved slowly closer to the blonde's body, and began to give little kisses down her spine. She paused for a moment near the coccyx, a spot that last night discovered that Arizona couldn't help but groan when her lips played there. This morning was no exception, a groan and a movement informed Callie that she'd hit her mark.

Gently she crawled onto the bed to slide over the blonde's body as she ran her lips over her skin until she reached Arizona's neck, and kissed her. She placed her hands on either side so as not to crush the blonde, but letting her feel the weight of her body, then went to her ear and spoke to her. - Good morning, beautiful. - The blonde smiled but said nothing. - I brought you breakfast... Do you want to eat something delicious this morning? - Callie asked, the double entendre clear, as she put her tongue in the blonde's ear, and rubbed her pelvis against the blonde's ass.

\- Mmmm... I love waking up this way, and especially if we can taste something rich. The blonde turned and kissed the brunette. They looked at each other with love and tranquillity.

\- Merry Christmas. - Callie pecked Arizona's lips.

\- Merry Christmas. - The blonde replied with a smile of happiness and they kissed again. Their naked bodies were fit perfectly, and instinctively they moved against each other. Even when they were exhausted, they were still sensitive to the smallest stimulus.

\- Mmmm, as much as I want to repeat last night... I think we should gain some energy, I'm starving... besides, I have a gift for you. - The brunette spoke casually.

\- Really? I don't have anything for you. - Arizona pouted. - I didn't even think about it, I'm sorry. - The blonde said dejectedly.

\- Hey! Don't feel bad, you've already given me the best gift... and that's you... having you in my life is the best thing that could happen... I don't need anything else. -

\- But you... - The brunette interrupted her.

\- I didn't buy anything; it's just something I want you to have. - Callie pulled away from Arizona's body and turned to the night table, grabbed a velvet pouch with a bow and gave it to the blonde. - Open it. - Arizona looked at her strangely, and then untied the small bow with uncertainty.

\- Calliope... - She turned her eyes to Callie after seeing the inside, and she tried to speak, but she didn't know what to say.

\- Look, I know it may be too fast... I don't want to scare you, but I want you to have it... - Arizona returned to the bag and took out a key. She twirled it in her fingers, and she wanted to say something but was in shortage of words. Realizing this, Callie went on. - I want you to have the freedom to come to this place any time, because I want to share everything with you. This it's just a key, but somehow it represents what you've done in my life... you're that key, Arizona... you opened the locks of my heart, and now it's all yours. So also I want this place to be for you, and everything that belongs to me... but if it's too soon... I understand. -

\- I... Calliope... I don't know what to say. - The blonde was completely stunned, but not in a bad way, it was just that she didn't see any of this coming. Last night, her fears and insecurities were gone, but now, with that, Callie continued to surprise her, and she felt that her heart going to overflow at any moment. - It's too much in such a short time and I... -

Callie was a little disillusioned when she started talking about Arizona, but there wasn't going to be a big problem with that, she thought that maybe it was her turn to wait and be patient. Arizona noticed how the brunette's eyes changed and it wasn't her intention that Callie misunderstood her earlier words. - No, no... Don't misunderstand me... I'm not saying it right. - She hastened to try to explain what was happening to her. - I meant that too much has happened in so little, and my heart is surprised and full of so many feelings, and just I don't know how to explain myself well... but I love what you're giving me, thank you, Callie... because I understand everything this means, and you have no idea how much I've dreamed of all this... hearing you say that you love me, that you'd open your heart... I love you with all my heart, Calliope. - The brunette's face lit up with her words and appeared a broad smile.

\- I love you too, Arizona.

\- I love you like I've never loved anyone, and I want to be part of you... and all that that means. I want everything with you... a future, a life... and it doesn't matter if everything sounds too soon. - Callie smiled.

\- I want the same, I want everything with you... and it doesn't matter if everything sounds too soon. - Now, Arizona smiled.

They sealed their declaration with a kiss, but as soon as their lips touched, their bodies vibrated and it all started again. Now, there would be no way that they wouldn't want to fully enjoy their connection, both physical and spiritual, because that was part of the beauty of love.

This was the place where they both wanted to stay for the rest of their lives, the place that was meant for them. The one that would be built in their heart, and where the foundations would be the love.

Time will tell what would come for them, and how their future would be built. But they weren't afraid, there were no insecurities. There was only love and hope of a splendid future.

This was the story they would build together, one where there would be ups and downs, because life was like that. But they would give everything they had, to be happy and to advance.

Their story was beginning today, with an 'I love you' and an intention of the future.

. . .

Callie POV

"While the beat of the heart persist, even if it is painful and is barely felt, there is the hope;  
and something can happen that would allow us to revive and return to believe."

What remains of us?

. . .

Behind the faintest of beats there is still life, and despite everything that tells you that there is nothing else to do, behind that weak signal, there will always be an opportunity however small that possibility is.

In the same way things happen when everything around us seems to crumble and we believe there is nothing worth fighting for. The hope has to be present, hope that something can change our darkness into light.

Our hope is in determination and the courage to fight. It is something invisible that moves us, and that can be the engine of our life. It is a form and a state used to face life. It's to expect more, it's to have faith, it's to trust... it's believing that life can be better. The hope inspires us, and lifts us up when any other resource seems to disappear.

Some find it in love, in friendship, inside each one. Some seek it in some force of the universe, in humanity, in nature, in God, or simply somewhere in the heart. But no matter where we find it, the important thing is to get to it, and make it ours; because when it stays in us, we can see life with other eyes.

But for this, we must first decide... to continue despite how difficult it is, or to sink irretrievably without fighting?

In us is the power to make our life something special, something different, but for that, we must face it, no matter how difficult is. Only in this way will we be able to embrace the hope that something can change, and we can believe again... in oneself, in friendship, in love, or simply find the peace of a distressed, and damaged, heart.

I was aware of that 'beat' when I didn't want to hear it, when I tried to turn it off. Then, I decided to continue despite how hard it was... and in that attempt, I found myself with the hope hidden in a corner of my heart, and inadvertently an opportunity peeked out.

Today, I start a new chapter. One in which I am both the writer and the protagonist, and one where I will not give up so that its end is the best. Perhaps to life will give me trials and try to sway me from my path and there will be parts that will not be all I want, but even then, I won't give up... because I decided to live, and to live in spite of how difficult it is. Therein lies the true value of things... in to fight, in to get up, in to try... and in it, I want to believe that there is reward.

I started with an attempt, with the determination to do something for myself again. There, the hope was manifested in my heart, and my opportunity came in a surge I never saw coming. It crossed like a ray of light in my darkness, and caught me amidst the simplicity of a smile and the greatness of love.

Now, I want to have hope clinging to me until my last breath... because now I know, that even then, I can afford to live... in a last kiss, in a last hug, in a last look, in a last word, in a last smile... simply in the simplicity of life...

.

.

.

* * *

 _Well, we've reached the end. I imagine some of you would have wanted something more, or something different, but this way I wrote it in Spanish. Change the ending or extend it, it felt like trying to change what moved me and inspired me to write at that moment. So I hope you understand._

 _My infinite gratitude to Shinata-Riyoko, without her it wouldn't have been possible to publish this story. She did a really amazing job in editing and proofreading my translation, trying to convey in a better way what I meant in the midst of my limitations with the language, and always being careful to be as faithful as possible to the essence of my story and writing style._

 _Thank you to all who took the time to read my story. Thanks especially to those who took an extra time to leave a comment, it meant a lot to me._

 _Apologies for my English._


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